Been thinking about this situation with my N IL's today and something else occurred to me. I was talking to dh earlier via IM online and told him that I would like it to be noted that his NM had once again gone over my head and cut me out of the equation by emailing him instead of talking to me like he'd instructed her to do the last time an issue came up. His response was that he could understand why she went over my head this time since, in the past two years, dh and ds had gone with NMIL to the fair alone. I reminded dh that wasn't true, that I'd gone with them last year and then stated that wasn't the point. Were this an isolated incident, I could maybe overlook it but it's just one instance in a long pattern of behavior with his mother. Dh grew impatient and angry with me and said he'd just forward NMIL's to me from now on. I told him that was all fine and dandy but that it didn't solve the problem of his mother disrespecting me and that he needed to say something to her. I told him that I am sorry he's always being put in a bad position but that he was the one who said he wanted to handle his parents (and me mine) when stuff like this came up. I went on to say that if he didn't want to handle it, I was more than happy to step up and respectfully handle it myself but he would get angry with me about that too.
My problem is that dh is upset and angry with ME all the time and I'M not the one doing anything wrong. His NM is the one overstepping the boundaries and disrespecting me and then when I dare to speak up and ask not to be mistreated, I'M the bad guy with dh. Meanwhile, NMIL wreaks her havoc and consistently escapes any and all blame as far as dh is concerned. I wish I could figure out a way to make dh realize that his anger is misplaced and that I am not the one he should be upset with.
Why is it that dh would rather sell his soul to the dark side than so much as think that his NM is anything other than a saint who can do no wrong? Why does he seem so willing to throw me under the bus and ask me to suffer further mistreatment rather than stand up for me/us? More to the point, what will it take for him to wake up and see what's really going on before he does something? Honestly, sometimes - like today - I feel like dh could catch his NM red handed trying to poison me and still he'd find a way to rationalize it away and make it okay in his mind. I love my dh very much and in so many ways, he's such a wonderful man but I just don't know how much more of this constantly being put second to his NFOO I can take. It would seem to me that when NMIL disrespects me, she's also disrespecting dh since I'm his wife. But all I get from dh is excuses of how NMIL "didn't mean it" or how it was "completely unintentional". Then I'm told how I'M over-reacting, being too sensitive, etc. Am so sick of it all.
I think what I'm going to do is let dh "handle it" one last time. But the next time NMIL goes over my head and deliberately tries to cut me out of decisions involving MY ds - and I think we all know it WILL happen and sooner than later - I'm going to handle the matter and call NMIL out myself. If dh doesn't like it and/or wants to throw a fit, I don't give a shit anymore. Bottom line, if HE isn't going to nip this in the bud and put a stop to my being disrespected by his NM, then *I* will!