Been thinking about this situation with my N IL's today and something else occurred to me. I was talking to dh earlier via IM online and told him that I would like it to be noted that his NM had once again gone over my head and cut me out of the equation by emailing him instead of talking to me like he'd instructed her to do the last time an issue came up. His response was that he could understand why she went over my head this time since, in the past two years, dh and ds had gone with NMIL to the fair alone. I reminded dh that wasn't true, that I'd gone with them last year and then stated that wasn't the point. Were this an isolated incident, I could maybe overlook it but it's just one instance in a long pattern of behavior with his mother. Dh grew impatient and angry with me and said he'd just forward NMIL's to me from now on. I told him that was all fine and dandy but that it didn't solve the problem of his mother disrespecting me and that he needed to say something to her. I told him that I am sorry he's always being put in a bad position but that he was the one who said he wanted to handle his parents (and me mine) when stuff like this came up. I went on to say that if he didn't want to handle it, I was more than happy to step up and respectfully handle it myself but he would get angry with me about that too.
My problem is that dh is upset and angry with ME all the time and I'M not the one doing anything wrong. His NM is the one overstepping the boundaries and disrespecting me and then when I dare to speak up and ask not to be mistreated, I'M the bad guy with dh. Meanwhile, NMIL wreaks her havoc and consistently escapes any and all blame as far as dh is concerned. I wish I could figure out a way to make dh realize that his anger is misplaced and that I am not the one he should be upset with.
Why is it that dh would rather sell his soul to the dark side than so much as think that his NM is anything other than a saint who can do no wrong? Why does he seem so willing to throw me under the bus and ask me to suffer further mistreatment rather than stand up for me/us? More to the point, what will it take for him to wake up and see what's really going on before he does something? Honestly, sometimes - like today - I feel like dh could catch his NM red handed trying to poison me and still he'd find a way to rationalize it away and make it okay in his mind. I love my dh very much and in so many ways, he's such a wonderful man but I just don't know how much more of this constantly being put second to his NFOO I can take. It would seem to me that when NMIL disrespects me, she's also disrespecting dh since I'm his wife. But all I get from dh is excuses of how NMIL "didn't mean it" or how it was "completely unintentional". Then I'm told how I'M over-reacting, being too sensitive, etc. Am so sick of it all.
I think what I'm going to do is let dh "handle it" one last time. But the next time NMIL goes over my head and deliberately tries to cut me out of decisions involving MY ds - and I think we all know it WILL happen and sooner than later - I'm going to handle the matter and call NMIL out myself. If dh doesn't like it and/or wants to throw a fit, I don't give a shit anymore. Bottom line, if HE isn't going to nip this in the bud and put a stop to my being disrespected by his NM, then *I* will!
About Me
- DisturbedAngel
- I am 38 years old, married to a wonderful, loving man and the proud stay-at-home mama to a beautiful little boy. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and abusive stepfather. My half sister has always been the golden child and I, the family scapegoat who can never seem to measure up. After years of bending over backward to try and have a good relationship with my half sister, I finally severed contact in March of 2009. Then, in January of 2010, I also severed all contact with my narcissistic mother. (Updated to add that as of May 2011, I've also cut ties with my narcissistic father and stepmother as well.) Currently, I am back in contact with my NM in a limited capacity. Walking away from all that toxicity was a LONG time coming but I can't believe how much better I feel because of it. This diary is intended primarily to be a log of my journey toward healing from the abuses I've endured. I hope it will also become a place where others who've been cast as the family scapegoat or who've been the victims of a narcissist's abuse can find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.
I'm in the same boat a lot of time. I get so tired of the "she didn't mean it like that" or just let it go, or excuses to rationalize my NMIL's behavior.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had more to offer you than just "I feel the same way" but maybe it'll be comfort to know someone else is in the same boat.
It sucks to always be the "bad guy" because someone doesn't know how to, or isn't willing to, deal with disrespect like this.
I spent a lot of time throwing my wife and family under the bus. It was my "mommy" after all, and she couldn't POSSIBLY do such a thing on purpose. What an awful benefit of the doubt I was providing to my mother, while letting everyone from my FOO shit on her. It's a different story now, but the work fighting the damage I have allowed does not stop. I hope that sometime soon, your husband comes to realize that having a healthy, unified marriage with his best friend and partner for life is infinitely more satisfying than having his Nmother in his life.
ReplyDeleteThe very best to you,
LSV
Wish I had a different answer for you but I didn't see the crap my mother was doing until after I was in counseling. Dumb thing for me, I was the one she was disrespecting. I grew up with it so I really just didn't see it. Hope things work out.
ReplyDelete