The NM is coming through again...

Guess it's true what they say about all good things eventually coming to an end. The past several months - has it been a year now? - with NM have been better than I ever could have hoped. She's been supportive, caring. She's minded her manners and behaved herself for the most part. Truly, I finally felt like I had a real mother for the first time in my life. I knew this new mom wouldn't last forever and that the N in her would eventually come back out but I guess a part of me had hoped I was wrong or that this good thing would go on a bit longer.

It all started a month or so ago when NM was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Don't know what the deal is with these doctors seeming to prescribe moderate to high carb and low fat diets as a means of losing weight but NM got the usual BS from her doctor. Her doctor also told her that it was "okay" to have a couple waffles or a piece of cake or some cookies once in a while. Now, to me, this is like telling a drug addict they can still have a fix once in a while or an alcoholic that they can have an occasional drink. Like any addict - and I fully believe carbs and sugar are addictive - given this loophole, NM is likely to take major advantage which is precisely what she's done. I can't tell you how many mornings I'm talking to her and she'll check her sugar and it's well over 100. On a couple of occasions, it's been as high as 244! 

Naturally, because I care about her and want her to be well, I've tried to guide her toward a healthier way of eating, particularly to avoid carbs. Dh and I are proof that this way of eating will result in weight loss and better health. And a co-worker/friend of dh's is even better proof as he was extremely bad with diabetes (also type 2) before dh helped him start eating better and they started working out. In just over a year, this guy has lost just over 100 pounds and his diabetes is gone and he's off all his meds. His blood pressure and cholesterol are also back within normal ranges. Despite this, NM insists that her doctor knows best and keep taking full advantage of the loophole she was given. Of course this has resulted in her sugar spiking and dropping all over the place and NM feeling awful. But instead of that causing her to realize maybe I'm right, she continues to play the "I don't understand why I'm not feeling better" game and says she "can't be bothered" to do what she needs to do and read the articles dh and I email to her and make the effort to eat right.

I've begun to distance myself from the issue as it's become very problematic and stressful for me. NM had earned the privilege to take DS out on short excursions but I'm no longer comfortable with that given her refusal to take responsibility for her health and do what she needs to do. What if her sugar spikes dangerously high or low and she passes out while driving with DS in the car or something? Or what if she's at the corner store with him and that happens and DS is left alone and frightened? Of course THIS has caused NM to get all pissy and argumentative and start the "But WHY can't I take him?" again.

Then I was talking to her the other day and she starts in on telling me what I need to do in order to make my home-business more successful. This from the woman who "can't be bothered" to properly market her stuff and just sticks a few items in the display where she gets her nails done and expects her business to just magically take off all on it's own. When I try to give her advice to be more successful - not that I'm exactly a great success yet but it's starting to take off a bit lately - her response is always, "I can't be bothered." Yet she wants to try and tell ME how to run my business? So anyways I told her that I already did all of those things and that dh is going to set me up a website just as soon as he's finished working on a paid piece (oil painting) that he's currently doing. NM pipes up with, "Oh good! And when he's done with yours, he can do one for me too!" Um.....NO. For one, though he can do it, dh hates doing websites. He's only helping me out because I'm his wife and because, in doing so, it will help me to get more business and bring in more money. Furthermore, why should dh waste his precious time to set up a website for someone who, by her own admission, "can't be bothered"?

Just yesterday I was talking with NM again (in reading this am definitely thinking I need to cut back on how often I talk with NM!) and she was telling me about this friend of hers. I refer to this woman as NM's "black hole" because she is a bottomless pit of neediness. She calls NM no less than three times a week, usually more, and expects NM to answer every time and then sit and listen to her woe is me sob story about how she just knows her ex - who she's been divorced from for over 20 years mind you - still loves her (despite the fact that he's been happily remarried for most of those years) and if she could just get him alone, she knows he'd come back to her and their kids who need him. (Their "kids" are all well over 20 and married with their own kids.) Long story short, this "black hole" has major mental problems and is far from stable. NM complains about having to talk to this person so often, etc. and I finally just said to her, "Look. If you don't want to talk to her, DON'T TALK TO HER. Tell her to stop calling you and then just don't answer anymore if she calls back." NM would repeatedly say how if this person said just one more thing, she was going to cut the cord. Yeah. Right.

Forward several months of NM threatening to "cut the cord" with her black hole and we're caught up to yesterday. NM was once again complaining about her black hole. Apparently said nuisance had called NM up the night before and proceeded to ream NM a new one about what it means to be a real friend and how NM was no friend because she was always trying to "change" her (NM was actually trying to suggest ways for this person to help get herself out of her current situation since she seems to be so unhappy where she is), blah blah blah. So I say to NM, "So? What did you say to her?" Basically, NM didn't do shit about anything and her big plan now is to just not answer when this person calls back in the future.

What bothered me though is that NM is telling me what she said to this woman and somewhere along the line NM says that she's telling her black hole that she (NM) has agreed to help me with my anxiety issue and be there for me - which, to a large degree, she has been there for me thus far - and how she doesn't have time to play therapist to this other lady. That part was fine but then NM went on to say how me and my issues are apparently so "frustrating" for her and how she gets so irritated because she doesn't know how to help me, etc. Not only did that hurt - (I am so sick and tired of everyone saying how 'frustrating' I am to be around and deal with right now. As if I don't already know that. More to the point, if they think THEY are frustrated, imagine how it must feel for ME who doesn't have the luxury of getting a break from myself and my issues!) - but it pissed me off. For one, other than asking her to accompany me to a couple places, and I think it's been literally TWO places she's gone with me to, I haven't asked her for a thing and she hasn't done shit other than to offer me stupid, useless "advice" about how I need to just "not think about it" and "get out more" as if that will somehow magically cure me of my intense anxiety and agoraphobia. In fact, with the exception of the past several months, NM has NEVER been there for me in ANY capacity. At least none that matters, and yet she has the gall to complain as if it's so hard being the fucking hero to my tragedy? Oh POOR NM!!! What the fuck ever.

Oh, just remembered another incident. So a week ago, NM asks if she could take DS to the local YMCA pool to swim for a bit. Wasn't entirely comfortable with the idea but told NM I'd talk with dh and get back to her the following morning. Dh agreed with me that he wasn't comfortable with the idea either and so I'd planned to tell NM it wasn't gonna happen. As it turned out, NM called the next day and said she wasn't going to go because it was too humid. Okay. Whatever. Then just this past Tuesday, NM mentions that she'd told DS - she'd watched him while dh went with me to a doctor's appointment - that she might take him to the pool Thursday if it was okay with dh and I. Was somewhat pissed but at least she'd bothered to add the part about needing to ask dh and I first which was a big change from before NC where NM used to ask DS first and then I was always made the bad guy for making them cancel plans. When I was talking with NM on the phone later that day, she mentioned taking DS to the pool again and I said, "We'll see." I know, I should have just told her then it wasn't going to happen but it had been a long, very anxiety-filled day and I wasn't in the mood for an argument just then. So NM goes, "What do you mean 'We'll see'? Why is it 'we'll see' now when you'd said I could take him before?" Didn't occur to me in the moment that I had NOT said yes that she could take him to the pool at ANY point. Instead, I felt guilty as if I HAD said that and then changed my mind so I just told her I had to check because NMIL had said something about taking DS out for some back to school stuff and I didn't know if that was going to be Thursday or Friday. Later however, I was like "WTF?! I NEVER said she could take him to the pool!".

And then today while I was talking with her, she mentioned that I sounded down and asked what was wrong. So, silly me, I told her about all that was going on, how I'd spoken over the phone with my therapist yesterday and found out that my T was leaving the practice and how I was upset over it, etc. I tell you, NM couldn't have been more uninterested. She might as well have just come out and said, "Oh shut up. I don't care about this. Let's talk about something more interesting.....like ME!". I just kind of got quiet at which point NM excused herself and said she had to go. Being only too willing to get off the phone with her then, I said fine and hung up.

Am just so disgusted with my NP's lately. Haven't heard anything more from NEF or NSM lately (thank the Lord) but I came across a post from the Emerging From Broken blog in which Darlene writes about her emotionally unavailable EF and how she was sick of his behavior always reaffirming how little she means/meant to him all these years. It really made me realize that that is precisely my issue with my own NEF - he always makes me feel like I don't matter. Like I'm not important enough or good enough for him to take notice and care. And truly, today with NM acting so uninterested in what is currently going on with me, I realized she doesn't care either. With FOUR parents, birth and steps, caring so little about me and my feelings, is it any wonder I have virtually zero self-esteem or sense of self-worth?

Have made the decision to try taking Zoloft starting tomorrow. From what I read online, it's supposed to be very useful in treating social anxiety as well as helping with persons with PTSD, which I've been suspected of having, so I'm hoping it relieves some of this horrible anxiety I've been having. With DS going back to school in just a couple weeks, I'm going to need all the help I can get. Wish me luck.