Got this email from my aunt N today in response to another email I sent her a couple days ago. It reads:
Here's my take on what happened in your mom's sorry life. When she was married to (EF's name), he always came first, and she really bowed to his will and did whatever he wanted. Then they had you, and things got worse-he was adamant that she do things for you in a certain manner, etc, and she was a very nervous mom because of it. Well, the divorce happened, and she was alone with a baby to care for in NGM's house. She was devastated as anyone would be, and you became the center of her life. You became her reason for living, so to speak, and she eventually started dating, and due to her poor self esteem, she married NSJ. (He got lucky, and NM sold herself short) So, a few years later, NHS came along, and NSJ became a bigger asshole. You became a "problem" because not only did EF make their lives miserable, but they also had lawyer bills, etc, and that ALL got blamed on you. (like you had anything to do with it) So forward a few years, and you're a teen. You've been treated like crap all those years, and it's time to rebel. You did so, NSJ matured into a full blown alcoholic and abuser, and NM learned how to stick her head in the sand and avoid any unpleasantness. Once again, anything that happened, was laid at your feet because, after all, it all happened because you were born. (like you had anything to do with that either)
I honestly think that if I confronted NM today about NSJ, she would deny and elaborate and/or lessen what happened. She doesn't remember unpleasantness at all -- in fact she probably thinks you had it pretty good considering how horrible their lives were because of EF. (her version-I'm not necessarily agreeing here) What she does remember is how horrible you were--this has been retold over and over again--every time I take your side in things, I would get emails about how I need to be "very careful" because you were a liar, you stole things, and you had mental issues. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times we've gone over these things--you are a liar--yes, every single person lies--especially when they're young, but that was then, and this is now. You stole--yes, you might have years ago, but that was then and this is now. You have mental issues....well, haven't you gone to the doctor for years because of this? What have they done to help themselves???? I've told NM numerous times that I make my own decisions about people based on my gut feelings, my experiences with them, and the way they handle themselves when I confront them with things. I'm proud to say that you've grown in leaps and bounds in that respect, but sadly, NM catches herself in her own webs of denial and elaborations. She lives in her own world that she's made up in her own mind in order to deal with the mess her life is in. She knows that NSJ is an abuser, but has lied to herself for so long that she believes in her own lies. I won't even touch on NHS-that would take another page. NHS is angry with you and she vents that anger by defending NSJ as being a wonderful example of a father. She too, has talked herself into believing this because she is so used to avoiding the real truth, she doesn't know how to actually deal with the cold hard truth.
Krissy, you were not dealt a fair deal. You'll never be able to resolve or rationalize what happened because what happened should NOT have happened. There really is just no way to make it right. You've dealt with it in a mature manner and you've come out the other side of this a much different person. You are now a mom, determined to NOT make the same mistakes that were made with you as you were growing up. Your husband understands you and supports you. You have a good relationship with your ILs, and our relationship is growing. I know you want more--it's only natural and fair to expect the love of a parent. I know without a doubt that NM loves you, but not in a normal way. NM is very flawed, and I really doubt that that will ever change. Until NM admits that she has issues, and seeks out help for her problems, it's just not going to change. Sadly, she thinks everyone else has problems, but not herself. To be truthful, NM is not happy--she is still up in Cleveland, but even when we're all together, she doesn't act very happy. She lacks what it needs to make a change, and in all fairness, because she's chosen to stay with NSJ, things just won't change. He IS a large part of the problem, but it's not all his fault either. She needed to be strong enough to stand up for what she felt was right, etc. If she's not happy, she needs to figure out why, and pursue her own happiness. Each of us is responsible for our OWN happiness. No one person can make another person happy-long term. Yes, we can do things for each other to make someone's day, etc, but in order to be truly happy, it starts deep down within each of us. We need to feel fulfilled and satisfied in order to be happy. NM has poor relationships with both of you girls, and it makes her uneasy and unhappy. Once again, it all starts with being 100% truthful with each other, and she just doesn't have the ability to do that.
Have a wonderful day!!!!! I know that you'd like for things to be different, but we all have to look at the wonderful things that ARE in our lives and rejoice in them. When I moved here, I was so depressed bc my kids weren't here, and I'm finally getting to the point where I'm happy despite that. I've moved on in my life now, and I'm growing and enjoying this stage of my life. Now when grandbabies come, it'll be a different story--I'll be on the road a lot more I think.
I kept re-reading this when I first got it because I felt like it should upset me but it didn't. I mean, I find it rather irritating but that's it. At least in this one instance, gone is the hurt that would usually come upon reading/hearing something like this. I'm guessing this is a good thing? LOL
That being said, it IS irritating, mostly because it's all a bunch of CRAP. I'm a liar? As my aunt N said, we ALL lie at some point in our lives and I am certainly no different. But lying above and beyond the norm and deserving of the label of "liar"? NO. If anything, the majority of my lies were told so as not to upset NM anymore than I absolutely had to rather than tell her how I really felt about her and the rest of N FOO's crap.
And stealing? I think I stole a couple of cheap pieces of crap from a dime store once or twice, but N FOO wouldn't know about any of that because I was with friends the couple of times it happened. Not that it's right but I was young and stupid and, as I said, it was items that you'd find in the dime bin at the dollar store. NHS was always claiming I "stole" stuff from her father, NSJ. She claims I'd sneak over there when NM and NSJ were out of town and steal stuff. Whatever. There WERE times I took stuff but I'd either asked NM in advance or it was stuff I knew NM didn't want anymore and, even then, I immediately told her about it just in case and every time NM said it was no problem and I could have the item.
I suppose they have at least a bit of ground to stand on with regard to the mental issues thing but, a) like THEY don't all have their own (much more severe) issues themselves and b) perhaps I wouldn't HAVE so many "mental issues" had I not been forced to grow up in an abusive, chaotic household where I was criticized and demeaned relentlessly and always had to be on guard for one of NSJ's rages. Furthermore, as aunt N mentioned, I've done my work to heal from my mental issues which is a HELL of a lot more than I can say for any of them.
Being badmouthed to others is never a good thing but it's a bit easier to accept when you've actually DONE the things you've been accused of. If you've made a mistake or done something wrong, then you would have to suffer the consequences so to speak, KWIM? But to just have someone make up outright LIES about you just seems so much worse. And for what??? So that they can have their precious N supply?
On the upside, instead of feeling hurt, about all I felt (beyond minor irritation) was amusement. That's right, when I read the things N FOO's been saying - especially the warnings to my aunt N about me - I LAUGHED. I told aunt N as much when I responded to her and I almost hope she tells NM how funny I find their antics too. I can almost picture NM's seething disappointment to learn I no longer give a flying fig about what they say.
After I sent my aunt N a response to her email, this is what I got back from her:
Yeah, it's funny because you say the same things that NM says. She explained the "stealing" the same exact way you tell it-that NHS claims you took things from the pantry, etc. Whatever-it's a bunch of hogwash. My kids take things from this house all the time!!! It's an extension of their own home in my opinion and they're welcome to just about anything in here. I bake cookies to keep in the freezer so that when they visit they can take a taste of home with them. I'd give my kids anything in this house if they needed it, and there's plenty they can have even if they don't!! However, that's not even the point. All of that stuff happened YEARS ago. You cannot be judged for teen behavior forever. Lord knows I did a few things in my younger years. For instance. I used to "borrow" quarters from anyone's wallet in order to buy candy.....yes, I stole money from whoever's wallets were sitting around, and that was my spending money for the drug store. (I was probably 10) I only did it a couple of times, and you know what? I cured myself because the candy I bought just didn't taste very good because I stole the money to buy it. Then there was the time I went down to U of Dayton to visit my dh....I was supposed to stay with my girlfriend down there, but I stayed in the frat house with uncle B and 5 other men!! (I was petrified that my father would call or show up at the front door....I didn't sleep a wink-I was too scared) I could go on and on about the things I did as a teen, but guess what? It made me who I am today, and no one judges me for that stuff of yesteryear. So why are you judged for that stuff? You don't do anything like that today, and I have to tell you that both of my own daughters have had more than one sexual partner. I found out about things like this in a variety of ways and it's private stuff, but I'm telling you so that you know that you are not unusual nor are you "bad". Guess what? I love my daughters and don't think they're sluts because they aren't. Both of them were in relationships and thought themselves in love with the person they had relations with. Because of my open relationship with them, they came to me so that they could be responsible-shook me to my toes, but we handled it and it's history. I would no more bring that up to them now than I would tell their husband/boyfriend. It's just not relevant in their lives today. Oye! I get so irritated about this stuff. I shouldn't talk about it anymore and I won't !
By the way, just so you know, It's been decided that your mom is coming home next weekend. NSJ is afraid it will snow, so he wants to pick her up before the snow flies.
So, basically, the deal is that my NM, NSJ and NHS claim I am a horrible, evil, dispicable person to the extent that people need to be in fear of their well-being and that of their families because I stole some cookies and whatnot out of NM's pantry on occasion??
BA HA HA HA HAAAAAAA!!!! Seriously??!! You know, we couldn't make this crap up if we tried. It's that crazy!!
I tell you, I damn near peed myself I was laughing so hard last night as I read this latest email from aunt N. As I retold the story to dh, I literally had tears streaming down my face. Since then, dh and I have been teasing one another that I'm going to steal his cookies. LOL
The ironic thing is, I am not the sort of person to ever help myself to anyone's stuff in their house. If we're at a party and it's all laid out for everyone, that's one thing but to just go and visit someone and help myself to their fridge or cabinets/pantry? That's just not me. So when we'd go visit NM, I would always ask first, as would dh, and NM would always reply that it was fine, to help ourselves. Yet somehow that has now turned into my being a thief?
The biggest irony though is that NM used to come over my house and just help herself to whatever, be it food, drink or otherwise. The food and drink items I never minded but it did chap my behind when NM would help herself to other things. For example, NM once walked off with a new cd dh had bought. Didn't say anything to anyone, just stuck it in her purse as she left one day and then told me AFTER the fact over the phone that she had it and that, if dh wanted it back, he could come get it. She also walked off with my bellydance hip scarf that she'd been coveting for some time and a small chalkboard that I no longer used but that ds had taken a fancy to and used often. As of now, she still has both items and refuses to give them back. (Fine by me. They aren't worth the problems that would come from contacting her to get them back!)
Those people - NM, NSJ and NHS - really are freaking NUTS!! Another good thing - I think it's finally starting to really sink in that I really am done with all of them. I love my NM and probably always will but I know now that she'll never, ever change and I can never have her in my life. Slowly, I'm becoming okay with that.