Monday, October 11, 2010

9 months and some news...

Well, this past Saturday marked 9 months of NC for me. I think I may have mentioned in a recent post that I'd been missing my NM a bit. Not enough to contact her exactly but just feeling down about the whole situation and missing the few good times we've had together, far and few between though they were. Well, not any more.

I still am in contact with my aunt N. She's actually about the ONLY FOO member I'm in touch with these days as the rest have apparently decided to side with NM and refuse to speak to me anymore. My cousin, "M", got married recently (not to be confused with my other cousin, "C", who got married a couple weeks before "M") and, since NM is up there taking care of my NGM who injured her knee, she was at that wedding as well.

Apparently NHS and BIL had to leave C's wedding because my nephew threw up which, according to NHS, "he does all the time for attention". I was, naturally, a tad shocked and concerned when I heard this and have been worried for my niece and nephew for a long time now, long before going NC with my NHS and NBIL a year and a half ago. Apparently I am right to be concerned because my aunt N says that my niece, "A", STILL has problems walking and doing stairs, can't run without falling down and still crosses a room by going from one piece of furniture to the next to hold onto for support. The child is now 6 or 7, not sure which sadly. These problems started when she was about 3 or 4. My NHS and NBIL refuse to do anything about it and claim she's merely "flat-footed". When pushed, they claim they've taken her to 9 specialists but I know that's a total crock as they cancelled out on going to the first specialist like 5 times. I don't think they ever wound up going, though there may have been ONE visit but certainly not NINE specialists!

I had considered strongly calling up the local authorities and at least asking their opinion on what can be done. However, I've decided not to call. It was a very hard decision to make and, if it was still just me and dh, I'd have been on the phone yesterday. But I have my own ds to think about and NHS and NBIL have threatened me many times before that if NBIL or NHS' dad (NSJ) ever gets into trouble because of my "lies" that they will spend the rest of their lives making mine miserable. I would not put it past them AT ALL to lie and claim my ds is abused or whatever and cause problems for me. And I've known some people whose kids were taken from them temporarily while everything was looked into and sorted out and I refuse to let my ds be traumatized like that just so NHS and NBIL can wreak their disgusting revenge. I feel bad walking away but, to be honest, I'm not sure there's much the authorities could do anyway. The kids aren't physically abused, they are well fed and clothed and any authority would likely walk in there, see those things and say, "Nevermind." The sad fact is that emotional/verbal abuse doesn't really register with them and can be very hard to prove anyway. I just hope and pray that now that the kids are in school, the teachers and/or staff there will notice these things and take steps to have it corrected.

Also got some news about NM and NSJ. Aunt N wrote:

(Your NM) hasn't changed. I was feeling her out about the whole situation, and she feels the same exact way - she also misses you terribly, but things would have to be different if you 2 were to have a relationship. Well, no kidding! However, I honestly don't feel that she thinks SHE has to do anything different. NSJ overheard me saying that ds was going to preschool, and he made some asshole comment about, 'OMG, you mean they sent the child to school??' I turned around and said YES, they enrolled him in preschool and he's doing fantastic. I really wanted to say more - I wanted to rub it in his face that you guys are doing a MUCH better job at raising ds than his daughter is raising B and A, but I shut my mouth and didn't start a war. It's not my fight, and I don't want a fight. NSJ just isn't worth it. He has anger about the whole situation, but he doesn't seem to understand that HE is the cause of much of the unrest between you 2. Also, neither of them understand why you wouldn't let NM take ds out on his own - I think that's what prompted the school comment - NSJ thinks you just can't let ds out of your sight. I don't know how NM stands to live with him, but she tells me that she misses him a lot and she's homesick. I can understand that she misses her home, but I've never understood the NSJ thing.

This part understandably pissed me off for multiple reasons:

1) As always, I'M the one who supposedly has all the problems and who would need to change if NM and I were to have a relationship again. *sigh* I really do get so sick and tired of constantly being the SG with these people. (I refuse to call them a family.)

2) NM supposedly "misses me terribly" yet not only has she not tried to contact me once in 9 months but she's also been going around smearing me to anyone and everyone who will give her the time of day. Even when I WAS still in contact with her, we maybe saw her two or three times a month because she was always "so busy" doing whatever. (Mind you, she found time to visit with NHS and her two kids weekly, sometimes a couple times a week.)

3) Seriously? AGAIN with the "Why couldn't I take ds out by myself?" bullshit? As God is my witness, I have told NM my reasons why at least a dozen times and I have been crystal clear about it so that there would be no misunderstanding. She KNOWS damn well what the reasons are, she just chooses to feign ignorance because, in her own words, "you can't blame me for what I don't understand."

4) This probably pisses me off the most. Where in the HELL NSJ gets off thinking he has ANY right whatsoever to comment on me and my life is beyond me. He's made it clear from day one that he not only hates and resents me to no end but that he wanted nothing to do with me. He was always making comments about how he wished my NM would have just given me to my father years ago and been done with me or about how he resented "wasting" his money on me, yet he thinks that he has some right to comment about my life or that anyone, most of all ME, gives a flying f**k about his opinion??!

That fat, disgusting, perverted PIG of a man....nay, that THING, made my life a living hell. From as far back as I can remember, he abused me physically, verbally, emotionally and sexually harassed me daily. He made me feel lower and more worthless than dog shit on his shoe. Where in the HELL does he get off judging me and my life?? Even if I didn't let my ds out of my sight - which is a total crock because not only does ds go to preschool but he goes to my IL's on his own almost every weekend, Saturday AND Sunday - being overprotective is a DAMN lot better than abusing and torturing a child like he did to me!

Oooh, I HATE that man! I hate him, I hate him, I HATE him. Actually, "hate" isn't nearly a strong enough word. I loathe him. I despise him. Every single thing about him disgusts me all the way to the very core of my being. Regardless, I have and will continue to pray that I'm able to forgive him. Why? Because I refuse to let him continue to control me through my bitterness and hatred of him. He's simply NOT WORTH IT.

I was angry after reading my aunt N's email but, ironically enough, within about 30 minutes or so, I felt fine. Even now, I could care less about most of it, save for the NSJ thing. NM, NHS and NBIL? Pfffffft! Let them say what they will. They are sad, pathetic creatures and I no longer care to waste my time being upset over what they say or think about me. As for NSJ, yes, I admit he still gets to me. I'm working on it and it seems to be helping as these things just don't get to me like they used to. In fact, I'm already feeling better which is pretty amazing seeing as how, even a few short months ago, something like this would have had me upset for days, if not a week or more. Now however, I'm able to shrug most of it off within a few minutes.

One thing I've found that really helps is to say to myself, "My intention is..." and then fill in the blank. For example, after reading that news about my N FOO, I said to myself, "My intention is to let this go and not allow them to continue hurting me. They aren't worth it." Almost immediately I started to feel better and within about a half hour, I was perfectly calm and relaxed again. It doesn't always work quite that fast - and I really have no idea why it works at all - but it seems to do the trick so I'll keep doing it!

Hope all of you are doing well!


1 comment:

  1. Congratulations on 9 months of no contact!

    The first year is the hardest, it gets much easier after that.

    So glad you've developed a tool for letting go of being emotionally caught up in their drama ("My intention is..."). Good for you.