Wednesday, December 1, 2010

How to detect a smear campaign...

Happened upon this AMAZING post on the DoNM board today, written by Light and just had to share! Light writes:
There are a few handy ways to help detect a smear campaign:

1. Look for personal admittance of responsibilities or personal acknowledgment of any mistakes. Is the person only claiming to be a victim, or do they admit they may have done something to contribute to the matter?

2. Look for solid details. Does it contain hearsay such as, "Somebody told me"? and "Another person I know said that she did such and such to someone." Where is this person, and just exactly why can't you know who they are? Why isn't he telling you this himself?

3. Is the person at all trying to resolve the matter, with a genuine wanting to get things squared away, or is it just, "Victimhood, victimhood, victimhood," all the way home, and they won't be making any attempts to resolve because they're enjoying building up the dramatic attention?

4. Do things seem out of proportion? Maybe a tiny thing happened, and they're too angry. Or they say there were repeated wrongs, and yet, it doesn't appear they ever spoke to their boss, the police, etc. Supposedly, they just kept letting themselves be victimized over and over. But if you ask why, they'll say something self-serving, of course - they were trying to give the "abuser" lots of chances, because they're such a meek, kind soul...

In regard to my own NM, my answers would be:
1.  No. There has been ZERO personal acknowledgement of any mistakes or wrongdoing. In fact, my NM went so far as to state flat out that she bears NO responsibility whatsoever and that the only thing she's ever done wrong is allowing me to abuse and disrespect her! Since I went NC with her last January, it's been a steady stream of "woe is me" sob stories and claiming to have "no idea whatsoever" as to what she might have done to warrant my cutting her off and being so cruel to her. There is a total and complete denial of any wrongdoing at all.
2.  One of NM's favorite phrases is, "So and so says..." in regards to whatever wrong it is she's claiming I did. NHS is one of her favorite people to mention but since I've been NC with NHS for almost 2 years now, it's not like anything NM says can be verified. NM has also mentioned some "lady" at the local grocery check out, another "lady" at the doctor's office and my chiropractor as supposedly being in total agreement with NM's assessment of my character.
3.  As I said above in answer #1, NM has cried victim from the word 'go'. Not once in the past 11 months has she attempted to contact me in any way, including on my birthday which came and went without her acknowledgment. Of course, to hear NM tell it, I'M the one staying away from her and who is "keeping my ds from her". Funny, but I have yet to say to NM "Do not contact me. I wish nothing more to do with you." At NO point have I told her she can't see ds or have contact with him or any of us. In fact, at our last meeting in January, dh and I both told NM she could see ds as often as she wanted only she had to see him here at the house instead of taking him out by herself as she kept pressing for. Her response was, "You know what? I don't WANT to have to come here to see him and I shouldn't have to! I should be able to take him out WHERE I want, WHEN I want to!" SHE is the one who has chosen not to try and mend things between us and who hasn't reached out to me and my family, yet I'M supposedly the bad guy, the one wronging HER.
4.  Oh yeah, things are waaaaaaaaaaaay out of proportion with NM. A perfect example - it was recently brought to my attention that one of the main claims of NM and NHS is that I "lie" and "steal" as well as having "major mental problems". The truth? When pressed, NM says that I supposedly lied a lot as a teenager. (I'm now 34 years old for the record.) The stealing? Apparently I was always taking cookies and other food items out of her kitchen pantry. As to the mental problems, I do suffer from anxiety and panic attacks but, ironically, both have decreased dramatically since going NC with NM. Moreover however, I hardly think that anxiety and panic attacks qualifies as my having "major mental problems".
NM, NHS and N stepjerk all claim I "destroyed their lives" (LOL As I typed this just now, I wrote "destroyed their LIES". Freudian slip anyone?) Talk about being overly-dramatic. In truth, all I did...all I've EVER done is to bend over backward to accommodate them in the hopes that I would finally be good enough and worthy of their love and approval. Of course, if they're talking about the fact that I quit being their scapegoat, considering they all have decades invested in me as their scapegoat, I suppose my sudden refusal to continue performing my assigned task could be construed (at least from their dysfunctional perspective) as my having "destroyed their lives".
I hope you will follow the link and read the rest of the article by Light. I promise you won't be disappointed! It's very good stuff indeed!

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