Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Email from GM earlier today...

Logged on to check my email earlier and found this in my inbox from GM:

Good Morning DA, Where in blue blazes are you? have you left town or have you disowned me? I've waited and waited but haven't heard a word. I'd really love to hear from you. I think a lot about you and would like to hear how ds is doing. Soooo, if you feel like it drop me a couple of lines. Love you

Now, as I've stated before, I've been here the entire time. I haven't gone anywhere, my address and phone number and email address are all still the same at they were 11 months ago. If anyone wanted to contact me, they know how to find me.

I find it funny that she would accuse me of disowning her when I'm the one that's been sending emails and cards and getting no response. I'm also the one who received no birthday card this year from her for the first time in my life. So accusing me of disowning them is projection to be sure as it is all of them who have disowned me.

At any rate, I decided to respond and lay it all out there. This is my response:


Silly grandma, I'm right here where I've always been! And no, I haven't disowned anyone. Rather, it feels like it's everyone else who has disowned me. I've tried emailing several people but no one ever responds anymore so I took the hint and quit trying.

Yes, I realize that I unfriended everyone on Facebook and, looking back, perhaps I should have explained myself at that time. But, then, hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it? At any rate, to sum it up in as short a way as I can, it was a very bad time for me given that I'd just lost mom from my life. I thought, perhaps foolishly, that my relationship with mom would have no bearing on my relationships with all of you. Yes, I figured some would disagree with my decision and/or not understand my reasons but I never expected to be ostracized the way I have. And then the passive-aggressive comments on Facebook started, comments about the importance of family and forgiveness, etc. Since I'm obviously not stupid, it was clear they were directed at me given what was going on with mom and I and it hurt and upset me a great deal. It felt like when I needed my family's support the most, it wasn't there. And the way I deal with the pain of rejection is to withdraw which was why I unfriended everyone. It's something I'm working on finding healthier ways to cope. Basically, at that time, I was just so raw emotionally and so tired of being hurt and rejected that I just couldn't take anything more.

Since then however, I did try emailing many of you and/or sent out e-cards for birthdays and whatnot and all of them went unanswered. Then you asked for the gown back and I took that to mean that I wasn't family anymore which was also very hurtful to me. So, not being a glutton for punishment, I stopped trying to contact anyone (with the sole exception of aunt N) and focused on rebuilding my own life and healing from my past pain. It's taken much hard work and a lot of time but, as I'm sure you've heard from aunt N, I've come a very long way and have made much progress. For the first time in my life, I feel truly happy and blessed to be alive. I'm actually LIVING life instead of just existing day to day. Of course it pains me greatly that all this has come about due to the loss of mom from my life but what more can I do?

I truly did try so so hard to make things work with mom. I talked till I was blue in the face, I wrote letters and emails in which I poured my very soul out to her, desperately trying to be good enough for her and make things work between us...I even took her into therapy with me on my dime as insurance wouldn't cover her going with me. However, dh and I felt it was worth it and necessary so we agreed to take on that debt. Over 8 years I tried anything and everything I knew to do and then some but nothing I did was ever enough. Always it is me, me, me who has all the problems, who is flawed and needs to change or make amends while mom, N stepjerk and NHS are without fault. Nothing about me is or has ever been good enough for mom, NSJ and NHS. Not saying I'm perfect by any means. Lord knows I've made my fair share of mistakes and have regrets but I'm NOT the horrible, awful, lying, stealing, "severely mentally disturbed" person that they make me out to be.

At any rate, enough about that. I don't want to badmouth anyone. I love mom and will always love her and I wish her well but I simply cannot allow her (and NSJ and NHS's) toxicity to affect my life anymore. I was constantly stressed, tired, cranky and feeling ill when I was around them. They were always hurting me and so I'd withdraw and that would make me angry that I couldn't speak up for myself more and that they continued to treat me the way they did. And because I was cranky and tired and angry and hurting, I was less patient and that overflowed onto dh and ds who did not deserve it. In the past 11 months, I have improved considerably emotionally as well as physically and my relationships with dh and ds more than I ever could have imagined. Dh and I, it's like we've fallen in love all over again. And ds, ds has blossomed beyond my wildest imaginations. He's a happy, healthy 4 1/2 year old and he absolutely LOVES his preschool. His teachers say he's doing VERY well and is easily one of their favorite students, if not their most favorite. Best of all though is that ds' relationship with me has improved. I'm a better mother now that all that stress is gone from my life and, in turn, ds is free to be a happy little boy.

All that being said, I'm very happy to hear from you and I hope we can continue to chat via email like we used to. I've missed talking with you and everyone else. I'd very much like to have a good relationship with all of you and leave my issues with mom out of it. After all, that stuff is between mom and I and you all shouldn't have been brought into it anyhow. I mean, I'm glad you all have been there to support mom and all as I think mom needs that. I have my friends and my sister L and dh's family for support. All mom has is NSJ and NHS who are about as helpful as a raging case of herpes. All the same, I feel bad that so many of you have been dragged into it by her and put in the middle.

Anyhoo, we recently got some school pics of ds. I have some set aside to send to you, I've just been lazy about getting all of them sent out to everyone. I'll try to get them out soon. If I can find them.....

Oh, before I go, how are you feeling? Is your knee doing a lot better? I hope so. A painful knee is just awful. A while back, I kept getting fluid under my kneecap and boy did it ever hurt!

Take care and I hope to hear from you again soon.



Knowing my N FOO the way I do, I'm sure this email response has already begun circulating amongst all of them. It may even make it's way back to NM. I wasn't thinking about that when I sent it and now regret slightly that I responded in one regard but, in another, I'm glad I stayed true to myself and spoke my truth. Let them do with it what they will.

1 comment:

  1. DA,

    I'm sorry your GM is pulling the "have you disowned me?" card - a complete misconstrual of the situation. The tables are always turning on us, and I'm proud of you for staying true to yourself and speaking up.