Thursday, December 29, 2011


Hope you all had a lovely holiday! We spent the day at my IL's. Not ideal but it was better (at least in some ways) than spending it home alone by ourselves. And since we certainly weren't about to go spend the day at NM's house.....

I'm still busy keeping the house clean while it's on the market as well as looking for homes for us to move into once this one sells. We've had a couple really good contenders but, so far, still haven't found that "perfect" house. We had thought we'd found "the one" but it turned out that the uneven floors couldn't be fixed which took it off our list. We're currently entertaining a two bedroom/two bath house but are waiting to hear if the owners are willing to take care of a very minor mold problem that we noticed when we went to look at it.

Things have continued to be okay with NM for the most part. There have been a couple minor comments, such as a couple weeks ago when she casually mentioned to me that NHS and NSJ "weren't ready to get back involved with you (meaning me) yet". As if to imply that *I* was somehow the one that hurt *them* or something that they should need more time before being willing to get back involved with me. *eyeroll* Whatever. I just laughed and told NM that that was FINE by me as I didn't want anything to do with either of them again at any point EVER!

The other issue I've had with NM is that she has begun to push to be able to take DS out on her own again. She asked me last week over the phone if I would be willing to "work with her" at her eventually being able to take DS out on her own. At the time I said yes. My line of thinking was that I was willing to give her another chance to prove I could trust her - which I fully realize is unlikely and may never happen - and that this would take a preliminary estimate of 6 to 12 months at which point we'd re-evaluate and see how things were going, how I felt, etc.

However, in NM's follow-up comments after I'd agreed to work on things with her, I get the distinct impression that she thinks she can just come over to my house two or three times a week for a few weeks and that she, DS and I will all go up to the corner store two or three times at which point I will magically be okay with her taking DS out on her own wherever and whenever she wants. So NOT going to happen.

To be honest, it's not DS' immediate safety I worry about. I do not fear that NM would allow him to wander off or leave him unsupervised or anything like that. It's NSJ. While I can respect that NM feels differently toward her dh than I do, the bottom line is that I do NOT trust her to honor my dh's and my wishes for our son not to have ANY contact whatsoever with NSJ. I don't even want NM to put NSJ on speaker phone and for NSJ to say hello to DS. NO CONTACT whatsoever - no phone calls, no cards/gifts/emails. Zip. Zero. Nada.

I've also made it very clear, as did my dh the last time we sat and talked with NM in our living room approximately two years ago, that we do NOT feel comfortable with DS going to NM's house under any circumstances. Despite that, NM kept making comments to the effect of, "Well if DS was at my house and NSJ called to say he was coming home early, I'd start packing him up and leave immediately. And if NSJ happened to show up unexpected or earlier than planned and asked who NSJ was, I would just tell him 'That's your grandpa. He did some stuff to your mommy when she was little that hurt your mommy really bad and that's why your mommy doesn't want you around your grandpa.'" I just said to NM, "ONE, that is too much adult stuff to put on a small child. TWO, we can circumvent the need for all that discussion IF DS ISN'T AT YOUR HOUSE!" The fact that NM keeps talking about DS coming to her house, even if she says that she knows it will never happen, tells me that she plans to get her way at some point.

I've decided that as soon as NM is back from her vacation in a day or two, I am going to sit down with her and tell her in no uncertain terms the following:

1) DS will NEVER be over at her house. He won't be there with dh and/or me and he most definitely would never be there without one of us present. Bottom line, there will never be ANY babysitting him at her house, no sleepovers, no "happy family" get-togethers at her house for holidays or birthdays, nothing. DS WILL NOT BE AT HER HOUSE AGAIN EVER.

2) It is entirely likely that I would NEVER feel comfortable with her taking DS out on her own as I simply DO NOT TRUST HER to respect and/or honor dh's and my wishes to not allow contact of any kind with NSJ. More to the point, I don't really see any need for her to take DS out on her own, especially to her home, so what would be the point in "working at it" to get there?

3) I do not desire at ANY point to EVER have contact of ANY kind with either NHS or NSJ again. I am not interested in meeting with them at some point to "talk things out", nor do I desire to hear about what they may or may not have said about me. This includes good or bad. The both of them are as good as dead to me and I do not desire any relationship of any kind with them now or at any point in the future. Period. End of story.

4) NM is welcome to visit DS here at my home provided she calls ahead of time to make sure it is okay and that we do not have other plans first. 

If her motivation is as she claims and she just wants a relationship with myself and DS, then she will back off pushing me about taking DS out on her own and be content with what I'm willing to give her. That said, I do not anticipate that this discussion will go well which is why I plan to do it when DS is out of the house. However, I am hoping that NM will at least begrudgingly agree to do as I've asked. 

And if she doesn't? Well, admittedly, I will be hurt and upset for a bit but I feel confident that I can handle whatever it is she throws my way. I just need to remind myself that I've already survived all they had to throw at me when I was just a defenseless child. Now, as an adult, I'm even stronger and more capable than before. (And of course I always have the option of going back to NC again should I choose!)

In other news, apparently my NHS and NBIL have plans to move back to our home state of Ohio after the first of the year. Supposedly NBIL has a friend who is willing to interview him and likely hire him. (Guess this "friend" doesn't know about NBIL's horrible employment history where he's never kept a job beyond a month or two.) According to my aunt N, quite coincidentally, this talk of moving to Ohio - as well as other talk about how horrible it apparently is where we currently live - began right around the same time that NM and I got back in touch and began trying to work on our relationship. It seems my sister dear can't handle the fact that I am back in the picture and that - according to aunt N and other extended FOO members - NM is much happier now that I'm back in her life.

I don't know whether to roll my eyes and gag at the pathetic-ness of the situation or laugh hysterically at how absurd it all is. To think that they would actually pull up and move away from friends and family all because of lil ole me? Are you serious??!! How dumb!

Their whole argument about (current state of residence) is that there are supposedly "too many minorities" here. Of course they used much more vulgar, racist terms but, you get the idea. Bottom line, NHS and NBIL are NEVER happy or content with ANYTHING. They have something negative to say about everything and I mean that most literally - truly, they find fault with everything and everyone. I've never met anyone more negative than the two of them.

The funniest thing of all - at least for me! - is that I know with 100% certainty that within just a few days, they will begin to complain about how "awful" it is up there and want to move back. If not within a few days than most certainly after enduring one of Ohio's freezing cold winters. Only, at that point, they will have sold their home here and be in far more debt than they are currently and they will have nowhere to go back TO. LOL Yep, funny stuff!

Well, I think that about does it for updates. Hope you're all doing well!



  1. DA your plans sound well thought out. Side note that has me puzzled. If NM knows that NSJ did things to hurt you, why would she even think of exposing your son to the same Jerk and why is she still in contact at all?

    As far as your NHS and NBIL are concerned I have learned that a sense of humor goes a long way to making it possible to look at someone's behavior and recognizing it is their problem. Also they don't know how to behave when your are laughing instead of trembling in fear. Your update sounds like your are doing great. Good luck on the discussion with NM.

  2. @ Ruth - NM says on the one hand that she "gets it" now about NSJ being so critical toward me all the time, etc. but she still denies it was abusive and prefers to view him as this "good guy" when he is anything but. Bottom line, NM does not see her husband as a danger to anyone but, of course, *I* strongly disagree. NM has said to me numerous times how NSJ was good to me when I was very young or how NSJ "would NEVER hurt a child/DS". When I've pressed the issue, she has gone so far as to admit that NSJ did things that weren't okay/were out of line but she quickly backtracks and implies that *I* was somehow to blame for being so "problematic" and giving them both so much trouble when I was growing up. Whatever. She can say what she wants, doesn't change what IS. NSJ is a sadistic, abusive sociopath and I will NOT allow my son to be exposed to him in any capacity whether NM agrees/likes it or not. End of story.