Confused...

Not sure what's going on lately. I've felt a really strong pull to break NC with my N father and reach out to him in some way. Have come so close many times to emailing him or picking up the phone and calling but just before I do, I always stop for some reason.

I suppose part of me is unhappy with how things were left two years ago and continues to long for a relationship with my NF. But I'm also smart enough at this point to know that it would almost certainly end with my being hurt yet again. If I were to get in touch with him, one of two things would happen - either he'd reject me or he'd say all the right things like he did last time but they would eventually be proven fake and I'd be left hurting once again.

I just wish I could understand why there's such a huge pull. Is it just instinctual for a child to long for a relationship with one's parents? Or is it that I'm just a glutton for punishment? To listen to others, it could be either. Though, admittedly, it's far more preferable for me to believe that it's just instinctual rather than to believe that there's something wrong with me that I keep going back for more despite being hurt time and again.

Or maybe it's that things haven't been going quite as well with NM lately. She's not doing anything so completely awful I guess. It's just that she's been whining and complaining about everything lately. Every time I talk with her lately it's all her whining about how she has no money, how she's tired of living like this, how she's sick of feeling sick and tired all the time, how she hates her hair, etc. Mind you, anytime I've offered her a suggestion to solve one of her many problems, she always has an excuse why it won't work. For example, if she complains that she's tired of not having money and how she'd get a job if only there were any out there, I might mention that I saw X place hiring only for NM to respond that she doesn't want to have to work, she doesn't want to get stuck working nights and weekends and/or that they would only pay her minimum wage and she refuses to work for less than $14+ an hour. And when all else fails, NM comes out with her favorite excuse - quite simply, she "can't be bothered".

Personally, I think the real truth is that she doesn't want to help herself because then she can't go on being the victim. If there's anything NM loves, it's being able to play the victim. The proof of that in my mind is that NM is ALWAYS undergoing some sort of crisis, be it some new physical ailment or something going on externally in her life. She whines almost non-stop about having diabetes yet does NOTHING to help her situation. I've told her numerous times that she needs to avoid carbs especially in her diet but what does NM eat 99.9% of the time? That's right, carbs! She'll call me up and complain that she's feeling so shaky that day and when I ask what she's eaten that day, it's almost always, "I had some toast" or "I had some pasta". If I say anything, her response is always, "The doctor said I could!". NO, NM...what the doctor said was that it was okay once in a while to have a small portion of pasta or a slice of pizza if she went out for dinner. It was never intended that she eat that stuff at nearly every meal. But of course if NM began eating correctly, she might feel better and then she wouldn't be able to whine about the unfairness of it all that she be saddled with such a burden.

*sigh* Life with N's. Never a dull moment, is it?