Am having a bit of a down day today. It has to do with NM, of course. I had been feeling better about having invited her to my house for Xmas than I was previously. It took some talking to myself and convincing myself that it was different this time, that it would be my house and that I made the rules so if NM or SJ misbehaved, I could just throw them out. Problem solved. After a couple of days of that kind of self-talk, I began to feel okay about having NM and SJ over for Xmas.
Forward to today and I just want to call the entire thing off. I was okay when I woke up and then, for some ungodly reason, I decided to call NM up to check in and say hello. The first few times I tried it was busy. When I finally got through, NM said she'd been talking with N half sis. That marked the beginning of my down mood. Then NM went on to say that she couldn't talk long, that she had to get ready to go pick NHS' son up from school and then she was going to go spend the rest of the day with NHS and her two kids. The more I listened, the more upset and agitated I became.
Part of it is that I've always wished NM would pay me the same sort of attention that she seems to be only too happy to fawn all over NHS and her family. NHS and BIL can do no wrong, despite being total fuck ups. They don't pay their bills, are always in major debt and have even had to declare bankruptcy once already after only a few years of marriage. You'd think they'd have learned their lesson then but no. As it stands now, they are nearing having to declare bankruptcy a second time. NM will complain about being tired of their shit to me only to turn around and lavish them with more money, gifts, material things, attention and defend them like they are the greatest thing since whatever.
Then there is me who NM cannot seem to stop complaining about to anyone who will listen, including me, and who she feels the need to criticize constantly. I don't keep my house neat enough. She doesn't like the way I have my hair or how I dress myself and ds. I should get up earlier, put on makeup and do myself up.........to sit around the house all day. ALWAYS it's something I'm doing wrong and to anyone who will listen, I am described as her problem child, the one who's always giving her issues. I'm too sensitive, always over-react and need to just 'get over it' and 'move on' with my life already. I've done that but that's not what NM means when she says I need to 'move on'. What NM means is that I need to go back to being her doormat and silently accepting her abuses. Because I refuse to do that anymore, I'm labeled bad, wrong and "silly" and told I need to "get over it" already.
So while there's a part of me who is jealous and longs for the caring and attentions lavished on NHS, the other part of me wants little, if anything, to do with her for the reasons (and more) listed above. This is what causes me so much conflict. I think I'm mostly upset with myself because, once again, I'd thought I had finally let go of that stupid hope that NM would someday "get it" and we could have a good relationship. And now, once again, I'm confronted with the fact that that hope is still there and holding me prisoner in a dysfunctional relationship with NM.
Sometimes I ask myself, "Why not just walk away and be done with her? Haven't you put up with enough?" The thing is, I don't know why I'm not able to do that yet. It's not that I don't want to because, when I really think about it, I AM sick and tired of putting up with her and her shit. I'm tired of being told in every way imaginable that I'm not good enough, that I don't matter, that she doesn't care. I'm tired of being hurt and of feeling angry almost all the time anymore. I just want to be done with it all and move on with my life with my ds and dh. So then WHY CAN'T I WALK AWAY? I honestly don't know.