My wonderful NFIL decided to do dh and I a "favor" recently by way of offering to pay us $100 if we would wash his gutters and soffits on his house. We didn't have to clean the inside of the gutters, just basically wash the exterior to get the dirt off. Dh and I figured it would take us an hour, tops, which would mean we'd make $100 for an hour's work. Not too shabby, right? So we told NFIL we'd do it. Lesson learned.
As it worked out, we showed up to NFIL's place at 10am on the hottest day so far this season - it wound up getting up to nearly 91 degrees that day - to find out that not only did he not have any of the proper tools for the job but NFIL also apparently expected us to wash the entire HOUSE (siding) as well as the gutters and soffits! Looking back, we should have told NFIL right there, "This is not what we agreed to. If you want to negotiate a price for us washing the rest of the house, fine. Otherwise, we're sticking to the original agreed-upon project." But, because dh and I are desperately in need of money lately, we took on the job.
After about 45 minutes of waiting around on NFIL to get back from getting gas - he told us not to start until he got back - and then another hour of trying to do the job with sub-par supplies, I'd had enough and called NM to see if we could borrow their pressure washer. Thankfully, they said it was fine and they only live just around the corner from my NIL's so dh and I drove over to get it. As it turned out, NM also had a scrubber brush with an extending handle so that dh and I could reach the highest parts of the house without having to go up and down the ladder ever few seconds which was another huge time saver.
It got hot outside quite quickly and it wasn't long before I had to go inside to cool down because I was feeling sick from the intense heat. I never did quite recover enough to go back outside and help so poor dh, God bless him, wound up doing the entire house by himself. And where was NFIL all this time? If he wasn't off working in his stupid garden, he was harassing dh and bitching about every little thing, saying dh missed this spot or needed to wash the house THIS way - read HIS way - instead of the way dh was doing it. Between the intense heat and the constant back and forth bickering of NFIL and dh, I was out.
What should have been an easy 1 hour job wound up being a SEVEN HOUR JOB. It was only in the home stretch on the last side of the house that NFIL finally got off his lazy ass and offered to genuinely help dh out. Of course that was only because dh was "taking too long" to finish the job! By the time we got home Saturday night, poor dh was totally wiped out. Worst of all though was that he had a very painful 2nd degree sunburn on his shoulders. We'd been in the shade for the first hour so didn't think to put on sunscreen right away - another lesson learned.
By the time it was all done, not so much as a thank you from NFIL. Figures. We felt the LEAST he could do, seeing as how it had turned into such an enormous job with us having to borrow equipment from NM for crying out loud, that NFIL could have offered a bit more money, even just $50 more dollars but, of course, no. In fact, we only got $60 of the total amount and had to wait an extra day for the remainder.
Forward to yesterday, MIL (or should it be NMIL?) was here visiting with ds. At one point, we're chatting about poor dh - who was napping at the time - and MIL has the audacity to make a "joke" about how dh ought to have known better and put sunscreen on right away, going so far as to say that she had noticed it and knew he'd regret it. Really? Then why not SAY something, bitch?!! She then went on to say to that NFIL was "joking" about how dh is such an "indoor boy" and clearly can't handle outdoor work (read MAN'S work) outside! Talk about pissed! I said nothing to MIL at that time but I vowed to myself NEVER again will we do those people anymore "favors". Dh and I are constantly doing this or that for them. Meanwhile, the golden duo, NBIL and NSIL, sit over there next door in their big, fancy house and can't even be bothered to watch their own kid. Hell, the most "outdoor work" NBIL has ever done is sitting on his fat ass by his in-ground pool drinking a beer, yet MY dh gets insulted and after working his ass to the bone for over 7 hours and suffering 2nd degree sunburn for his efforts??! To hell with the lot of them! The next time they want something done, they can damn well HIRE someone professional to do it for them or do it themselves because THESE two doormats are officially retired!
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Got an email from NEF after no contact for just over a year...
It's been just over a year since I last spoke to my NEF. In his last email to me, he basically blew me off, put all the blame on ME for our relationship being what it is - despite the fact that I was only about 11 or 12 when he last walked out on me - and told me if what I'd said was how I really felt that I should end the relationship. Prior to that, he'd also insulted me and my home by stating flat out that my home was 'too small' for his and NSM's taste and that it was 'boring' spending time at my house with me whenever they bothered themselves to visit me fit me into their vacation time with their friends who live about an hour from me. When I'd confronted him about what he'd said, he flat out lied and claimed he'd never made such a comment nor would he ever.
Since then, I have had zero contact from him save one call attempt this past April. It was the day before my DS' birthday and I had been on the phone with NM at the time (who continues to be on great behavior ironically enough) and didn't answer. Just over a month later, this past Sunday, I received this email from NEF in my inbox. The subject line read simply "cancer". Nice, eh?
Hi [DA], I have tried calling you but you did not pick up. I miss our talks on the phone. I hope all is well with you guys. I just thought you might want to know that I was diagnosed with prostate cancer at the end of March. I have been in and out of the hospital for a few months. I just had surgery on May 8. I am at home now recuperating. I hope to get back to work in 4 to 6 weeks. I go back to see the doctor on the 30th of May. I should get the results back then. God's Peace be with you! Love you guys! Dad
For the first couple seconds, I had an initial adrenaline rush of panic. About all I saw was the word "cancer" and my NEF's name and I, of course, thought the worst. Despite the fact that he's a rabid, malignant N, he's still my father and, right or wrong, I love him for that reason alone. I don't like to think of anyone dying from cancer, even if it is someone who's brought almost nothing but pain and heartache to my life. After the initial shock however, I forced myself to re-read the email and tried to be rational about it. I told myself to pay attention to the wording, that this was obviously a hoovering attempt on their part to reign me back in. I then reminded myself that many men, my FIL included, have dealt with or are dealing with prostate cancer and 9 times out of 10, it's not a big deal at all. In fact, I know of two men in particular whose doctors haven't done anything about it except to say they would "keep an eye on it". That's how little of a deal it apparently is.
More than anything, yes I'm hurt, but I'm also just angry. The way NEF's email reads to me is, "I have tried calling you but, being the disappointment of a daughter you are, you didn't pick up despite the fact that I have done nothing to deserve such treatment from you. You SHOULD know - and you WOULD know if you bothered to ever call me like a good daughter should call her father - that I was diagnosed with prostate cancer at the end of March. WOE IS ME! I've been in and out of the hospital for a few months. If you were any kind of a GOOD daughter, you not only would have known about all that is going on but you'd have been there at my side, holding my hand and comforting me. Instead, I was forced to go through it and my subsequent surgery alone. Despite it all, I am at home now recuperating. Unfortunately, I'll likely still be expected to go back to work in 4 to 6 weeks. Seems a saint's work is never done. I go back to see the doctor on the 30th of May. I should get the results then. You'd better have called me by then to find out how I'm doing or else it will prove what a horrible, rotten, disappointment of a daughter you really are. Love you guys! Dad".
Nowhere is there mention of how I might be doing or how my life is going. There is no apology for how horribly he spoke to me last or for throwing me under the bus - yet AGAIN - and trying to make ME out to be the bad guy in everything. Nowhere does he ask what he can do to make things right or to fix things between us. It's all about HIM. What HE wants. What HE needs. What HE misses or desires. And it's all strung together with a heaping dose of guilt for being such a horrible daughter and not being there for him in his time of need. Nevermind what a shitty father he's been, clearly HE doesn't deserve this and I'd better shape up and get back into line! And once again the message is loud and clear - I don't matter. He doesn't care about me, only what I can do for him.
On a GOOD day I wouldn't need this shit, this incessant N game-playing and narcissistic drama that promises only further hurt and chaos. But I especially don't need it so soon after the loss of my sweet furbaby which has hit me quite hard and thrown me for a loop. Such a loss is bad enough in and of itself but coupled with an anxiety disorder and PTSD, it's downright unbearable at times. Things ARE improving but I'm still very much grieving right now and the last thing I need is some malignant narcissist coming along and trying to put the spotlight on them in the midst of my pain and suffering.
If my NEF had approached me and said anything that could remotely be construed as caring or giving a shit, I very likely would - at the very least - give him an opportunity to say what he had to say and hear him out. But over a year of NO CONTACT whatsoever from him followed by an attempt to call and drop this bomb in my lap, the day before my son's birthday no less, and now some bullshit email titled "cancer" in which he can't even be bothered to pretend to give a shit about me and I'm supposed to what? Run up to his home state and hold his hand? Rush to the phone and call him up and apologize for being a horrible daughter? Whatever. In the words of Die Antwoord, Fok Julle Naaiers "daddy".
Since then, I have had zero contact from him save one call attempt this past April. It was the day before my DS' birthday and I had been on the phone with NM at the time (who continues to be on great behavior ironically enough) and didn't answer. Just over a month later, this past Sunday, I received this email from NEF in my inbox. The subject line read simply "cancer". Nice, eh?
Hi [DA], I have tried calling you but you did not pick up. I miss our talks on the phone. I hope all is well with you guys. I just thought you might want to know that I was diagnosed with prostate cancer at the end of March. I have been in and out of the hospital for a few months. I just had surgery on May 8. I am at home now recuperating. I hope to get back to work in 4 to 6 weeks. I go back to see the doctor on the 30th of May. I should get the results back then. God's Peace be with you! Love you guys! Dad
For the first couple seconds, I had an initial adrenaline rush of panic. About all I saw was the word "cancer" and my NEF's name and I, of course, thought the worst. Despite the fact that he's a rabid, malignant N, he's still my father and, right or wrong, I love him for that reason alone. I don't like to think of anyone dying from cancer, even if it is someone who's brought almost nothing but pain and heartache to my life. After the initial shock however, I forced myself to re-read the email and tried to be rational about it. I told myself to pay attention to the wording, that this was obviously a hoovering attempt on their part to reign me back in. I then reminded myself that many men, my FIL included, have dealt with or are dealing with prostate cancer and 9 times out of 10, it's not a big deal at all. In fact, I know of two men in particular whose doctors haven't done anything about it except to say they would "keep an eye on it". That's how little of a deal it apparently is.
More than anything, yes I'm hurt, but I'm also just angry. The way NEF's email reads to me is, "I have tried calling you but, being the disappointment of a daughter you are, you didn't pick up despite the fact that I have done nothing to deserve such treatment from you. You SHOULD know - and you WOULD know if you bothered to ever call me like a good daughter should call her father - that I was diagnosed with prostate cancer at the end of March. WOE IS ME! I've been in and out of the hospital for a few months. If you were any kind of a GOOD daughter, you not only would have known about all that is going on but you'd have been there at my side, holding my hand and comforting me. Instead, I was forced to go through it and my subsequent surgery alone. Despite it all, I am at home now recuperating. Unfortunately, I'll likely still be expected to go back to work in 4 to 6 weeks. Seems a saint's work is never done. I go back to see the doctor on the 30th of May. I should get the results then. You'd better have called me by then to find out how I'm doing or else it will prove what a horrible, rotten, disappointment of a daughter you really are. Love you guys! Dad".
Nowhere is there mention of how I might be doing or how my life is going. There is no apology for how horribly he spoke to me last or for throwing me under the bus - yet AGAIN - and trying to make ME out to be the bad guy in everything. Nowhere does he ask what he can do to make things right or to fix things between us. It's all about HIM. What HE wants. What HE needs. What HE misses or desires. And it's all strung together with a heaping dose of guilt for being such a horrible daughter and not being there for him in his time of need. Nevermind what a shitty father he's been, clearly HE doesn't deserve this and I'd better shape up and get back into line! And once again the message is loud and clear - I don't matter. He doesn't care about me, only what I can do for him.
On a GOOD day I wouldn't need this shit, this incessant N game-playing and narcissistic drama that promises only further hurt and chaos. But I especially don't need it so soon after the loss of my sweet furbaby which has hit me quite hard and thrown me for a loop. Such a loss is bad enough in and of itself but coupled with an anxiety disorder and PTSD, it's downright unbearable at times. Things ARE improving but I'm still very much grieving right now and the last thing I need is some malignant narcissist coming along and trying to put the spotlight on them in the midst of my pain and suffering.
If my NEF had approached me and said anything that could remotely be construed as caring or giving a shit, I very likely would - at the very least - give him an opportunity to say what he had to say and hear him out. But over a year of NO CONTACT whatsoever from him followed by an attempt to call and drop this bomb in my lap, the day before my son's birthday no less, and now some bullshit email titled "cancer" in which he can't even be bothered to pretend to give a shit about me and I'm supposed to what? Run up to his home state and hold his hand? Rush to the phone and call him up and apologize for being a horrible daughter? Whatever. In the words of Die Antwoord, Fok Julle Naaiers "daddy".
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Sad days...
Sunday evening, our beautiful girl "Akira", collapsed due to an attack of some kind. After getting someone over to watch ds, dh and I took our big girl to the local emergency vet. They think it was some kind of stroke or seizure, most likely the latter and most likely due to her cancer having spread. While she seemed almost like her old self at the end there, we knew it was time to say goodbye.
The past couple days have been so very hard. Today is the worst though as it is the first day I've been home alone in this big, empty house. My heart is breaking and there is nothing I can do to stop it. What I wouldn't give to see that big, furry face looking up at me one more time or to be able to rub that fuzzy head. The only consolation is that my big girl isn't in any more pain.
I pray that dogs do go to Heaven and that I'll see my sweet girl again someday. Until then, I miss you so much baby girl and mama loves you, always and forever.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
About Me
- DisturbedAngel
- I am 38 years old, married to a wonderful, loving man and the proud stay-at-home mama to a beautiful little boy. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and abusive stepfather. My half sister has always been the golden child and I, the family scapegoat who can never seem to measure up. After years of bending over backward to try and have a good relationship with my half sister, I finally severed contact in March of 2009. Then, in January of 2010, I also severed all contact with my narcissistic mother. (Updated to add that as of May 2011, I've also cut ties with my narcissistic father and stepmother as well.) Currently, I am back in contact with my NM in a limited capacity. Walking away from all that toxicity was a LONG time coming but I can't believe how much better I feel because of it. This diary is intended primarily to be a log of my journey toward healing from the abuses I've endured. I hope it will also become a place where others who've been cast as the family scapegoat or who've been the victims of a narcissist's abuse can find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.