Been thinking about this situation with my N IL's today and something else occurred to me. I was talking to dh earlier via IM online and told him that I would like it to be noted that his NM had once again gone over my head and cut me out of the equation by emailing him instead of talking to me like he'd instructed her to do the last time an issue came up. His response was that he could understand why she went over my head this time since, in the past two years, dh and ds had gone with NMIL to the fair alone. I reminded dh that wasn't true, that I'd gone with them last year and then stated that wasn't the point. Were this an isolated incident, I could maybe overlook it but it's just one instance in a long pattern of behavior with his mother. Dh grew impatient and angry with me and said he'd just forward NMIL's to me from now on. I told him that was all fine and dandy but that it didn't solve the problem of his mother disrespecting me and that he needed to say something to her. I told him that I am sorry he's always being put in a bad position but that he was the one who said he wanted to handle his parents (and me mine) when stuff like this came up. I went on to say that if he didn't want to handle it, I was more than happy to step up and respectfully handle it myself but he would get angry with me about that too.
My problem is that dh is upset and angry with ME all the time and I'M not the one doing anything wrong. His NM is the one overstepping the boundaries and disrespecting me and then when I dare to speak up and ask not to be mistreated, I'M the bad guy with dh. Meanwhile, NMIL wreaks her havoc and consistently escapes any and all blame as far as dh is concerned. I wish I could figure out a way to make dh realize that his anger is misplaced and that I am not the one he should be upset with.
Why is it that dh would rather sell his soul to the dark side than so much as think that his NM is anything other than a saint who can do no wrong? Why does he seem so willing to throw me under the bus and ask me to suffer further mistreatment rather than stand up for me/us? More to the point, what will it take for him to wake up and see what's really going on before he does something? Honestly, sometimes - like today - I feel like dh could catch his NM red handed trying to poison me and still he'd find a way to rationalize it away and make it okay in his mind. I love my dh very much and in so many ways, he's such a wonderful man but I just don't know how much more of this constantly being put second to his NFOO I can take. It would seem to me that when NMIL disrespects me, she's also disrespecting dh since I'm his wife. But all I get from dh is excuses of how NMIL "didn't mean it" or how it was "completely unintentional". Then I'm told how I'M over-reacting, being too sensitive, etc. Am so sick of it all.
I think what I'm going to do is let dh "handle it" one last time. But the next time NMIL goes over my head and deliberately tries to cut me out of decisions involving MY ds - and I think we all know it WILL happen and sooner than later - I'm going to handle the matter and call NMIL out myself. If dh doesn't like it and/or wants to throw a fit, I don't give a shit anymore. Bottom line, if HE isn't going to nip this in the bud and put a stop to my being disrespected by his NM, then *I* will!
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Needing a reality check here...
Am feeling pretty sure I have a right to be upset but, as you all know, sometimes it's hard to know for sure and have doubts. Here's the situation...
Without going into too much detail, NBIL posted a political "joke" on Facebook earlier today. The basic gist was that if people simply work hard enough, they can be rich too and that anyone who isn't must be lazy and not working hard enough and/or that all homeless and poor people are just looking for handouts and lazy. Generally, if I disagree with someone's political views with regard to something they post, I just scroll past and let it go. The few times I DO respond, I try to be very respectful because just as I am entitled to my beliefs, so are others entitled to theirs, right? So anyways, I chose to respond to this particular "joke" and stated that the belief that all poor people were just lazy and looking for handouts is completely ridiculous. I then added a comment that luck can change in an instant and that some people would do well to remember that as they sat on their high horses looking down their noses at people less fortunate than them.
Now, admittedly, it was a bit passive-aggressive but, given my N IL's nasty behaviors recently, I couldn't help myself. I felt and feel that I handled myself respectfully enough, despite the P/A nature of the comment. I didn't come flat out and call NBIL out and I don't feel I was nasty. A bit snarky perhaps but not nasty. Also, the way I see it, by posting his views on a public forum like FB, NBIL is opening himself up to comments. Well dh threw a fit and told me I needed to delete the last part of my comment because he just KNEW that his family was going to take offense and then poor dh would be put in the middle, blah blah. After a bit of back and forth, I told dh flat out - "Look, I am NOT deleting my comment. I have every right to express my thoughts and opinions same as your family does and I have done NOTHING wrong." Dh stormed out and went to work.
Honestly, I am so sick and tired of always being expected to tip toe around dh's family because heaven forbid we offend them in any way or hurt their feelings. I am DONE. It's always ME who is supposed to apologize or take back something I said or wrote lest it offend his family....but it's okay for THEM to talk crap about me and disrespect me. Case in point, recently (I'm pretty sure I posted about this on here somewhere) NMIL manipulated the situation and went over my head to ask dh - called him at WORK no less, despite the fact she knew I was at home - if she could take ds to a local splash pad place. Dh told NMIL to ask me but instead of doing that, NMIL ignored that and mentioned it to ds thereby putting me in a bad position because I'd already confirmed with my NM that she could visit with ds that day. So then I was put in a lose/lose position because either I told ds he couldn't go and he resented me and NM for him not being able to go or I let ds go and NMIL got her way and then NM was (quite rightfully so) upset at me. When I mentioned this to dh, he blew me off and told me to just blame it on him and said my NM would get over it. It wasn't a big deal and he could care less. (Not what he came out and said but that was his attitude about it.) But when it's HIS family or HIM being put in a bad position, all of a sudden it's a HUGE deal and I need to recognize and step off. I am SO FUCKING DONE with them and their crap!!!
When NMIL pulled this stunt dh told her that, in the future, she needed to come through ME and we agreed that if she did come to him again, he would tell her to contact ME and ask ME. Well, last night, dh gets an email from NMIL asking if "we" - meaning dh and ds - were planning to go to the county fair this weekend and, if so, she was going to get tickets. Dh DID check with me before responding but not a word was said to NMIL about needing to check with me. Once again, dh let NMIL get away with cutting me out of the picture and said NOTHING. Yet I'm supposed to know beyond a doubt that he is supposedly on MY side and backs me 100%. Yeah. I can just feel the love and support dh, thanks.
On an unrelated side note, NBIL and NSIL posted video on FB this morning of the GC grandson riding around in MY ds' toy ride-around car. Now, they know full well that ds has had jealousy issues with the GC since he arrived (and deservedly so...the favoritism is obvious) and yet it doesn't occur to them that ds, who has his own FB account so that he can play Angry Birds on there (just FYI, he is always supervised when online) might see this stupid video and be upset by it? I don't give a crap if it was NBIL and NSIL who bought it for ds, it was a GIFT and , as such is DS' car and they either a) should have called and asked if it would be okay for their brat to ride in it or b) at the very least not posted it all over FB. But instead, the favored little prince is just expected to have everything handed down to him. NMIL actually got ANGRY with me recently because I refused to just GIVE her a pair of expensive tennis shoes I'd purchased for ds when he was a baby so that the GC brat could wear them!
I don't know. Am I just being a petty bitch here or do I have legitimate cause to be upset?
Without going into too much detail, NBIL posted a political "joke" on Facebook earlier today. The basic gist was that if people simply work hard enough, they can be rich too and that anyone who isn't must be lazy and not working hard enough and/or that all homeless and poor people are just looking for handouts and lazy. Generally, if I disagree with someone's political views with regard to something they post, I just scroll past and let it go. The few times I DO respond, I try to be very respectful because just as I am entitled to my beliefs, so are others entitled to theirs, right? So anyways, I chose to respond to this particular "joke" and stated that the belief that all poor people were just lazy and looking for handouts is completely ridiculous. I then added a comment that luck can change in an instant and that some people would do well to remember that as they sat on their high horses looking down their noses at people less fortunate than them.
Now, admittedly, it was a bit passive-aggressive but, given my N IL's nasty behaviors recently, I couldn't help myself. I felt and feel that I handled myself respectfully enough, despite the P/A nature of the comment. I didn't come flat out and call NBIL out and I don't feel I was nasty. A bit snarky perhaps but not nasty. Also, the way I see it, by posting his views on a public forum like FB, NBIL is opening himself up to comments. Well dh threw a fit and told me I needed to delete the last part of my comment because he just KNEW that his family was going to take offense and then poor dh would be put in the middle, blah blah. After a bit of back and forth, I told dh flat out - "Look, I am NOT deleting my comment. I have every right to express my thoughts and opinions same as your family does and I have done NOTHING wrong." Dh stormed out and went to work.
Honestly, I am so sick and tired of always being expected to tip toe around dh's family because heaven forbid we offend them in any way or hurt their feelings. I am DONE. It's always ME who is supposed to apologize or take back something I said or wrote lest it offend his family....but it's okay for THEM to talk crap about me and disrespect me. Case in point, recently (I'm pretty sure I posted about this on here somewhere) NMIL manipulated the situation and went over my head to ask dh - called him at WORK no less, despite the fact she knew I was at home - if she could take ds to a local splash pad place. Dh told NMIL to ask me but instead of doing that, NMIL ignored that and mentioned it to ds thereby putting me in a bad position because I'd already confirmed with my NM that she could visit with ds that day. So then I was put in a lose/lose position because either I told ds he couldn't go and he resented me and NM for him not being able to go or I let ds go and NMIL got her way and then NM was (quite rightfully so) upset at me. When I mentioned this to dh, he blew me off and told me to just blame it on him and said my NM would get over it. It wasn't a big deal and he could care less. (Not what he came out and said but that was his attitude about it.) But when it's HIS family or HIM being put in a bad position, all of a sudden it's a HUGE deal and I need to recognize and step off. I am SO FUCKING DONE with them and their crap!!!
When NMIL pulled this stunt dh told her that, in the future, she needed to come through ME and we agreed that if she did come to him again, he would tell her to contact ME and ask ME. Well, last night, dh gets an email from NMIL asking if "we" - meaning dh and ds - were planning to go to the county fair this weekend and, if so, she was going to get tickets. Dh DID check with me before responding but not a word was said to NMIL about needing to check with me. Once again, dh let NMIL get away with cutting me out of the picture and said NOTHING. Yet I'm supposed to know beyond a doubt that he is supposedly on MY side and backs me 100%. Yeah. I can just feel the love and support dh, thanks.
On an unrelated side note, NBIL and NSIL posted video on FB this morning of the GC grandson riding around in MY ds' toy ride-around car. Now, they know full well that ds has had jealousy issues with the GC since he arrived (and deservedly so...the favoritism is obvious) and yet it doesn't occur to them that ds, who has his own FB account so that he can play Angry Birds on there (just FYI, he is always supervised when online) might see this stupid video and be upset by it? I don't give a crap if it was NBIL and NSIL who bought it for ds, it was a GIFT and , as such is DS' car and they either a) should have called and asked if it would be okay for their brat to ride in it or b) at the very least not posted it all over FB. But instead, the favored little prince is just expected to have everything handed down to him. NMIL actually got ANGRY with me recently because I refused to just GIVE her a pair of expensive tennis shoes I'd purchased for ds when he was a baby so that the GC brat could wear them!
I don't know. Am I just being a petty bitch here or do I have legitimate cause to be upset?
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About Me
- DisturbedAngel
- I am 38 years old, married to a wonderful, loving man and the proud stay-at-home mama to a beautiful little boy. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and abusive stepfather. My half sister has always been the golden child and I, the family scapegoat who can never seem to measure up. After years of bending over backward to try and have a good relationship with my half sister, I finally severed contact in March of 2009. Then, in January of 2010, I also severed all contact with my narcissistic mother. (Updated to add that as of May 2011, I've also cut ties with my narcissistic father and stepmother as well.) Currently, I am back in contact with my NM in a limited capacity. Walking away from all that toxicity was a LONG time coming but I can't believe how much better I feel because of it. This diary is intended primarily to be a log of my journey toward healing from the abuses I've endured. I hope it will also become a place where others who've been cast as the family scapegoat or who've been the victims of a narcissist's abuse can find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.