Found an amazing post today over at Emerging From Broken about difficulty crying or feeling ashamed for crying. I definitely recommend you head on over and check it out.
This is something I've struggled with for a long time now. I'll feel sad and start to cry only to have my body shut down and not be able to cry any longer. I've tried many things, including trying to stay in the moment or watching a "tear-jerker", but nothing seems to work. I simply cannot cry more than a few seconds, if I can even start at all.
After reading the post over at Emerging From Broken, I definitely think that my inability to cry is due to the message I got growing up that crying was somehow "bad" or "wrong" when I was the one doing it. It was okay for everyone ELSE to be upset and cry, but not me. When I cried, I was told to shut up or I'd be "given something to cry about". I hadn't realized it before but I find I DO feel guilty and like I burden when I'm upset or feel the need to cry. And like Darlene, I've also felt that anger aimed at myself because I'm upset. Definitely something I need to work on.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Called my NF...
Well, I did it. I broke down and called my NF. When I called him, he was at work so couldn't talk more than just a couple minutes but he called me back later that evening and we talked for an hour. As it turned out, I might as well have talked to a mattress for an hour. Seriously, in the hour we spoke - after not speaking to him for over two years - all I found out from NF was that he still works at the same grocery store part-time, that he had a good Christmas and that he's hoping to receive a call (that'd be a pastoral call since NF is...get this....an ordained minister) to New Jersey. He also managed to work a comment in there to the effect of my supposedly having "asked for my space" and him willingly obliging. Mind you, nothing of the sort ever happened but if that's how he needs to re-write it in his head, so be it. I just ignored the comment and, surprisingly, it wasn't that hard.
I suppose a tiny part of me had wondered (I can't say "hoped" exactly) that maybe, after two years of not speaking to me at all, NF would have changed in some way. After all, after two years of not speaking with NM, when I finally spoke with her again, it was clear that some sort of thought process had gone on in her and her behavior had changed somewhat. Is she the perfect mother now? Certainly not but it's clear that she at least is TRYING to be nicer and more respectful of me and my feelings and that is enough for me. So NOT the case with my NF who talked as if we'd just spoken last week and the past two years hadn't happened.
After I'd hung up, I felt a bit disappointed but, ultimately, I was happy I'd done it and called him. I would say I now feel numb but that's not exactly accurate. To me, numb implies that I suffered some trauma and am now in a state of shock and that's not at all the case. I guess the best label for what I feel now is acceptance. I don't know if I'll speak with NF again and, if not, I feel like I'm okay with that now. Likewise, if NF needs to re-write history to make himself "right" and me "wrong", I'm okay with that too. That is to say, I don't care anymore. Used to be, something like this would have driven me crazy and I would have immediately jumped to defending myself, which would - of course - have been exactly what NF wanted and we'd have wound up arguing back and forth until I either relented and admitted to being wrong or said that we'd just have to agree to disagree. But now, I honestly don't care what NF thinks of me or of what happened. *I* know the truth and so do those who matter. And for me, now, that is enough.
I suppose a tiny part of me had wondered (I can't say "hoped" exactly) that maybe, after two years of not speaking to me at all, NF would have changed in some way. After all, after two years of not speaking with NM, when I finally spoke with her again, it was clear that some sort of thought process had gone on in her and her behavior had changed somewhat. Is she the perfect mother now? Certainly not but it's clear that she at least is TRYING to be nicer and more respectful of me and my feelings and that is enough for me. So NOT the case with my NF who talked as if we'd just spoken last week and the past two years hadn't happened.
After I'd hung up, I felt a bit disappointed but, ultimately, I was happy I'd done it and called him. I would say I now feel numb but that's not exactly accurate. To me, numb implies that I suffered some trauma and am now in a state of shock and that's not at all the case. I guess the best label for what I feel now is acceptance. I don't know if I'll speak with NF again and, if not, I feel like I'm okay with that now. Likewise, if NF needs to re-write history to make himself "right" and me "wrong", I'm okay with that too. That is to say, I don't care anymore. Used to be, something like this would have driven me crazy and I would have immediately jumped to defending myself, which would - of course - have been exactly what NF wanted and we'd have wound up arguing back and forth until I either relented and admitted to being wrong or said that we'd just have to agree to disagree. But now, I honestly don't care what NF thinks of me or of what happened. *I* know the truth and so do those who matter. And for me, now, that is enough.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Confused...
Not sure what's going on lately. I've felt a really strong pull to break NC with my N father and reach out to him in some way. Have come so close many times to emailing him or picking up the phone and calling but just before I do, I always stop for some reason.
I suppose part of me is unhappy with how things were left two years ago and continues to long for a relationship with my NF. But I'm also smart enough at this point to know that it would almost certainly end with my being hurt yet again. If I were to get in touch with him, one of two things would happen - either he'd reject me or he'd say all the right things like he did last time but they would eventually be proven fake and I'd be left hurting once again.
I just wish I could understand why there's such a huge pull. Is it just instinctual for a child to long for a relationship with one's parents? Or is it that I'm just a glutton for punishment? To listen to others, it could be either. Though, admittedly, it's far more preferable for me to believe that it's just instinctual rather than to believe that there's something wrong with me that I keep going back for more despite being hurt time and again.
Or maybe it's that things haven't been going quite as well with NM lately. She's not doing anything so completely awful I guess. It's just that she's been whining and complaining about everything lately. Every time I talk with her lately it's all her whining about how she has no money, how she's tired of living like this, how she's sick of feeling sick and tired all the time, how she hates her hair, etc. Mind you, anytime I've offered her a suggestion to solve one of her many problems, she always has an excuse why it won't work. For example, if she complains that she's tired of not having money and how she'd get a job if only there were any out there, I might mention that I saw X place hiring only for NM to respond that she doesn't want to have to work, she doesn't want to get stuck working nights and weekends and/or that they would only pay her minimum wage and she refuses to work for less than $14+ an hour. And when all else fails, NM comes out with her favorite excuse - quite simply, she "can't be bothered".
Personally, I think the real truth is that she doesn't want to help herself because then she can't go on being the victim. If there's anything NM loves, it's being able to play the victim. The proof of that in my mind is that NM is ALWAYS undergoing some sort of crisis, be it some new physical ailment or something going on externally in her life. She whines almost non-stop about having diabetes yet does NOTHING to help her situation. I've told her numerous times that she needs to avoid carbs especially in her diet but what does NM eat 99.9% of the time? That's right, carbs! She'll call me up and complain that she's feeling so shaky that day and when I ask what she's eaten that day, it's almost always, "I had some toast" or "I had some pasta". If I say anything, her response is always, "The doctor said I could!". NO, NM...what the doctor said was that it was okay once in a while to have a small portion of pasta or a slice of pizza if she went out for dinner. It was never intended that she eat that stuff at nearly every meal. But of course if NM began eating correctly, she might feel better and then she wouldn't be able to whine about the unfairness of it all that she be saddled with such a burden.
*sigh* Life with N's. Never a dull moment, is it?
I suppose part of me is unhappy with how things were left two years ago and continues to long for a relationship with my NF. But I'm also smart enough at this point to know that it would almost certainly end with my being hurt yet again. If I were to get in touch with him, one of two things would happen - either he'd reject me or he'd say all the right things like he did last time but they would eventually be proven fake and I'd be left hurting once again.
I just wish I could understand why there's such a huge pull. Is it just instinctual for a child to long for a relationship with one's parents? Or is it that I'm just a glutton for punishment? To listen to others, it could be either. Though, admittedly, it's far more preferable for me to believe that it's just instinctual rather than to believe that there's something wrong with me that I keep going back for more despite being hurt time and again.
Or maybe it's that things haven't been going quite as well with NM lately. She's not doing anything so completely awful I guess. It's just that she's been whining and complaining about everything lately. Every time I talk with her lately it's all her whining about how she has no money, how she's tired of living like this, how she's sick of feeling sick and tired all the time, how she hates her hair, etc. Mind you, anytime I've offered her a suggestion to solve one of her many problems, she always has an excuse why it won't work. For example, if she complains that she's tired of not having money and how she'd get a job if only there were any out there, I might mention that I saw X place hiring only for NM to respond that she doesn't want to have to work, she doesn't want to get stuck working nights and weekends and/or that they would only pay her minimum wage and she refuses to work for less than $14+ an hour. And when all else fails, NM comes out with her favorite excuse - quite simply, she "can't be bothered".
Personally, I think the real truth is that she doesn't want to help herself because then she can't go on being the victim. If there's anything NM loves, it's being able to play the victim. The proof of that in my mind is that NM is ALWAYS undergoing some sort of crisis, be it some new physical ailment or something going on externally in her life. She whines almost non-stop about having diabetes yet does NOTHING to help her situation. I've told her numerous times that she needs to avoid carbs especially in her diet but what does NM eat 99.9% of the time? That's right, carbs! She'll call me up and complain that she's feeling so shaky that day and when I ask what she's eaten that day, it's almost always, "I had some toast" or "I had some pasta". If I say anything, her response is always, "The doctor said I could!". NO, NM...what the doctor said was that it was okay once in a while to have a small portion of pasta or a slice of pizza if she went out for dinner. It was never intended that she eat that stuff at nearly every meal. But of course if NM began eating correctly, she might feel better and then she wouldn't be able to whine about the unfairness of it all that she be saddled with such a burden.
*sigh* Life with N's. Never a dull moment, is it?
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About Me
- DisturbedAngel
- I am 38 years old, married to a wonderful, loving man and the proud stay-at-home mama to a beautiful little boy. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and abusive stepfather. My half sister has always been the golden child and I, the family scapegoat who can never seem to measure up. After years of bending over backward to try and have a good relationship with my half sister, I finally severed contact in March of 2009. Then, in January of 2010, I also severed all contact with my narcissistic mother. (Updated to add that as of May 2011, I've also cut ties with my narcissistic father and stepmother as well.) Currently, I am back in contact with my NM in a limited capacity. Walking away from all that toxicity was a LONG time coming but I can't believe how much better I feel because of it. This diary is intended primarily to be a log of my journey toward healing from the abuses I've endured. I hope it will also become a place where others who've been cast as the family scapegoat or who've been the victims of a narcissist's abuse can find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.