Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Let the fallout begin!

It has been brought to my attention that NM has been quite busy talking indeed. Naturally, all of it has either been twisted in NM's favor or is a total lie, but that hasn't stopped her from turning pretty much all of my extended family against me.

At this point, the only person on that side of the family who hasn't made up their mind that I'M the bad one is my aunt N. According to aunt N, all the others - my GM, aunt S and uncle C - are staunchly on NM's side. Perhaps not so ironically, NM has been focusing nearly all of her whining and complaining on aunt N. I know that this is an attempt to turn the final family member against me. While I'm fairly confident that aunt N will, at the very least, remain objective, I still worry sometimes that she, too, will eventually be brought round to NM's side.

If anyone on that side of the family took two seconds to step back and really THINK about what NM is saying or doing, they'd realize how little sense she actually makes. First and foremost, what kind of a mother who claims to be so distraught and heartbroken over the state of our relationship, and supposedly wants nothing more than to heal things between us, talks so horribly about her own daughter? When you truly are repentant and want only to heal things, you don't badmouth that person, you say things like, "What can I do? How can I make it right?"

Secondly, regarding the issue of Thanksgiving, NM's latest claim is that I WAS invited by her but declined because I supposedly had other plans. Now, let's say for just a second that NM is telling the truth. She's NOT, of course but, for argument's sake, let's say she is. WHY would I complain about not being invited if I had other plans? What would be the motive for lying and saying I wasn't invited and voicing my hurt about not being included? The answer, of course, is that there IS no logical motive for doing that. Hence how anyone with half a brain who took the time to really think about it would know NM is lying.

All that being said, I suppose I can't really be surprised at how my FOO views me. NM and SJ moved NHS and I down here from Ohio to N. Carolina many years ago, when we were both still young children. We visited FOO for the first year or two and then the visits pretty much stopped. Yes, I went up there to visit my dad but I spent all my time with that side of the family rather than my NM's side. Any communication between them and I was triangulated by NM from day one and I think it's safe to say that everything was severely skewed by NM so that they only heard what she wanted them to hear.

The TRUTH is the my extended FOO really doesn't know me at all. I had hoped to overcome my anxiety issues and be able to go up and visit for Thanksgiving or Xmas this year or next. My dream was to have a big family get-together like I remember from when I was a child, before we moved down south. Of course, all that is up in smoke now, thanks to NM's sick, dysfunctional games. The result is that my own FOO has turned against me and my dreams of getting to know them as an adult are shot to hell, all so NM can "win" some sick vendetta she has against me. Yeah, she's a real caring, loving mom alright. She cares so much that she's decided if I won't be her doormat anymore, then she'll make sure I have NO ONE.

My first inclination is, like always, to defend myself against her accusations. I've been wrestling all morning with the idea of sending out a mass email to my extended FOO so that I could have the opportunity to present my side of the story. I haven't included them in the conversation thus far because, quite frankly, I didn't think it was any of their business. This is between NM and me, period. The only reason I speak to my aunt N is to get her opinion. The upside to that is that at least SOMEONE in my extended FOO hears my side of things. However, since NM has seen fit to make this the entire FOO's business, I figure why not?

The thing is, they are going to see me how they want to see me. They've obviously already made up their minds about me and sending out an email would likely only serve to reinforce those feelings. Not only that but it'd give NM further ammo to use against me. "See the awful things she says about me? What did I ever do to deserve such a wretched, evil daughter? Oh WOE is ME!!"

So, for now at least, I haven't bothered to send anything. Logically, I know it wouldn't do any good and could actually wind up doing more harm. Still, it just chaps my behind to know that bitch is running her mouth and spreading such horrible lies about me and that they are all believing what she says. And I'm sure NHS, BIL and SJ are having a flipping FIELD DAY now that I've upset NM so much.

I say, let them have her. If "winning" means having a relationship with NM and having to put up with her crap, then I'm happy to be the "loser" for once.

Still, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurt and angry about the whole thing. It's just so unbelievably UNFAIR. All my life, all I've done was try to be good enough, to do the right thing that would make all of them love and accept me and it was never enough. Even now, I'm doing the kind, respectful thing by WALKING AWAY rather than choosing to engage NM in a toxic relationship. Yet, once again, I'M the bad one and have been cast out.

I know that some would say I'm the lucky one because I've chosen to rise above the dysfunction. I got out and will go on to be happy and healthy while the rest of them stay stuck in the dysfunction. But I gotta say, most times, I don't feel very damn lucky.



  1. Sorry to hear this, DA.
    But if any consolation, I have been completely turned on by my entire family compliments of Nm and her lies. Not one member is in communication with me. I lost three people who were actually good friends, but they were so clueless and they were friends with her, too.
    She 'won' (though not really).
    I had a meltdown recently (haven't blogged about it just yet) that included alot of anger, tears, and many choice words about how unfair it is, how one person can have this control. I do hold out hope that one day truth will prevail and those who know me will remember who I am based on THEIR real experiences with me instead of basing it on her twisted stories.
    In the meantime, I am not shedding another tear. I think I'm dry out anyway!

    Hang in there--

  2. Sorry to hear this, DA.

    If any consolation, I could have written every last word. My ENTIRE family has been turned on me by my Nm.

    It sucks, it's unfair.
    I have cried, punched pillows, sworn choice words. But they didn't win.
    In the end, they did not win.

    Hang in there--it gets easier.

  3. DA, I understand exactly how you feel. A year or two ago I was so upset about the unfairness of my siblings being turned against me I decided to write a letter to them explaining my side of the story. I wrote and wrote from my heart and cried as I wrote. It was a fantastic really long letter. I liked the person I was in the letter and I was so proud of myself. I'm so glad I slept on it and didn't send it. If they had rejected me still after sending that letter, the pain would have been unbearable. And so I grieved about the loving family I'd never have. I grieved for a long time until I finally started to see that my siblings needed my NMs approval because of their own lack of inner strength and love for themselves. Let them wallow in each other's insecurity and lack of depth. They just sap your energy that is meant for better things. You are the strong one. You are insightful,sensitive, and loving. You are different for a reason! Just wanted you to know I am on YOUR side. Hugs, Elaine