Thursday, January 28, 2010

An update...

Thought I'd give a bit of an update as to what's been going on the past couple weeks.

This coming Friday will make two weeks of NC for me. So far, it's been pretty quiet. No direct contact from NM though she was working overtime the first week badmouthing me to extended FOO members. This week however has been pretty quiet.

I spoke to my aunt N and she revealed that NM has emailed her multiple times this past week wanting to know if aunt N and I have talked. Aunt N told her no, we hadn't, and that I needed time to myself right now and NM should respect that. Later in the conversation, aunt N also revealed - without coming right out and saying as much - that NM apparently wants aunt N to talk to me and convince me to agree to her "requests" and "make things right". While, previously, I'd felt rather indifferent about the whole thing, this made me really angry.

As always, it's all about NM - what SHE wants, what SHE needs. She's been giving her "woe is me" sob story to aunt N claiming she "misses me" and "just wants to know how I am". Knowing what I know now about NPD, I know that what NM is really missing is her chew toy and what she wants to know so badly is whether or not I'm miserable without her in my life these past two weeks.

Aunt N (as well as a couple other people) said how great I sound and how I haven't sounded this good in a long, long time. Then she asked if it would be okay to tell NM that she'd finally spoken to me and I was doing well. I told her sure. Let's see how NM reacts to finding out that I'm not only doing good but I'm better than I have been in years and all because she is no longer in my life! Of course, I'm now expecting some form of contact from NM. Once she hears how well I'm doing, she's going to want back in the door even more since how DARE I be able to live - and happily to boot - without her in my life!

Aside from a few down moments, I'm actually rather shocked at how good I feel. I'm happier, lighter, feel more free than I've ever felt, my anxiety level is way down, my back pain and headaches have significantly decreased and my stomach (which had previously been upset almost constantly for months) is now all but healed. I'm taking more of an interest in myself and my family with my dh and ds and have been redecorating my house in a french cottage style which I am LOVING. I'm suddenly finding I want to DO stuff now instead of just lying in bed or on the couch all day feeling sick and depressed. I've also begun to take more of an interest in how I look. Not that I didn't care before but I was more content to not fix myself up whereas now I will do my hair and get dressed even if I'm not going anywhere that day.

There is a small part of me that is sad and that misses her. We DID occasionally have good times together, such as when we'd go antique hunting or to bellydance class, and I do genuinely miss those times. The problem is that those good times had become so far and few between as to almost be non-existent. More than missing what IS, I think I'm sad for what could have been.

Sometimes I think about what our relationship COULD be if NM could just be nice. The annoying little things she says and does, I could handle. The ego the size of the sun, I could handle that too. But I cannot and will not associate with someone, especially someone who claims to love and care about me, who willfully and purposely sets out to hurt me and keep me down. NM thinks she can set out on her nasty little smear campaigns against me and rage at me via email and voice mail and then, once her rage is spent, just waltz back into my life like everything is hunky dory and we're the best of friends. While that may have been the pattern in the past, it's not going to be that way anymore. If NM wants to be a part of my life then she's going to have to put in the work to earn back my trust and respect me, my life and my boundaries instead of DEMANDING respect simply by virtue of having given birth to me and telling me I WILL follow her rules if I want her in my life.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - if it must be NM's way or the highway, I choose highway.


1 comment:

  1. Hi there,

    I wanted to stop by to say hello and to thank you for coming by my blog and leaving a comment. I also wanted to say that I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through and I will be praying for you.

    God Bless,