Hey all! I know I haven't written in a while and I do apologize. Partly, I've been busy trying to focus on redecorating my house as well as on dh and ds but I've also not really known what to write about. Now that I'm no longer getting any info about NM, things have been rather calm and uneventful.
I've been thinking a little bit about her here and there. Mostly I wonder what she's doing. Is she thinking about me? Is she the N version of "sad"? Is she angry? Is she still working overtime to smear me to the FOO? I guess what I'm wishing for is to find out that she misses me and is hurting now that I've been out of contact again, though I know that's not going to happen. If NM has thought of me at all, it's only with anger and disgust at how I'm being "silly" in my refusal to come crawling back, accept her rules and "make things right" with her.
When I last spoke to my aunt N about NM, I was told that NM was going to be visiting aunt N along with my GM while my aunt recovers from her second foot surgery and then the three of them would be going back to Ohio for my cousin J's wedding in March. I'm not sure why but hearing about this REALLY angered me for some reason. Try as I might, I cannot seem to put a finger on why it upsets me so.
One thing that's been bothering me is trying to figure out how to get some stuff back that NM had borrowed. There is a wicker bassinet that I used for ds when he was little that I'd like back, some of ds' things - books and toys - that NM has at her house and some copper pieces (some of which are quite valuable) that I'd like to have back. When NM and I last spoke, she made reference to the last gift I gave her supposedly being all the copper pieces I lent her. For one, I have given her several gifts since then and, secondly, I didn't GIVE her all the copper pieces. The majority I LENT to her and the rest, some less expensive pieces, I said she could keep. Needless to say, I'm not expecting this to go easily.
The plan right now is to have dh call NM up, give her a list of what we'd like back and then set a time to go pick the stuff up. As much as I'd like everything back, I've already told dh that if NM tries to pull anything, like saying "If DA wants her stuff back, she has to come get it herself!", then forget it. What I'm hoping is that NM will gladly give the stuff back out of spite. Sort of a "If DA doesn't want anything to do with me then FINE, I don't want her crap in my house!" kind of thing. I'll let you all know how it goes.
Since going NC, I find that I rarely think of NM and spend most of my time focusing on redecorating my house or doing stuff with my dh and ds. The times I allow myself to think about her and my past, I think anger is the dominant emotion. Anger and pain. I think about all the things she's done to me, all the things she allowed her pig husband and my bitch ass half sister to say and do to me, the way they all mistreated and abused me and I get very angry. My therapist once said that anger tends to be a cover for pain and I definitely feel there is truth to that statement because, if I dig deeper, beyond the anger, I usually find pain. Despite the amount of pain, I find it hard to cry most times. Rather, I can start crying but it usually is over quickly and, regardless of the fact that I might still feel pain and/or sadness, I am unable to cry anymore. I wonder if anyone else has experienced this? I've always assumed it is a result of years of having to repress what I was thinking or feeling in order to survive in that environment. Hmmm...
I wonder if I'll ever hear from NM again? I'd have expected her to have tried to contact me by now as she's always been more the engulfing sort of NM and I didn't expect her to let me go without a fight. Even dh says he'd have expected to hear something from her by now. Perhaps my aunt N hasn't dropped the bomb yet that I have gone NC and won't be coming back this time? Not sure how I feel about NM's reaction thus far. In one respect I feel like I should be relieved. I mean, how many of us DoNM's go NC thinking we'll finally have some peace only to find ourselves psychotically pursued by our NM's? And yet....there is a part of me that feels a bit stung to realize NM really doesn't care at all, since that is how I'm taking her non-response to this point. Is she really going to just let me walk away forever and not do anything to try and get me back? That is a bit of a tough pill to swallow. Even if she only wanted me as her chew toy at least she wanted me. But this...what do I do with THIS?? To realize that one's own mother cares so little about them...it's just heartbreaking.
Sorry this post is so all over the place. That's pretty much how I've been feeling these past couple weeks though - a little bit of everything rolled into one.