Hey all! I know I haven't written in a while and I do apologize. Partly, I've been busy trying to focus on redecorating my house as well as on dh and ds but I've also not really known what to write about. Now that I'm no longer getting any info about NM, things have been rather calm and uneventful.
I've been thinking a little bit about her here and there. Mostly I wonder what she's doing. Is she thinking about me? Is she the N version of "sad"? Is she angry? Is she still working overtime to smear me to the FOO? I guess what I'm wishing for is to find out that she misses me and is hurting now that I've been out of contact again, though I know that's not going to happen. If NM has thought of me at all, it's only with anger and disgust at how I'm being "silly" in my refusal to come crawling back, accept her rules and "make things right" with her.
When I last spoke to my aunt N about NM, I was told that NM was going to be visiting aunt N along with my GM while my aunt recovers from her second foot surgery and then the three of them would be going back to Ohio for my cousin J's wedding in March. I'm not sure why but hearing about this REALLY angered me for some reason. Try as I might, I cannot seem to put a finger on why it upsets me so.
One thing that's been bothering me is trying to figure out how to get some stuff back that NM had borrowed. There is a wicker bassinet that I used for ds when he was little that I'd like back, some of ds' things - books and toys - that NM has at her house and some copper pieces (some of which are quite valuable) that I'd like to have back. When NM and I last spoke, she made reference to the last gift I gave her supposedly being all the copper pieces I lent her. For one, I have given her several gifts since then and, secondly, I didn't GIVE her all the copper pieces. The majority I LENT to her and the rest, some less expensive pieces, I said she could keep. Needless to say, I'm not expecting this to go easily.
The plan right now is to have dh call NM up, give her a list of what we'd like back and then set a time to go pick the stuff up. As much as I'd like everything back, I've already told dh that if NM tries to pull anything, like saying "If DA wants her stuff back, she has to come get it herself!", then forget it. What I'm hoping is that NM will gladly give the stuff back out of spite. Sort of a "If DA doesn't want anything to do with me then FINE, I don't want her crap in my house!" kind of thing. I'll let you all know how it goes.
Since going NC, I find that I rarely think of NM and spend most of my time focusing on redecorating my house or doing stuff with my dh and ds. The times I allow myself to think about her and my past, I think anger is the dominant emotion. Anger and pain. I think about all the things she's done to me, all the things she allowed her pig husband and my bitch ass half sister to say and do to me, the way they all mistreated and abused me and I get very angry. My therapist once said that anger tends to be a cover for pain and I definitely feel there is truth to that statement because, if I dig deeper, beyond the anger, I usually find pain. Despite the amount of pain, I find it hard to cry most times. Rather, I can start crying but it usually is over quickly and, regardless of the fact that I might still feel pain and/or sadness, I am unable to cry anymore. I wonder if anyone else has experienced this? I've always assumed it is a result of years of having to repress what I was thinking or feeling in order to survive in that environment. Hmmm...
I wonder if I'll ever hear from NM again? I'd have expected her to have tried to contact me by now as she's always been more the engulfing sort of NM and I didn't expect her to let me go without a fight. Even dh says he'd have expected to hear something from her by now. Perhaps my aunt N hasn't dropped the bomb yet that I have gone NC and won't be coming back this time? Not sure how I feel about NM's reaction thus far. In one respect I feel like I should be relieved. I mean, how many of us DoNM's go NC thinking we'll finally have some peace only to find ourselves psychotically pursued by our NM's? And yet....there is a part of me that feels a bit stung to realize NM really doesn't care at all, since that is how I'm taking her non-response to this point. Is she really going to just let me walk away forever and not do anything to try and get me back? That is a bit of a tough pill to swallow. Even if she only wanted me as her chew toy at least she wanted me. But this...what do I do with THIS?? To realize that one's own mother cares so little about them...it's just heartbreaking.
Sorry this post is so all over the place. That's pretty much how I've been feeling these past couple weeks though - a little bit of everything rolled into one.
Hugs all,
DA xx
About Me
- DisturbedAngel
- I am 38 years old, married to a wonderful, loving man and the proud stay-at-home mama to a beautiful little boy. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and abusive stepfather. My half sister has always been the golden child and I, the family scapegoat who can never seem to measure up. After years of bending over backward to try and have a good relationship with my half sister, I finally severed contact in March of 2009. Then, in January of 2010, I also severed all contact with my narcissistic mother. (Updated to add that as of May 2011, I've also cut ties with my narcissistic father and stepmother as well.) Currently, I am back in contact with my NM in a limited capacity. Walking away from all that toxicity was a LONG time coming but I can't believe how much better I feel because of it. This diary is intended primarily to be a log of my journey toward healing from the abuses I've endured. I hope it will also become a place where others who've been cast as the family scapegoat or who've been the victims of a narcissist's abuse can find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.
DA,
ReplyDeleteI've been fighting for respect from my NM since October, and this week it has escalated beyond all insanity. NM will say anything to "get me to fall in line" -- she told me I am divorcing my family, accused my DH of being gay, proclaimed that she fears my DH will commit suicide (she has no reason to think this other than that his mentally ill bi-polar mother committed suicide) and "take me with him" and that she sometimes wishes I would divorce him - among a million other stings that add up to wow, my NM doesn't give two flips about my feelings! Of course her accusations are complete shite, but it still hurts. There's no reconciling the instinct inside you that knows you are doing what's best for your family (your DH and DS deserve peace!) with the pain of losing the HOPE that you'll ever have what you've always wanted with NM. That loss is something I think I'll spend a long time grieving, privately and with my DH, and it's the best thing to do - because any and all attention is considered supply by NM. Anna Valerious has a great post on this, here's my favorite part:
"Indifference is what the narcissist cannot stand. It indicates a lack of attention and interest that constitutes the kernel of negative NS to be avoided.
Did you get that? Attention in any form is considered to be supply. Even your provocation, anger or disgust feeds him or her. The only way to repel a narcissist is by complete and total indifference. The only way to really disturb their world is through indifference. What Vaknin outlines above is all the little ways you convey your absolute indifference. Do not allow for even a moment any shred of attention, or they will be back to making a living off of your life blood.
Cutting off all contact is the ultimate act which conveys indifference. It is the only act you can do which will stop the use of your person-hood to sustain evil, as well as dishing out a bit of satisfaction that you've gotten under the skin of a narcissist. Two major accomplishments achieved by doing nothing. How cool is that? Worried about hurting the "feelings" of the narcissist? Save it. They won't dwell on you long enough to feel anything resembling a hurt feeling. What they will feel is SCARED. Scared that they'll be forced to have a moment of introspection and have to confront the monster that dwells within. Their fear will simply drive them to seek out another warm body to feed on. You will no longer exist for them. Which works out well, since he will no longer exist for you. Even Stephen."
Stay strong, you are your own authority, and your family and your choices deserve respect.
xo
Upsi