Feeling confused...

Lately, I don't know why, but I've been thinking a lot about my NM. I suppose my main thoughts are, "What if I've been wrong about her? What if she's not really an N but just difficult or whatever? Did I do the right thing when I walked away?"

I'm thinking about things like how much she genuinely seemed to like the watercolor painting I did some time back or the times she genuinely seemed concerned or seemed to care about me or how I was feeling. I think of how she fought my dad time and again to retain custody. How, once, when SJ gave her an ultimatum, him or me, NM chose me and told him the next time he asked her to choose, he'd be out the door. I think of the times, as a young girl, NM sat up and rubbed my legs until they stopped hurting when I'd get those awful "growing pains" in them. I think of how she cared for me whenever I was sick or how she'd sit up with me as I cried after coming home from an extended visit with my dad or when a boyfriend broke up with me and my heart was hurting.

So many times, sadly, I hear stories from other DoNM's about how their NM's never seemed to show they cared at all. How their NM's were cruel, abusive and heartless. It's EASY to see those women as N's and disturbed, but the woman I described above - my mother - it's not only difficult to view her as an N, she doesn't seem to fit the bill at all.

But then I think of the other times she's seemed to go out of her way to be cruel and hurtful for seemingly no other reason than because she could. How, after a month of NC from me a couple years back, during my first talk with her, she told me that having a relationship with me was more trouble than it was worth and then, when I began to cry, coldly said to me, "Why are you crying? I certainly haven't said anything mean!" I remember the woman who, when I was just a very young girl of maybe 6 or 7, handed me a knife and demanded I stab her for betraying her to my father by unwittingly outing her in a lie to him. I think of the woman who, back in January, sat right here in my living room and said flat out she was not to blame for any of my psychological issues and, in fact, the only thing she'd EVER done wrong was to allow me to abuse and disrespect her! I think of the woman whose advice to me, when she wasn't ignoring the situation, was to just "ignore" my SJ's abuse and sexual harassment of me. When I think of THESE things, it's easier to remember why I chose to walk away. And yet....

I hate feeling like this. It's so unfair! Don't I deserve a mother who loves and cares about me? Hell, don't I deserve at least ONE parent out of the four of them who's worth a damn? Why must I ALWAYS come last, if at all, in the equation? I want a mother, damn it! And it's at times when I'm missing having a mother the most that I start to think about connecting with her again. Calling her up or sending her a letter and giving her yet another chance. I think, "Maybe if she will agree to go to therapy for X amount of time and agree to a few other things then maybe there is a chance we can work something out." Which is when the healthy part of me screams, "Are you fucking CRAZY??!", to which the other me says, "No. It's possible it could work.", despite all evidence to the contrary.

Ugh. I hope this feeling passes soon. With luck, as with the other times I've felt this way and started to consider contacting her again, something will happen or I'll hear something through the grapevine that will reaffirm that going NC was the only way to go. Here's to hoping it happens sooner than later!

Possible explanation for the N FOO's rejection of us DoNM's...

Recently, in reading and posting over on the DoNM board, I've come across some things that have really stood out to me.

The first was a comment by a poster who said that her therapist recently told her that the more she is rejected by her N FOO than the healthier that means she is. For some time now, I've found myself wondering just what is it about me that my N FOO finds so disappointing? What it is about me that bothers them so and makes them care so little about me? Why are they so cold and rejecting toward me? Why is nothing I do ever good enough? Why is it that the harder I try to be 'good enough' for them, the more they seem to reject me? Well, after reading this, it finally makes sense - it truly isn't me. It's them.

Perhaps the reason - or at least part of it - our N FOO members are so threatened by us is because we act as a sort of mirror to their inner selves. When we are towing the line and being good little doormats we aren't calling attention to the dysfunction and the N's in our lives are able to go about their merry little ways and pretend that they are the perfect people they so want to believe they are. But the healthier we become, the more we begin reflecting the dysfunction back in their faces, thereby making it harder for them to live their lie. Because they are unwilling or unable to face the truth, they project those flaws onto us and we are labeled at "too sensitive" or "problematic", etc.

There's a saying we've all heard before that reads, "The truth hurts." Perhaps that is truest for narcissists. I know that, at least in my NM's case, I honestly believe that to fully confront the truth would literally destroy her. She's spent so much effort for so many years carefully constructing the lie that is her life - that her dh is a loving supportive man; that my NHS is the perfect, doting daughter; that I am the source of all her problems, etc. - that to finally come face to face with the truth would likely cause her to crack and be sent over the edge into true insanity.

Maybe that's why she's so strong in her rejection of me - because the alternative is a literal threat to her survival? So instead, she projects all her flaws onto me. Definitely an interesting thought.

Some thoughts on my past...

Saw two really good movies on Netflix over the weekend. The first was "Searching for Angela Shelton" which is about a woman named Angela Shelton who decides to travel the country and interview other women named Angela Shelton. In the process, she discovers that 24 out of the 40 Angela Sheltons she speaks to are survivors of rape, childhood sexual abuse and/or domestic violence. (The number jumped to 28 out of 40 when 4 more Angelas broke their silence after the movie was completed.) On her journey the filmmaker meets an Angela Shelton who tracks sexual predators and lives in the same town as the filmmaker's father, who sexually abused her and her siblings for years.

There was one scene in particular that really stood out to me. Just prior to this scene, Angela had visited her father for the first time in, I think, 12 years to confront him about the abuse he perpetrated on her and her siblings. Much as my N FOO has done anytime I've confronted them about the abuse, her dad sat there and denied everything. In the next scene, the one that really hit me, we see Angela stopped on the side of the road in the motor home she's been traveling in and she is furious. It was a scene of righteous anger so intense and pure that it struck me as beautiful in its intensity. I could totally relate to that feeling of pure, unadulterated righteous anger as it's something I've felt myself a couple of times in my life. Particularly after confronting my NM and having her just sit there and deny everything.

The other movie I saw was called "Jake's Closet". The movie is about 6 year old Jake and him trying to cope with the fact that his parents marriage is falling apart and they are divorcing. A neighbor boy convinces Jake that there is a zombie in his closet which leads to Jake becoming obsessed with learning about zombies and how to get rid of it.

There were scenes in the movie that really triggered some feelings in me that I had thought were dealt with or that I had repressed. In one scene, for example, we see Jake's mom and her friend interrogating Jake and asking him questions like, "Has your dad ever hit you? Does he hurt you?" In another, Jake has been left alone with his mother's friend - who is a nasty, mean woman if you ask me - and she finds Jake hiding in the garden and tells him to go play with her bratty son. Jake, depressed and worried about the zombie in his closet, tells her he doesn't want to play and the woman launches into him, yelling, "What? You think you're BETTER than my son?" Poor Jake stammers, "No.", to which she responds, "Good! Because you're NOT!"

My heart just broke for the sweet little boy and as I watched everyone fighting and worrying about themselves, it reminded me of being a very young child and the fighting between my four parents that went on for years and how me and my needs were ignored. In another scene, the dad has just officially left the home with all his stuff in boxes and the mom makes to walk into another room and poor little Jake grabs a hold of her leg, obviously terrified that his mother will leave him too. Instead of comforting the child and reassuring him, all she can think to do is chastise him for being a baby and go on about how SHE is hurting and doesn't need this right now. It SO reminded me of my own NP's and their constantly only thinking of themselves and THEIR feelings when I was so clearly hurting.

Ever since watching those two movies, I've been a bit sick inside and so very angry. I think of all the times I was forced to call my NM by my dad and SM and tell her I wanted to stay with them or something else. Once I was promised an extra piece of chocolate cake. I think I was around 10 at the time maybe? I finally agreed to call her and said what they'd told me to say...or so I thought. As soon as I hung up, my dad and SM lit into me about not saying the right thing or giving the wrong answers a few times. Needless to say, I was sent to bed and never got that piece of cake I was promised.

Other times I was sat down and interrogated for what seemed to me like hours on end. I'd be asked by my NM, "Did you daddy ever touch you in your privates? Does he ever kiss you on the mouth?" or my dad and SM would ask similar things about my SJ or whether or not my NM left my NHS and I home alone, etc.

When the part of the movie showed the nasty neighbor lady telling little Jake that he wasn't better than her precious son, dh said to me, "Who says something like that to a kid?" and I said, "I don't know. Probably the same sort of woman who would say something like, 'You'll be pretty when you grow up but you'll never be beautiful like my daughter.'" Dh asked who'd said that and I told him, "My SM. When I was about 9 years old maybe and already feeling ugly and insecure about how I looked."

Sometimes, like this weekend, I think of all I've been through and it just makes me so sad for little DisturbedAngel who had to endure all that crap. The adult me is also extremely angry. How could they, my parents - those supposed adults - be so cruel and care so little about how I must have felt all those years? How DARE they use me so thoughtlessly like that, just to get at one another! And yet they all go on and on ad nauseum about what wonderful parents they all are and were.

About 2/3 of the way through the second movie, "Jake's Closet", dh and I were in the kitchen and I just walked over and hugged him, crying, and said to him, "Thank you so much for being a good father and husband to ds and I." Dh asked what was wrong and I told him that I just couldn't believe all that I'd been made to suffer. I then added that my only consolation was that our ds would never know that kind of pain. He'll never know the pain of a broken home or being used as a pawn to get at other people. My dh and I are committed to giving our ds as stable a home as we can possibly provide. Truly, ds and his needs and well-being will ALWAYS come first. Dh and I feel so strongly about this that we both agreed long ago, before we ever got married, that should we marry someday and have children that even if we fell out of love, we'd keep our feelings to ourselves and go on as if everything was perfectly normal until our child or children were grown and out of the home. Only THEN would we divorce and pursue our own lives. Dh knows what I've been through and he's seen the damage that was done psychologically to me over the years. Therefore, barring an exception like abuse or drug/alcohol abuse, we agree that our wants and needs come second to ds' well-being.

If only my NP's could have felt the same...

Just biding my time at this point...

More crap from my SM. I posted this link about First Lady Michelle Obama's recent vacation trip to Spain along with this comment: So let me get this straight, when Laura Bush was First Lady and took a vacation with her two daughters, that was an "official" trip but when First Lady Michelle Obama does it, it's "wasting taxpayers money" and people get their panties all in a snit about her taking a personal vacation. Oh yeah, racism is SO alive and well in this country.

A friend of mine commented, "GWB was the MOST vacationing President ever, the next in line is the anti hero Reagan. Now these revisionist historians are trying to say that when Obama is on the golfcourse it is vacation time. WTH?? Funny how when their lying idiot indolent rich boy was President we were all supposed to toe the party line because it eroded his power to question him! How the story changes!".

Then I came back and wrote, "Yeah well, those same people also claim that there were no terrorist/domestic attacks under George W. Bush's Presidency. Um....WHAT???!! Anyone remember9/11??!!!

I would never generalize and say ALL people who dislike or are outright against... Obama are racist but I think that it's the main problem for MANY of those who are. Of course, you'll never hear them admit to it, save for a few good ole boys who aren't shy about expressing their racist views." My friend concurred that she also thought racism was an underlying problem in the issue.

Then SM has to rear her ignorant ass and posts, "George went to camp David...on the wk ends. And no one is say that Michelle shouldn't take the girls, however we have had a BIG problem in the Gulf, IF this had happened on Georges watch he would had never taken, and didn't during 911 until... all was in order, THIS has nothing to do with race and the more people try and put that into to it WE as a country will NEVER," GET" what the truth is about our deference. The Vac. are not about the Vac. it's about the money being spent at this time when things are so bad here. They don't pay for those vac. we do."

Now, a) this has a LOT to do with race, how could it not? Not saying it's true for everyone but I've heard WAY too many ignorant people say to me, "I'll tell you what my problem is with Obama, I don't like some uppity n***er running this country and telling me what to do!" to be stupid enough to think race doesn't play a large part in the extreme dislike of President Obama. b) SM and my dad are totally racist themselves, which is why I doth think she protest so strongly. I can remember driving along the road in a car as a young girl with my dad and seeing a black person (can't remember if it was a man or woman) stranded at the side of the road and leaning over the opened hood of their car, which was smoking. I think I made a comment about the car blowing up and my dad suddenly yelled, "Oh no! Chocolate chips!" and laughed hysterically about it. More recently, he apparently refused to give the Holy Communion to his African American parishioners without wearing latex surgical gloves. Yeah, but race has nothing to do with it...

So I come back with, "The Obamas have already stated, as did the author of the article, that the WHITE HOUSE and thus American tax dollars, are NOT paying for the trip. The cost of lodging and such is being paid for PRIVATELY by them. They DO have their OWN mone...y ya know. Yes, the Secret Service are paid for by our tax dollars but there's not much can be done about that. It's not like she can go anywhere without them. As First Lady, she has no choice.

Furthermore, they've taken TWO trips to the Gulf now on official business but some people whined that they were taking "vacations" THEN too.

Bottom line, some people just hate Obama period - be it because of his race or whatever - and no matter WHAT he does, they'll find something to bitch about." and my friend wrote, "Bush's mom Barbara said that the hurricane victims were probably better off inside the Dome than their homes, and there is tape of her saying it!"

SM's response was a post on my wall that reads, "True...however if people DON'T stop saying it's race then race it will be. I for one just do not believe in the Dom. way of thinking and his way of thinking is WAY far left for me and so many others. So come Nov. I guess we will see what happens. Remember that the last 4 yrs of Bush was run by the Dems. both in the hou...se and sen. just as so much got done in Clintons last 4 yrs that people rave about well the house and sent. was run by the Rep. funny :0)" Yeah. Funny. So funny I forgot to laugh!

My response, "Oh, I still say race has a HUGE part in why so many hate Obama and/or are against him. It may not be EVERYONE'S problem with him - which is why I've never generalized it that way - but rest assured it IS a very real issue.", followed by my friend's response of, "Feels like more misinformation from Fox and it's ilk who like to use buzz words like socialism to make people fall into lockstep. It is American to question your leadership, what should not be the American way is allowing Fox or MSNBC for... that matter put out opinion as News. That should be sacrosanct so that people can make really informed decisions based on unbiased reportage! The news we get now is biased because it is also coopted by 4 the large CORPORATIONS that own them and choose what they decide we need to know and remember scared people are easier to fool."

I LOVED this comment from my friend because SM is a HUGE fan of Fox News. When they came to visit once and stayed with us, it was literally ALL they watched the entire time. And more recently, SM has gone on many times ad nauseum about how I need to watch this show on Fox News or how I need to watch that show on Fox News. I suspect that with Palin - SM's idol - joining the Fox fold, SM will eat, sleep and breathe Fox News.

This is where it gets crazy. (Or crazier since pretty much any interaction with SM is a guaranteed trip to Crazy Town.) All was quiet for a while and then, out of nowhere, SM writes on my FB wall, "So I guess Bush and our gov. is bigger then God?" Ummm.....I'm sorry, WHAT??? I went back and reread the entire conversation three times trying to figure out what she was referring to and even asked my friend if she knew what the hell SM was talking about. My friend's response to that was, "I have no idea. She's nuts." LOL You got THAT shit right!

Honestly, this is just the final straw on the camel's back. Between her horrid attitude when she and my dad were visiting in June, her continued snarky comments and constant "one upping" to me the few times I've spoken with her on the phone since and then this shit on my FB wall yesterday, I have just HAD IT with this woman! I finally got around to kicking my NM, NSJ and NHS to the curb because I got tired of dealing with their N shit and now I should put up with this? I don't think so. I've had enough of these damn N's and their constant nastiness and need for drama. Enough is enough!

Previously I'd mentioned hesitation in going NC with SM because it would mean having to go NC with my dad as well. After giving it a bit of thought however, it occurred to me that there was nothing to lose. I haven't heard a single peep from my dad since he and SM left here in June. JUNE! And of course it's now August. The man works at a freaking grocery store for cripes sakes. I mean, really, how busy can he be? I'm supposed to believe that he's so freaking busy stocking groceries and sweeping up the mess in aisle three that he doesn't have two minutes to call up his supposed "favorite" daughter and ask how I'm doing or even to send off a quick email asking the same? Of course he has the time, he just doesn't care enough to bother himself. Same story I've been living with for....well, pretty much my entire life now.

He barely cared before but at least back when I was under 18 years of age, I still served the purpose of being used as a pawn to get at my mom. Now that I'm an adult who he can't control with his bullying anymore, he has no use and, therefore, no interest in me. So screw SM and screw him too.

As of now, I'm just waiting for the bday card that I know will be coming for dh in September and will likely contain a check. Even without the check, at least dh will have received a card which is more than I got for my bday which is reason enough for me to tell SM and dear ole dad to take a hike. Even dh says that he is going to have a HUGE problem with them if he gets a card on his bday when I didn't. He says if that happens he's going to call them up and give them a piece of his mind. I told him he can do what he wants, once that happens, my next contact with them will be my NC letter telling them to leave me alone.

(I know some of you will probably say, 'Why not just go NC now since it's obvious you want it?'. I guess it's because of my DoNM fleas or whatever but I just feel like there needs to be a "real" reason lest I look like an over-reacting, overly-sensitive twit. And dh's bday being acknowledged while mine went not acknowledged would be reason enough for me. Though if they don't send dh a bday card, I still plan to go NC anyhow. I'll just have to find another reason to do it.)

AAAAAAH!!!

Went to the chiropractor today. MIL and ds were with me. We pull up and I notice a car in the parking lot that is the same make, model and color as NM's vehicle. As MIL is getting ds out of the car, I walk over and look in the window and see a towel on the driver seat and a booster seat in the backseat - it was definitely NM's car. Great.

I tell MIL, who looks at me and says, "Well...what do you want to do now? Do you want me to leave with ds and come back for you?" I thought a moment and said, "No. This was bound to happen sometime. Let's just get it over with."

As we walked down the short sidewalk to the front door, I felt myself beginning to get extremely anxious. We walk in the front door, and I'm expecting NM to be right there and notice us right away. Luckily, NM was no where to be seen. As I'm signing in at the front desk, I continue looking around and tried to peek at the appointment sheet. Sure enough, NM was scheduled at the same time as me! Eek!

Bless the dear staff of the chiro's office because they allowed MIL and ds to sit in a room down the hall where NM couldn't see them. I made sure ds and MIL were settled and then planned to wait in the main waiting room and let whatever happened, happen. It was eerie - it felt like time actually slowed down as I stood there, waiting to see HER appear. After a minute or so (that felt like a freaking eternity), I finally said to myself, "I can't do this" and I went into the room with MIL and ds and asked the girls at the front desk to call me when it was my turn and/or when my NM left. As it turned out, we never saw NM and, as far as I know, she never even knew we were there.

I felt okay about everything at first but, a short while later, I was pissed at myself for chickening out and not letting the confrontation happen. I still would have put ds in the side room with MIL and/or had MIL leave with ds and come back for me - I wouldn't allow him to be a part of the confrontation willingly, if there was a choice in the matter - but I hate that I ran and hid from HER.

I don't know what I expected might happen. Maybe that's the problem - not knowing what exactly to expect. But a part of me wanted her to see me, to see how good I look and how well I'm doing without her. (That same part of me also hoped she wouldn't look as if she were doing well.) Part of me wanted her to dare to say something or try to start a scene so I could tell her off and walk away. And yet, the other part of me is just sick of the drama and refused to give her an ounce of her precious N supply.

Had she seen us there, especially if she'd seen ds, I expect she'd have made this big tearful scene and there would have been much fuss over ds - "Oh, hi big guy! Grandma loves and misses you so much! It's so good to SEE you!", all said with fake ass tears streaming down her cheeks and having to make a big deal out of hugging him and whatnot. Then she'd have left and either called my NGM or aunt N on her drive home, all tears about how she got to see him by chance until I saw her and shepherded him away from her, once again "keeping" her precious grandson from her. That would have started the family gossip train running full steam ahead which would have brought the comments and FM's to me in full attack through the grapevine. Sorry (not really), but I refuse to give her the satisfaction of all that attention and sympathy! I also refuse to give my stupid N FOO any more "proof" of my badness/wrongness to use against me. So, that considered, walking away into the other room was the way to go. Still, a part of me feels weak for running away from the confrontation.

Dh says I should be proud that I even went inside knowing she was already there. I suppose I can see that but, unfortunately, it doesn't really help the feelings that I'm weak or was too chicken.

Another part of it is that I'm so SICK of being afraid of her, of all of them. I'm sick of them controlling me out of fear of what they might say or do. I'm sick of them making me upset, of them hurting me and making me cry over and over and over. For these reasons, it would have been nice to have confronted her and maintained the upper hand, to let her do what she will and not let it get to me and to have left her standing there wondering why all her old tricks don't work anymore. Worst of all I think is thinking, "What if she knew I was there and, not seeing me, knew I must have run to hide and got a laugh out of how she can still control me?" Or what if she realized I was there today and then decides to show up at my door or contact me?

Up till this near run-in today, I'd have thought I was now in a place where she couldn't shake me so much. However, considering how shaken up I was just knowing she was there at the same time I was, I can no longer deny the hold she still has on me and my emotions. And, boy, does that ever chap my behind!

I just want to be free of her, really and truly free of this insane hold she has on my life. I want to reach a place where I can think of the past and not have it get me upset or down for a day or two. I want to reach a place where I can see her car out front and walk inside, confident, my head held high and not be afraid of what might happen.

Maybe some day....