Recently, in reading and posting over on the DoNM board, I've come across some things that have really stood out to me.
The first was a comment by a poster who said that her therapist recently told her that the more she is rejected by her N FOO than the healthier that means she is. For some time now, I've found myself wondering just what is it about me that my N FOO finds so disappointing? What it is about me that bothers them so and makes them care so little about me? Why are they so cold and rejecting toward me? Why is nothing I do ever good enough? Why is it that the harder I try to be 'good enough' for them, the more they seem to reject me? Well, after reading this, it finally makes sense - it truly isn't me. It's them.
Perhaps the reason - or at least part of it - our N FOO members are so threatened by us is because we act as a sort of mirror to their inner selves. When we are towing the line and being good little doormats we aren't calling attention to the dysfunction and the N's in our lives are able to go about their merry little ways and pretend that they are the perfect people they so want to believe they are. But the healthier we become, the more we begin reflecting the dysfunction back in their faces, thereby making it harder for them to live their lie. Because they are unwilling or unable to face the truth, they project those flaws onto us and we are labeled at "too sensitive" or "problematic", etc.
There's a saying we've all heard before that reads, "The truth hurts." Perhaps that is truest for narcissists. I know that, at least in my NM's case, I honestly believe that to fully confront the truth would literally destroy her. She's spent so much effort for so many years carefully constructing the lie that is her life - that her dh is a loving supportive man; that my NHS is the perfect, doting daughter; that I am the source of all her problems, etc. - that to finally come face to face with the truth would likely cause her to crack and be sent over the edge into true insanity.
Maybe that's why she's so strong in her rejection of me - because the alternative is a literal threat to her survival? So instead, she projects all her flaws onto me. Definitely an interesting thought.