Recently, in reading and posting over on the DoNM board, I've come across some things that have really stood out to me.
The first was a comment by a poster who said that her therapist recently told her that the more she is rejected by her N FOO than the healthier that means she is. For some time now, I've found myself wondering just what is it about me that my N FOO finds so disappointing? What it is about me that bothers them so and makes them care so little about me? Why are they so cold and rejecting toward me? Why is nothing I do ever good enough? Why is it that the harder I try to be 'good enough' for them, the more they seem to reject me? Well, after reading this, it finally makes sense - it truly isn't me. It's them.
Perhaps the reason - or at least part of it - our N FOO members are so threatened by us is because we act as a sort of mirror to their inner selves. When we are towing the line and being good little doormats we aren't calling attention to the dysfunction and the N's in our lives are able to go about their merry little ways and pretend that they are the perfect people they so want to believe they are. But the healthier we become, the more we begin reflecting the dysfunction back in their faces, thereby making it harder for them to live their lie. Because they are unwilling or unable to face the truth, they project those flaws onto us and we are labeled at "too sensitive" or "problematic", etc.
There's a saying we've all heard before that reads, "The truth hurts." Perhaps that is truest for narcissists. I know that, at least in my NM's case, I honestly believe that to fully confront the truth would literally destroy her. She's spent so much effort for so many years carefully constructing the lie that is her life - that her dh is a loving supportive man; that my NHS is the perfect, doting daughter; that I am the source of all her problems, etc. - that to finally come face to face with the truth would likely cause her to crack and be sent over the edge into true insanity.
Maybe that's why she's so strong in her rejection of me - because the alternative is a literal threat to her survival? So instead, she projects all her flaws onto me. Definitely an interesting thought.
About Me
- DisturbedAngel
- I am 38 years old, married to a wonderful, loving man and the proud stay-at-home mama to a beautiful little boy. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and abusive stepfather. My half sister has always been the golden child and I, the family scapegoat who can never seem to measure up. After years of bending over backward to try and have a good relationship with my half sister, I finally severed contact in March of 2009. Then, in January of 2010, I also severed all contact with my narcissistic mother. (Updated to add that as of May 2011, I've also cut ties with my narcissistic father and stepmother as well.) Currently, I am back in contact with my NM in a limited capacity. Walking away from all that toxicity was a LONG time coming but I can't believe how much better I feel because of it. This diary is intended primarily to be a log of my journey toward healing from the abuses I've endured. I hope it will also become a place where others who've been cast as the family scapegoat or who've been the victims of a narcissist's abuse can find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.
I really think you have the answer there. I think in their delusional minds they now believe as truth the fantasies they have created. However, I also think that somewhere deep they also know they are complete frauds. By us confronting them with reality, well its too much to take.
ReplyDeleteWhen we break from the falsehood that our FOOs what to display as a normal, functional family, it reveals to the outside world that it was simply a façade. This simply cannot stand, so they will use whatever tools they have to keep you in line.
ReplyDeleteGreat thoughts all around, DA. I definitely feel that way about momster.
You really nailed it! I agree 110% with everything you said. We are all supposed to reach a point in our lives, it's called the "age of reason" which usually occurs by age six. It's when we truly begin to mature emotionally, because we develop a sense of empathy for others. Narcissists never reach this point. Their intelligence matures, but not their emotional development. Because their intelligence grows, however, they are quite capable of discerning right from wrong, but because of their "magical thinking" (rules and social norms don't apply to me!), they begin the long process of living only for themselves. At some point though, I believe they reach a point of no return in which that what you have described so eloquently occurs- they simply cannot face the truth about themselves, or it would destroy them.
ReplyDeleteIt definitely threatens their delusional narrative that they've crafted in their own minds - most people can hear alternative viewpoints, but to the Narcissist this threatens their very core. It's a bit sad really.
ReplyDeleteReading above: seconding Dee's comment. The second para particularly:
"When we are towing the line and being good little doormats we aren't calling attention to the dysfunction and the N's in our lives are able to go about their merry little ways and pretend that they are the perfect people they so want to believe they are. But the healthier we become, the more we begin reflecting the dysfunction back in their faces..."
Holy heck this rings true. Well said too.
[Sorry your FOO are such jerks (to use shorthand). You probably already know this, but all I can say is you don't deserve to be rejected or treated shabbily. I know that's cold comfort from an internet stranger, but I have nothing else to offer but text on screen!]