Feeling confused...

Lately, I don't know why, but I've been thinking a lot about my NM. I suppose my main thoughts are, "What if I've been wrong about her? What if she's not really an N but just difficult or whatever? Did I do the right thing when I walked away?"

I'm thinking about things like how much she genuinely seemed to like the watercolor painting I did some time back or the times she genuinely seemed concerned or seemed to care about me or how I was feeling. I think of how she fought my dad time and again to retain custody. How, once, when SJ gave her an ultimatum, him or me, NM chose me and told him the next time he asked her to choose, he'd be out the door. I think of the times, as a young girl, NM sat up and rubbed my legs until they stopped hurting when I'd get those awful "growing pains" in them. I think of how she cared for me whenever I was sick or how she'd sit up with me as I cried after coming home from an extended visit with my dad or when a boyfriend broke up with me and my heart was hurting.

So many times, sadly, I hear stories from other DoNM's about how their NM's never seemed to show they cared at all. How their NM's were cruel, abusive and heartless. It's EASY to see those women as N's and disturbed, but the woman I described above - my mother - it's not only difficult to view her as an N, she doesn't seem to fit the bill at all.

But then I think of the other times she's seemed to go out of her way to be cruel and hurtful for seemingly no other reason than because she could. How, after a month of NC from me a couple years back, during my first talk with her, she told me that having a relationship with me was more trouble than it was worth and then, when I began to cry, coldly said to me, "Why are you crying? I certainly haven't said anything mean!" I remember the woman who, when I was just a very young girl of maybe 6 or 7, handed me a knife and demanded I stab her for betraying her to my father by unwittingly outing her in a lie to him. I think of the woman who, back in January, sat right here in my living room and said flat out she was not to blame for any of my psychological issues and, in fact, the only thing she'd EVER done wrong was to allow me to abuse and disrespect her! I think of the woman whose advice to me, when she wasn't ignoring the situation, was to just "ignore" my SJ's abuse and sexual harassment of me. When I think of THESE things, it's easier to remember why I chose to walk away. And yet....

I hate feeling like this. It's so unfair! Don't I deserve a mother who loves and cares about me? Hell, don't I deserve at least ONE parent out of the four of them who's worth a damn? Why must I ALWAYS come last, if at all, in the equation? I want a mother, damn it! And it's at times when I'm missing having a mother the most that I start to think about connecting with her again. Calling her up or sending her a letter and giving her yet another chance. I think, "Maybe if she will agree to go to therapy for X amount of time and agree to a few other things then maybe there is a chance we can work something out." Which is when the healthy part of me screams, "Are you fucking CRAZY??!", to which the other me says, "No. It's possible it could work.", despite all evidence to the contrary.

Ugh. I hope this feeling passes soon. With luck, as with the other times I've felt this way and started to consider contacting her again, something will happen or I'll hear something through the grapevine that will reaffirm that going NC was the only way to go. Here's to hoping it happens sooner than later!