Can't remember if I've ever mentioned my HB (half bro) on here before or not. My dad and SM have two kids between then, my HS and HB. I am on good terms with my HS and we speak when we can find the time. She's very busy with work and raising her daughter so time is scarce but, when we're able to talk, we get along well and are pretty close.
My HB on the other hand, I haven't really spoken to in 20-some years. When I last saw him, I think he was 3 years old. That was the last time I visited my dad before he cut contact with me and we wound up not speaking for 17 years or so. Since reconnecting with my dad, I've tried on many occasions to speak with my HB but he isn't really interested. I did get one or two emails from him that were very brief and it was clear he was/is really angry. The gist I got at that time, and my understanding since then, was that my HB's main issue with me - why he wasn't willing to have anything to do with me - was that he had sent me a letter in first grade and I never responded. I explained to him at the time that I never received any letter and, if I had, I would of course have responded but he refused to respond to my attempts to speak with him further and I, out of respect for his wishes, stopped trying to contact him.
So I found out last night from a mutual contact that the actual reason my HB is upset with me is because, years ago when I was about 15 and made an effort to reconnect with my dad and we met up, my dad apparently told my HS and HB that I would be coming by to see them that night and I never showed. I was completely LIVID upon hearing this because my dad knew damn well at the time that that was not the case. I had specifically told him that I wanted to meet with just him at that point and that, if things went well, then we could talk about my seeing the kids also. I specifically did it this way because I felt, even at 15, that it would be cruel to bring them in early on when it was possible things wouldn't work out and I could walk away. I knew they'd be devastated if that happened and so I purposely told my dad that I did not want to meet with the kids. And that unbelievable bastard when and LIED to them and told them I said I was coming and then made it seem as if I changed my mind and didn't show up.
Is it any wonder my HB wants nothing to do with me, that he doesn't want to risk being hurt by me again, after being LIED to all these years by my dad and SM? And yet SM and my dad sit there on their f**king high horses acting as if I'M the one who needs to make amends with my HB, as if I'M the one who ran it off track as well as reaming my HB because he's not willing to just forget what he's been told about me all these years and suddenly want to be all close with me.
At this point I don't much care if I ever speak to either dad or SM again. I'm sure SM will be calling sometime in the next few days. I don't plan on picking up.
I think I mentioned that my dad and SM didn't acknowledge my bday. Well, they called for a few minutes to say Happy Birthday but the card SM promised would be here, albeit late, never came nor did any gift of a check which is their usual these days. The few times I made conversation about what I got from dh or that my chiropractor sent me a card for a free adjustment for my bday, SM just blew it off and said nothing. I feel certain that they'll be sending dh a card and check for his upcoming bday on the 15th of this month and, when that happens, I planned to go NC at that time thinking that would be my final straw. However, after finding out what I did about my HB yesterday, I'm not so sure an extra 14 days is even necessary.
About Me
- DisturbedAngel
- I am 38 years old, married to a wonderful, loving man and the proud stay-at-home mama to a beautiful little boy. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and abusive stepfather. My half sister has always been the golden child and I, the family scapegoat who can never seem to measure up. After years of bending over backward to try and have a good relationship with my half sister, I finally severed contact in March of 2009. Then, in January of 2010, I also severed all contact with my narcissistic mother. (Updated to add that as of May 2011, I've also cut ties with my narcissistic father and stepmother as well.) Currently, I am back in contact with my NM in a limited capacity. Walking away from all that toxicity was a LONG time coming but I can't believe how much better I feel because of it. This diary is intended primarily to be a log of my journey toward healing from the abuses I've endured. I hope it will also become a place where others who've been cast as the family scapegoat or who've been the victims of a narcissist's abuse can find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.
I don't know if this is true with most Ns, but I can say that my NM set me up in a fashion like this, for the sole purpose of 'proving' what an awful person I was to the entire family. She even wrote me a letter playing this game to 'show' me how she was doing me in. I'm sure it was also a ploy to get me to defend myself, so she could call me a liar and drive the hurt in further. At this point the others in my FOO are going to have to figure her out for themselves.
ReplyDeleteIf a bday card & check arrives for your DH, will you be sending it back?
Rys - I hadn't thought about it but, now that you've brought it up, yes, I will be sending any bday cards and checks back to dad and SM...very likely along with an NC letter!
ReplyDeleteNarcissists slam people to other family members in order to build themselves up and cause triangulation and schisms within the FOO (and amongst extended family). However, I do think you're not awarding HB enough autonomy and independence of thought.
ReplyDeleteWhere is he in all this? He's responsible for his own actions, who he listens to, and what he does.
I think you need to give him more responsibility here. Yes, Ns bad-mouth people, but has he taken the time to do some Sherlock Holmesian sleuthing himself?
Hope this disagreement is okay at your blog - I love reading it, let me know if I've put my foot wrong! :)
PWC, respectful disagreement is welcome anytime! ;)
ReplyDeleteI see what you're saying about HB and I agree to an extent but I also know how hard it can be to override what you've been told all your life even when you know better. Even when you know the reality is your parents never loved you and, in fact, lied to you and did things deliberately to hurt you, it's hard to accept it. HB knows his P's have lied about many things, all the same, I think he just doesn't want to risk being hurt anymore which I can understand. Personally, I would tell him that a life without risk isn't really much of a life at all but, he's 27 and has to choose for himself. :)
Oh awesome! Great, thank you for your gracious response.
ReplyDeleteI hear what you're saying about continuing to trust people who have lied to you, I totally get that. Maybe your HB will some day be willing to take the risk to get to know you. I hope so, because you seem pretty great.
Have a great weekend!