I can't believe it's been 8 months already. Doesn't seem like it's been that long. Crazy how the time flies.
So much has changed too. I feel....lighter, freer...less burdened down with frustration and stress. I'm not depressed like I was, though I didn't even realize I WAS depressed at that time. My anxiety levels are way down. My physical health has improved greatly. I'm sleeping better, despite occasional bouts of insomnia. I'm happier. I smile more. I feel more confident and self-assured. My mood isn't so stormy, especially with regard to my dh and ds. And for the first time in a long time, maybe ever, I think I finally know what is it to feel relaxed and content.
On the downside, there's still a part of me that misses my mom. So many times, certain times more so than others, I'd like to just be able to pick up a phone and call her and just chat about the small stuff - what's been going on with her, how's her jewelry business going, tell her how my dog is doing, what I've been up to, how ds is doing, tell her that ds lost two teeth already and has started preschool, etc. I miss those rare good moments we had, just sitting and talking or going antique shopping together.
The thing is, for us to ever have any kind of relationship again, NM would have to be willing to change her old, toxic behaviors. At the very, very least, she'd have to back off when I put my foot down and asked her to stop saying or doing something that violated one of my boundaries. But, at least in the past, any attempts to put my foot down - no matter how politely or respectfully it's done - has been seen as a challenge to NM which she then goes out of her way to violate in an effort to put me in my place and show me who's boss.
NM has always been a "taker" in relationships which, in and of itself wouldn't be so bad necessarily provided she also GAVE a little in return. But NM doesn't give anything to anyone except herself and, at least in my opinion, a relationship - at least one with any hope of working - MUST be give and take from both parties. Otherwise, it's a lot like paddling on only one side of the boat - you just go in circles and never get anywhere!
It's been 8 months of no contact from me. Half that time would be more than enough to make most people stop and think and usually rethink a few things and maybe make some changes. Not NM. My FIL came to visit yesterday while he was on this side of town and he mentioned to me that he'd been out getting the mail the other day when who should happen to drive by their house but NM! FIL said he waved but figured NM must not have seen him because she just looked straight ahead and drove on by.
Now, I happen to know for a fact that NM has ZERO reason to drive down their street. She doesn't know anyone who lives there and it's not on her way to anywhere she'd be going. There is another street about a block down that intersects my IL's street that NM occasionally uses when she goes to visit NHS and BIL but, if she were coming or going from there, there still wouldn't be any reason to turn down my IL's street which tells me that NM drove by with the sole intention of spying. I'm sure she saw FIL long before he noticed her and figured she show him by just driving by and refusing to acknowledge him, as if her ignoring him is some kind of rejection or punishment. LOL
I have to say, it saddened me a bit to hear about this situation because it reconfirmed what I guess I already knew - that even 8 months later, NM hasn't changed a bit and never will. I've realized that, while I wasn't conscious of it at the time, I think I had hoped somewhat that the act of going NC this long would have been a major shakeup to NM and would cause her to wake up and finally "get it". I didn't expect some miraculous complete cure but I guess I thought that maybe it would change her just enough that I could go back to having a relationship with her that was bearable. However, it's becoming clearer all the time that that isn't going to happen.
I wonder if I'll ever speak to my NM again. Will we live out the rest of our lives, never seeing or speaking to one another ever again? The thought of that just makes me very sad. Not enough to break NC at this point but I still mourn what might have been.
About Me
- DisturbedAngel
- I am 38 years old, married to a wonderful, loving man and the proud stay-at-home mama to a beautiful little boy. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and abusive stepfather. My half sister has always been the golden child and I, the family scapegoat who can never seem to measure up. After years of bending over backward to try and have a good relationship with my half sister, I finally severed contact in March of 2009. Then, in January of 2010, I also severed all contact with my narcissistic mother. (Updated to add that as of May 2011, I've also cut ties with my narcissistic father and stepmother as well.) Currently, I am back in contact with my NM in a limited capacity. Walking away from all that toxicity was a LONG time coming but I can't believe how much better I feel because of it. This diary is intended primarily to be a log of my journey toward healing from the abuses I've endured. I hope it will also become a place where others who've been cast as the family scapegoat or who've been the victims of a narcissist's abuse can find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.
Totally okay to be sad - you're human! It's a good sign and a natural reaction.
ReplyDeleteI can relate so much to what you've written, even the bit about the N. ignoring someone who's waving at them, and the N. seeing this as punishment. LOL.
I can tell you that the first year is the hardest. You can expect periods of sadness and nostalgia. Of course you're going to miss those conversations, that's understandable. But you've seen now that those conversations don't offset the crap that the N puts you through.
After the first year it gets much, much better. It could take longer but the point is: there's a continuum and it'll get better day by day, month by month.
Besides, you can find other people who will want to have fun conversations with you *and* won't crap all over you. I don't want to make light of this significant loss, but you will get through it.
Hooray!
I too get sad when I watch a movie or am in a store and I know my NM would enjoy it and I think about how too bad that we are both alive and within a few hours drive. And like you, I have a child/children who start new schools, play sports, do well in school, etc. and she sees nothing of this (and unfortunately for her she chooses to speak about herself when she talks to them on the phone rather than getting to know what they are into).
ReplyDeleteBut it is because of the horrible things she says and of course the whole NM thing that it was never a mutually beneficial relationship. I was NC with mine for only 6 months. I am struggling with how every summer she calls wanting my kids to visit with her. I really wish we would be NC because how she has popped in again has ruined my whole weekend and I am constantly having to deal with her emails. I need to tell her to forget it. But we have to occasionally communicate about my grandmother. Oy!
Hey there. I've been popping in on your blog from time to time and finally I've decided to comment because of something in particular you said...
ReplyDeleteI also kind of thought that NC with my NM would 'shake her up.' I thought that perhaps she would REALLY reflect this time, and take me seriously when I tell her that she hurts me with the things she does. I believed that after a time she would be forced to stop plugging her ears and stomping her feet and LISTEN to what her daughter had to say.
It's been extremely painful these last 9 months - at first because I agonized over my decision. And now because I finally 'get it' - she will never come to see anything frm my point of view. I truly do not mean enough to her for her to even consider apologizing. And I also felt the pain of one stupid attempt on my part to open the conversation again. That's when she gave me the blind side and hurt me all over again. Not a smidgeon of happiness to hear from me.
Anyway I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. {HUG}