I can't believe it's been 8 months already. Doesn't seem like it's been that long. Crazy how the time flies.
So much has changed too. I feel....lighter, freer...less burdened down with frustration and stress. I'm not depressed like I was, though I didn't even realize I WAS depressed at that time. My anxiety levels are way down. My physical health has improved greatly. I'm sleeping better, despite occasional bouts of insomnia. I'm happier. I smile more. I feel more confident and self-assured. My mood isn't so stormy, especially with regard to my dh and ds. And for the first time in a long time, maybe ever, I think I finally know what is it to feel relaxed and content.
On the downside, there's still a part of me that misses my mom. So many times, certain times more so than others, I'd like to just be able to pick up a phone and call her and just chat about the small stuff - what's been going on with her, how's her jewelry business going, tell her how my dog is doing, what I've been up to, how ds is doing, tell her that ds lost two teeth already and has started preschool, etc. I miss those rare good moments we had, just sitting and talking or going antique shopping together.
The thing is, for us to ever have any kind of relationship again, NM would have to be willing to change her old, toxic behaviors. At the very, very least, she'd have to back off when I put my foot down and asked her to stop saying or doing something that violated one of my boundaries. But, at least in the past, any attempts to put my foot down - no matter how politely or respectfully it's done - has been seen as a challenge to NM which she then goes out of her way to violate in an effort to put me in my place and show me who's boss.
NM has always been a "taker" in relationships which, in and of itself wouldn't be so bad necessarily provided she also GAVE a little in return. But NM doesn't give anything to anyone except herself and, at least in my opinion, a relationship - at least one with any hope of working - MUST be give and take from both parties. Otherwise, it's a lot like paddling on only one side of the boat - you just go in circles and never get anywhere!
It's been 8 months of no contact from me. Half that time would be more than enough to make most people stop and think and usually rethink a few things and maybe make some changes. Not NM. My FIL came to visit yesterday while he was on this side of town and he mentioned to me that he'd been out getting the mail the other day when who should happen to drive by their house but NM! FIL said he waved but figured NM must not have seen him because she just looked straight ahead and drove on by.
Now, I happen to know for a fact that NM has ZERO reason to drive down their street. She doesn't know anyone who lives there and it's not on her way to anywhere she'd be going. There is another street about a block down that intersects my IL's street that NM occasionally uses when she goes to visit NHS and BIL but, if she were coming or going from there, there still wouldn't be any reason to turn down my IL's street which tells me that NM drove by with the sole intention of spying. I'm sure she saw FIL long before he noticed her and figured she show him by just driving by and refusing to acknowledge him, as if her ignoring him is some kind of rejection or punishment. LOL
I have to say, it saddened me a bit to hear about this situation because it reconfirmed what I guess I already knew - that even 8 months later, NM hasn't changed a bit and never will. I've realized that, while I wasn't conscious of it at the time, I think I had hoped somewhat that the act of going NC this long would have been a major shakeup to NM and would cause her to wake up and finally "get it". I didn't expect some miraculous complete cure but I guess I thought that maybe it would change her just enough that I could go back to having a relationship with her that was bearable. However, it's becoming clearer all the time that that isn't going to happen.
I wonder if I'll ever speak to my NM again. Will we live out the rest of our lives, never seeing or speaking to one another ever again? The thought of that just makes me very sad. Not enough to break NC at this point but I still mourn what might have been.