Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Feeling down...

No word whatsoever from NSM yet in regards to dh's bday this past Sunday. No phone call, no message on FB, no card, nothing. NSM is rather famous for sending cards and things late however so it still remains to be seen. Dh's and my 10th wedding anniversary is tomorrow. Perhaps NSM is waiting to take care of both at once?

Whatever the case, I find myself feeling rather disappointed that NSM and my dad didn't acknowledge dh's bday. I have said on here how I strongly expected them to acknowledge dh's bday and, after not really acknowledging mine, that I planned on possibly going NC when that happened. Now that dh's bday has passed and there's no acknowledgment from my dad and NSM, I feel almost let down.

I've felt a lot of anger toward them lately what with having memories surface and then finding out other bad things about them (or having them validated as true) and I guess I was sort of looking for a valid reason to voice my upsets? With them not acknowledging dh's bday, I sort of feel like I have no reason to bring anything up lest I be seen as "over-reacting" or whatever for bringing it up seemingly out of the blue.

Also having to do with dh's bday, I don't remember if I mentioned it on here but, when my bday came back in July, I felt largely unnoticed by everyone. Dh and ds were great, they got me cards and ds drew me a picture for my bday which was super nice but that was about where it ended. MIL wrote a stupid "Happy Birthday!" on my FB wall but did nothing else. Of course I heard nothing from NM this year and my dad and NSM gave me a quick phone call on their way somewhere else but that was it - no cards, no gifts, etc.

I guess it hit me harder this year because of being NC with my NM (and my extended FOO because of NM and NHS' lies about me). I was missing being able to share my bday with my family. (Apparently MIL and FIL had decided not to celebrate bdays anymore, which would have been fine but I felt they could have said something so that I wasn't left wondering WTH, ya know?) And then no card or gift from my dad and NSM for the first time ever since reconnecting with them approximately seven years ago. Anyway, you get the picture - I felt uncared about and largely dismissed by everyone (not including dh and ds) on what should have been a special day.

Forward to this past Sunday - dh's bday (and also my SIL's bday). Dh and ds went over to my IL's - ds to visit with my IL's and dh to watch the football game with his dad. I would have gone along but my stomach wasn't feeling that well that day so I stayed home and worked on some small things around the house. When dh came home later that day, I asked him if he ever got the bday card he was hoping for since he'd made a comment that he was hoping for at least that from his mom for his bday. Dh said, "No. But my mom DID get me a balloon. She got one for (SIL's name) too."

At that point I was like WTF??? I got a stupid message on my FB wall that said only "Happy Birthday" - which, don't get me wrong, was nice and all - but no acknowledgment beyond that, not even a quick "Happy Birthday" when we spoke later that day or the next, yet dh and SIL got balloons??

I feel rather stupid (okay, a LOT stupid) for being jealous of what was very likely two $1 balloons from the local dollar store but that's how I feel - unimportant, uncared for and dismissed. Again. I'm coming to realize that this is a very large theme in my life (and with good reason, too) and something I'm very sensitive to and about. Part of me says I have nothing to be jealous about, that it was just a stupid $1 balloon and it doesn't mean MIL cares about me any less than dh and SIL..............and yet....................there is also a part of me (maybe that little girl inside) who is saying, "Where's MY balloon?? Where was MY attention and acknowledgment on MY special day???"

Obviously it's just because I've been hurt so many times in this regard but I can't help but feel like everyone seems to go out of their way to let me know how little I mean to them. It just seems terribly unfair, like everyone else gets acknowledged except ME. Needless to say, it does not feel good.


  1. I'm so sorry. The same thing happened to me this year. It's quite a disappointing feeling. Next year, I'm doing something for myself. Take care of you!


    Oh, and not that this will really help, but happy belated birthday.

  2. Oh man, I'm so sorry you're feeling angry, sad and let down. It's OK to feel angry about this, your feelings aren't stupid.

    I wish I could give you... wait a second... (rumages around)

    Ta DA!

    I don't know, maybe next year plan a big birthday bash for yourself and buy the balloons, or whatever else you crave, even if it's silly like a party hat, streamers and a big sheet cake (actually, cake isn't silly at all), rent some of your favorite movies or go out to a special restaurant?

    Sometimes there's no solution better than writing a blog post about it.

  3. I'm sorry that this happened, DA. It's a shitty feeling, regardless of how much we try to prevent the feelings from overwhelming us. *Hug*

    I suggest buying a very large Dairy Queen ice cream cake and drowning the sorrows. If you need help with the cake, I'll be there. :)

  4. I am sorry that happened. But I hope you and DH have a wonderful happy anniversary!
    My NM did nothing for my bday a few months ago but then she mentions hers recently. And she has never -- maybe once? in 22 yrs of marriage acknowledged my DH's b-day.