Today ds started preschool. He was very excited and has been looking forward to today for a couple of weeks now. I woke him up at 8:00am, got him some breakfast and then we both got ready to leave. His nana came to see him off as well (and to let us use her car since we only own one and dh needs it for work). We left the house at 8:45am and arrived at his school ten minutes later. He went straight in, walked right to his classroom and in he went without a care in the world. He was kind enough to humor his nana and I for some goodbye hugs and kisses. Overall, he looked a tiny bit unsure but seemed excited to begin this new adventure.
It struck me, as I watched him today, just how different he is from me when I was his age. I don't remember if I cried or not on my first day of school but I remember feeling very panicky to be separated from my NM. I was nervous, painfully shy and would much rather have been home than at school any ole day. Because I was so inept socially, I did not make friends easily and, unfortunately, was also the target of many a school bully. From kindergarten through my senior year of high school, my school experience was hellish. I HATED school.
Ds on the other hand, seems so sure of himself, so independent. It's bittersweet, of course, because while I'm glad he's independent, it also stings just a little bit that he doesn't need me as much as he used to. He's a bit reserved but, once someone talks to him, he's quite friendly and seems to make friends easily. I think that school for him is going to be a wonderful experience. Years from now, I think he'll look back with fondness on his school days. At least that is my hope for him.
I'm sitting here at home right now trying hard not to cry. LOL I'm happy that my baby is growing up and away from me and yet, it's a bit sad too. He's been my bestest buddy and sidekick for four years now....until today and I must admit, I miss him. I don't know if he's just a good kid or if my feelings for him have more to do with my own past but, truth be told, I ENJOY spending time with my ds. I hear other parents say how much they cherish their time away from their kids - not me. I know it's an essential part of him growing up and so I make sure he gets to go to his nana and papa's on the weekend all day Saturday (and sometimes Sundays too!) and that he goes to school but I still don't like it and miss him terribly when he's away from me.
It's times like these that I wish I had a mother I could call up and share how I'm feeling. I wish I could reveal my sadness at my ds growing up and she would say, "Yes. I remember those days too. Like you, I was also sad and felt like crying a little but, don't worry, it gets a little easier." She'd comfort and reassure me and then would switch the subject so I'd get distracted and not focus on my sadness. Maybe she'd even come over to keep me company so I wouldn't have to sit here alone, counting down the minutes until I can pick my baby up from school.
Days like these, I sure do miss having a mom. :(
About Me
- DisturbedAngel
- I am 38 years old, married to a wonderful, loving man and the proud stay-at-home mama to a beautiful little boy. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and abusive stepfather. My half sister has always been the golden child and I, the family scapegoat who can never seem to measure up. After years of bending over backward to try and have a good relationship with my half sister, I finally severed contact in March of 2009. Then, in January of 2010, I also severed all contact with my narcissistic mother. (Updated to add that as of May 2011, I've also cut ties with my narcissistic father and stepmother as well.) Currently, I am back in contact with my NM in a limited capacity. Walking away from all that toxicity was a LONG time coming but I can't believe how much better I feel because of it. This diary is intended primarily to be a log of my journey toward healing from the abuses I've endured. I hope it will also become a place where others who've been cast as the family scapegoat or who've been the victims of a narcissist's abuse can find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.
DA, I feel your sorrow.
ReplyDeleteWhen we dropped my daughter off to college I cried all the way home. I had zero support from my NM. In fact, I didn't even really talk to her about it because I knew I would get no empathy or support. After all, she was HAPPY when my sister and I left home. No big deal. I was blessed to have my mother-in-law to talk to. She understood and talked about how she felt during that time and gave me lots of validation and support.
My mother-in-law passed away 1 1/2 years ago. I sure miss her.
Know that you have the love and support from all your SIS's out here. I know it's not the same as having a supportive, loving mom. That is the void we live with. You are not alone.
Hugs!
DA -
ReplyDeleteMy daughter starts preschool tomorrow, and I'll probably be a little misty-eyed watching her in the classroom. In order to make the transition easier for both the parent and the child, our school allows the parent to stay in the classroom with the child the first day. One can only guess who this benefits more. *Wink*
I do enjoy the time with my children, as well as the time away. Alone time makes together time that much more rewarding, and vice-versa. And I feel very good about my parenting knowing that my child doesn't have any hangups about school - and you should, too! The thing that really made my heart swell was when grandma asked her about her first day of school and my daughter replied, "My dad is taking me, 'cause he's the best."
You're doing alright, DA, and I'm sorry that you don't have a mom to share your stories with. We're (you're blog readers) not an equal surrogate by any means, but I'm glad that you have us to share with. We are a community in a way, and I know I'm glad to have you all sharing in my life right now.