Well, dh's birthday and our anniversary have come and gone and no word from anyone, including my NSM and NF. Not really sure what to make of the whole situation. Has NSM found me online and read my posts here or on the DoNM board I frequent? Why no cards this year when, every year previous, there's been cards and, usually, a gift as well? Is she pissed about something and so purposely didn't acknowledge me because of it? If so, what could she possibly be upset with me about? I just get so tired of these constant games and don't understand why people can't just say what they're feeling instead of playing stupid games.
I can't remember if I mentioned it on here or not but my cousin - that would be my aunt N's youngest dd - got married on the 18th of September. I found out earlier on that my NM and NHS would be there. After hearing that, I couldn't help but obsess a bit that my entire N FOO would be there at my aunt's and, at some point, would certainly get together and the conversation would inevitably turn to what a wretched person I am, etc. Far be it from NM and NHS to pass up on a perfect opportunity to play victim of big, bad me. Despite trying hard to refocus my mind elsewhere, I kept drifting back to, 'I know they are up there talking about me.' It was driving me a bit nuts.
I talked with dh about what I was feeling and he said to me, "You're egocentric." I interrupted him at that point and said, "Wait just a minute there..!!" At which point HE interrupted ME and said, "Wait. You don't understand what I'm trying to say. Let me finish. You think they're all going up to your aunt N's to get together and gossip about you but you still don't get it. The truth is that THEY DON'T CARE ENOUGH ABOUT YOU TO TALK ABOUT YOU AT ALL." (He was speaking about the extended N FOO here mostly.) I should add that he truly wasn't trying to be hurtful or unkind. His tone was gentle and sympathetic. Still, my mind and body rejected what he was saying and I continued to argue that I knew my N FOO better than he did and they most definitely WERE going to take the opportunity and gossip about me.
However, after I calmed down a bit and really thought about it, I had a bit of a "lightbulb moment" - perhaps the reason I clung to the idea that they were up there badmouthing me so strongly is because it was easier to accept they hated me so strongly rather than accept the alternative which is that they don't care about me AT ALL.
WOW. Talk about a real eye opener, huh? I gotta say, that one stung a bit. I think there's still a part of me holding out though. That last grain of hope is a hard one to let go of, isn't it?
Anyways, despite that hard bit of truth hitting home, I couldn't help myself and asked my aunt N at the first opportunity whether or not I had come up in discussion. Aunt N said that I had not. Apparently, the night of the rehearsal, my NGM tripped over my cousin's puppy when it darted in front of her and fell, shattering her knee cap and cutting open her scalp pretty badly. Several of them took NGM to the ER and spent several hours there, first waiting forever and then as they got her patched up and gave her some pain meds. Then they had to get her back home and settled in, etc. At that point it was late and everyone went to bed to prepare for the wedding the next day. Since NGM was injured, she couldn't attend the wedding and NM and NSJ stayed behind at the hotel with her to care for her while everyone else went to the wedding.
I can't help but feel that the main reason I didn't come up was because the opportunity never got a chance to present itself. Had NGM not been injured and they'd all had a chance to just sit around and talk and hang out, I feel certain I would have come up at SOME point. But then, maybe that's just that last damned speck of hope talking.
The upside to NGM getting hurt is that, since she's in a fair bit of pain and will very likely require surgery soon, she couldn't be left alone as she normally would have so NM is up there - a 9 hour drive away - taking care of her for the time being. Who knows how long NM will have to be up there? In the meantime, I can't help but feel a certain freedom in knowing I can safely venture out without fear of running into NM anywhere. SO nice!
Also heard from aunt N that apparently NHS and BIL and their kids had to leave the wedding early on because my nephew threw up. As aunt N was saying goodbye, NHS made a comment to the effect of, "Oh, dn's not sick. He does this all the time for attention." !!!!! Now, supposing that what NHS said is true, wouldn't that signal to you that something is clearly wrong with your child? I know if it were me, I'd be taking ds to the doctor ASAP and if they didn't find anything, he'd be booked with a child psychologist the next day. Kids don't just make themselves throw up for attention unless something is very wrong. But, of course, in true N style, NHS and BIL look at dn with contempt instead of concern. Where they should be looking at him lovingly, they instead roll their eyes. Obviously, I see the same pattern I lived being played out all over again with dn clearly having been placed into the role of the family scapegoat. I so wish there was something I could do but I see nothing, no options. I don't even know their phone number or email addresses. NBIL changes jobs so often, who knows where he works anymore? And given that there are so many other, worse off children in need of help, I doubt Child Protective Services would give them the time of day anyhow. So sad.
About Me
- DisturbedAngel
- I am 38 years old, married to a wonderful, loving man and the proud stay-at-home mama to a beautiful little boy. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and abusive stepfather. My half sister has always been the golden child and I, the family scapegoat who can never seem to measure up. After years of bending over backward to try and have a good relationship with my half sister, I finally severed contact in March of 2009. Then, in January of 2010, I also severed all contact with my narcissistic mother. (Updated to add that as of May 2011, I've also cut ties with my narcissistic father and stepmother as well.) Currently, I am back in contact with my NM in a limited capacity. Walking away from all that toxicity was a LONG time coming but I can't believe how much better I feel because of it. This diary is intended primarily to be a log of my journey toward healing from the abuses I've endured. I hope it will also become a place where others who've been cast as the family scapegoat or who've been the victims of a narcissist's abuse can find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.
God, that's sad about your nephew -- that's an appalling reaction to a child throwing up.
ReplyDeleteRe: the rest of your post, a couple of thoughts. It's great that you have your partner as a sounding-board. Someone who's out of the FOO system can bring a different perspective to the table and that's often very helpful.
Re: your partner pointing out that they (the Ns) simply don't care enough about you to gossip behind your back. I sort of feel two ways about this: one, the Ns love to spin their yarn to whoever will listen, especially if they think they can pull off the "pity me" routine. So this makes it very believable that they would gossip about us at social gatherings.
Also: it's our nightmare (well it is mine, or was) that our Ns will trash talk us to everyone we mutually know. And I know how convincing my Ns can be. And this makes me shudder. So if you're anything like me I think we're talking about a FEAR taking hold of yourself. Sometimes this can make it seem more real, or more likely to happen.
But I think there's another thing going on here: we're so used to thinking about the N, we have no idea that they think of US very little, if at all. We just assume they do. So it seems incredible to us that they wouldn't.