In speaking with NSM the other day, she mentioned that she'd spoken with my HB. Apparently, he and his gf have moved in together and my NSM and NEF are extremely upset about it. LOL Actually, to say they are merely "upset" is a major understatement. More like they are LIVID about it.
According to NSM, she and HB got into it over the phone because she told him that the recent money they gave him to help with his rent would be the last time they ever helped him out financially as they "strongly disapprove of him living in sin" with his gf. *roll eyes* Now, I'm not saying they aren't entitled to their beliefs. If they feel that it's wrong to live together before marriage, that's their perogative. The problem I have is in the manner in which they've chosen to handle the whole thing. Basically, they are saying, "Unless you choose to conduct your life in the manner WE approve of, no more money." So as long as he plays the part of a good little doormat, allowing mommy and daddy to call all the shots, they will continue throwing money at him. But dare speak up or attempt to make his own decisions and have his own opinions and no more money. Talk about N bullshit!
My other, even bigger, problem that I have with the way they've chosen to handle it is that their own relationship began as an affair while my NEF was still married to my NM. Not only that but their entire life together since then has been filled with lies, theft, bigotry, neglecting to properly care for their children (mainly me, who they abandoned years ago), skipping out on debts, etc.
I was doing a bit of fooling around online the other day. Occasionally I'll type in my name or the name of someone I know and just see what comes up. For no particular reason, I typed in my dad's name and hit paydirt. Several court dockets came up for three different counties in their home state. Most of them involved my NSM and/or NEF being sued for not paying their debts, one of which was for a total of over $29,000!! There was also a couple of bankruptcy cases, one of which involved the foreclosure of their house in X city, a house my NEF and NSM still maintain they SOLD when it was clearly foreclosed on. In EVERY SINGLE CASE, my NSM and NEF made themselves scarce so that legal papers couldn't be served to them. They skipped out on accepting responsibility for what they'd done and yet they feel it's appropriate to go pointing fingers at everyone else's sins? Puh-leez!
These people have skipped out on thousands of dollars worth of debt, have lied about multiple things, began their relationship as an affair, abused their children and beat my dog repeatedly, my dad stole money from his own brother's business and also equipment from the fire department he used to work for, abandoned me for over 15 years......I could go on and on and on, I'm sure, and these same people, this man who (so I've heard) refused to serve the Holy Communion to his BLACK congregation without wearing latex surgical gloves, THESE people want to go pointing fingers and judging other people??!! WTFH??!
I so wish I could talk to my HB. If I could, I would say to him, "Good for you! Good for you for taking a stand and deciding to live your own life and make your own choices and not allowing them to control your life anymore through their money!" Sadly, my HB wants nothing to do with me as he's been told most of his 27 or so years what a horrible person/sister I was/am, how I wanted nothing to do with them, etc. NSM and NEF, these self-proclaimed "good Christian people" with their damned LIES!
They make me sick.
About Me
- DisturbedAngel
- I am 38 years old, married to a wonderful, loving man and the proud stay-at-home mama to a beautiful little boy. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and abusive stepfather. My half sister has always been the golden child and I, the family scapegoat who can never seem to measure up. After years of bending over backward to try and have a good relationship with my half sister, I finally severed contact in March of 2009. Then, in January of 2010, I also severed all contact with my narcissistic mother. (Updated to add that as of May 2011, I've also cut ties with my narcissistic father and stepmother as well.) Currently, I am back in contact with my NM in a limited capacity. Walking away from all that toxicity was a LONG time coming but I can't believe how much better I feel because of it. This diary is intended primarily to be a log of my journey toward healing from the abuses I've endured. I hope it will also become a place where others who've been cast as the family scapegoat or who've been the victims of a narcissist's abuse can find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.
I hope your sibling stands the ground on this and can break free from the insanity. Ns love to manipulate with money. I don't stand by that, but they do manage to harness people in with this type of lure. I was portrayed as someone that only did things for the "will" and many other horrible accusations -- all NOT TRUE. But it is part of the Ns character assasination plot. Truly evil and unacceptable.
ReplyDeleteI am tired of the lying and the game playing myself. I think the N in my life had worked on my sibling for years and years and now sib is "under the influence". We are grown now and have no real relationship. I think of all of the times I would stop in to sib's workplace and offer to take sib to lunch or coffee -- all turned down. I would love to have a genuine, reciprocal relationship with my sibling and their family but it takes TWO, and it takes time and some effort. I really believe this will never happen. Relationships are cultivated over time, experiences and trust. The N has done the damage, but at some point I truly believe that everyone has a mind of their own. If my sib chooses to believe lies, mistruths or whisperings then my sib is a fool and frankly I don't need that kind of pain in my life. I've had my quota.
I would say the thing that sucks the most is the feeling like you are no longer important in these family member's eyes. True family relationships share information about happy things and celebrate each other's accomplishments. True family relationships bear one another's burdens and stand beside in support. Real relationships are not jealous, paranoid or back-stabbing, or triangulating.
And yes, many of these types of folks stand behind the religious purity banner.
I'm sorry you are experiencing this. I know it is hard.
@ Justice - My goodness but I could have written your post myself! Not so much the part about my motivations being "the will" but the parts about N's working on our siblings and having no relationship with our siblings, I can totally relate to that. I have three half siblings - a N half sis (NHS) from my NM and NSJ and a HS and HB from my NEF and NSM. I am NC for a year and a half now with my NHS and have been NC for over 20 years with my HB due to my NSM and NEF poisoning him against me. We never even had a chance to have a relationship. Though, admittedly, that hurts a lot worse than the situation with NHS, who I was raised with and bent over backward for YEARS trying to be good enough for, including buying gifts and making myself accessible to her 24-7 for "tragedies", babysitting, or whatever. To be given a chance (true, not REALLY but so it seemed) to have a relationship with her and then so cruelly and coldly rejected in the end was very hard indeed.
ReplyDeleteThe only sibling I speak with is my HS (NEF and NSM's dd). We seem to get along pretty well, though I wouldn't say we're CLOSE exactly. After so much time apart, we've started talking again but she's basically a single mom all week as her live-in bf works out of town. Add to that a full time job of her own and an older home that she is trying to renovate in whatever minimal spare time she has and you wind up with not much time to chat. But she emails or calls me when she can and I'm glad for that.
I think it's especially hard for me being rejected by siblings. It's one thing when it's your P's. I guess it's sort of expected to be against one's P's at some point in one's life but I also expected to have a close bond with my siblings, you know? So to have one reject me so coldly, to the point of telling others that she fears for the safety and well-being of them and their families should they continue talking to me, and have another who doesn't even want the chance to get to know me, that really hurts a lot.
But, you're also right when you say that, at some point, everyone has a mind of their own. So while I can blame my NEF and NSM to a point, the fact that my HB is now 27(ish), he also bears much of the burden. Especially since he claims to know, from what I've heard from others, that my NEF and NSM are hypocrites and not the best examples of good people. As my HS puts it, "He knows how mom and dad are, the sort of people they are. They're hypocrites and liars. So he should be wiling to give you a chance and not put all the blame on you."
I don't know, I think it's better to detach from siblings especially if they're on chummy terms with Narcissists and their enablers. They're just too caught up in the family bullshit machine and don't want to engage in thinking critically about power and abuse.
ReplyDeleteI know it's hard to detach but it's soooooo much better for you. Besides, you can find other people who are much nicer, and treat you with respect.
And I wonder how good it is for you to frame it as "I've been rejected by my siblings". Boy would I love for you to stop framing it that way. How about:
- My siblings are limited people who can't break away from the family dynamic.
- My siblings are too afraid to embrace me as my N parents have created an "us-or-them" lose-lose situation.
- I don't have much in common with my siblings, we stay in touch but that's all. And that's OK.
- My siblings and I maintain distant relationships.
Lots of siblings don't keep in touch once they reach adulthood, even in healthy families.