As I've shared here with you all, my dh's birthday was this past Sunday and our 10th wedding anniversary was yesterday. I also mentioned how my FOO didn't acknowledge my bday when it came back in July and am mentioning now that they didn't acknowledge my anniversary this year (they have in years past) either....at least not to me.
Dh doesn't check his FB very often but got around to it yesterday and said that he had not one but two messages on his FB wall from my uncle C, one for his bday and one for our anniversary. The bday one reads, "Happy Birthday from all the Smiths" (name changed for privacy reasons) and the anniversary one read simply, "Happy Anniversary (dh's name)".
Now, perhaps I'm being "too sensitive" here but it seems pretty insulting to me that my uncle found time in his precious, super busy schedule to wish my dh a happy bday and anniversary and yet couldn't find it in himself to send a 99 cent card or email to ME, his own niece. As far as I'm concerned, this is just one more example of my N FOO going out of their way to show me how little they think of/care about me.
I'm so sick of these twisted little games they play! You don't like me? Nothing I do (or have ever done) is ever good enough for you? FINE. Then go on with your lives and leave me AND MY HUSBAND the hell alone! Don't sit there on your high horses, looking down your stuck up noses at me when all I've ever done is bend over backward and make myself physically and mentally/emotionally ILL trying to be good enough for all you people so that you'd finally love and accept me and include me in your precious "family"!
Lest anyone be confused by the situation, yes, I unfriended my extended FOO on FB shortly after going NC with my NM. I did so because I was sick of either being completely ignored by all of them and/or receiving nothing but snarky, P/A comments to things I posted. But at no point did I go NC with any of them. My email address is the same and remains unblocked to all of them and the same goes for my phone number and home address. At any time, did any of them WANT to, they could get in contact with me.
According to my aunt N - the only one who is still in contact with me - extended FOO has stated that they "don't want to get involved" in the situation between my NM and I and that, should I reach out and contact them, they won't ignore me. The thing is, they HAVE gotten involve by way of choosing sides and the side they've chosen is NM's. Dh has seen things on FB by them and I have heard things through the grapevine to the effect of them all stating that *I* need to work harder to make things right with my NM. Furthermore, I have sent out a couple of emails containing pics of ds recently and I didn't get a single response from any of them save for, once again, aunt N who, according to her, has taken some major heat from the rest of the FOO for continuing to talk to me. Aunt N won't give me specifics as she doesn't want to hurt my feelings but the basic gist is that I am the enemy and aunt N is betraying the family by talking to me and not siding with NM solely. Aunt N's position is that *I* am also family and that she loves NM AND me and, thus, refuses to choose sides.
This whole situation is so freaking STUPID and unnecessary! You know, we should have families who love and support us unconditionally. Families who love us just because we are who we are and not because of what we do/can do for them. We should be able to know we can count on them to be there for us in good times and bad. Sadly, that isn't the case at all for many of us. It's just so bloody unfair.
About Me
- DisturbedAngel
- I am 38 years old, married to a wonderful, loving man and the proud stay-at-home mama to a beautiful little boy. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and abusive stepfather. My half sister has always been the golden child and I, the family scapegoat who can never seem to measure up. After years of bending over backward to try and have a good relationship with my half sister, I finally severed contact in March of 2009. Then, in January of 2010, I also severed all contact with my narcissistic mother. (Updated to add that as of May 2011, I've also cut ties with my narcissistic father and stepmother as well.) Currently, I am back in contact with my NM in a limited capacity. Walking away from all that toxicity was a LONG time coming but I can't believe how much better I feel because of it. This diary is intended primarily to be a log of my journey toward healing from the abuses I've endured. I hope it will also become a place where others who've been cast as the family scapegoat or who've been the victims of a narcissist's abuse can find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.
Whenever a member of the family says that they "don't want to get involved" it usually means that they already are involved and have taken the other person's side. Usually it's because the other person is pushy, controlling, and manipulative and pressures the rest of the family to take their side. They manage to manipulate the rest of the family into actually believing all of the rotten things they are telling them about you.
ReplyDeleteThe rest of the family doesn't want to "betray the family" as they feel your Aunt has done because she continues to talk to you. Instead, they fall prey to your NM's manipulations and carry out her "orders". They openly and intentionally "support" your husband which, in their eyes, subtly makes him part of their little "group" or "clique". This is meant to give you a feeling of complete isolation and make it all about you - they want to make you feel like everything is all your fault by creating a visible and clear "division" between you and your DH.
It's all a deliberate game DA. They are immature. Soon they will grow bored of your not reacting, and they will stop being passive. Then the really crazy shit will start to happen. At least you know who is real and who isn't. Hang in there - I know it is the most frustrating thing in the world to be blamed for everything by your whole family, but stay strong and keep doing what is best for you. Pay no attention to the little bastard behind the curtain. *Hugs*
I feel your sorrow and frustration. My FOO has done almost exactly the same thing to me. Just had birthdays in my family recently also.
ReplyDeleteMy NM is a master at abandonment and the cold, long silent treatment.
I agree 100% with Raven. They do play games and isolation is their favorite. It's their way of passively punishing you.
Stay strong.
I really understand your dilemma with your FOO. had to go NC with my ENTIRE FOO because I couldn't bear the vicious backbiting and slander on 'beloved' NM's behalf. I just couldn't stand it anymore and decided that starting again in life without a birth family was my only option. I still sometimes see pictures of them or hear about them and it hurts to know they have moved on and only feel anger and spite towards me after everything I tried to do for them. Sad but at least it's OVER. Nice to read your blog!
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