Saw a post on the DoNM board today from a woman who just discovered her NM had died suddenly and unexpectedly. She expressed that she doesn't feel much in the way of sadness beyond what she might feel for a neighbor who had died. Several of the other DoNM's stated that they either felt only relief when their NM's died or that they thought that's all they would feel when the time came. I'm hesitant to post a response because apparently I'm the only one who feels differently.
Naturally when something like this is posted, it makes you start to think about your own situation. I thought about how I'd feel if I received a call today or tomorrow and found out that my NM had died and the honest answer is that I'd be devastated. Well, perhaps devastated is a bit too strong a word but I'd certainly be extremely upset and saddened. I guess I just feel like, while NM is still alive out there somewhere, there's still a tiny bit of hope that we could be in each other's lives again. Not that I expect NM will suddenly wake up and become the mother I've always wanted mind you, more that I feel it's possible I could reach a point in my healing where I could handle having NM in my life, albeit in a limited capacity, and still maintain a healthy emotional balance. While she's still around, that's a possibility but once she's gone, that's all over.
I don't know, maybe those other DoNM's are further along in the healing process than I am and no longer have any hope about their situation with their NM's. Maybe some of them are in denial about how they'd really feel. Whatever the case, I just know that I'd be really, really sad to hear my NM had died and I think a part of me would question my decision to go NC - Was I right? Was she really that toxic? Was NC a mistake? Was it worth it? These and other questions would plague me along with the devastating loss of that final grain of hope.
Of course I also can't help but feel less than my DoNM sisters who wouldn't be saddened by the loss of their NM's. I feel like I, too, should be relieved at the thought of my NM passing. And yet, a few days shy of the one year anniversary of my going NC, a large part of me misses her. What I probably miss most is the idea of a mother but there were also a few good times shared with her, like going antiquing, and my heart aches and years for more of those moments.
It all just seems such a waste. She's missing out on me and the goings on in my life. She's missing out on seeing her grandson grow up, on his experiences like his first day of preschool or even just seeing him smile. In an entire year's worth of time she has sent ds maybe 4 or 5 cards, some attached to inexpensive gifts and hasn't attempted to contact me at all aside from her one cryptic message of "NM's name says hello" sent through the receptionist at my chiropractor's office. This woman who always told me that all she wanted was to be a mother to two girls hasn't tried to contact me at all, even if only to be able to visit with her grandson and all because it's more important for her to be right than it is to have us in her life. How many more years is she willing to let pass? Two? Ten?? How many more memories and experiences is she willing to miss out on just to be right?
I just wish so much that there was a way to get through to her. I don't even need the ideal mother anymore. I'd happily settle for NM being begrudgingly nice and slightly sour tempered. So long as 50% of contact with her didn't result in hurtful criticism and abusive behavior, that would be enough for me. It seems so simple, so attainable and yet..........deep inside, there's a part of me that knows this will never happen. My mother is sick, damaged, broken and beyond repair and because of this, there is a deep sadness inside of me that I fear may never completely heal.