Sunday, January 9, 2011

Some updates and an anniversary...

Well now, let's see...what's been going on with me?

Day before yesterday, I spent most of the day calling up various therapists to try and find one who:

a) does CBT or "cognitive behavioral therapy" to help me with my anxiety and panic disorder
b) I feel I "click with" and...
c) whose price per hour wouldn't add up to another house payment each month to see.

After a long day of interviewing various therapists, I think I've finally found one who fits the bill. I have to wait for my tax refund to come back before I go see him though so it won't be until the end of February until I actually go. Still, it feels good to know I've taken a step in the right direction.

As a way to try and speed up the "getting to know you" portion of the therapy process, I had decided I'd make up some background notes and mail them to the new T along with copies of the notes from my other two previous T's. I figured it would help him get to know me and help us figure out what we need to talk about that will help me heal while at the same time weeding out the unimportant stuff.

While I was doing this, I began to realize that some things weren't making sense. All my life my NM has told me that, very shortly before their wedding, she and my dad had "relations" and I was conceived at that time. But when I looked at the date on their marriage certificate thingy online and compared it with my birth date, either my mom was pregnant for 2 1/2 to 3 years or I was born a toddler. There were married in August of 1973 and I was born around the same time in 1976. See what I mean? It just doesn't make sense.

Since I can't call up my NM (and since I likely would only get more lies even if I could), I called up my dad and asked him. He said that's not true, that he and NM were married for like 2 to 3 years before I was born. I had also been told by my NM that she and my dad divorced when I was just 9 months old. Also untrue. They separated when I was 9 months old but weren't officially divorced until nearly a year later.

(For the record, though it has nothing to do with this story really, I also discovered that my NM married my stepjerk just THREE WEEKS after her divorce from my father and my NHS was born 9 months after that. Doesn't waste any time, does she?)


Today is January 9th. The day my NHS was born and also the one year anniversary of my decision to go NC with my NM. (NHS and NBIL I'd already gone NC with over a year before that.)

Oddly enough, though I was struggling earlier in the week, I woke up today just like any other morning. It wasn't until I was looking on the Humane Society website to see if there were any new dogs up for adoption that I realized what today's date was. At that point, I felt a bit of anxiety and nausea. However, that passed quickly and the rest of the day so far has been just another nice, relaxing day with my dh and ds.

When I spoke with my aunt N earlier, she mentioned that my NM was aware of the significance of today (besides it being her golden girl's birthday, that is). I was surprised at first that NM remembered but then I realized that of course she'd remember that it's been a full year as she would feel it would further her victim status to whine to all who will listen about how it's been an entire year since her ungrateful daughter spoke to her. Boo hoo! Oh, sob! Woe is her! What ever did she do to deserve such cruelty? (Where's an eye roll smiley when you need one?)

It will be interesting to see if NM is able to keep up her ignoring of me for another year. Thus far, she seems to have convinced herself that I'm just being "silly" again and that I'll eventually come to my senses and come crawling back, begging her forgiveness. But at some point it will have to sink in that I really mean it this time, that I won't be back. With luck, she'll continue as she has been and just go on pretending I no longer exist as the alternative would be for her to suddenly start harassing me and I don't want (or need) that.


With regard to the whole therapy thing, I had called up my MIL that same night to tell her about what I'd been doing and that I was hoping to get back into therapy, etc. She seemed fine at first and then, out of the blue, she suddenly says to me, "You keep saying 'I can't. I can't' but you haven't even tried." !!! Suffice it to say, I was PISSED. Actually, the truth is probably more that I was deeply hurt. Here is this woman who sees us nearly every day, she's seen me in the midst of a full on panic attack, she's seen how I struggle daily and how I suffer with this crippling anxiety and yet she has the gall to tell me I haven't even tried?! To be fair, it didn't seem as if MIL was trying to be cruel but it was still hurtful all the same.

My dh had gone out with his dad the following day - yesterday - and while they were out, apparently FIL brought up the therapy issue with dh and said that he hated to see me "waste dh'sdh who totally supports me and "gets" the whole anxiety/panic thing. He told his dad that he'd seen firsthand what I'd been through with my anxiety and how much I'd benefited from therapy thus far. He then added that there was absolutely NO shame in people needing a little help sometimes and that he knew me and if I said I needed help and couldn't do it on my own, than I needed help and couldn't do it on my own. What's more, I wasn't stupid and had encountered bad T's before and that if it occurred this time round, I'd just fire him and move on to the next like I had previously.

Dh said that FIL had protested a little at first but, by the end of the conversation, he seemed content to leave it alone and stay out of it.

I think what upset me the most was that the whole comment by MIL and then the stuff the following day by FIL had triggered a bunch of negative feelings caused by my N FOO in the past. It was just a complete invalidation of my feelings and experiences. I couldn't help but think how would MIL feel if she came to me and said, "I don't know what's wrong. I just can't seem to lose weight." and I said to her, "You know MIL, you keep saying, 'You can't. You can't.' but you haven't even tried."? She'd probably have been very offended and dh likely would have gotten a nasty call from FIL that evening, chastising him for how rude I'd been to say such a thing to MIL. Yet it's apparently okay for her to say such things to me?

I think that if MIL brings it up or makes a similar comment, I'm going to present her with the scenario I just gave above and ask her, "MIL, how would you feel if I said something like that to you, knowing how much you've suffered with your weight?" Hopefully, that will get it through her head and she'll think twice before making such comments again.

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