Read a post on the DoNM board recently from a gal who, after a long period of NC with her NM, received an email from her NM which, at first glance, seemed to be sincere. At first read, it seemed her NM "got it" a bit and was willing and wanting to make amends and start over. Upon further scrutiny - and with a bit of added information about her NM from outside, trusted sources in her life - it's pretty clear to her and the rest of us who've read about it that her NM's motives are far from pure. No surprise there given that her M is an N. The thing is, this person is concerned - worried even - that she doesn't feel more open and trusting toward her NM and worries that she is a "cold, calloused" person.
I think this is one of the cruelest parts of having an NP - they make us doubt our very normal, healthy perceptions and reactions to things. Let's say, for example, that every time you encounter a certain person, they slap you in your face, hard. It would be normal, healthy and completely rational then in this instance to experience anxiety and suspicion any time you encountered this person or had to be around them, would it not? Yet our NP's and the other N's in our lives would have us believe that it was US who are somehow "off" or otherwise wrong to react the way we do. They would probably attack us and label us "too sensitive" or say we were "over-reacting". My NFOO would probably also claim the other person was "just kidding around" and berate me for being unable to take a joke. Bottom line, we are made to believe that WE are the ones in the wrong when the truth is anything but.
At nearly 35 years of age, I still am quick to doubt myself and my perceptions. Though I may know with total certainty what I feel in my gut, all it takes is one little word to trigger that doubt and I start thinking to myself, "Maybe they are right. Maybe I AM over-reacting, too sensitive, etc." It's one thing to suggest that maybe the other person didn't mean it the way it came out, that it was just a misunderstanding or whatever and another thing entirely to state flat out that another's perceptions are wrong or that they are otherwise over-reacting. The first scenario allows the victim another way of looking at things whereas the latter invalidates the victim's experience and, in my opinion, kills the spirit just a little bit more.
DH often says, "I find myself wanting to give [his NM] the benefit of the doubt."
ReplyDeleteTranslation: He has doubts about her motives, but he was trained to ignore them.
His recognition of her behaviors is often followed up by his denial of them, and then a denial of the recognition itself. I once used, as an example, the idea of someone walking up and slapping him across the face. I said, "This is a hypothetical situation. But, if someone came up to you and slapped you in the face, chances are good you would not trust them. Your NM has trained you to TRUST her anyway, in spite of all of her mental and emotional slaps."
Uck. Makes my stomach feel all icky inside thinking about people being treated this way. How invalidating! How infuriating!
I understand this perspective. Learning to trust myself is probably the hardest thing I am doing. So much of my life I was told I was wrong, stupid, misunderstood, overly sensitive, couldn't take a joke or an number of other put downs to increase myself doubt. Now I am turning that around. I feel like I am trying to turn an ocean-liner.
ReplyDeleteGood for you for fighting for yourself!
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post! It really has nailed the point home for me! Especially this part: "Let's say, for example, that every time you encounter a certain person, they slap you in your face, hard. It would be normal, healthy and completely rational then in this instance to experience anxiety and suspicion any time you encountered this person or had to be around them, would it not? Yet our NP's and the other N's in our lives would have us believe that it was US who are somehow "off" or otherwise wrong to react the way we do. They would probably attack us and label us "too sensitive" or say we were "over-reacting". My NFOO would probably also claim the other person was "just kidding around" and berate me for being unable to take a joke. Bottom line, we are made to believe that WE are the ones in the wrong when the truth is anything but." THANK YOU!!!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteGood post. I was always told I was too sensitive. That's a result of being the family scapegoat. When you're ganged upon as a child, your perceptions become warped from an early age. My NM passed one year ago today, and it's so interesting to look back at the past year and how much I've grown and changed and am able to be more positive and authentic with myself. She always kept me off balance with her tactics, most of all the devalue/discard and the defamation/betrayals.
ReplyDeleteWe MUST learn to trust ourselves and our perceptions. It's the only way to true emotional and mental health. Again, good post.