Ugh...

I don't even CARE if NM is lurking at this point, I gotta vent. I feel like I'm losing that stability and peace that I'd worked so hard for this past 19 months. I'm hating myself that NM still has this hold over me and am kicking myself for thinking that maybe, just maybe, things would be different this time. I thought I'd finally gotten past that ridiculous hope and accepted that NM was damaged goods, that she'd never give me what I want and need from her, and I think I HAVE accepted it in my mind. But, sadly, my heart is another thing entirely and it is breaking once again at being rejected and punished for not doing anything wrong.


I know now 100% that it was a huge mistake to reconnect with NM. I wish, looking back, that I'd ignored her IM that day and continued with my NC. Those first few moment of speaking with her felt good but all that has come with it most definitely does NOT feel good. Not even close.


I'd been doing so well with NC. It was hard at times, sure, and there were sad times for what might have been under different circumstances but I felt HAPPY for the first time in my life. I knew what peace and contentment felt like. I looked forward to the day upon waking in the mornings. And now I feel like I've fallen backward off of a cliff and am plummeting toward that dark abyss once again.


Actually, to be honest, it doesn't feel as dark and overwhelming as it did previously so I HAVE made SOME progress obviously, but I still feel like I've taken several steps backward. My anxiety had been way down, my insomnia was finally mostly cleared up, I had very few nightmares and I just woke up feeling happy and peaceful every day. Best of all, my relationships with my dh and ds had improved greatly as I was no longer the impatient, sniping bitch that I was when NM was in my life.


These past few weeks, especially this last week, my insomnia is back with a vengeance, my nightmares are back, my anxiety is through the roof (though my panic attacks haven't come back as bad as they used to be). I wake up depressed instead of looking forward to the day and, worst of all, I can feel myself being all tense and impatient and have noticed myself sniping here and there again with my dh and ds. Dh is one thing, not that it's okay but he's an adult and can understand somewhat where I'm coming from and not internalize it so much. But my sweet ds, it absolutely KILLS me every time I yell or even just raise my voice at him a little and I see that sweet, precious face fall. Makes me feel like a giant ball of shit.


My biggest fear is that long-term damage will be done to ds. I would just DIE if I thought that he would grow up feeling the way I felt, like his mommy didn't love him and didn't care about him, wondering why he could never measure up or do the right thing, why nothing he said or did was ever good enough and felt like a small, stupid burden, unworthy of love and respect. I would truly shrivel up and die if I were the cause of that pain in him.


To try and compensate, whenever I catch myself yelling, I immediately apologize to him and tell him that I'm not mad at him, that mommy's just in a bad mood and irritable and that I love him so, so much - more than anything else in the entire world - and tell him what a GOOD boy he is and how PROUD I am of him and of being his mommy and how I will love him forever and always, no matter what. My T says this will go a long way toward staving off any lasting damage being done to ds. Still, I worry.


In speaking to dh yesterday, even he has said it's time to "shut it back down" with NM and I agree completely. I know it has to be done. In fact, I'm looking FORWARD to going back to the peace and tranquility of NC. Still....it's a little harder this time round because this time I know it's forever. I'll never hug my NM again, never hang out or visit with her, there will be no holidays spent together, no talks shared between us. The next time I see her, it will likely be her picture in the paper next to her obituary. That just hurts. It really, really hurts.

Yep. She's definitely playing games...

Finally got an email in my inbox this morning from NM. Instead of a written email, it was an email forward titled, "Fwd: Card for You/ Reply Requested". When I read that I was like, "WTF is this?". I opened it and inside was a picture of a postcard type card with a cartoon puppy on it that reads:

"No matter where I am or what I am doing, when YOU come to mind, it shows on my face!"

Beneath that, it reads:

To: YOU
Date: TODAY
From: GOD
Subject: YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE

Now, you have a nice day.

God

God has seen you struggling, God says it's over. A blessing is coming our way. If you believe in God, please send to ten people (including me) please don't ignore this.

YOU HAVE 20 MINUTES TO TELL 10 FRIENDS/FAMILY (INCLUDING ME)

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say this is a game to find out if I'll respond or not. Quite honestly, I am beyond sick of games at this point in my life and will not be responding unless and until she addresses the last email I sent her.

I've read all of the responses to my last post from all of you. I haven't responded myself yet because I didn't want to give away too much of what I'm thinking and feeling just in case NM or one of her FM's are lurking about. Suffice it to say, I know what I plan to do and a large part of that is to not give this bitch anymore space in my head for now. She wants to play games, fine. She can damn well play them with herself because I'm not interested.

STILL no word from NM...

Am starting to get a little pissed. She sent her email around noon Friday asking what "we" could do about the situation with ds, basically asking if she could visit with him, and I responded at around 3pm telling her I wasn't comfortable with her seeing ds at this time, that she could send him a card or whatever and I could see if ds was willing to send her a short note back but, beyond that, it wasn't going to happen, especially given that she and I have only spoken 4 to 5 times via email and IM after nearly two years of no contact whatsoever.


As of now, I haven't gotten a response and, of course, my first inclination is to assume that NM was pissed that she didn't get the response she wanted and so is "punishing" me by giving me the silent treatment for a couple days before she responds. I'm inclined to think that her eventual response will go something along the lines of, "How much longer are you going to keep this up? I'd thought we'd been making some progress finally in our recent conversations only to find out now that we're right back where we started with you keeping ds from me." Granted, it won't be worded exactly like that but that's the basic gist of what I'm expecting.


Wish she'd just send it and get it over with already. I hate this waiting game.

I knew it was coming sooner than later...

Got this email from NM earlier today...

Hi-have you seen Repticon advertised at the ***** arena? Just saw it on ***********. It's this weekend at the ***** Arena, and they have tarantulas, scorpions, and different lizards, etc. The lizard on the show was 6 feet long, and weighed 50 pounds. Very gentle, and was raised by his owner from birth-good with kids-(you need one for ds!!!) We're going to go tomorrow I think. It's $10. for adults, and $5. for kids. DS would probably enjoy this ya think? Just thought I'd let you know in case you wanted to take him. I hate crawly things, but this should be interesting-and something different to do!

How is my grandson doing? By the way...how have you explained my absense? I feel bad that I'm missing his growing up-I love that child with all my heart, and want him to know me, and love me back. What do you think we could do about this situation? I don't want to push you or force you to do anything you're not ready to do-but I don't want to miss his early years and want him and myself to have some kind of a relationship. Anyway-think on it, and let me know. I love you lots! XX

The thing that strikes me first and foremost is that we've only spoken just a few times - maybe 5 by now? - and I told her flat out just a few weeks ago that I was nowhere near ready to see her face to face at this time.........yet I'm supposed to arrange a visit with my ds for her? I can understand inquiring as to what I've told ds about her not being around. That seems a logical enough question. But really? Asking already to see ds when she and I have only spoken a handful of times and haven't even so much as spoken over the phone yet??!! Only an N would make such a ridiculous request!

And while I'd like to believe she's being sincere in saying how she loves my ds and wants a relationship with him, I know all too well that she's full of crap. If she loved him so much and wanted a relationship with him so badly, she'd have been willing to abide by dh's and my rules and visit with ds here at the house and gone through the necessary steps to earn back our trust. Bottom line, coming here to see him even though it wasn't ideal would have been better than not seeing him at all. Instead, being an N, because she couldn't have everything HER way, she walked away and we didn't speak to her for nearly TWO YEARS (in actuality it was about 19 months).

As for his "early years", ds is now 5 and starting Kindergarten in just a couple weeks so I think that boat has long since passed. The time to build a relationship with him would have been from birth up till now but, again, since she couldn't have everything HER way, she chose to pout and walk away. NOT my problem, nor was it my fault. And now that ds will be starting school, making friends and wanting to hang out with them more and more as he gets older, NM has missed her chance. Too bad, so sad. Not.

I plan to respond but I think I'm just going to be honest with her and say basically what I've just said above, though a bit more respectfully. (Not because she deserves it but because it's the sort of person I choose to be.) I'm sure she'll just throw a giant pity party because I "won't allow her" to have a relationship with her grandson and/or otherwise try to tell me why I'm being mean or unfair but, whatever.

I'll let you all know how it goes.

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Not sure WHAT to call this. A dream? A nightmare? Something else?

**NOTE : Some parts of this may be sensitive or triggering to some people so just proceed with caution please.

You'll have to bear with me as I'm trying to put this all together and sort it out as I type it...

I awoke at 5am this morning from a nightmare. In the dream, it was dh and I along with several others and we were all in hiding. Aliens had invaded the earth (I know, sounds stupid to write it now but it was really scary in the dream!) and, at any moment, they may come to get us and take us away. Dh and I had ds but he wasn't with us in the dream. I remember going to dh at one point and asking him, if it came to it, to promise me that he'd help me kill ds and then kill me since I just couldn't deal with the thought of the aliens getting hold of him and I knew I couldn't survive without ds. The dream, or nightmare, switched then and there was this cat. It was hurt and I had to kill it to help put it out of it's suffering but the only thing I had was my bare hands. Without going into too much detail, I killed the cat and then cried because I felt sorry for it only to have my sadness turn into fear and revulsion when the cat starting moving in my hands again. It was at this point that I shot awake.

First thing I did was to check on ds who was, of course, sleeping and just fine. I went back to bed and had all these thoughts racing through my head. First and foremost, don't know where this came from, but it occurred to me that just as the aliens could come and kill me at any second, so it was living in that house growing up with NFOO. With a physically and verbally abusive stepjerk who easily weighed close to 300 pounds (I was a mere 120 pounds at my highest when I lived there), his ability to literally crush the life out of me was a very real possibility. Add to that NM and NSJ always making comments like, "We brought you into this world, we can take you out!" and other awful things like that, it seemed a very real threat indeed. I think this is also why I am so terrified of standing up to them - meaning NM and NSJ - because, in my mind, they hold my very life in their hands and, at any moment, can choose to end it. Of course, when I think this out in the daytime right now, it sounds rather absurd yet....the fear remains.

The second thing that occurred to me is that, just as I refused to surrender to the aliens and allow them to have ds and me in the dream, so that was in real life also. There is a little warrior inside of me who refused to allow NFOO to totally destroy me. Despite the hell that they put me through, I survived. Interesting thought - I would rather destroy myself than allow them to conquer and do God only knows what to me.

There was also some religious aspect to my thought processes afterwards but I can't really remember anymore what it was. What I DO know is that I have a bad anxiety reaction to people who are vehemently anti-God. Doesn't bother me at all if someone is atheist or non-Christian and polite/respectful about it, just when they get really aggressive and nasty about the fact that I am a Christian and believe in God. I'm certain this has a great deal to do with NSJ who, I believe, is evil. You can literally FEEL the evil rage seething off of him anytime someone dares to bring up the topic of God or religion around him. His comments can only be described as wasp-like and dripping with venom. Truly, I imagine he'd give the ole devil himself a run for his money in his hatred of God and anything religious.

All of these thoughts just seemed so completely PROFOUND to me this morning. I felt sick to my stomach, gut-punched, truly. I felt like I should be experiencing some sort of huge emotional release as well - crying, sobbing, shaking, etc. - but nothing came. I'm a bit nervous it may hit me later. I'm hoping if it does that it at least waits until dh is home so I don't freak out ds.

I'm curious to see if you all can get anything more out of it beyond what I've come up with already. It just felt so WEIRD. Still does. I feel slightly dizzy and like my skin is crawling, almost like there's some even more profound revelation there but my subconscious is doing everything it can to keep it under wraps.

*sigh* I wish so badly I had a therapy session today. I'd call but they just changed policy that any call over 10 minutes and you're billed as a session. Since money is VERY tight right now, I just can't afford it.

Anyone here with PTSD who's used EMDR?

After I'd made an inquiry about EMDR and whether it would be helpful to me with regard to helping me overcome my PTSD, my T just got back to me earlier today after checking with a colleague of hers who specializes in EMDR therapy and apparently this other T feels I'd be a very good candidate for EMDR therapy.

I've looked at several sites online to try and find something out about EMDR - what specifically it is, what it entails, etc. - and everything seems to be quite technical and hard to understand. I generally prefer to have at least a vague idea of what I'm getting into before just jumping in head first so I figured I'd ask here and see if anyone was willing to share their stories and experiences regarding the EMDR process. Anything you're willing to share would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

DA