Spoke to NM earlier today!

Was typing an email to my friend and Yahoo messenger popped up with a "Hey!" from NM. I sat staring at it blinking on my screen for several minutes before typing back, "Hi." We chatted a bit back and forth, mostly neutral stuff. I'll post the whole convo later. Right now, I'm just trying to process what exactly I'm feeling. I know I'm not upset and I felt pretty calm while talking to her. I had zero problem standing my ground on the few things she said that I didn't agree with and wasn't about to let her slide with. I was respectful but calm. At one point she started talking like, "See. We can get along with one another! If you'll just be honest with me and tell me when I do something that upsets you, blah blah" and I nipped it right there and said, "Before you run away with yourself, I want to make it clear that just because I'm talking with you right now does NOT mean I'm ready to jump back into a relationship with you. I am in no way ready to see you at this time, nor do I wish to speak with you on the phone. I think I would be okay with sending emails back and forth a few times a year but, for right now, that's as much as I am willing to give and there are no promises." I made it clear that while I did love her and missed her in some ways, that I would NOT under any circumstances, go back to the way things were before.

She said she loved me and never meant to hurt me and I responded that while I'd love nothing more than to believe that were true, that it was hard given all the seriously negative comments that have gotten back to me over the last couple years from her, NHS and NSJ. She said that she had told everyone she didn't want to hear any badmouthing of me - not so sure I buy that at all - and then added, "I mean, at first, yeah, but not anymore".

There were a couple more comments about how she's not blameless but neither am I and how she's been hurt in this whole thing but, overall, we stuck to general topics and things went okay. Dh read it and then we talked about it and he said he's really proud of me. He said I managed a good balance of standing my ground on things but not allowing myself to get sucked back in to defending myself and becoming overly invested.

Overall, I guess I'm glad I talked with her. There is a measure of relief that that first reconnect is over with and I feel confident that I can handle further contact should I desire to do so. I don't know where I'll go from here. If I ever do resume some measure of contact, it will likely be an email relationship where we chat a couple times a month and any face-to-face contact will likely be restricted to only once a month at the most. For now, I'm just going to give it a few days. If I still feel like emailing her, then I will and if I don't, I won't.  :o)

Birthday to me...

Today's the big day, the day I turned the ole three five. It started out well enough with dh and ds wishing me a Happy Birthday and giving me a nice card and a little MP3 player I'd been asking for. I logged online expecting there to be SOMETHING from SOMEONE and was crushed to see zip, zero, NADA anywhere. No emails, no comments on Facebook, nothing. Another check against the ole N FOO.

A little later in the day, I came back home with ds after going out to pay a bill and run a quick errand to find a message on the answering machine from my step-aunt wishing me a happy day. When I checked online, I found an email from my eye doctor, one from my chiro and another from our old mortgage company wishing me a Happy Birthday. An hour or so after that, I got a call from our new insurance agent wishing me the best on my special day. By this time, it is after 2pm and still no word from N FOO. I mean, really, is it THAT much trouble to write two words - Happy Birthday - on my Facebook wall or something? (It was around this point that good ole aunt N posted a very nice message on my FB wall wishing me happy day. At least SOMEONE in that side of the family cares.)

When I checked the mail later, I found a card from NF and NSM. It was some long, drawn out, uber-religious card (again, nothing against religion in and of itself, it's just annoying and offensive coming from such total hypocrites as NF and NSM) that contained nothing and said only, "We Miss You, NF and NSM". Really? Yeah, I can tell. NOT. Seems to me if they truly cared, even HALF as much as they'd like me to believe they do, they'd have acknowledged my hurt feelings when they were in town, offered a sincere apology and followed it up by trying not to repeat their bad behavior. Furthermore, they'd have tried to make amends instead of being only too eager to allow me to walk away and not speak to them anymore. Yeah, they care alright. Just enough to send a stupid card full of fake sentiments that they clearly don't feel and throw in a little birthday guilt trip for good measure.

FINALLY, after 5pm, I see another message on my FB wall from my other aunt (who I'm not really close to but who likes to play like the family is so close and loving) wishing me a happy day and nearly an hour after that, I get a phone call from my MIL wishing me Happy Birthday, though only AFTER she'd called and chatted with 5 year old ds for a few minutes.

When dh came home and saw I was upset, he naturally asked what was wrong and so I told him all of the above. He didn't come right out and say as much really but his general comments and tone seemed to say that he doesn't get what the big deal is. So what if no one wished me a Happy Birthday first thing today and waited until later in the day? And of course I felt like a big selfish jerk for feeling hurt, etc.

The thing is, yet again it feels like I'm bottom priority to everyone. It's not that I expect to always be in the spotlight but, geez louise, how much effort does it take to just type a two sentence email and hit send or call someone up and say, "I can't really talk right now but I just wanted to wish you a very Happy Birthday today."? Or, as I said earlier, to type "Happy Birthday" on my Facebook wall, since they're all on FB? They've all been online off and on all day yet they didn't even think to write Happy Birthday to me until almost the end of the day? And what the hell does my MIL have to do that she was so busy all day? She's retired, BIL and SIL are back and home so MIL no longer has to worry about caring for the baby and MIL has never been one to keep a clean house (it's generally picked up of stuff but, if you look up close, it's DIRTY). Aside from catering to FIL, what was so consuming that she couldn't be bothered to call earlier or shoot me a quick message on FB?

I'm just so sick of having it thrown up in my face time and time again that of all the people in my life, it's those who aren't even related to me or that I don't even truly know and have never met (like you all here or the lovely ladies over at the DoNM board) who care enough to bother themselves with saying something as small as "Hope you have a Happy Birthday!". 

I get it already. No one cares (meaning in my N FOO and IL family, not including dh and ds who obviously DO care very much). I don't matter and I'm obviously not worth anyone's time. Thanks a bunch for throwing it in my face yet AGAIN. Just one more year of Happy fucking Birthday to me.

DA

Thoughts of contacting NM...

I keep going back and forth on this but I keep coming back to feeling a desire to contact NM again. To be clear, I am NOT thinking of completely undoing all of NC but having more extreme LC. Basically, I've been considering having a strictly email/letter relationship for now and see how things go. I feel I'm at a place where I could handle that much and maintain my individuality as well as enforce my boundaries with her. The thing is, every time I get to where I think I've decided I'm going to do it, I can't help but remember all the things NM has done to me over the years, most specifically since going NC with her. The lies, the smear campaigns, trying to turn my own family against me - and succeeding on that front to a good measure - telling people how I'M a liar, a thief and how she believes I have mental problems and, thus, should be avoided by everyone. At that point, I just can't bring myself to go through with it which, while probably a good thing, just makes me so sad inside and makes me feel frustrated at the hopelessness of the situation.

This isn't some friend we're talking about here, it's my mother and, damn it, I ought to be able to have a positive relationship with the woman. I ought to be able to call her up and tell her how ds is doing in school, how his teachers all say it looks like he may be advanced. I ought to be able to share my newly decorated house with her and be able to hear her say how much she likes it and/or how nice a job I've done with the place. I ought to be able to count on her for support when I find out my SIL is very sick in the hospital and may not make it. All these things and more so many others have with their mothers and take for granted and here I sit, willing to give just about anything for just a single day like that with my own mom. It's so damned unfair.

I sit here and I think to myself, "Is this really it? Was January the 9th of 2010 really the last time I'll ever see or speak to my mother? Will I ever get to hear her voice or hug her again? Or will the next time I see her be her obituary picture in the local newspaper?" Honestly, the thought of never again seeing her or speaking to her, of never going "antiquing" together or hugging her again is almost too much to bear. Despite everything - despite the smear campaigns, the lies, the abuse, not being there for me, etc. - despite it all, I still love her dearly. She may be sick, she may be unable to be the kind of person I so long for her to be in my life but, despite it all, she's still my mother. The woman who carried me in her womb, who gave birth to me, who - at one time - I believe did love me the way a mother should, who fought my NF time and again to protect me from his and NSM's horrible influence, the woman who I used to have occasional good times with.....the woman I literally ache inside, I miss her so much.

I've spoken to my therapist about this whole thing, my feelings about wanting to contact NM but not being sure I can ever go back and she seems to think that the time will come, after I've healed a bit more, when she thinks I will be able to handle having NM back in my life again. It's a lovely thought and one I hold on to.....and yet, again that whisper in the back of my head that lists over and over all the hurtful things she's said and done.

*sigh*

Prayers still needed....

It seems some new problems have arisen with my SIL. Yesterday, though MUCH improved, the hospital staff and a visiting friend of my BIL and SIL noticed SIL was getting confused and saying the wrong thing, such as calling her dh by my dh's name occasionally, etc. They did several scans, some with contrast dye, and as of the last scan, it appears my SIL has four very small blood clots in her brain which the doctors believe to be the cause of her current issues. As of now, they aren't sure if the damage (confusion, etc.) she's experiencing is permanent or whether it will eventually improve.

Please continue to pray and/or send good vibes/thoughts for her that she makes a full recovery and can soon go home to her dh and new baby.

Thanks.

DA xx

Is it really just me?

So, as I mentioned in previous posts, my BIL and SIL have been at the hospital since early yesterday morning after SIL's health scare. While they were there, MIL has been caring for my new nephew. Actually, for the past week since my nephew was born, MIL has been trading off nights with BIL to help care for the baby since SIL has been confined to the couch and unable to get up except to use the bathroom. As a result, MIL had had the baby the night before SIL's seizure and subsequent hospital stay and then all day yesterday, all night last night and all day so far today. And, since SIL may yet need to stay in the hospital another day or two, it looks like MIL will probably continue keeping the baby on her own for another day or so. (Yes, my FIL is there too but, when it comes to child care, my FIL is about as useless as a one-legged dog.)

So anyways, FIL calls up earlier to check in, update us on SIL's condition and chat briefly with ds to see how he's doing as ds has had a cold the past couple days. We chatted for a bit and then, at one point, I heard FIL kind of shout MIL's name and then the baby started crying. Somewhat alarmed, I asked if everything was alright and FIL kind of chuckled and said that MIL was nodding off and her head had fallen forward and she'd konked the baby's head with hers which had caused him to cry. At that point I said, "Why don't I come and get the baby and bring him here for a bit and give you and MIL a break?" FIL didn't even get it all out of his mouth before I heard MIL say, very nastily, in the background that she was FINE and could do it all by herself just FINE. When I tried to say something else, all FIL would say was that MIL was "made for this" and would be just fine. *roll eyes*

Is it just me or do you all find that something is seriously "off" with this woman - MIL - and her behavior regarding her grandchildren? If you really want to know the truth, I feel she's being a selfish, stubborn COW of a woman who would apparently rather risk putting a child's safety in jeopardy than let someone - me - step in and help out for a few hours and give her a break.

She was/is the same way with ds, especially when he was first born. Always wanting to be the one holding him and caring for him. If I'd let her, she'd have set up a full room for him at her house and kept him there 24-7 quite happily. As it was, I insisted on ds staying in the house with me and MIL usually sat around pouting. No matter how much she got to hold ds, it was never enough. And now with my nephew, she acts more like he's HER child rather than her grandchild and as if a known deviant or something is trying to take the child from her rather than the child's aunt who only wants to help give her a break for a bit. 

Once SIL is all recovered and she and BIL go back to work full time the plan is for MIL to take over daily care of the child full time, 7 days a week or more. I'm supposed to be comfortable with this?? I feel I should add here that I'm almost as much worried about MIL as the baby. MIL just REFUSES to admit that she's getting on in years and that there are things she just cannot do the way she used to anymore. Suffice it to say it's been many, many years since she had to take care of a newborn infant full time. Both her sons are in their 30's now and she's going to be 60 this year. And nothing against 60-something year olds either. It's just that UN-like some other 60 year olds, MIL is badly out of shape and, at last report, pre-diabetic (though since she refuses to change her diet and listen to her doctors, it's only a matter of time until she's full on diabetic, if she's not already). As any parent knows, it's hard enough taking care of a newborn when you're in your 20's or 30's but MIL insists she's just as capable - MORE capable actually, though she hasn't quite come out and said as much, but you can tell by her tone and attitude - as the children's parents and as she was when she was a new mother herself.

Ugh! I am just SO pissed off today with MIL's selfishness and stubbornness! To make matters worse, I log onto Facebook today and see this posted from dh's cousin (MIL's niece):

Aunt (MIL's name), you are an awesome Nana. Your daughter-in-law's are so lucky to have you as the mother of their husbands and grandmother of their sons. I can't think of a person I respect more on this earth.

Seriously?? Pardon my french but fucking GAG me with a spoon! Little does dh's cousin know that MIL has a bitchy streak about a mile and a half wide and has badmouthed said cousin many, many times behind her back - and quite viciously too, I might add -specifically with regard to the fact that cousin is a lesbian and she and her partner recently decided to have a baby via artificial insemination from an anonymous source. MIL talks about cousin like she's some kind of freak of nature and made a comment that 'at least there's something normal about her' with regard to the fact that cousin was the one to carry the baby. I was like WTF?? I told MIL that while cousin's choices were vastly different from the ones she and I may have made for our lives that I hardly thought that classified her as abnormal in any way. But, I digress. You get the idea. I'm half tempted to privately message cousin on FB and tell her that appearances aren't always correct or something along those lines but I figure it'd only hurt cousin and, at worst, she may pass along what I'd said to MIL which would cause bigger problems.

I just cannot STAND that everyone - MIL's own sons and dh included - seems to view MIL like she's some kind of martyred saint who can do no wrong when she's just like anyone else, with flaws of her own. Anytime I've brought up to dh my issues with his mother, no matter how politely and respectfully I phrase it, 99.9% of the time he comes back and says how I'm not seeing things right or how my views of parents are skewed by my experiences with N FOO, etc. In other words, I'm "over-reacting" or making too big a deal of nothing.

So I ask all of you - is it just me here or do you also see something very wrong and/or "off" about MIL's behaviors in regard to her grandchildren? I think it's one thing to be extremely fond of one's grandchildren and another thing entirely to have an unhealthy attachment to them and MIL would definitely fall into the latter group, IMHO. 

I remember when ds was just born and seeing how MIL acted towards him and feeling very threatened. It was like MIL viewed my child as hers and I often felt as if MIL was trying to have another go at motherhood via MY child. She even went so far as to call ds (dh's name) junior for the longest time. Granted, ds did look A LOT like dh when he was a baby but it was just creepy the way MIL would refer to him by that nickname and I always made a point to correct her when she did it. MIL would also buy a lot of clothes for ds that looked straight out of the 70's which was the era dh grew up in. Truly, I felt she was trying to re-create her experiences only with my child. To this day, it creeps me out majorly.

*sigh* I'm just in a bad mood now over this whole thing. I'm so grateful SIL is going to be okay but this thing with MIL and my nephew has just brought up a whole lot of bad memories for me.

Thank you all!

Thank you all for your prayers and good thoughts that you sent for my SIL yesterday. I've just heard that the blood patch procedure they did on her last night was apparently a success and she's now on the mend! She may even be able to come home in a day or two! 

Thank the Lord for answered prayers!

Prayers needed....

Just heard from my FIL earlier that my dear SIL was rushed to the hospital this morning after suffering a seizure. She had a baby last week and the doctors think that there were some complications either from the epidural or from my SIL pushing during labor. She's been suffering with a very bad headache for the past several days and then suddenly this morning she took a big turn for the worse.

If you believe in prayer, please pray for my SIL that God will heal her and send her back home soon to my BIL and their new baby boy. If prayer isn't your thing, good vibes, Karma, etc. are appreciated too.

Thanks so much. I'll let you all know just as soon as I hear anything.

DA