Today's the big day, the day I turned the ole three five. It started out well enough with dh and ds wishing me a Happy Birthday and giving me a nice card and a little MP3 player I'd been asking for. I logged online expecting there to be SOMETHING from SOMEONE and was crushed to see zip, zero, NADA anywhere. No emails, no comments on Facebook, nothing. Another check against the ole N FOO.
A little later in the day, I came back home with ds after going out to pay a bill and run a quick errand to find a message on the answering machine from my step-aunt wishing me a happy day. When I checked online, I found an email from my eye doctor, one from my chiro and another from our old mortgage company wishing me a Happy Birthday. An hour or so after that, I got a call from our new insurance agent wishing me the best on my special day. By this time, it is after 2pm and still no word from N FOO. I mean, really, is it THAT much trouble to write two words - Happy Birthday - on my Facebook wall or something? (It was around this point that good ole aunt N posted a very nice message on my FB wall wishing me happy day. At least SOMEONE in that side of the family cares.)
When I checked the mail later, I found a card from NF and NSM. It was some long, drawn out, uber-religious card (again, nothing against religion in and of itself, it's just annoying and offensive coming from such total hypocrites as NF and NSM) that contained nothing and said only, "We Miss You, NF and NSM". Really? Yeah, I can tell. NOT. Seems to me if they truly cared, even HALF as much as they'd like me to believe they do, they'd have acknowledged my hurt feelings when they were in town, offered a sincere apology and followed it up by trying not to repeat their bad behavior. Furthermore, they'd have tried to make amends instead of being only too eager to allow me to walk away and not speak to them anymore. Yeah, they care alright. Just enough to send a stupid card full of fake sentiments that they clearly don't feel and throw in a little birthday guilt trip for good measure.
FINALLY, after 5pm, I see another message on my FB wall from my other aunt (who I'm not really close to but who likes to play like the family is so close and loving) wishing me a happy day and nearly an hour after that, I get a phone call from my MIL wishing me Happy Birthday, though only AFTER she'd called and chatted with 5 year old ds for a few minutes.
When dh came home and saw I was upset, he naturally asked what was wrong and so I told him all of the above. He didn't come right out and say as much really but his general comments and tone seemed to say that he doesn't get what the big deal is. So what if no one wished me a Happy Birthday first thing today and waited until later in the day? And of course I felt like a big selfish jerk for feeling hurt, etc.
The thing is, yet again it feels like I'm bottom priority to everyone. It's not that I expect to always be in the spotlight but, geez louise, how much effort does it take to just type a two sentence email and hit send or call someone up and say, "I can't really talk right now but I just wanted to wish you a very Happy Birthday today."? Or, as I said earlier, to type "Happy Birthday" on my Facebook wall, since they're all on FB? They've all been online off and on all day yet they didn't even think to write Happy Birthday to me until almost the end of the day? And what the hell does my MIL have to do that she was so busy all day? She's retired, BIL and SIL are back and home so MIL no longer has to worry about caring for the baby and MIL has never been one to keep a clean house (it's generally picked up of stuff but, if you look up close, it's DIRTY). Aside from catering to FIL, what was so consuming that she couldn't be bothered to call earlier or shoot me a quick message on FB?
I'm just so sick of having it thrown up in my face time and time again that of all the people in my life, it's those who aren't even related to me or that I don't even truly know and have never met (like you all here or the lovely ladies over at the DoNM board) who care enough to bother themselves with saying something as small as "Hope you have a Happy Birthday!".
I get it already. No one cares (meaning in my N FOO and IL family, not including dh and ds who obviously DO care very much). I don't matter and I'm obviously not worth anyone's time. Thanks a bunch for throwing it in my face yet AGAIN. Just one more year of Happy fucking Birthday to me.
(((DA))) Happy Birthday! I know it isn't the same. My parents forget altogether more often than they remembered. It hurt, for a long time. (I'm a December baby, so Christmas was the excuse.) Nine years ago, my online friends started teaching me to celebrate, all month long. Now, it doesn't matter if the FOO remembers or not. It shouldn't be that way, but I can't change them, and they are not allowed to ruin another birthday for me. They may not be glad I was born, but my friends are, and I am.
ReplyDeleteI so understand. Happy Birthday and my time it is already your unbirthday. My birthday was too close to Christmas and so it was moved to June for convnience sake. I now celebrate on the actual day and usually don't get a card from my parents that live less than a mile away. I am doing good if they acknowledge it within the week. Families can be just so weird sometimes.
ReplyDeleteuggghh....I'm so sorry. Hopefully, lots of "other" people wished you a happy day. My bday is in two days and I am always just happy to get it over with because like it or not, those pesky feelings about family creep in. It's normal. It's natural. Be good to yourself and HAPPY BIRTHDAY! :)
ReplyDeleteYuck zone.
ReplyDeleteMy birthday was this:
- an email from my aunt expressing how she "realizes" that I want nothing to do with any of them (my family of origin). Right, this estrangement is only my fault. Oh and lets make the email about everyone else and not about who's birthday it actually is. Eff that!
- a voicemail from my mother's best friend stating how she missed me and is "always thinking of me" and maybe probably there's a little something in the mail for my son. We never got a gift and again, she was expressing how everything was my fault. Isn't that a nice birthday wish?
- a voicemail from my mother's second ex husband. I really don't know why he's trying to stay in touch. He was barely there the 15 years he and my mother were married.
- a phone call from my father after 10pm expressing how I should not break my ties with my blood family becuase it's not a good idea. And he sent a card that said only "Happy Birthday Son". He was not calling to say "happy birthday" he was calling to tell me that I should stop having my own life and family and come back to The Fold.
It would have been nice if I'd gotten the treatment you did: plain old ignoring.
Anyway, hope your family (husband, kids, you know) provided you the happiness on your birthday (and always!) that you deserve.
Best,
LSV
Your PTSD is being triggered here. It's the message: I don't matter; I'm not worth anything to anybody. You learned this from your NM; she was always more important than you. You had to be less than her, but of course still good enough for her at the same time. I feel it too over the slightest things, i.e. nobody commenting on my witty status update on FB (btw - I've recently decided to boycott FB and all other message boards with the exception of blogs because I take the lack of replies waaaay too hard. Yes, my PTSD gets triggered on the damn Interwebz. How lame.)
ReplyDeleteYou have to just remind yourself these people don't care but that doesn't mean nobody cares, and it certainly isn't any indicator of your instrinsic worth as a human being. And these people sound like shitty people anyway. I get it that you want somebody to care, but the people who really matter do care and show it to you on a daily basis. Who gives a shit about the rest of them? Don't let it ruin your day.
@ Motherless Child - I hadn't considered it was my PTSD being triggered in this instance. Hmmm. Interesting. I also hadn't realized that it was coming into play when I'd feel bad about other things as well, such as on the internet. Like you, I get so down and discouraged when enough people don't respond to a post I made or comment on something I wrote. It's easy to feel like NO ONE cares when, really, it's just a few people who didn't respond and likely NOT because they didn't care but because maybe they're out of town and haven't checked online lately or maybe they are sick or in the middle of moving or just WHATEVER.
ReplyDeleteI'm looking forward to learning more about this PTSD thing. I've done a little research online and me and my therapist have talked a bit about it but, for the most part,it's VERY new to me so there's little I know and understand yet.
One thing I DO know is that my biggest hurdle by far is going to be convincing myself that I am a good person who deserves to be loved and treated with respect. Logically I get that but my heart hasn't caught up yet and still believes all the awful things I was told all those years. I look forward to the day I can finally say "I'm a good person and deserve to be treated with respect" and 100% fully BELIEVE it with my whole being. :o)
Hi there & happy birthday from western Australia. It's my bday in tomoro & I am also about to turn 35 and am the daughter of a narcissistic mother. I have felt exactly the same & searched online to see if anyone else felt the same...and I found your blog.
ReplyDeleteEvery year I feel the same & I can relate to your mental understanding that you deserve to be loved, yet feel so abandoned...especially on the one day of the year when "the norm" is to be made to feel special...your birthday.
For me, it has totally sucked. My NM (with whom I see rarely and only out of obligation - yet I want no contact) forgot my birthday (I mentioned it on the phone & she actually said she didn't realise). And all of u out there will go "yep! I can relate to that!"....but then there's this.... My only sibling brother and dad died last year (dads bday was on 9 July) yet NM still forgets me!
Thank god we can label it as narcissism - I studied psych and never clicked that my mum was one. But last year my psych pointed it out & now it all makes sooooo much sense, but like u, the pain and negative conditioning is still there.
I also suffer with taking offense so easily & overly focus if no one gives me the attention I believe should be "normal"...ie, a friend doesn't call & yes, no one ever Facebooks me for my bday. I have no partner and no children & often feel alone...but then I know I'm not when I read all of u and thousands more who have suffered the effects of narcisism in our relationships.
I personally believe we come to earth to learn & grow as souls, and I reckon we are f'ing learning big time! Together I hope we can feed each other the knowledge and appreciation we each need to truly gain the sense of belonging on this planet which we never received growing up.
I've probably bored u senseless here - I apologise (typical daughter of NM) as I never type messages online! Love to u from the bottom of my soul. U r worth it xx Georgie m