Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Trying to make sense of what I'm feeling...

Forgive me if this doesn't exactly flow and kind of rambles. That's kind of how my thoughts and feelings are on this subject so it's hard to get them organized at the moment.

Since having that IM convo with NM a few weeks ago, I've spoken with her two or three more times, all via Yahoo Messenger. Nothing major, just minor chit chat mostly, and I guess it's gone about as well as can be expected. Part of me wants to progress a bit and call her up on the phone but every time I start to do so, I hesitate. I just can't seem to get past (and not feeling I really SHOULD) all the pain and nastiness NM has caused me in the past. (And I'm speaking primarily of recent past here, like within the past 24 months, though of course the rest also figures in somewhat.) 

I wouldn't mind being on friendly-ish terms with her but I just cannot get past the fact that my own mother could be so deliberately cruel and vicious when speaking about me, that she would deliberately attempt to turn my own extended family against me and that each time my name was brought up in conversation by one of them, NM would begin spewing her hate and venom about me. (During the period of NC with my  NM, I was told by a couple of extended FOO members that the venom apparently started spewing when my name was mentioned. In an effort to spare my feelings, no details were ever given but I can imagine all too well the sort of things that were surely said).

Another problem is that I know full well NM is expecting things to proceed. She likely has this scene in her mind of me, dh and ds sitting in her living room on holidays and other family occasions. It's probably much like something out of a Norman Rockwell painting with us - NM, NSJ, NHS, NBIL and their two kids and dh, ds and I - all one, big, happy family. I know that will never happen. It's not even a question of maybe. It will not happen - not now, not ever. 

In all honesty, I don't even know if I can ever progress to hanging out with her face-to-face again. I think about it from time to time and, in certain circumstances, I have to admit that, yes, it would be nice. However, the reality is that chatting via IM is one thing but talking on the phone and face-to-face interactions are a whole different ballgame. I don't want to be deliberately cruel regardless of whether NM "deserves it" or not and so I don't want to lead her on... Then again, I'm not even 100% sure where I see this "relationship" going so....?

I'm still glad I responded to her initial IM and that I got the opportunity to talk to her and catch up a bit. I guess I'm just feeling confused about where I want this relationship to go, what the point of proceeding (if any) would be, etc.

Oh, to have a normal mother instead of an NM! It sure would make things a HELL of a lot less complicated! LOL


  1. Take care whatever you decide.If you do call, decide beforehand how long you are going to be on the phone, and have some stock answers to use for things you don't want to reply to. Devise some safe topics to talk about.Don't give out a lot of information, keep things neutral, and light. Social chit chat, stuff like that.Stay in the here and now. Remember too, that,'I don't know' is an acceptable answer. If you want to block a question, be vague. Don't get embroiled in explanations/discussions about yours, or anyone else's behaviour. Any sense of discomfort, end the call politely but firmly. xxxxx Good luck.I'm on LC with my dad but have gone NC with ALL of my siblings, who are missing their scapegoat. Tough! xx

  2. Nyssa offers some great advice. I've found that my NM is much easier to get along with when we are far, far apart. Other side of the world was good, but impractical. Since you're happy and comfortable with the IM, enjoy it. An opportunity to do more will present itself, and you will have the right to pursue it or not. You are making some important progress.

  3. Only thing that came to mind beyond Nyssa and Judy's suggestion is the one I am learning that "No" is a complete sentence. I was raised with always having to explain myself the concept of using the word No without an explanation is a work in progress but the first attempts are going fairly well. Choosing your own pace is good. Your needs are important.