Monday, July 11, 2011

Flipping PISSED...

No, not at NM. At my IL's.

So here's the of dh's cousins (we'll call him "Wayne" as a means of protecting the guilty) came into town Saturday evening with his three kids from the Chicago area, I think it is. He just announced he was coming a couple weeks previous, didn't tell anyone WHEN exactly so no one knew specifically when to expect him. Anyways, so he calls a few minutes outside of town Saturday evening and says he's almost there. Now, it had been agreed, when ds went over to my IL's that morning, that they'd bring him home early as a) he went over there a bit earlier than usual and b) ds had requested to come home early so as to have time to play his new video game with dh and I. MIL tried to get me to let him stay til 8pm because "she wanted him to visit with Wayne and his kids". I said NO and insisted they have him back at 5:30pm. Now, before any of you think me over-reacting, let me tell you this...

Wayne and his wife split about a year ago. In recent months, he's been arrested and jailed for abusing his one baby daughter. Supposedly he left bruises all up and down her rear end after spanking her. In addition to that, the guy just gives off some VERY bad, creepy vibes. He just strikes me as totally inappropriate, specifically with regard to kids. For example, he recently posted a pic on FB of him in the bathtub with his young children. (He had a bathing suit on but the kids were nude.) I reported it to FB who made him take it down. I mentioned my feelings to dh and was kind of surprised to find he felt exactly the same way about the guy.

Anyways so dh's parents - mostly his mom - have been pressuring him to come visit and hang out with family, etc. Yesterday, dh and I were busy cleaning up our house. It was a total disaster what with cleaning out all our closets and then having to clear out various rooms to treat the carpet for fleas recently, etc. Not dirty, just really, really messy, ya know? So MIL calls yesterday and tries to guilt dh into coming over and he says that we're busy cleaning right now, maybe we'll come over later if we have time. Needless to say, we spent ALL day cleaning hard and were pooped though, to be honest, we wouldn't have gone over even if we hadn't been tired because, again, we don't like the guy and don't want to see him much less have our child around him. BUT, rather than be rude, dh just planned to say we were tired and would have to catch him next time he was in town and then give his parents the full disclosure later when Wayne was gone. 
Well, the phone rings around 7:20pm last night and shows my IL's number so ds answers thinking it's them. (He always answers with the speaker phone so I can hear what's going on, be said, etc.) Turns out it was Wayne. Immediately Wayne sets in to ds - playing around but creepy like, ya know? - with "Why haven't you come to see me today?" DS, not knowing who it was or what to say, was all like, "I don't know." So then Wayne says, "Well tell your daddy to get dressed and bring you over to your Nana's to see me." I mentioned to dh that it was only an hour and a half until ds' bedtime and ds, hearing that, says to Wayne, "I can't. I have to go to bed in an hour and a half." Then, pissing me off royally, Wayne says to ds, "Oh, NO you don't! You can stay up! Tell your dad to bring you to see me. You need to come see me for a bit." At that point, I stood up to take the phone from ds because I do NOT like anyone trying to manipulate my kid and/or telling him he doesn't have to listen to his parents or adhere to the rules, etc. but then ds tosses the phone at dh and says, "I'm done talking." I followed to play with ds and left dh to handle the call.

Dh said we were just really tired and couldn't make it tonight, sorry we'd missed seeing him (Wayne) but we'd just have to catch him later. Then Wayne asks to speak to me. (I know...WTH, right?) Dh, strongly suspecting that they were all thinking it was ME who wouldn't let dh go visit over there and that Wayne was hoping to talk some sense into me, said, "She's right here. Here, I'll put you on speaker phone." Wayne, stammering at not knowing what to do, just said to me, "Hey." I said hello back and then he says that he just wanted to hear my voice and make sure I was okay. (Again, WTF???) I said, "I'm just fine thank you." and then excused myself and walked off. Dh hung up shortly after.

Not even a couple minutes later, the phone rings again and it's MIL wanting to know if we're coming over. (WTFH is WRONG with these people??!!) Dh tells her NO, says again that we're just both really tired and that we'll see Wayne another time. Shortly after that, he hangs up. Not even ten minutes after THAT, the phone rings AGAIN. It's Wayne again, wanting to know if it's okay if they all come over to OUR house. Dh says, "NO thank you. We're not up for company right now.", says goodbye and hangs up. A couple minutes later, you guessed it, it's Wayne again, this time laying the guilt on thick and pushing dh hard to bring ds over for just fifteen minutes. Dh, stupidly, agrees and says they'll be there shortly.

Upon hearing dh's end of the conversation, I say to him, "What did you just do?" He says that he agreed to take ds over there for 15 minutes. I stood my ground and said, "Absolutely NOT. NO WAY is ds going with you." I then asked dh, "All things aside, do you WANT to go over there and see Wayne?" Dh says to me, "Honestly? No. Not a bit." So I said to him, "Then don't go. Don't allow them to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do. If you WANT to go, then go but if you don't, stand your ground and tell them firmly NO." I also mentioned how he might want to consider that, despite his and my having said no several times already, that none of them had listened and kept pushing. 
I read a book recently (the title slips my mind at the moment) from a guy who's worked with several law enforcement units, including the FBI, and who now helps people protect themselves. One thing that really stood out to me in that book was a quote that read something like, "When a person refuses to accept your no, they are trying to control you." I mentioned that to dh as well, he said, "You know're 100% right." He called back and said he'd reconsidered and, sorry, but we wouldn't be coming after all.

Forward to today, not so much as a PEEP from my IL's which is HIGHLY unusual. They are usually calling here multiple times a day to talk to ds over the course of the day. So I KNEW something was up and that they were avoiding calling here, most likely to avoid speaking to me. Dh calls just a bit ago and says his dad called him at work and wanted to know if dh was coming over, that Wayne had stayed over another day and really wanted to see us and ds. Now, mind you, FIL would NEVER normally call dh at work unless it was an emergency - and even then he usually calls me - because he strongly feels that it's inappropriate to bother dh at work. In talking with dh, I asked him flat out if his dad had mentioned anything about me. Dh said no but I just have this feeling that there's something that WAS said but dh doesn't want to tell me, probably to spare my feelings or whatever.

I've suspected for some time, as I've mentioned to you all before I believe, that my IL's don't much like me and that they prefer a girl like my SIL. This was confirmed by me when I broached the subject with MIL under the guise of some rude comment NSM had made to me in that regard. Rather than deny that she feels that way, MIL instead made excuses/gave reasons why it was understandable she felt that way! Though he won't admit some comment was made, dh did state that he feels his parents think it's all MY doing that he didn't go over there last night, like I'm some kind of controlling wench who won't let her husband do as he pleases. As if! I have news for them, even if I WANTED to control dh in that way - which I most definitely do NOT - I couldn't. Dh has NEVER been a follower in all the 15+ years I've known him. He can be a peace-at-all-costs guy occasionally, but has always been one to do what he wants. Yes, he takes my feelings into consideration - as he should - but, ultimately, if he really wants to do something, he will, regardless of what I say.

At this point, I'm just done with my freaking IL's. The plan had been to sell our house and move out there and take over their house and they were to add on an attached IL suite. FIL had proposed the arrangement to dh as something that would help them out considerably as FIL wants to be out of town for long periods of time hunting and fishing but doesn't feel right about leaving MIL behind for such long stretches. This way, we'd be out there to keep an eye on things and to help in an emergency. It would be mutually beneficial though as dh and I would no longer have a mortgage payment, nor the amount of bills that we have now. Needless to say, we will NOT be moving out there!! To hell with doing them any favors! In fact, to hell with them altogether! 
I will continue to encourage a relationship between them and ds because, at this time, I feel it's in ds' best interests and I will go over there and be pleasant and polite when required but I will NOT go out of my way for them anymore. I am who I am and, you know what? Dh married me BECAUSE I speak my mind and am not a doormat to him, not in spite of it! As much as I'd love to have their approval, I will NOT be someone I'm not and/or sell my soul to be just like my sister in law, wonderful though she may be (and is). If they don't like it, they can kiss my YANKEE ass. I am d-o-n-e, DONE with them both. Asshats!

Oh, forgot to mention the best part! Dh was talking to his BIL earlier via email and BIL sent dh this email about what went on when he went over to visit at my IL's house last night:

Swing by for 30 min and they will not bother you anymore. It's actually fun. I was about to bust a gut yesterday. Dad was picking on two of the kids and made one cry. A and T got the kids some gifts one of the boys got a crappy one and it didn't work. Wayne told him that they didn't love him as much as the others and that's why he got the crappy one. And he cried for a while. Sounds mean, kinda was.
Oh sure, let's go over to my inlaws' tonight and mentally and emotionally abuse some kids! Sounds like real fun! Nothing triggering for my PTSD there! Are you freaking KIDDING me??! Am so glad I wasn't there last night because I would NOT have been able to keep quiet and may well have gotten myself banned from their house permanently over that crap. Making kids cry for "jollies" is NOT "fun" in any context. It is SICK and FUCKED UP, not to mention sadistic and I seriously question the personality of anyone who believes otherwise. The ONLY reason I would continue to allow my son to be around FIL after this is because I believe that he would never treat his own grandchildren that way. Even still, I'm seriously questioning letting him be over there without dh or I present anymore.

So far, we haven't heard anything else from any of them over there. Dh thinks maybe they finally took the hint. I think they're just biding their time and we'll likely either hear from the tonight or MIL and FIL (and Wayne?) will show up unannounced tomorrow while they know dh is at work. I'm actually quite surprised they didn't call and give me shit today about not letting my dh go and see his family, blah blah.

Fucking assholes.


  1. Run away! Far, far away!! That man is sick. The books sounds like "The Gift of Fear," by Gavin de Becker. Excellent book. Your radar was going off. Your dh's radar was going off, and even your child's radar was going off. I am so glad you listened to yourselves and not the abusers. Anyone who thinks it's funny to make a child cry is an abuser. I swore if I ever had children of my own, I would never leave them with my NM, EF, or BPB. People like that cannot be trusted, ever. GOOD FOR YOU!! Hang in there!

  2. @ Judy - Yes! That's the book, "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker! Thank you!! :)

  3. wow anybody who clamors that much after a no, REALLY deserves a no! hahaha i really do not understand why your mother in law would WANT you to bring your kids over to be in the presence of this tried and true convict. what kind of...grandma is that.
    omg, i just understood the blue part. it didnt hit me that 'bust a gut' would meant busting a gut LAUGHING. contextualy, i was sure it meant he was angry. omg. i didnt understand the blue part before i went back up and read thru the rest of your story, omg. wow. its so surreal it makes me laugh. omg. yeah, my ass.
    just wow. omg. omg. just wow. wtf.

  4. Wow, sounds like that entire side of the family is a bunch of flying monkeys. If I've learned anything from BBC DWILs, it's the phrase, No, that doesn't work for us. Sorry your DH threw you under the bus with the phone calls. Glad you stood up to him and corrected things. I don't think you have to justify or explain to anyone why you don't want to see the creep. I think it is very difficult for people who have been manipulated their entire lives by Narcissistic parents to stand up to other manipulators. I'm lucky I don't have ILs, but I'm still terrible at it with coworkers, friends, etc. Thankfully I have DH around to ask if I really want to do the things I find myself agreeing to do. One thing I appreciate about my DH is he is very blunt and doesn't take s*%t from anybody. At times I think he is being too harsh, but he is usually right. I have started backtracking on a lot of my promises and offers, and have begun to realize that's ok too.

  5. I agree with Judy. Good listening to your own inner feelings. Well done. Making children cry as sport is not the kind of person I want to be around. I worked hard at teaching my kids that teasing is only fun if everyone is enjoying it. And I don't mean the fake kind when you laugh to survive. Yup. I was a super strict mom. Some days I wish I had been more protective but I guess there are some things you just can't do to protect your little people.

  6. @ Lisa - My MIL knows about the child abuse charges and arrest but she blames the guy's evil ex as setting him up and then calling the police on him. Apparently SHE is the only exception to the "evil woman/wife/girlfriend" theory of hers where it's always the WOMAN'S fault.

  7. Was the book:

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