Friday, July 29, 2011

Introducing, my NM...

Okay, not really, but the NM in this video might as well be my NM. (Part two of the clip can be found here.) They have the same facial expressions, the same tone, the same maddening denial of ANY responsibility whatsoever as well as that same mind-boggling complete and total cluelessness as to just what it is they did wrong. My NM has even used many of the same phrases, such as "I didn't know what to do" and "I never did anything to hurt you on purpose!". I also had to laugh at one point when the eldest daughter was talking about how her NM wore an off-white dress to her wedding. Guess whose NM did the exact same thing? (At the time, while out looking for a dress for NM to wear, she had shown me the dress and asked what I thought. I had suggested a couple other non-white dresses but NM seemed to like the off-white one the most so I, being a good little scapegoat at the time, supported NM in what SHE wanted despite the fact it was MY wedding. I'll have to see if I can find a pic, though I'll have to blur every one's face for privacy reasons...)

I had my dh watch these two clips last night when he got home from work. I told him that I wanted him to watch it and hear his thoughts. Beyond that, I said nothing as I didn't want to color his impression in any way. It was about half way through the second video when dh turned to me, eyes wide and mouth agape and said, "Oh my God! This is SO your NM!!!" LOL

I think the most infuriating thing watching this NM on Dr. Phil was seeing the total and complete lack of comprehension on her part as to just what she'd ever done wrong as a mother. In her own mind, and she even says as much on the show, she wasn't just a good mom, she was a GREAT mom. (Another thing, coincidentally, that my NM said except I believe she used the word "perfect" instead of merely "great". *eyeroll*) It is just crazy-making to me to try and conceive how any mother could NOT know that taking her child's bed away or saying to her, as my NM did to me once, that "having a relationship with you is more trouble than it's worth" is hurtful, cruel, wrong, abusive, sickening, etc. These N's clearly know enough about emotions to recognize their own anger and hurt, so why, then, is it so inconceivable to them that others feel similarly? How is it that another person - in this case, our NM's - see others as nothing more than a wooden chair or kitchen table, cold and without emotion? And if that's the case, that they see us as mere "things" instead of human beings, why do they then take the precaution to put on a nice facade for strangers, bosses, etc.?

*sigh* I suppose that, despite how infuriating it is to try and figure out, it's a good thing that we're unable to fully understand because it means that we aren't narcissists and don't think in crazy, dysfunctional ways.

Moving on, to give a mini update about the situation with my NM, I've decided to just take some time and give it some thought as to how I want to proceed. I think I need to really pay attention to all that I'm feeling and try and figure out exactly what it is I'm looking to get out of maintaining contact with my NM. If my expectations are realistic, then maybe it would be okay to continue limited contact with her. Likewise, if my expectations of what I hope to achieve are unrealistic, then it would be wise to walk away and go back to full NC again. In the meantime, I'm just going to take things as they come. My IM service is currently not working so NM can't contact me that way. As for any emails that may arrive, I'll decide whether to read and answer or not based on how I'm feeling at that moment.

Hope you're all having a great day and enjoy the upcoming weekend! It's forecast to be 100 here today which means, with the heat index or whatever, it'll likely feel like 120 outside. WAY too stinking hot for me! I'll be staying comfortably inside with my A/C!



  1. Oh my goodness. I had to stop watching this video, but I want to say thank you for posting it. (I may go back and watch the rest, not sure yet.)

    I have chills. This video is so scary because I see my husband's mother in there. I see my narc ex boyfriend in there. (I believe that you believe I said x). The outright lies, the failure to accept any responsibility, the lack of empathy, the guilting and shaming.

    Oh. My. God.

    Wearing white at her daughter's wedding...

    I know that one too. Bitch MIL wore white at my wedding.

    I'm not a big fan of words like this and I have to apologize now for the offense: What a cunt.

  2. Apparently I'm not the only one...

    "I also had to laugh at one point when the eldest daughter was talking about how her NM wore an off-white dress to her wedding. Guess whose NM did the exact same thing?"


    And wouldn't you know, I've seen NMIL in pictures of other people's wedding...NEVER in white. Because she knows you're not supposed to do that. Your mother did too. As did the mother in this Dr. Phil video.

    Wow. wow. wow.

    Thanks for posting.

  3. Sorry - another note for you - I wish there was some way we could reach out to those two women. I really, REALLY feel for them.

  4. And, the mother brought on the crocodile tears at the very end...

    Oh Mommy, we don't feel bad for you.

  5. I think what is disturbingly insidious is exactly what you said here:

    ... if that's the case, that they see us as mere "things" instead of human beings, why do they then take the precaution to put on a nice facade for strangers, bosses, etc.?

    Company was great because then NM was in benevolent/madam bountiful mode. It was a chance to breath.

  6. Judy, I get the feeling that the mother in this Dr. Phil video was exactly how you just described your mother: in benevolent/madam bountiful mode (as long as others are around to witness it).

    I thought it was really eery (and familiar!) that the NM in the video was ONLY around for special occasions so that she could pose for photos and "act" the loving mother. Man-oh-man, I see NMIL written all over that.

    It's like, "See? See everyone? I was in the photos at my son's wedding! Look at me, there I am! I went, I supported him. See? (And, by the way, don't I look good in my white dress?)"

  7. ick. i could not watch as soon as those 'moms' came on. i heard the word 'brainwash' and i was out of there! i'm pissed they were even given an opportunity to speak their utter bullshit! nothing but toxic spew. roll eyes, like anything they say is worth listening to. who needs this garbage in the world?
    i've come to the conclusion that my mom is not my mom and i want nothing to do with her.

  8. Hoo boy. That struck a chord. The little bit about "if you're so hard up for eleven dollars, why don't you sell your BMW?" - yikes! My mom has earned a good living but has frittered it away and once even had to ask her student daughter (me) for a loan, then had to be chased to pay it back. Ugh.

    When the mother started crying... how typical. Her daughters are describing the pain they suffered as children (and I'll be there are plenty more stories where that came from) and she makes it all about her pain!

    I'm not a Dr Phil fan but I appreciated that he called it correctly: the mother is incapable of addressing her daughter's concerns and they are wasting their time. So often we ACoNs are advised to just try harder, be more patient and forgiving, keep treading water.

  9. Chose not to watch the video (feeling a bit fragile myself) but I will take your word for it. One of the narcissistics in my life raked me over the coals and then was furios with me that I didn't tell them that someone else was in the house and heard every scathing word. Why was it my fault that their bad behvior was observed by someone else? My NM and NMIL made my wedding day so bad that I refused to have any of the pictures enlarged or put in a book. I did save them but they are buried deep. The change in behavior when other people are around tells me that at some level they are conscious of what they are doing. I am learning low contact. My latest counselor is helping me to understand that my mother is NOT my responsibility. Good luck on your choices. As a suggestion, keep in mind that modifying your plan is always possible. Take good care of yourself. You deserve it. :)

  10. Oh. My. Gosh.

    Thanks for posting the video. Those poor, poor daughters. I want to reach out to them, hug them, let them know that they are not alone ... and to please stop hoping that NM will understand. She won't, but that doesn't mean healing can't begin.

    Argh. What a horrid mother. I can see mine crying, too, about how wonderful she was ... but to be honest, my mother is far sneakier than this NM. Mine would look so sweet and gentle, and be far more covert in her replies. Double argh.

  11. I probably shouldn't have watched that... but I couldn't resist. Ugh... my stomach is all upset right now and I feel all tense... just like it is when the Dragon is around.

    That video is her... 100% minus the perfect hair. The phrases, the body language, the dramatic sobs, the "I was a wonderful mother!" crap. I can remember totally wanting to smack the shit out of her when she'd pull that "See how close NON and I are? We have the perfect relationship!" shit in front of people and then revert to her usual "It's all about me" self as soon as the company left.


  12. The second part was very telling - where Dr. Phil asked her "Do you want to win the argument" and the mom said "No, I just want them to understand I'm not 100% to blame" and he replies "So, what you are saying is you want to win the argument." He wouldn't let her off the hook and she wouldn't relent or acknowledge her daughters' feelings. It was excuse after excuse.

    The youngest daughter said something I really relate to. She said she was 38 years old, but when she is around her mother she felt like she was 11 - and that she felt she was responsible for her mother's feelings.

    As difficult as it was to watch, thanks for sharing this DA.

  13. Thanks for posting these videos. Yes, it was painful to watch those "girls" and also remember what I went through with my own NM. The only difference was my NM would huff and puff, shout insults and then stomp off and defame me to relatives and friends. This woman is much more cunning but we can still see right through her. She even brought out the excuse my mother did "I was abused/neglected". That's supposed to be the justification for continuing the abuse. I don't really think there's any hope for this woman, but maybe I'm wrong. I hope so, for everyone's sake. My mother never changed until the day she died at 86-1/2 years old. Let that be a warning or a suggestion to those who think they can reason with these beasts of burden.

  14. As difficult it was to watch...we certainly are part because these mothers are of no distance to our own.

    Thanks for posting this....very, and disturbing....helpful! We need more of this. The publics general knowledge of Narcissism and NMs is poor. It's always an issue of "LOve your mother, she's your mother."

    Yeah, toxic as hell.

    Lady Nyo (Lady on DoNMs)

  15. Wow! My sister contacted the Dr Phil show some time ago and they called her to see if we three sisters and NM wanted to be on the show. I told my sister it would kill NM and we probably shouldn't! Thanks for this post. I have nothing but admiration for those daughters. To call her out in public must have been a wake up call for so many! Bravo!

  16. Like so many others, I also saw my mother in the clip. But what else I saw in the clip was a woman whose identity, whose very self-worth, was on the verge of collapsing. Not that I feel sorry for her. But didn't you all notice that she was incapable of doing what Dr. Phil asked her to do because if she did, it would shred her last thread of self-worth as a human being? I think at one point she even said she was incapable of comforting them because she herself had never been comforted.

    This show just reaffirmed my belief that the underlying reason for narcissist behavior is deep insecurity. This woman clearly felt like nobody was taking the time to understand her feelings; she clearly felt attacked and undervalued for whatever value she brought to her daughters, even if it was the mere act of birthing them. All she could feel was her own pain.

    I feel sorry for a person like that. Somebody made her feel so worthless when she was a child that she continues to seek to reaffirm her worth, even at the expense of her children. She cannot admit any wrongdoing because to do so would be to admit worthlessness. She might as well kill herself. I hope these women get the help they need to see this behavior has nothing to do with their value as human beings, or their capacity to be loved or mothered.