Friday, July 8, 2011

A transcript of my IM convo with NM yesterday...


Jul 07 5:04 PM
NM:Hello!

Jul 07 5:06 PM
Me:Hi.

Jul 07 5:06 PM
NM:Happy Birthday-belated, but all the love is there! I miss you XX

Jul 07 5:06 PM
Me:Thank you. I miss you too.

Jul 07 5:07 PM
Me:And of course I love you.

Jul 07 5:07 PM
NM:Are we ever going to be together again? I miss my antique shopping buddy

Jul 07 5:09 PM
Me:I don't know. Honestly, I've thought many times of contacting you but I just cannot go back to the way things were. I don't like feeling like I'm never good enough, that no matter what I do, it's wrong. It hurts.

Jul 07 5:10 PM
Me:I tried so hard, so many times to get you to understand but it always seemed to be about YOU. I get where you're coming from in some ways but, in others, I just feel like when is it ever about ME, MY pain, MY feelings, etc.?

Jul 07 5:11 PM
Me:I try to tell you - all four of you, I mean - how I feel and all I ever seem to get in response is, "Oh yeah, well what about ME? Haven't *I* been hurt?" I don't dispute that but I need to be heard too.

Jul 07 5:13 PM
NM:DA, it has never been my goal in life-ever, to hurt you or make you feel bad. There's alot I just don't get, or understand about our relationship. One thing I can promise is that I will listen-and not "talk" over you.

Jul 07 5:15 PM
Me:I want so badly to believe that but, if I may be perfectly honest here, it's hard to accept that when all that you, NSJ and NHS have been saying about me the past couple years gets back to me. I am not a liar, I am not a thief and I've certainly never attempted to destroy anyone's life, nor does anyone have any reason to stay away from me. And while I may have anxiety issues and have recently been diagnosed with PTSD, I do NOT have serious mental issues that would also warrant my being labeled "dangerous" to be around or associate with.
 
Jul 07 5:20 PM
NM:As much as I love you-our past conversations have been frustrating don't you think? I'll work on it with you, but please just don't expect me to be perfect. I am who I am-just as you are who you are. We both have to learn to except each other the way we are-crazy or not! Re: your last comment-I don't know who's been talking to you, but NHS and NSJ know that I'm not going to tolerate any bad-mouthing. At first-yes, but no one says anything to me at least, and NHS doesn't really talk to Aunt N or GM.
Jul 07 5:22 PM
Me:I've gotten reports back, mostly early on, from pretty much everyone on our side of the family and, for a long time, everyone except nancy refused to speak to me. Aunt S still will have nothing to do with me and while I do speak again with Uncle C and GM, it's very tentatively.

Jul 07 5:22 PM
NM:and they have said that to me also.

Jul 07 5:23 PM
Me:Yes, our conversations have been frustrating. For the record, I've never expected you to be perfect and I don't now. I'm not going to go back into all my issues with you because I've said it all before and you should know by now how I feel.

Jul 07 5:24 PM
NM:Aunt S doesn't have much to do about anyone besides her dh, and now her 2 new babies-new grandchild (so cute), and her new puppy.

Jul 07 5:24 PM
Me:They've said that I've badmouthed you? Because I have not said a thing to anyone. I have mentioned a couple things to Aunt N early on but it wasn't badmouthing, just stating the facts as I saw them. In fact, I've gone out of my way NOT to badmouth you to anyone, and that includes ds.

Jul 07 5:25 PM
NM:NO, No nobody has badmouthed you to me.

Jul 07 5:25 PM
Me:Oh.

Jul 07 5:27 PM
NM:I'm sitting here trying to say the right things to you. I can't believe that your name popped up under (nephew's) name. I didn't know if it was a joke or not

Jul 07 5:29 PM
Me:That's kind of the thing. I don't want you to say something because you think it's what I want to hear. I want you to speak from your heart and I want us to be open and honest with one another. The part I can't handle is the constant criticisms, the defending NSJ and NHS and their actions to me, the blaming of everything that is wrong between you and I as being totally and 100% mine and my dad's fault and you 100% blameless.

Jul 07 5:30 PM
Me:You sat here in my living room back in January of 2010 and stated flat out that you have never done anything wrong besides allowing me to abuse and disrespect you. It's ALWAYS mine and my dad's fault with you, always and that's just not reality.

Jul 07 5:31 PM
Me:Be right back. Gotta pee.
Jul 07 5:32 PM
Me:Okay. I'm back.

Jul 07 5:35 PM
Me:For the record, I think you have good reason to feel about my father the way you do. I don't deny that and even understand it far better than you think. But I do not now, nor have I ever treated a person, you included, badly because someone else told me I should. I don't talk to my dad about you (actually, I don't talk to him at all anymore, if I'm to be honest) and I wouldn't tolerate him badmouthing you anymore than I tolerated you talking badly about him. I love you both equally and it hurts me to hear the other spoken badly about even if it was/is the truth, deserved, etc.

Jul 07 5:36 PM
Me:My feelings toward you are 100% based on my interactions with you. Period.

Jul 07 5:37 PM
NM:DA-again, I'm not perfect. However, you've never been 100% the one at fault, but neither one of us are totally blameless. I've been wrong talking about your dad and NSM-hopefully I will keep my mouth shut. Let's try to start over and be totally honest with each other. If I say or do something wrong-tell me at that moment what I'm doing etc.

Jul 07 5:37 PM
Me:Just as my feelings toward dad are 100% based on my interactions with him and a result of his actions/behavior.

Jul 07 5:37 PM
NM:You're writing faster than me!!!!!!!!!

Jul 07 5:39 PM
NM:Guess what I did the first of the year?...had my eyebrows fixed, so they look more even! Did it hurt-hell yes!!!

Jul 07 5:40 PM
Me:I've admitted that I'm not 100% blameless and I don't think I've ever said that I was. As to my telling you in the moment when you've done something to upset me, we've tried that before and it did not work. You either told me why I was wrong, why I shouldn't feel that way or it was, "Well you don't think you upset me too?!" (Sorry if that's harsh but I'm trying to be 100% honest here.)

Jul 07 5:41 PM
Me:Before you get too far ahead of yourself here, I want to state flat out that my talking to you here today does not mean that I'm ready to jump back into things with you again. I'm also not ready to see you yet or talk on the phone. I would feel okay however with the occasional email being sent back and forth or with sending you some pictures of my house, ds, etc.

Jul 07 5:43 PM
Me:I've only just started back with a new therapist in recent months and been diagnosed as having PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). I've addressed the topic of getting back in touch with you with my therapist and she said that she thinks it's totally possible but it's going to take time and I still need time to heal and work on myself. I spent too long trying to please everyone else and putting everyone else ahead of myself and my health has suffered for it. I need to do this for myself and I hope you can understand and respect that.

Jul 07 5:50 PM
NM:I understand what you're saying. I really would love some pics of ds. He must be getting so big now. I miss you and him very much. I can only promise you that I will listen-with both ears. I don't know if I'm ready to see you on a daily basis yet either. I have been hurt by this episode-very much. I resent (your dh) on the last time I saw him. I understand that he was defending you-still didn't like his playing "therapist" with me. I also will never be friendly toward MIL and FIL again. For MIL being so religious-that's a crock! I will never trust them again!

Jul 07 5:53 PM
NM:Re: the eyebrows...not the eyebrow itself-but the fatty piece beneath it.
 
Jul 07 5:54 PM
Me:I'm sorry you've been hurt. That was never my intention. When I walked away, I did so NOT to hurt you or get at you but because it was what I needed to do FOR ME. As you said, dh was just defending me but I wouldn't take it personally. Lest you forget, he admonished me a few times during that conversation too! As for my IL's, they have their issues but they love me and FIL especially is protective of me. I will say that other than reporting back things that were said, they've never been malicious or badmouthed you in any way. FIL said he's seen you and NSJ in (grocery store) several times and always says hey.
Jul 07 5:54 PM
Me:Oh, I thought you meant you'd had them tattooed or something! LOL I bet they look nice. Glad you were finally able to have them done. I know you'd been wanting it for a while.

Jul 07 5:55 PM
Me:Don't know if you heard but BIL and SIL just had a little boy a few weeks ago. His name is B and he is ADORABLE. SIL had bad complications, including a stroke and we almost lost her. Thankfully, our prayers were answered and SIL is back at home enjoying her new baby with BIL.

Jul 07 5:57 PM
NM:I"m very sorry to hear about SIL's troubles, but glad to hear that she's well now and has a baby. FIL has spoken to NSJ, but I've walked on past him-he's never said anything to me

Jul 07 5:58 PM
NM:How old is the baby?

Jul 07 5:58 PM
Me:3 weeks.

Jul 07 5:59 PM
NM:OMG! that's so young-I thought you meant that this happened a while back!

Jul 07 5:59 PM
Me:No. She just got home a few days ago.

Jul 07 5:59 PM
Me:She had a leak in her spinal fluid which triggered a seizure and then had four small blood clots in her brain which cause a very minor stroke.

Jul 07 6:00 PM
Me:She seems back to normal now but can't drive due to the seizures.

Jul 07 6:00 PM
Me:She's not having anymore but just in case.

Jul 07 6:01 PM
Me:Don't know if you've seen any recent pictures of me but I've lost about 50 pounds now. I now weigh less than I did at my wedding. In fact, my wedding dress is slightly big on me! I had to go buy a bunch of new clothes and take in a lot of my old ones. I'm a 12/14 now, down from a 18/20.
Jul 07 6:03 PM
Me:MIL's mom also died recently. I think it's been 3 months now? We miss Nanny a lot. Apparently she had a stroke and then another more severe one and just never recovered.

Jul 07 6:04 PM
NM:It seems that NSJ and I may be doing some traveling again this summer/fall. There's quite a large (huge amount) of gas to be gotten out of the West by God Virginia area and so NSJ may be sent up thar, but I'd stay with grandma. Or, they're sending some guys up to Vancouver again-ton of work there-time will tell. I did see that you'd lost weight, and that you've let your hair grow long! The last pic I saw of you was just a small one at grandma's last summer-you look great!

Jul 07 6:05 PM
Me:Thanks. Actually, I've cut my hair shorter again. I really liked it long but it took so long to blow dry and style so I got it cut shorter again.

Jul 07 6:06 PM
NM:I knew Nanny died-Aunt N told me. That's the only thing she HAS told me!!!

Jul 07 6:07 PM
NM:Actually-I've gained weight! Not a whole lot-but too much for me!!!

Jul 07 6:07 PM
Me:We're actually planning to move out to (nearby town), the sooner the better for me. I've had it with this house. IL's are giving us the title to their house and will be adding on a small, attached inlaw suite with it's own living, kitchen, bath and bed areas so it'd be kind of like a duplex arrangement. MIL will be over at BIL and SIL's most of the time taking care of B when SIL goes back to work in another 4 weeks or so and FIL plans to go out of town for long periods hunting and fishing. We're going to take the money we get from this place and totally overhaul their place and make it our own, plus by new furniture, etc. Probably the closest we'll ever get to building our dream home.

Jul 07 6:08 PM
NM:I'm going to start back to the gym and look into the Zumba classes!

Jul 07 6:08 PM
Me:We're just waiting for the property at the beach to sell so FIL has the funds to use for the addition and then we're putting this house up for sale and getting the hell out of dodge. I've been VERY busy completely redecorating the house the past year or so and have been working extra hard lately to finish up little things here and there.

Jul 07 6:09 PM
Me:I'd considered taking a Zumba class. It looks fun. I plan to start back with bellydance as soon as I have some money again, but not with D or J.

Jul 07 6:10 PM
NM:That sounds great about the house-best part is no mortgage-or at least a large mortgage. I can't fault them for being good to you guys-you're very fortunate.
 
Jul 07 6:11 PM
Me:Yes, we are fortunate. Their house is paid off so we'd get to put that money into savings and build up our savings again. Since dh's boss cut insurance coverage for me and ds, the premiums eat up a lot of our extra money. Then we needed an extra car since ds is starting kindergarten this year which eats up the rest.
Jul 07 6:12 PM
NM:I considered belly dancing again-but I had to stop because it was killing my back. What kind of car did you get?

Jul 07 6:12 PM
Me:Aside from a minor speech issue - stuttering - ds is actually showing that he may be gifted. We're looking forward to the formal testing coming up this year so we'll know for sure.

Jul 07 6:13 PM
Me:We got a ----- truck from a girl dh works with who's going through a divorce and wanted to unload it. We got it for half what it's worth. We lucked out big time.

Jul 07 6:13 PM
NM:That's wonderful! on both accounts!

Jul 07 6:14 PM
Me:(Dog's name) is still hanging in there, poor old girl. She's not doing so good anymore though. She's on mega pain meds for hip dysplasia and arthritis pain and also has Cushing's disease ontop of the lymphoma she was found to have when we had that lump biopsied a few years back. Then, this last big snow, she blew out her left rear knee so now has a permanent limp and can no longer get up onto the couch or into the car by herself. She's still quite spunky though and isn't showing any signs that it's time quite yet so Dr. B just agrees to keep her comfy until the time comes.
 
Jul 07 6:20 PM
NM:I guess I will go and start dinner-I still hate to cook. I hate to say goodbye - I love you so very much and want to make this work for you and me. I have asked grandma or Aunt N from time to time about (dog's name)-nobody knew anything. My granddog! Give ds and the dog a hug from me. Take care of you and we'll talk again whenever you're ready-you write me when you want to. I'm willing to talk whenever you want to. Hey..we've just had a conversation and no problems! See we can do it. Love Mom XX


~~~

And there you have it. Our IM convo. There were a couple of things that jumped out at me but I'll post my feelings on that in a separate post later on. I have this stupid headache right now that won't seem to go completely away and it's driving me nuts!

4 comments:

  1. Ugh - posted a comment and got an error :(

    There were three points
    1) Nice job steering the conversation. There were points where your mom tried to divert the topic from the uncomfortable emotional honesty, but you held your ground.

    And even so, she acknowledged most of what you said and expressed wanting to work it out.

    2) There are similarities between the relationship you had with your mom and the one I had with mine. When I read this dialog it gives me hope I can have a dialog like this with her some day

    3) After reading this, I think IM is the perfect middle ground for communication. Its not as "one sided" as e-mail, but still protects one from being "yelled over" in live conversation.

    ReplyDelete
  2. i still hate your mom. she is a bitch. i guess i don't need to point that out, since thats what all these blogs are about. your mom is a bitch. i haven't even read or cant recall reading any specific posts of your mom talking, but well she is well-known bitch, hallelujah.
    you know what i'm talking about, the paragraph of 'as much as i love you, our convos are frustrating. bladdy bladdy lets EXCEPT each other.' blameless. blameless my ass.
    thats what narcs do. it's either your fault. or of course the 'hey it's everybody's fault'.
    PSH.
    PUH LEAZE. ick.
    this conversation was boring. you have to stand there talking like a robot cause the other person is too much of an idiot to hear you. enunciate all you want, but a bitch is a bitch. i can just feeel the tension, in you. you're wary cause you know what she does. she ain't going to change. she's exactly the same. 'oh daughter, of course i love you, i want this to work! i want this to work for me and you!"
    HAH. HAH. HAH.
    you know she's just saying that.
    its not real, it's words. :\. well, it is what it is.
    it's like once someone breaks your trust, there isn't any going back. everything they say after they showed you what they really think of you, it's all just blah blah blah. they just ran over your heart with a firetruck, and there they are, still yapping away, 'i got my eyebrows waxed!'.
    all you wanna say is, goodbye.

    i'm looking forward to you dissecting this bitch. uh i mean, talking about your feelings.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This part really jumped out at me:

    "I have been hurt by this episode-very much. I resent (your dh) on the last time I saw him."

    This episode? She makes it sound like you're a child and you've thrown a tantrum. She makes it sound like you'll get over it, if she just lets you kick your feet and flail your arms for a little while. Worse, she makes it sound like it's all your fault.

    I also didn't like that fact that she resents your DH. That's a bad sign, in my opinion. If she resents him, for whatever reason, then she is a breeding grounds for poor behavior. If she resents him, then she can't respect him. I feel that's a bad place to be putting you in.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I've seen your blog but haven't read many posts. I stopped by today for some reason and saw that you had recently been diagnosed with PTSD. I was also diagnosed with PTSD late last year and it has been such a relief to finally know what is (and isn't!) wrong with me. My therapist has been treating me with EMDR. The treatment has been really effective, but I am still dealing with triggers and messages.

    My mother is also a Narcissist and was abusive toward me growing up. I made a committment this year to start blogging more about my experiences. I am interested in hearing more about your PTSD. Please visit my blog if you want to read what's going on with me. I would love to connect.

    ReplyDelete