Well, I finally heard from NM...

Got this short but sweet little ditty in my email inbox last night:

Hi-Would it be okay with you, if I stopped by on Thursday afternoon? I have an Easter gift for [ds] that I'd like to give him.

Mom

I find this irritating for many reasons. First and foremost, in ds' four years on this earth, this would be the first time NM has ever gotten him anything for Easter. Ever. Secondly, why NOW? Three months of dead silence and acting as if I don't exist anymore and now suddenly she's all sunshine and peaches and wants to stop by for a little visit bearing gifts for ds? Thirdly, why Thursday? Well, because NM knows that dh gets home early on Fridays and she's hoping to get me alone thereby ensuring the best chance of bullying me into submission. Lastly, if getting a gift to ds is so damned important, knowing we aren't speaking, why not just post it to ds?

But, of course, we all know the REAL reason for this little email - NM is running short on supply and needs a "fix". The extended FOO is probably tired of her rants about me by now and has begun telling her "Enough already." and NHS is probably drying up too. Therefore, NM is coming in search of her (past) best source of supply - ME.

I talked to dh a while after reading the email and told him I'd decided I did not want NM coming by the house and I didn't want any gifts from her either. Since dh had previously agreed to handle NM and any other FOO issues after our last talk with NM, I didn't see a problem with wanting him to be the one to contact NM on my behalf. Apparently, I thought wrong.

Dh seems to see no problem with allowing NM to stop by for a visit provided he's here at the time. In his words, I am "withholding" ds from my NM and preventing him from having a relationship with her. I told him he's damn right I'm withholding ds from NM - but not to be malicious. Rather, I'm doing it to PROTECT him. Furthermore, I asked dh just what in the hell it was that ds was supposedly missing out on? Being abused, mistreated and being made to feel small, stupid, insignificant and unloved the way I was made to feel? Ds gets MORE than enough love and grandparent time with my IL's who love him and respect me as ds' mother and a human being.

I went on to add that if NM supposedly cares so damn much and wants a relationship so badly with ds then WHY, pray tell, hasn't she tried to see him in three months? NOT A WORD from her for THREE MONTHS and, prior to that, during our last talk with her, dh basically offered her full access to ds provided she came here to see him and NM flat out said she wasn't interested. Why? Because she doesn't WANT to come HERE to see him, she wants to be able to take him to her house and/or out on her own.

Dh asked what it would take for me to be willing to let NM see ds and I told him, "She can START with a sincere apology." "For what specifically?", dh asked. "Gee, I don't know," I said. "How about allowing me to be abused by her pig husband and my NHS. Abusing me herself. Never being there or supporting me, ever. Need I go on? Any of the above would suffice as a start." Dh still maintained I was apparently being unreasonable for not being willing to allow NM to visit with ds.

I tell you, last night and today have pretty much been hell. The last time dh and I spoke to NM three months ago, the way he talked after NM left, I felt like he finally got it a little. He finally saw her for what she was and was finally on my side. Those feelings only intensified when he said he'd be handling any fallout from my NM or FOO from there on out. For the past three months, I've felt so loved and protected. For the first time ever, it didn't feel like it was me vs. the world. I was part of a TEAM. Until last night. When dh betrayed me by taking NM's side and pulled the rug out from under me and left me alone. When I needed him most.

Worst of all, dh kept maintaining the entire time that he supposedly supports me 100%. Ummm....HOW exactly??

I'm hoping to talk to dh tonight after ds goes to bed and at least get him to agree to trust that my decisions are made with good reason, even if he doesn't understand. And let's face it, who can truly understand unless they've been there? Unless you've lived the chaos and trauma that life with an NM brings with it, you can't truly understand. But the fact that I've gone so far as to completely disinherit my NM in my Will and took the extra measure to specify that, in the event of my death, I didn't want NM, NHS, SJ or BIL to have any contact with my child(ren) whatsoever ought to say a lot.

I'll let you all know how it goes. Wish me luck.

DA

Dreams of FOO...

More often than not, I seem to dream of my FOO lately. Sometimes they are just there in the background and not really saying or doing anything. Other times they are saying and doing stuff but acting outside their character and being nice, the sort of people I wish they were. And then other times it's as if I'm back in that situation and they are abusing and mistreating me all over again. Those are the ones I hate the most because I always wake up feeling all yucky inside and that tends to cast a pall over my entire day.

A few nights ago, my dream of my FOO was rather strange. NM had just had another baby. A boy, though I don't know if the sex of the child is important. (Considering NM is 58 and had a full hysterectomy years ago, this was quite a feat, even for a dream.) I had gone to the hospital to see my baby brother - though I didn't think of him as my brother but as "NM's baby" in the dream. NHS was holding the baby out in front of her and just staring at him and smiling. SJ and NM were standing beside her, with their arms around one another, and they were also staring and smiling at the child. But it was the WAY they were smiling, almost as if they were worshiping or adoring this newborn child. I kept speaking to them but they never responded.

I started to walk away to leave but kept getting lost and couldn't find my way out of the hospital. I came to a room full of newborn babies. There must have been well over a hundred newborns in there but I don't remember any of them crying, now that I think about it. A nurse commented to me that I should be careful as there may be tuberculosis in there so I ran out of that room and continued trying to find a way out. I woke up before I ever got out.

I'm not sure what these dreams mean but even the "good" ones suck because they still get my mind back to thinking about my stupid FOO which, in turn, triggers all sorts of negative memories and emotional crap for me.

I wonder if the day will ever come when I can think about my FOO it not bring up so much negative, nasty emotional stuff for me. I certainly hope so.

Not exactly sure WHAT I'm feeling...

Hurt. Angry. Lost. Lonely. Alone. Frustrated. Sad. Motherless.

I believe I mentioned once in an earlier post that, since going NC, there was some stuff of mine that my NM still has that I wanted to get back from her. Dh had told me he'd contact NM and ask for the stuff back for me so I wouldn't have to deal with her. He said to give him a list of the items and he'd handle it.

Well, I finally got around to giving him my list two days ago. I asked him earlier today if he'd sent it to her yet. Partly because I wanted to be prepared in case NM tried to contact me but also because I was wondering if he'd heard back from her yet. Dh said that, no, he hadn't sent anything yet because he wanted to talk to me first. I was confused because we'd already discussed it and he'd agreed to handle it, which I told him. He said that wasn't it, that he just wasn't sure if it was worth contacting her as I've seemed so happy and so much lighter these past couple months. I have a couple of problems with this...

One, I haven't actually been so much happier and lighter. I was. For the first two or three weeks I felt better than I have in a long, long time, if not ever. But then I started feeling all over the place. Sad, angry, hurt, frustrated, anxious, etc. If I'm able to keep really busy, then I rarely think about NM or the whole situation with my FOO. But, inevitably, the time comes when I have to stop and rest and that is when my mind starts to wander and it usually heads to NM and my FOO and things remembered and whatnot. This happens a lot - pretty much any time I'm not fully engaged in some other activity, like watching tv or playing with my ds - which means I'm often hurting or angry or feeling some other negative emotion.

The other thing is, I really want dh to contact NM so that she'll contact me in return. I know some of you are probably thinking, 'Are you crazy??! Be thankful she's giving you peace and quiet! After all, it's what you wanted, right?' Let me clarify that I do NOT want to re-establish contact with NM. Not at all. But I'm having one hell of a time dealing with and accepting the fact that she has seemingly forgotten I even exist. Beyond a couple of stupid email forwards and a single friend request for some social site or other - which I'm not even so sure was a conscious choice on NM's part as I think the site automatically emails all the people in one's email address book - I haven't heard so much as a single peep from NM. For all intents and purposes, I have fallen off the face of her earth and disappeared into the ether and she doesn't care one whit! Not even the tiniest little bit. It's as if I've never existed for her. She's just gone on with her life as usual. What the hell does one do with that?

In thinking about this whole situation, I've realized that it's not about the stuff really. I had already prepared myself for the fact that NM may say no or, more likely, use it to try and manipulate me by saying something like, "If DA wants her stuff, she has to come get it herself." In that instance, I am fully prepared to tell her to stuff it where the sun don't shine and walk away. So, you see, it's not about the stuff. Rather, it's about forcing my NM to admit, even if only for a brief moment, that I'm still here. I'm still her daughter and I still matter and exist.

I feel kind of effed up thinking this way. On the one hand, how many DoNM's out there wish their NM's would leave them alone so they could go on with their lives in peace and yet, here I am, upset because my NM is giving me just that? And then there's the fact that it's not exactly healthy to crave negative attention and abuse just so you can feel validated that you exist. I GET all this but I still have no idea what to do about it.

Right now, I just feel so very tired and a little sick to my stomach. My anxiety levels have been very high the past few days again and the insomnia is back again as well. (Though I'm not sure insomnia is the correct word since I AM able to sleep, it just seems to take forever for me to finally fall asleep.) I've also been having tons of dreams about being with NM and NHS, though SJ is there on occasion as well.

As this is my first time going NC, I'm not sure if what I'm feeling and going through is par for the course or is this something that is unique to me? I'm really hoping for a good night's sleep tonight and a much better day tomorrow. Cause, right now, this sucks.

6 Signs You're in a Healthy Relationship...

While cruising around the net earlier, I happened upon this article on Yahoo. It details six signs that you're in a healthy relationship. I thought the article was very good though, while reading it, the only thing I kept thinking was, "Boy..if ever there was a list of what I DIDN'T have in my relationship with my NM."

Anyways, thought it worth posting so here it is. Hope you all get as much out of it as I did.

DA

The issue of honoring one's parents...

I've heard many a DoNM sister express their confusion and/or pain over the religious issue of honoring one's mother and father when faced with abuse from a narcissistic parent. Some were even fed this commandment by their NM's as justification for why the DoNM had no right to speak against them or their abuses. I, myself, have heard my own NM express to me many times, "I am your MOTHER!" as if that somehow excuses the years of emotional and verbal abuse perpetrated against me by her.

For it's part, society only serves to fuel this confusion and pain. How many of us have heard the words "But she's your MOTHER!" whenever one of us divulges our disapproval over some abuse our NM's have done toward us? Apparently, at least as far as many seem to be concerned, the fact that these women carried us in their wombs for nine months and gave birth to us means that they (our NM's) are to be given carte blanche to treat us however they want, even if said treatment crosses the line into outright abuse.

As if society doesn't put enough pressure on us, there's also numerous religious institutions who seem to back up the idea that one must honor one's parents always. The Holy Bible contains several verses about honoring one's parents:

Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee. Exodus 20:12

Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.
Honour thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise;)
That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. Gal. 6:1-3

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Col. 3:20

With all this pressure, it's little wonder so many of us DoNM's see the option of going NC or "no contact" as so horrifying or feel like horrible people once we go the extra step and make the break.

I found a wonderful article while searching online recently titled "How Do I Honor An Abusive Parent?" In it, the author talks about what exactly it means to "honor" one's parent(s) by going back to the original Greek and Hebrew meanings of the word. Basically, according to the author, honoring is not:

• Staying in relationship with someone who will hurt me or those for whom I am responsible.
• Never saying anything to anyone about the other’s “faults.”
• Enabling a sinner to remain in sin by my silence and inaction.
• Thinking a person is “wonderful” when they are not.
• Having feelings of love.

I agree with this summation completely. Though the naysayers may disagree and claim I'm a bad person or being "disrespectful" toward my NM, I can "honor" my NM as a human being while not having her in my life or being in a relationship with her. As the author of the article says, "Honoring a parent is about my attitude toward him – that is all that is required by the Word."

Final email conversation that led up to my going NC with NHS...

**WARNING - This post contains sensitive content that may disturb and/or trigger some individuals! Please proceed at your own risk.**

Before I begin, a bit of background info first. NM had come over earlier that day and, in front of myself and my MIL, told us about some disturbing sexual behaviors that my step nephew was apparently exhibiting. NM claimed that NHS had told her that morning on the phone that my SN (step nephew) - who I will refer to as "A" in the transcript below - had been caught masturbating right out in the open on several occasions, would repeatedly rub things on his crotch region before handing them over and, most concerning, had apparently been trying to teach my niece and nephew, who are aged approximately 6 and 9 respectively, how to masturbate as well.

Obviously I was extremely concerned as this is NOT normal behavior for any child, much less one of only 14. At the time my NM mentioned it to me, I remember making the comment that it sounded like SN may have been or was being molested. NM said she thought the same thing when she heard about it.

Before saying anything, I asked a trusted source - who is a pediatrician and works with others peds in various fields, including psychology - what she thought. She reiterated that this was NOT normal behavior and that her peers concurred. She also said she felt I would be perfectly within my rights to report what I'd found out.

Hearing that, I decided to confront my NHS for confirmation of what I'd heard. Following is a transcript of our Facebook conversation.

~~~~~~~~~~
Me: Mom was saying something to me today about A and some recent weird behavior? Was wanting to get your side of the story since mom's not always the most reliable source...?

~~~~~
NHS: yep he did it all. he won't be coming back over. i think (BIL's name) will have his visits somewhere else. i think A has inherited his mothers sociopathic personality.

but if anyone else tells me A needs this and that im going to scream. we've tried everything we could possibly try. we've been there for him, supported him etc. you cannot change someone w/ a personality disorder. he may be doing things as a cry for help, but it is not us he wants attention from. its his mother. the other stuff he is doing isn't a cry for help, he is just strange. his whole family is strange.

~~~~~
Me: Well I was wanting to know the details from you so that I was sure I heard everything clearly. Based purely on what I heard secondhand from mom, the sexual behaviors he (A) was exhibiting are well beyond what would be considered normal, even taking into consideration all the hormones that are probably starting to flow through his body. I hate to say it but it's the behavior of a child who's been sexually molested. I definitely think it warrants checking out, either you guys doing it or by you guys calling child protective services and telling them his recent behaviors.

I'm no psychological expert but what I did study I made all A's in and I've also had friends who've been there as well as having read books on the subject and A fits the descriptions. If you guys don't have him checked out by a professional (or can't afford it) PLEASE call CPS and report it. Something very wrong is going on here and it ain't a personality disorder. (For the record, I studied personality disorders in particular because I found them most interesting and that was what I had wanted to do - treat people with personality disorders. Granted, I've not been around A all that much and not ever really lately, but from what I've heard from you and mom through the grapevine, it's not that.)

Forgot to add, isn't his mom's dad - A's grandpa who I thought you said his mom was always leaving him with - a convicted pedophile or something? My bet is on him being the one who did it.

~~~~~
NHS: No, his grandpa is not a pedophile. A's grandparents love him, and as weird as his grandpa is he wouldn't do that.

No, he hasn't been molested. What he has been doing is not as bad as it sounds. We just are nipping it now. He has a personality disorder. We know that for a fact. (Various family members of A) and A's cousin all have the same issues. It runs in their family.

~~~~~
Me: Well, I pray you're right. As I said, I wouldn't wish that on anyone, especially not a child. Regardless of how big a pain the kid was or wasn't. But from what I know of that particular issue and from what I heard from mom, I'd be willing to stake a lot that that's what's going on. What he's displaying doesn't fit any personality disorder I know of, certainly not antisocial personality disorder. And while there is some genetic component with regard to personality disorders, that's not exactly how it works. If it did, there'd be a lot more of the population with personality disorders.

It couldn't hurt to make an anonymous call and just ASK the people at CPS what they think and if it bears filing a formal report on. It could be you'd tell them what you know and they'd say, no, they don't think there's anything to report and then it's a done issue. But I have heard of situations where the other parent getting in trouble too with CPS because it's assumed that the other parent would and should have noticed something "untoward" or out of the ordinary in other words, going on and thus, CPS assumes they bear some of the responsibility for what may or may not have occurred.

If someone else were to report this, say the school for instance, they could also investigate you and BIL's family because they would assume - since A spends time with you guys on visits - that you should have noticed and yet didn't report anything. Not sure how it works exactly but I have heard a couple people online talk about something like that happening and I would NOT want that to happen to you guys.

No one could ever find out you were the ones who called (if you decided to call, I'm saying). I don't think that CPS even asks for your name if you don't want them to have it, or so I'm told. I say better to cover your OWN ass so you don't have to worry about any trouble. Not only that, A would be checked out by the state on taxpayer's expense and not yours and you could know for sure whether something had happened or not. If not, then you can put that worry aside. But if SO, then it would be brought to the light and A could get the help he needs sooner rather than later which is best for everyone, especially him.

Just my two cents. You can take it or leave it. :o)

~~~~~
NHS: The weird stuff he is doing isn't associated with a personality disorder. He has that to begin with. The other behavior is mostly typical stuff teenage boys do around each other. A just needs to learn that he cannot do that stuff around (niece and nephew's names). He scratches himself around the kids, and thinks it is funny to pretend to hump things, but he isn't crossing the line yet of disturbed behavior. We just are saying something about it now, bc we don't trust him not to cross the line. That is all. I am not sure what all you heard, but it seems a little more serious than it really is. Anyway, disorders are inherited. If a parent has it, the child has a chance of getting it. Of course the child won't know they have it, bc they can do no wrong in their eyes. His family also has a gene disorder called the anger gene. It is common in McCoy families in West Virginia. That may be what his disorder is. We have kept a close eye on A for 14 years now, there is nothing going on with his family except for their lazy parenting skills.

~~~~~
Me: The only way you could know for certain A has a personality disorder would be if he was formally diagnosed by a LICENSED PROFESSIONAL. And no professional in his right mind would diagnose a 14 year old boy with a personality disorder, especially not one as serious as antisocial personality disorder. And, again, I know something about personality disorders. I studied them in school, I've read book after book after book and this is NOT a personality disorder. Also again, they don't run in families in quite the way you're implying. It just doesn't happen like that generally. It's POSSIBLE, but not very LIKELY, in other words.

If THAT isn't good enough for you, then perhaps dh's opinion will matter to you seeing as he majored in psychology for 2 or 3 years before changing his major to art. Dh knows what mom said and he agreed with me that this is NOT a personality disorder and is NOT "normal behavior" for a 14 year old boy. Scratching himself in public is one thing. Masturbation doesn't generally begin until 16 years of age however and a child would very likely NOT do it in front of anyone but is almost always caught in the act while doing so privately. More to the point, a child would NOT be doing so in front of his younger siblings. The fact that he would try to engage them in some way, be it to make them watch, try to show them how to do it or whatever is VERY outside what is "normal".

I'm also confused as to how you can claim this is "no big deal" or "normal" and yet you've stated several times now that A is no longer welcome around your children and/or that you don't trust him around your kids anymore?

Again, admittedly, I'm no expert on the matter but I would at the very least have him checked out by a licensed professional who specializes in abuse cases. To me, the risk is just far too great to simply assume that nothing bad is going on when there's even the slightest possibility that it may be. Nearly all children who are molested are done so by a close family friend or family member. Did you know that? Believe me, I can totally get where ya'll wouldn't want to consider the possibility. It's horrible and I wouldn't want to believe it either. But the sad fact is that it CAN and DOES happen all the time.

All I'm saying is that you need to know for sure. What can it hurt just to look into it? If you take him to someone and they say with total certainty that that isn't the case, GREAT. I'm just saying that I would want to be 100% sure if it were my child. That's all.

And even if it's not that, there's obviously SOMETHING wrong with this picture, something that needs and requires intervention NOW before things go from bad to worse. Whether it's just normal issues for a child of "divorced" parents (I know BIL and his ex weren't ever actually married but you know what I mean, separated parents situation) or something more serious, it needs to be looked into NOW before things get past the point of being able to be fixed. It won't be long before A will be a legal adult and, at that point, no one will be able to make him be evaluated and he'll be free to do what he wants. Why not get him the help he obviously needs NOW?

Not trying to be a bitch or meddlesome or anything of the sort. Just heard some stuff (which you confirmed, btw) and was concerned. That is ALL.

~~~~~
NHS: A did not masterbate infront of the kids. He just scratches himself. Nothing you are saying has anything to do with what's going on. You have not spent time with A or his family. You don't know him like we do. The only reason we are not letting him back over is bc he is getting too old for it now and he is a bad influence. He was not showing his privates or masterbating infront of the kids. I don't know why this family has to be so dramatic. Does everyone think we are that stupid to not know what to do in this situation? We know what we're doing, and we have been ontop of all possibilities. Everybody chill out.

~~~~~
Me: For the record, this will be my last email on this subject.

You wrote:

"A did not masterbate infront of the kids. He just scratches himself. Nothing you are saying has anything to do with what's going on. You have not spent time with A or his family. You don't know him like we do. The only reason we are not letting him back over is bc he is getting too old for it now and he is a bad influence. He was not showing his privates or masterbating infront of the kids. I don't know why this family has to be so dramatic. Does everyone think we are that stupid to not know what to do in this situation? We know what we're doing, and we have been ontop of all possibilities. Everybody chill out."

When I first emailed you to ask you about A, your response to me was that it was all 100% correct and you were apparently willing to say that without even hearing what mom had said. I'd tell you now exactly what was said but even if what mom told me WAS correct, I wouldn't trust you to admit as much.

You are right. I don't really know A, but I don't have to know him to know that what I heard about him is most definitely NOT normal, that it's NOT a "personality disorder" - which, by the way, neither of you are qualified to diagnose - and that it represents that there is a HUGE problem going on. Even if I'm totally wrong and A hasn't been molested, something is still clearly VERY WRONG in his life. And apparently you and BIL know that otherwise you wouldn't be keeping him away from your kids. What's more, this goes well beyond A merely "scratching himself", as you claim, because him itching himself in his private area is NOT reason enough to label him a "bad influence" and limit his exposure to his siblings and you know it. Something else is going on here but, clearly, you aren't going to admit it.

As for A being "too old for it now", too old for what? Visiting and spending time with his father? Are you serious???!! A may be 14 but he's still a CHILD who needs his dad in his life. PARTICULARLY now when he's going through some issues above and beyond the normal turmoil adolescents go through. But then, it doesn't surprise me that you all are taking this "out" as a means of further distancing yourself from him. After all, the two of you have been saying for years how you're just "counting down the days" until A is 18 so the two of you will no longer have any obligations to him. Nice attitude for the both of you to have about your husband's firstborn son. And everyone wonders why the kid has issues.

To answer your question about whether or not I think you are that stupid to not know what to do in this situation or something similar, though it pains me to say it, the answer is YES. You guys apparently ARE that stupid. The fact that that child (A) so clearly has serious problems - which even you two admit, going so far as to label him as having antisocial personality disorder - and yet the two of you are so ready to blow the whole thing off as totally normal "acting out" is nothing short of insane. Labeling a 14 year old child who has apparently displayed the sort of behavior that I was told he was as having antisocial personality disorder and then telling everyone you guys are handling it and that we should "chill out" is absurd. Yeah, sounds like you two are completely "ontop of it" alright. Just like you're "ontop" of (dear niece's) problems.

Because I DON'T know A as well as the two of you do and because I DIDN'T directly witness any of the behaviors I was told about, I don't feel I'm in any kind of a position to call anyone and make any kind of reports. Especially when there isn't a chance in hell of getting the truth out of anyone at this point. I just pray the two of you have as good a handle and are as "ontop of it" as you'd like everyone to believe.

DA
~~~~~~~~~~

Within a day or two, this letter was sent to my NM and dh (who was at work at the time, for the record):

(Dh's name),

(DA's) email is completely uncalled for, and frankly, it is rather disturbing.

This was not solicited from her, nor is it appreciated. It needs to stop. I don't appreciate the allegations in this entire correspondence. I've kept my mouth shut about DA and her behavior towards us for years to keep the peace, but I will no longer allow my family to be denigrated and attacked in this manner. I have put up with personal attacks, her spreading lies about our family to her extended family and her general rude behavior towards us for years. I will no longer tolerate it.

I could understand if a sister wanted to help out a sister ... but this isn't the case. DA is always hurtful towards NHS and has been her entire life.

Please make it clear that DA is to not contact NHS or our family via email or by telephone. NHS does not want to talk to her again, ever.

We are dealing with our own problems in our lives as you all need to do in yours. Unlike your wife, I am not going to try to pretend to psychoanalyze your problems and then berate you for not taking my advice. I don't feel the need to check- in with (NM's name) or DA as I do what I see fit for my family, as I don't expect you to do that with us.

DA does NOT know everything that is going on. She does not know the circumstances, what happened or how I and A's mother are dealing with him. It's not right for her to project her situation with her dad onto my family as fact. She has absolutely no knowledge of this situation.

She does not have a degree in psychology or sociology and has no business thrusting terms she loosely understands at my family and labeling us as such.

Furthermore, she does NOT know about our ongoing treatment of (nieces name) for her flatfootedness; she has not been to the doctors with us, done research with us or have had consultations with specialists with us.

We haven't shared this with her because ...

It's none of her f**king business.

I'm sorry it has to be this way, I truly am, but we just will not tolerate her behavior any longer.

- (BIL's name)

~~~~~~~~~~
By this point, in fact before I'd hit the send button on my final email to them, I'd planned on never speaking with or dealing with NHS and BIL again. So to hear BIL claim that they didn't want anything more to do with me, all I did was laugh.

I would also like to take this opportunity to point out that I said many, MANY times in my conversation with NHS that I am NOT an expert on the subject of psychology or anything pertaining to the subject of possible molestation. Despite that, you can see how BIL and NHS have twisted it around to my supposedly stating or implying that I am some kind of "expert" in psychology and/or sociology.

It was later the same day, or possibly the following day, that NM received this email (along with dh) that I got a nasty voice message from NM saying that she was "so disappointed" in me and why couldn't I have just kept my mouth shut, like she'd told me to? (For the record, NM had previously THREATENED me in a phone conversation to keep quiet and drop the whole thing, saying that A's mother and new dh "didn't take kindly to people talking badly about their family" and implying they'd have me "taken care of". I told NM that A's mom and FOO could bring it on, that when it came to the protection of a child or an animal (or anyone for that matter), I would stand up for what was RIGHT and anyone who didn't like it could go straight to hell.)

This was also the point at which NM changed her tune and claimed she hadn't said anything about A masturbating but that she'd said merely he'd been caught "scratching himself" as NHS had claimed. CLEARLY, NM had been fed what to say by NHS and BIL and was regurgitating it to me in her voice mail. It wound up costing NM my going NC with her for just over 10 weeks. Looking back, I wish to God I'd maintained my NC status instead of going back for more one final time. Had I just stayed the course, I'd now be NC for almost a YEAR instead of just two months.

Looking back, I still don't believe I did anything wrong throughout this entire interaction. I heard some very disturbing information from my NM about a young boy, I went to the supposed source and asked for clarification and was told by her that "he did it all", I politely urged my NHS to have it looked into and, instead of being met with a serious response by her, was given her usual attitude of being flippant and rude (not to mention her switching the story and gaslighting the heck out of me) at which point I basically told her shame on her for not taking the matter seriously and that I prayed they were as "ontop of everything" as they would like everyone to believe.

For that, I had my own mother turn on me, claim that *I* was the one who was lying and, once again, "putting my nose where it didn't belong" as well as reiterating how "disappointed" she was in me. A nasty email about me was sent to my NM and my dh who, again, was at WORK at the time of the email and then was later sent out by BIL to the rest of the extended FOO. Then NM and NHS and BIL embarked on a vicious smear campaign against me which, thankfully, wound up backfiring on them big time with the extended FOO, though not at first. As it stands now, I am not in contact with my NHS, BIL or their two children and, oh yeah, I was excluded from the Thanksgiving festivities at my NM's house last year because NHS and BIL told NM that they would not come if I was there. So, lest the GC and her dysfunctional mate be "put out", I was told I wasn't welcome or wanted. THIS is what I get for being a good person and doing the right thing. And they all wonder why I want nothing more to do with any of them.

DA

An example of what it was like to try and talk to my NHS...

Am posting this old email exchange so that you all can see what it was like for me trying to talk and have a relationship with my NHS. Crazy making? Do bears you-know-what in the woods?

(To try and keep everything separate, I will put little lines between each email and post NHS' emails in blue.)

~~~~~~~~~~
NHS,

Thank you so much for your email. It meant a lot to me.

I think a lot of my reactions lately have been because I'm so raw emotionally. After so many years of putting up with my dad and SM's crap (and mom's and SJ's) its gotten to be that my nerves are so raw that I sometimes react defensively and take things out of proportion. I've always been very sensitive but it's gotten to be even more so lately. My greatest regret is that, somewhere along the line, you began to feel that you couldn't count on me to be there for you when you need me. Strange when I think about it how, to me, I've always thought I was doing the right thing and yet, it got so messed up somehow, usually by my going overboard and not knowing when to stop.

I was thinking of not coming to the hospital but only because I didn't want to cause you any extra stress when I figured you'd already be under plenty of stress having just given birth and all. I was planning to come see the baby though. I figured I'd sneak in and see her and maybe have the nurse deliver some flowers or something to you. However, I would very much like to be there so long as it's okay with you. I just want to do what's best for you so, even though it would hurt my feelings to not be there, if it would be better for you not to have me there I truly would understand. I know I'd feel tense if the situation were reversed. If you're sure you don't mind, I'll do my best to be there. It just depends on mom and whether or not you guys want us to watch dn (dear nephew).

Speaking of dn, I completely understand your not feeling comfortable leaving him overnight with anyone. I think I'd feel the same way if I were in your shoes. It's completely up to you - if you want us to keep him, that is fine by us, we'd love to have him. Now that I know your true feelings, there's no cause for me to feel hurt or slighted anymore, so it's entirely up to you and I will understand and respect anything you choose.

As for why I haven't come over to see dn, like you, I've been under a ton of stress lately and didn't need to add anymore to my already full plate. Also, I didn't want to fight with you anymore. 1) You don't need that, 2) I don't need that and 3) dn doesn't need to be around that tension and all. I've thought so many times about coming over there anyways, but I always stopped because I just couldn't take anymore crap. Not necessarily from you either. The majority of my stress lately has been from my dad and SM and there have been a few days when I honestly felt like one more thing and I was going to go over the edge and have a breakdown.

I love you, NHS. I truly do and I've missed having you in my life. I miss the talks and the email conversations (the good ones, LOL!) My hope is that some day, when we both have children (and before then too) that we will be able to spend time together as one family. These past few years I've begun to realize just how important family is to a person and I want my future children to know you and BIL and your children. There are sure to be times when they won't feel they can come to dh and I and it would mean so much to me if you were there for them to go to.

One thing I want to be sure you know...I think you are a great mom and wife and that your children and husband are so very lucky to have you in their lives. I also think you're a wonderful sister, despite the recent upset between us. I hope that someday soon, you will feel the same way about me. I'm truly, truly sorry for any pain or stress or upset I may have caused you. Particularly with regard to dn's baptism - I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry you felt disrespected by me and, above all, I'm sorry that I've caused you to feel unloved by me. I hope you can forgive me.

Love you much,

DA
~~~~~~~~~~

Yes, I do feel I have been let down by you several times. I finally realized it wasn’t ever going to change so why bother being in a relationship with you? Whenever I asked for help or expected you to stand behind me, you weren’t there. Yes, the baptism is part of it, but only a part. I do know the details I gave you, and was very hurt that you didn’t show up. Whether or not it was because of hurt feelings, you should have been there for dn’s special day. I know you had back pain, and I understand that. I do know that you could have at least attempted to come and not call seconds before we were to walk out the door. That was very inconsiderate and put me in a stressed out mode because I had to get someone to fill your shoes at the last minute. Your name is on the baptism records. I haven’t talked the church about changing it because I didn’t know that I was able to. I was very hurt by practically being “dumped” by you. It hurt, but mostly I felt hurt for dn. I am very protective over him. You didn’t really do this to me, you did that to him. I hope that now you understand why I was so upset. You can understand why I can’t “get over it already” now…maybe?

I wasn’t able to take your attempts at an apology seriously, because I heard from family members that you were telling them I was forbidding you from seeing dn. That wasn’t true, and I couldn’t understand why you would say something like that about me when you knew it wasn’t true. You may have felt it was true…but really I didn’t forbid you from seeing him and you could have called and asked. So I couldn’t forgive you knowing this. It is like, you wouldn’t accept an apology from someone for stealing from you, if they will still stealing from you behind your back…you know?

I know your dad and SM give you stress. Knowing how they are though, you should not let it get to you so much that it effects how you treat other people. Especially people that don’t deserve to be treated in a bad way. I feel people don’t ruin your life, you allow people to ruin your life.

Like I have been saying since last year, I don’t hate you. I feel no need to hurt you or cause you pain. I just simply don’t trust you and am afraid to have a relationship with you. I don’t feel weird around you at all. I lived with you growing up for goodness sakes. So you shouldn’t feel weird around me. We just simply don’t have that sisterly relationship. We had something before all this started, but it was always full of hurt feelings. I never tell people when I am hurt and this was the first time, because it wasn’t just me you hurt it was dn. Things you would say or do or not do, hurt me. Yes I know it’s hard for you to know that if I don’t voice my opinion….but sometimes I just feel people should know what hurts others, I mean some of it is just pure common sense.

You are welcome to come to the hospital, I told mom the other day..if you were there, I know you’de kick out people that bugged me.

This is the first real apology that I have gotten and I appreciate it. That is all I wanted. A true heart felt apology, not a “well sorry if you were hurt but it is your fault” type apology that I got that last time.

I just want you to prove to me that I can count on you more. You have said some nasty things to me over the years, I really don’t think I have done that to you. When I asked you what was the worst thing I have ever done to you or said…you said years ago I called you a slut…I mean before the nasty letter I wrote you…if that was the meanest thing I have ever done to you, than consider yourself lucky. I always kept my feelings inside when you hurt me because I would rather stay hurt inside than hurt someone else.

None of what I just wrote is meant to be mean or cocky. It is hard to know how someone means something when it is written, but this isn’t written to be mean honest. I am not mad or anything at all. Since you probably fell a sleep by now, here are the cliff notes:

Don’t think every decision I make is only to hurt you, Don’t assume I am mad at you, and last I just ruined my dinner.

NHS

~~~~~~~~~~
NHS,

Firstly, I'm sorry you ruined your dinner. LOL

Secondly, I guess I understand your feelings. I just hope that someday soon, you will be able to let the past go and move on with me. I know it will take time and you will have to begin to feel you can trust me again, but I hope it does happen sometime soon.

With regards to the baptism, I just want to say one thing and then I promise I'll shut up - I don't expect you to ever forget your hurt/anger at me but I do hope that you can forgive me for it now, for yourself as well as for me. That is what I meant when I said to "get over it", though I'll admit I could have said it better.

I also want to be sure you know that I still have a lot of pain with my back. Sure, I'm having more good days than bad nowadays, but it can change in an instant. One day I can be running out in the yard with the dog and helping dh with yard work and the next day (or ten, LOL) I can be bedridden and in considerable pain. I'm telling you this so that you will know, the next time I tell you I can't do something or be there to help you because my back is in terrible pain that I am being sincere and not lying and saying it to get out of helping you or to push you aside.

That said, if you need any help the next few days or once the baby is born - if you need groceries, need help with dn or the baby, etc. - please don't hesitate to call and ask me. If I am able to get over there and help you then I will. (Had I read your response earlier, I'd have brought you some dinner to replace the one that burnt. *winking smiley*)

As for the delivery, I don't need to be there for that and I can understand why you'd want your privacy at that time. (Between you and me, I'll probably do the same thing when I have a baby some day. Who wants your mother in law looking at yer privates?) Just have BIL give us a call when you are ready to have visitors and we will come up to see you. Also, if you need us to watch dn or if you need me to sit with you for a couple hours so that BIL can go home with dn and take a nap/shower/whatever I can do that too.

I won't ask you to go back to the way things were before and I won't ask you to forgive me right now and to act like everything is a-ok. That's not realistic and I know this. But please, at least give me the opportunity of a second chance. Allow yourself to be open-minded enough to realize that a) people can change and that b) they will still sometimes make mistakes despite their good intentions. As God is my witness, I swear to you that I have never set out to hurt you or cause you any pain. I know that I'm not perfect, but then, who among us is, right? I'll tell you right now that I will still probably say/do the wrong thing from time to time and I need to know that you get that and understand it.

Take care and good luck with the labor! I'll pray that it happens tonight or tomorrow because I'm sure you're past ready for it to happen already!

Love you,

DA xoxo

P.S. Is there anything I can say or do that might help get things going in the right direction for us besides the obvious? If so, please let me know!

~~~~~~~~~~
The only thing I don’t agree with you saying is the part where you are basically promising me you’ll hurt me again, due to the fact you’re not perfect. Well I don’t expect anyone to be perfect. Just because you’re warning me of this though, doesn’t and won’t excuse any bad behavior. I do remember in the past you used that as an excuse and it made me a little angry. It is like you say, I am not perfect I know I will hurt you again, just to have room for error.

A guy and girl start dating, the girl says…you know dude I am not perfect and I can promise you I will hurt you. So I am just warning you, so when it happens don’t get mad. Doesn’t make for a good relationship does it? That is how I feel when you say that. It is like…..you don’t start off a relationship thinking or saying you’ll end up hurting that person. If you think that strongly about it, than why bother entering into one? I know I am not perfect, and there may be something I do that pisses you off…but I don’t set out with that frame of mind. It is like you’re setting yourself up for failure. It makes me feel that you’re thinking..hey if I warn her that gives me room to do whatever I want and she can’t be mad..b/c hey I warned her. You know what I mean? I have heard you say that to others to, and then when you do end up hurting them, you have acted like it wasn’t your fault…b/c you’re like I am not perfect and they knew this. (**Note from me - THIS NEVER HAPPENED. NHS has often claimed she "remembers" me saying or doing so and so and I have NO idea what she's talking about because it never happened.) Do you think you’re that bad or do you think you have such a problem w/ hurting people you have to say this? Not trying to hurt your feelings, I just want to know what is in your head. Like what is behind this comment, ya know?

I ate my dinner anyway, wasn’t that great.

I know you have back pain that limits you from doing things. Before I fixed mine w/ stretches and atkins, I was miserable at times with pain. I still did things for people though. I was referring to a time when you said you couldn’t do something for someone, either it was me or mom, and then in the same conversation with you…you were like..ok I am going to go shower and go up to wal mart…I was like…..huh? You’ve said stuff like that before, and that is why I said the stuff about giving excuses using your back or something else. Then you turn around and go shopping. (**Note from me - another thing NHS claims to know or "remember me saying/doing" that NEVER happened.) It made me feel, ok you don’t want to help us out, but you are fine to go out shopping. Not trying to start anything here, just giving you the reason why I made that comment.

Well the doctor said I am not dilated and my cervix isn’t even ripe…..I will have to start having tests done next week to make sure her fluid and placenta are still working. Guess the further along you get, the less the stuff inside the uterus works. Scary. She just seems to be taking her good old time.

Again, this isn’t meant to hurt your feelings. I wanted to be honest and give you the reasons behind my thinking. This is just how I interpret your actions, and am giving you the chance to explain. I don’t think you’ll remember any of this, so from now on I can be direct and let you know as they happen if you want me to.

~~~~~~~~~~
NHS,

You misunderstand. I'm not saying that I'm definitely going to hurt you, as in, I'm going to set out to mess up and/or cause you pain. What I meant was that I am only human and, being that I am not perfect, I will likely mess up from time to time. In my personal experience with people, particularly with family, it's as if they expect me to be perfect and accomodating at all times. That isn't realistic. We all have times where we say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing - sometimes intentionally, most times not - and I'm just stating the obvious, that I will likely make mistakes.

To say it better, it's like this - I don't want you to enter into a relationship with me having unrealistic expectations. There are still going to be times when I disagree with you and I will say to you, "I don't agree with that." I won't just lie to you and say, "Yeah I agree" just so you won't feel hurt or stressed. Not because I don't care whether or not you get hurt but because I have to be true to myself and not sell myself out just to please everyone else. (**Note from me - How ironic that all the while I'm saying I won't sell myself out, that is EXACTLY what I'm doing at this time in my life by bending over backward just so NHS will accept me as her sister.)

There are also likely to be times when I'll be trying my best to do the right thing and will fumble, it happens to all of us. Surely there are times in your life, looking back, where you've said to yourself, "That was silly/wrong/stupid/etc. of me. I should have done ____ instead." If and when that happens with me, I don't want you to turn around and use it against me and say, "See? I knew you'd just hurt me again! Didn't I tell everyone!!! Why did I bother?" all because I made one innocent mistake. If you love me and care about me and truly want a relationship with me, then you'll make allowances for the small stuff. Does that make sense?

Anyhow, that's what's in my head. To sum up, I'm not saying that I'm definitely going to hurt you on purpose at some point, I'm just saying that in all relationships, people sometimes say or do the wrong thing. It's a normal part of life, and unavoidable, seeing as none of us are perfect.

On a side note, something that I find really strange is the fact that we are both feeling a lot of the same things and yet are somehow on two completely different pages. Weird.

As per your last paragraph, yes, it would be good if you would call me on stuff as it happens. I can't change what I don't know about. But, just because someone tells me about something doesn't always mean that I will change myself to accomodate that person. To be sure, if I hurt your feelings, I will always be sorry about it. I love you and would never set out to intentionally hurt someone I care about. In fact, in the past, my usual behavior is to sacrifice my own well being to ensure the other person's happiness.

My therapist has been working with me to get me to stand up for myself and start doing what is best for me. For example, if someone comes to me and says, "You did ______ and it really hurt my feelings." I'm supposed to take some time to think about the behavior and decide whether or not I felt that I was wrong in doing/saying what I did and then decide whether or not it's change-worthy behavior. If I feel I was wrong and what I did is change-worthy, then I would take steps to ensure that I don't repeat that negative behavior again.

On the other hand, if I still feel I didn't do anything wrong, then I would go about my business. I might still apologize for hurting the other person's feelings though because, even though it was unintentional, it's not nice to hurt someone's feelings.

I hope all this makes sense to you.

Talk to you later,

DA

~~~~~~~~~~

UGH! I look back over these emails and my behavior makes me SICK to my stomach! I cannot believe how, even as I knew it was crazy to try and have a relationship with NHS, I continued to just smile and eat shit, say thanks and ask for another helping. If only I'd known then what I know now about NPD and all the manipulating and gaslighting that goes along with it, I could have saved myself a lot of trouble.

Oh well. At least it's all over and done with now. No more putting up with crazy-making shit from NHS anymore!

DA

Old letter from N half sis...

I received this email from NHS years ago after a very long period of back and forth correspondence between us. As always, I was trying to be serious and have a mature discussion with her and she was being her usual flippant, dismissive self which eventually caused me to become frustrated. This was her final email to me which precipitated our first period of NC that wound up lasting three years.

A bit of background info that is necessary to understand before reading her email....NHS was upset that I did not attend my nephew's baptism. Firstly, at the time of the baptism, I was due for my second back surgery and could barely make it to the bathroom, much less to go to a church and be expected to sit in a hard, wooden pew for over an hour. I spent the day lying on the couch which was how I spent most all my time then. Second, and perhaps even more importantly, dh and I were never issued an invite to the baptism by either NHS or BIL. As relations were strained even then, even if I hadn't been injured, we didn't want to show up uninvited so we never had plans to go.

NHS claims to this day that she asked dh and I to be my nephew's godparents. NEVER HAPPENED. Both dh and I distinctly remember NHS and BIL inviting us out to eat at the local Applebee's because they had to discuss something important with us. When we got there, we were told by both of them that apparently the godparents had to be Catholic since the baptism was being done in a Catholic church so that they were going to use BIL's brother and sister as stand in's for the actual ceremony however dh and I would be listed as guardians in their Will. Both NHS and BIL claim I am lying, that they never said this and that I deliberately and willfully did not go to the baptism just to hurt them apparently. NHS further claims that BIL told her (BIL and my dh used to work together) that dh had told him we'd spent the entire day at my IL's house having a cookout. NOT true since, as I said, I was badly injured and in a lot of pain at that time and didn't leave the house except to go to doctor's appointments.

Anyways, here's NHS' letter to me:

Why on earth would you pass on being his god mother? I don’t know, you are the one that did it not me. I know for a fact that you knew damn well what was expected of you, and you let me down. I will not believe anything else you say on this matter, b/c I know what I remember. So does everyone else. The people you listed know what really went on, so no need to try to convince me that you have people backing you on this subject. Looking back now, I am so glad you did not attend. We should have known better than to trust you with this honor.

I find it almost funny that you think I change the truth to fit my side of things, when that is what you always do. But then pathological liars often do these things. I wonder if you actually believe the things you say. If so then I feel sorry for you.

I said that we were grown up enough to settle our arguments between ourselves and not involve our parents. I never said that I didn’t need mom and dad for that money to help us in our time of need. Just because someone needs financial assistance doesn’t mean that they aren’t mature and grown up responsible adults. That is why I told mom not to tell you about what we had to do. I don’t expect you to understand, b/c you have MIL and FIL to give money freely. As if YOU would ever understand REAL life. Last, you have no right to comment on our personal financial status. It is none of your damn business.

We have to be constant victims in our life? LOL Okey whatever. I think there is some truth to the saying that the person most guilty of doing something is the first to blame someone else for doing the same thing (or whom they THINK is doing the same thing). We have never wanted to be victims, but YOU on the other hand are a master at it. Everything wrong in your life is someone else’s fault. You are the way you are today because of everyone else’s action against you. LOL Please don’t make me laugh. You say my father beat you!! LOL Please that is the biggest lie I have ever heard. Maybe he should have beaten you, it might have done you some good. I cannot believe you would say that about someone so innocent like my dad. You are a filthy disgusting excuse for a human being.

I also loved it when you old everyone (BIL's name) had a temper. You just go right ahead and tell people that, anyone ever takes action against my father or my husband and tries to take away my child b/c of your lies….I will sue you for everything you have and everything you will ever have in your life. You think I am a bitch now? You just wait honey, b/c I will devote my life to making yours miserable.

You are a kind, loving person? Ummmm….yeah right…That’s why you have soooo many friends and everyone in the family hates you. Keep telling yourself that dear.

I didn’t want to play your mind games and write you back, but not doing so would have eaten away at my soul for the rest of my life. So now I do feel better, thanks for asking. As far as cutting ties? I have been waiting for this day for 24 years!!! I think I will finally feel less stress in my life w/o you in it. So please go away and don’t come back. Don’t tease me.

As far as family gatherings, just let me know which ones you’ll attend so I can fake a back ache too.

Thanks! Tootles!

~~~~~

Nice, huh? This from a girl who claims to have done nothing but love me and has supposedly wanted a sisterly relationship with me but who has been given nothing but pain by me in return. HA!

Regarding my supposedly saying BIL "had a temper", that's not what was said. My comments to FOO were about witnessing BIL being verbally and, on a couple of occasions, what I would call physically abusive toward NHS and my nephew. I was NOT the only person to witness these things. BIL apparently kicked NHS in the backside in front of my NM and other out of town FOO members who were visiting at the time. I have also witnessed BIL grab my nephew's hand and hold it too tightly so as to hurt the child. The child's crime at the time? Not making a big enough deal out of daddy being home from work and being interested in his visiting aunt DA at the time. Have also heard BIL (and NHS) refer to nephew at that time as a "little shit" or "little asshole". My comments to FOO were in regard to my concerns over these issues and not with BIL supposedly having "a temper".

Moving on, I think the most honest NHS has ever been with me (to this day) was when she wrote, "As far as cutting ties? I have been waiting for this day for 24 years!!!" I think that, for whatever reason - perhaps due to constant triangulation by NM? - NHS has indeed been waiting for a valid excuse to write me out of her life which she eventually found in March of 2009. (I'll post that exchange in a following blog entry.)

I can honestly say I am SO happy to be done dealing with NHS and BIL and their constant manipulations, gaslighting, lies and verbal assaults. Trying to have a relationship with them, especially with NHS, was crazy-making to the highest degree. Since cutting ties with them permanently in March of '09, I have felt nothing but relief that it is finally over.

DA