Not exactly sure WHAT I'm feeling...

Hurt. Angry. Lost. Lonely. Alone. Frustrated. Sad. Motherless.

I believe I mentioned once in an earlier post that, since going NC, there was some stuff of mine that my NM still has that I wanted to get back from her. Dh had told me he'd contact NM and ask for the stuff back for me so I wouldn't have to deal with her. He said to give him a list of the items and he'd handle it.

Well, I finally got around to giving him my list two days ago. I asked him earlier today if he'd sent it to her yet. Partly because I wanted to be prepared in case NM tried to contact me but also because I was wondering if he'd heard back from her yet. Dh said that, no, he hadn't sent anything yet because he wanted to talk to me first. I was confused because we'd already discussed it and he'd agreed to handle it, which I told him. He said that wasn't it, that he just wasn't sure if it was worth contacting her as I've seemed so happy and so much lighter these past couple months. I have a couple of problems with this...

One, I haven't actually been so much happier and lighter. I was. For the first two or three weeks I felt better than I have in a long, long time, if not ever. But then I started feeling all over the place. Sad, angry, hurt, frustrated, anxious, etc. If I'm able to keep really busy, then I rarely think about NM or the whole situation with my FOO. But, inevitably, the time comes when I have to stop and rest and that is when my mind starts to wander and it usually heads to NM and my FOO and things remembered and whatnot. This happens a lot - pretty much any time I'm not fully engaged in some other activity, like watching tv or playing with my ds - which means I'm often hurting or angry or feeling some other negative emotion.

The other thing is, I really want dh to contact NM so that she'll contact me in return. I know some of you are probably thinking, 'Are you crazy??! Be thankful she's giving you peace and quiet! After all, it's what you wanted, right?' Let me clarify that I do NOT want to re-establish contact with NM. Not at all. But I'm having one hell of a time dealing with and accepting the fact that she has seemingly forgotten I even exist. Beyond a couple of stupid email forwards and a single friend request for some social site or other - which I'm not even so sure was a conscious choice on NM's part as I think the site automatically emails all the people in one's email address book - I haven't heard so much as a single peep from NM. For all intents and purposes, I have fallen off the face of her earth and disappeared into the ether and she doesn't care one whit! Not even the tiniest little bit. It's as if I've never existed for her. She's just gone on with her life as usual. What the hell does one do with that?

In thinking about this whole situation, I've realized that it's not about the stuff really. I had already prepared myself for the fact that NM may say no or, more likely, use it to try and manipulate me by saying something like, "If DA wants her stuff, she has to come get it herself." In that instance, I am fully prepared to tell her to stuff it where the sun don't shine and walk away. So, you see, it's not about the stuff. Rather, it's about forcing my NM to admit, even if only for a brief moment, that I'm still here. I'm still her daughter and I still matter and exist.

I feel kind of effed up thinking this way. On the one hand, how many DoNM's out there wish their NM's would leave them alone so they could go on with their lives in peace and yet, here I am, upset because my NM is giving me just that? And then there's the fact that it's not exactly healthy to crave negative attention and abuse just so you can feel validated that you exist. I GET all this but I still have no idea what to do about it.

Right now, I just feel so very tired and a little sick to my stomach. My anxiety levels have been very high the past few days again and the insomnia is back again as well. (Though I'm not sure insomnia is the correct word since I AM able to sleep, it just seems to take forever for me to finally fall asleep.) I've also been having tons of dreams about being with NM and NHS, though SJ is there on occasion as well.

As this is my first time going NC, I'm not sure if what I'm feeling and going through is par for the course or is this something that is unique to me? I'm really hoping for a good night's sleep tonight and a much better day tomorrow. Cause, right now, this sucks.