More often than not, I seem to dream of my FOO lately. Sometimes they are just there in the background and not really saying or doing anything. Other times they are saying and doing stuff but acting outside their character and being nice, the sort of people I wish they were. And then other times it's as if I'm back in that situation and they are abusing and mistreating me all over again. Those are the ones I hate the most because I always wake up feeling all yucky inside and that tends to cast a pall over my entire day.
A few nights ago, my dream of my FOO was rather strange. NM had just had another baby. A boy, though I don't know if the sex of the child is important. (Considering NM is 58 and had a full hysterectomy years ago, this was quite a feat, even for a dream.) I had gone to the hospital to see my baby brother - though I didn't think of him as my brother but as "NM's baby" in the dream. NHS was holding the baby out in front of her and just staring at him and smiling. SJ and NM were standing beside her, with their arms around one another, and they were also staring and smiling at the child. But it was the WAY they were smiling, almost as if they were worshiping or adoring this newborn child. I kept speaking to them but they never responded.
I started to walk away to leave but kept getting lost and couldn't find my way out of the hospital. I came to a room full of newborn babies. There must have been well over a hundred newborns in there but I don't remember any of them crying, now that I think about it. A nurse commented to me that I should be careful as there may be tuberculosis in there so I ran out of that room and continued trying to find a way out. I woke up before I ever got out.
I'm not sure what these dreams mean but even the "good" ones suck because they still get my mind back to thinking about my stupid FOO which, in turn, triggers all sorts of negative memories and emotional crap for me.
I wonder if the day will ever come when I can think about my FOO it not bring up so much negative, nasty emotional stuff for me. I certainly hope so.
About Me
- DisturbedAngel
- I am 38 years old, married to a wonderful, loving man and the proud stay-at-home mama to a beautiful little boy. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and abusive stepfather. My half sister has always been the golden child and I, the family scapegoat who can never seem to measure up. After years of bending over backward to try and have a good relationship with my half sister, I finally severed contact in March of 2009. Then, in January of 2010, I also severed all contact with my narcissistic mother. (Updated to add that as of May 2011, I've also cut ties with my narcissistic father and stepmother as well.) Currently, I am back in contact with my NM in a limited capacity. Walking away from all that toxicity was a LONG time coming but I can't believe how much better I feel because of it. This diary is intended primarily to be a log of my journey toward healing from the abuses I've endured. I hope it will also become a place where others who've been cast as the family scapegoat or who've been the victims of a narcissist's abuse can find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.
Especially during the first few years of NC with my parents and then the last 9 months of NC with my sister I also had many dreams about them. So when I read this post of yours it really rang true. The vast majority of my dreams of the FOO involve a great deal of conflict, lots of fighting. However, every dream also includes me sticking up for myself and walking away.
ReplyDeleteI think we have amazing brains and what we cannot process during the day, our bodies allow us to process at night. It may not all make sense, sometimes we'll feel utterly gutted after such a dream, but I do feel it leads to a deeper healing from all we've been through.