Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Well, I finally heard from NM...

Got this short but sweet little ditty in my email inbox last night:

Hi-Would it be okay with you, if I stopped by on Thursday afternoon? I have an Easter gift for [ds] that I'd like to give him.


I find this irritating for many reasons. First and foremost, in ds' four years on this earth, this would be the first time NM has ever gotten him anything for Easter. Ever. Secondly, why NOW? Three months of dead silence and acting as if I don't exist anymore and now suddenly she's all sunshine and peaches and wants to stop by for a little visit bearing gifts for ds? Thirdly, why Thursday? Well, because NM knows that dh gets home early on Fridays and she's hoping to get me alone thereby ensuring the best chance of bullying me into submission. Lastly, if getting a gift to ds is so damned important, knowing we aren't speaking, why not just post it to ds?

But, of course, we all know the REAL reason for this little email - NM is running short on supply and needs a "fix". The extended FOO is probably tired of her rants about me by now and has begun telling her "Enough already." and NHS is probably drying up too. Therefore, NM is coming in search of her (past) best source of supply - ME.

I talked to dh a while after reading the email and told him I'd decided I did not want NM coming by the house and I didn't want any gifts from her either. Since dh had previously agreed to handle NM and any other FOO issues after our last talk with NM, I didn't see a problem with wanting him to be the one to contact NM on my behalf. Apparently, I thought wrong.

Dh seems to see no problem with allowing NM to stop by for a visit provided he's here at the time. In his words, I am "withholding" ds from my NM and preventing him from having a relationship with her. I told him he's damn right I'm withholding ds from NM - but not to be malicious. Rather, I'm doing it to PROTECT him. Furthermore, I asked dh just what in the hell it was that ds was supposedly missing out on? Being abused, mistreated and being made to feel small, stupid, insignificant and unloved the way I was made to feel? Ds gets MORE than enough love and grandparent time with my IL's who love him and respect me as ds' mother and a human being.

I went on to add that if NM supposedly cares so damn much and wants a relationship so badly with ds then WHY, pray tell, hasn't she tried to see him in three months? NOT A WORD from her for THREE MONTHS and, prior to that, during our last talk with her, dh basically offered her full access to ds provided she came here to see him and NM flat out said she wasn't interested. Why? Because she doesn't WANT to come HERE to see him, she wants to be able to take him to her house and/or out on her own.

Dh asked what it would take for me to be willing to let NM see ds and I told him, "She can START with a sincere apology." "For what specifically?", dh asked. "Gee, I don't know," I said. "How about allowing me to be abused by her pig husband and my NHS. Abusing me herself. Never being there or supporting me, ever. Need I go on? Any of the above would suffice as a start." Dh still maintained I was apparently being unreasonable for not being willing to allow NM to visit with ds.

I tell you, last night and today have pretty much been hell. The last time dh and I spoke to NM three months ago, the way he talked after NM left, I felt like he finally got it a little. He finally saw her for what she was and was finally on my side. Those feelings only intensified when he said he'd be handling any fallout from my NM or FOO from there on out. For the past three months, I've felt so loved and protected. For the first time ever, it didn't feel like it was me vs. the world. I was part of a TEAM. Until last night. When dh betrayed me by taking NM's side and pulled the rug out from under me and left me alone. When I needed him most.

Worst of all, dh kept maintaining the entire time that he supposedly supports me 100%. Ummm....HOW exactly??

I'm hoping to talk to dh tonight after ds goes to bed and at least get him to agree to trust that my decisions are made with good reason, even if he doesn't understand. And let's face it, who can truly understand unless they've been there? Unless you've lived the chaos and trauma that life with an NM brings with it, you can't truly understand. But the fact that I've gone so far as to completely disinherit my NM in my Will and took the extra measure to specify that, in the event of my death, I didn't want NM, NHS, SJ or BIL to have any contact with my child(ren) whatsoever ought to say a lot.

I'll let you all know how it goes. Wish me luck.



  1. She's playing with your head again. Don't see her and for God's sake don't let her near DS! My mother was one of the people cited by the experts as being primarily responsible for the eating disorder that nearly killed my DD. All because, in spite of everything I thought my kid should have a grandmother...biggest mistake I ever made.

    Your DH is running a few steps behind those of us that have put up with the abuse for so long. Remember how many times we went back for more, thinking our Nparents might have changed? That's where he is...thinking they deserve another chance. Just him being naive due to a lack of lifelong experience. Remind him a leopard doesn't change its spots!

  2. Oh, no worries there Mulder. NM won't be coming here, at least not invited. If she does show up uninvited, she won't be getting in this house and she damn well sure won't be allowed near ds!

  3. DA,

    NM is no doubt up to something, but everything is still on your terms. She only has as much power as you give her. I hope you and DH are able to come to a mutual understanding, because I think he IS on your side.

    Here's why: if NM is "never allowed" to see DS (these are the words I predict she will use, or already has!), it will be a power play in her corner, essentially giving her ammo. What she wants is free-access, and that is never gonna happen. You are the mom, you are in control of your family, and you set the terms.

    I think what DH is getting at (if you'll allow me to speculate here) is that it might cause more drama to never let her see him than it will to allow her to see him on YOUR terms, not that your fears are wrong or bad. Your fears are really important! She is toxic and you're trying to keep your family safe.

    If she chooses not to see DS on your terms, when DH is there, at a time that is good for YOU, then SHE made the choice not to see DS, and it has nothing to do with you "withholding" him. She has to play by your rules or she doesn't get to play.

    I understand your feeling of threat, that you want to protect DS, and you are spot-on. He shouldn't have to spend time alone with her, on her terms. She needs to be supervised. DH should be there.

    I predict it will take the wind right out of her sails, maybe she won't even come. Let her send the easter stuff in the mail if she refuses to agree to your terms.

    Big hugs and support,