Memories...

**WARNING - Contains material of a sensitive nature. Proceed at your own risk!**

Was reading over the various new posts on several blogs I watch and there was a new one from elif at "earth laughs in flowers". In it she talks about her EF's rage and abuse as well as his detailed comments to her about his police training and demonstrations on how easy it was to kill a person so as to strike fear into her as a child. As I read this, it brought up memories of my stepjerk's many abusive rages. Anything could set him off from coming home with a bad grade on my report card to ever so slightly overcooking the garlic bread for dinner. Whatever it was, when it happened, WATCH OUT! Suddenly he'd start screaming insults at you, like telling you how utterly f**king worthless you were. If you were lucky, that's all you got. There were times I got slapped across the face, shoved, had stuff thrown at me - once it was a phone book, it missed but when it hit the wall, the binding actually split and fell apart...that's how hard it was thrown - or he'd grab me and shake me violently and spittle would rain down on my face as he continued screaming insults and curses at me.

The largest percentage of his abuse was verbal, matched closely with physical abuse like slaps, shoves, pushes, stuff thrown at you, etc. There was only one occasion in which he truly beat me up and left bruises all up and down my side.

There was a boy at school, a black boy, who had apparently taken a sick fancy to me. I was not interested in this particular boy but he continued to pursue me. He had given me a very graphic note the day before. I can't remember the whole thing but, basically, he instructed me to meet him at the local park and to wear a skirt and no panties and went on to describe what he wanted to do to me. I had ZERO intention of meeting up with this boy and had planned on throwing the letter away first chance I got but, for whatever reason, I forgot about it and left it in my jean pocket.

Well, NM found it while doing laundry and showed it to SJ who FREAKED out. SJ is EXTREMELY racist. I once invited a friend of mine, another black guy who, though we were friends at the time, I had dated previously. We were supposed to do some studying for a test later in the week. When the boy arrived, SJ went into a rage and actually threatened to KILL the boy if he so much as set one foot in our yard. I remember being horribly embarrassed when I had to go out and explain to the guy why he couldn't come in and we'd have to study at school the next day, etc. Ironically, even my NM acted embarrassed - ironic because she can actually be quite racist herself - and actually came out and apologized to the boy and sat and talked politely with him for a bit.

Anyway, back to my previous story. So SJ was apparently already enraged about the letter, unbeknownst to me at the time. NHS and I were getting ready to go to school that morning and, as we usually did, we had our radio playing some music as we dressed and got ready to go. I don't remember what we were listening to specifically, but I remember it was popular at that time and was hip hop/pop type stuff.

I was on my way to the back bathroom and as I passed SJ in the hall bath, he remarked to me to "Turn that N*GGER shit off!!" I politely said to him, not intending to be "smart" at all, that all he had to do was ask nicely. Then I made a comment about everyone having their own taste and just as he preferred classical music, NHS and I enjoyed what we liked, etc. I turned the music down and again made my way to the back bathroom.

I had just gotten the water to the right temp and had bent over the side of the tub to wet my hair so I could wash it when I felt someone grab a fistful of my hair and jerk my head back. It clipped the faucet as it came up which hurt like a mother humper.

It was SJ and he was screaming at me for being a "smartassed little bitch". I believe there were several curses in there about my supposedly being a "n*gger lover" as well. He repeatedly rained blows down on my head and body. A few times he even picked me up, threw me to the floor and then kicked me - hard - as well. The whole thing maybe lasted a minute or two but it felt like an eternity. And yet, it was over as quickly as it had begun. SJ went back into his own bathroom to finish getting ready for work and I picked myself up off the bathroom floor do finish getting myself ready.

I remember being in total shock over what had just happened. Even now the whole thing seems slightly fuzzy and surreal. One thing I definitely remember though is looking up as my SJ walked away and seeing my NHS standing there with this detached look on her face. It occurred to me that she had probably witnessed the entire scene.

Since I was afraid to speak to NM about the incident - though when I think of it now, I don't see how she couldn't have heard what was going on...WHY didn't she come to see what was happening or intervene? Surely she head what was going on as it was a small house.. - I finished getting ready and made my way to the bus for school. Once at school, I went to the restroom with a friend to look at my body and noticed I had bruises all up and down my side.

When I got home that day, I attempted to talk to NM about what had happened but she didn't believe me. Even when I showed her the bruises, her response was, "I don't know how you got those but I DO know SJ would never do that to you." I also remember NHS standing behind NM with this smug look on her face. For YEARS I doubted my memory about this entire incident. It wasn't until about a year ago when I reconnected on FB with an old high school friend of mine that I realized I WASN'T crazy as the girl admitted that, yes, she remembered that day and had been very concerned for me when she saw the bruises. That incident is the only time I remember the physical abuse being that severe though, not that it matters.

SJ was also sexually inappropriate with me (and NHS in a way though nowhere NEAR the way he was with me) though he never actually touched or molested me in any way. For the most part it was stuff like "accidentally" walking in on me while I was in the bathroom bathing or trying to peek into my room when he suspected I might be dressing. He'd also make highly inappropriate comments about my "huge t*ts" or my "camel toe". It got so that I was highly conscious about what I wore when I was going to be around him and I made sure not to get too close or to put myself in uncomfortable situations with him for fear of what he might try. Being around him made me feel tainted or "dirty" in some way. It was as if the air suddenly became tainted when he'd come near me.

SJ had supposedly been sent to Catholic school as a young boy. I remember hearing horror stories about the horrid nuns and how abusive and mean they were. One story SJ like to tell in particular was about how they'd make bad kids kneel on rice grains on a hard surface. You could be there for hours, according to SJ. I don't know if it was true or not but he took this idea and made up a sort of punishment of his own called the "nose press". It involved standing with the tip of your nose touching the wall. Sometimes you'd stand there for a few minutes. Other times you could be there for an hour or more. What you did had no bearing on how long you stood there. Rather, it depended on SJ's mood and how merciful he felt like being at that given time.

The nose presses in and of themselves weren't so bad. I much rather would have had one of those than a spanking (or should I say a beating with SJ's belt?) save for one thing.........SJ would often come up behind you - or, more appropriately, ME - and shove me so that my nose was slammed painfully into the wall. It got so that whenever he'd have me do one of his "nose presses" that I'd stiffen and/or flinch if he walked too near me for fear he'd shove me and slam my nose into the wall. My nose never bled but there were times it felt like it should be bleeding for how hard he'd shoved my nose into the damn wall.

I can also remember SJ showing NHS and I karate moves and telling us how one could incapacitate and/or kill someone if he wanted to. For all I know, SJ never took a karate class in his life. But given his size of close to 300 pounds and well over 6 feet height, he was very scarily convincing to me.

If you were to ask me today, at nearly 34 years of age, if I am afraid of SJ, the answer would be most definitely yes. I've witnessed firsthand his blind rages and his sadistic comments and behaviors. I've seen the evil and coldness in him as he speaks very nastily about God and Christianity. The look I see in his eyes when he talks about those things, it's what I imagine it would be like to look into the eyes of the Devil himself. You can actually FEEL the evil in the air it's so potent around him. But mostly it's his physical violence that I fear, especially when he's in a drunken rage. I've seen him slam doors so hard they actually came loosened a bit from the wall casing. I've seen items thrown with such force that they shattered or fell apart - like that phone book - when they hit the wall or the floor. I've felt the strength in his arms and hands as he held me and shook me violently while he screamed at me. Worst of all, I don't think for a second that he'd stop to consider the effect his behavior might have on my ds or that he'd refrain from hurting me because ds was here at the time. He ever shows up on my door, I'm locking myself in a closet with my ds and calling 911.

Sometimes, like now, I think back on the stuff I've survived and been through and I can't believe that I'm not only still here but that I'm SANE. I also wonder what the hell took me so long to walk away from it all. But, the important things are that I DID survive, I AM still here, I AM sane, I have a wonderful, loving family with my dh and ds and my IL's who love and support me and I've finally found the courage to break free and walk away from the abuse and dysfunction.

Continued drama with NM/FOO situation...

Got this email from my aunt N in my inbox earlier today:

~~~~~

DA and (NM's name),

You've both emailed me back to say you've been completely honest with your stories.

DA, your inlaws claim that (NM's name) went over to their home, paraded (NHS' two kids names) in front of them, asking them if they seemed abused, and had a not-so-nice confrontation that put them in the middle of the your situation because NM cannot see ds. Your MIL also claims that when NM saw ds in the store, that he did not know NM and they did not talk-she and ds went directly to the car, where MIL asked ds if he knew who that lady was.

(NM's name), you claim that you dropped the gift off without incident, and later on saw ds, MIL and SIL in the store where you conversed; ds gave you a hug and was very excited to see you, and that MIL agreed that this whole thing between you and DA needs to end. She even offered to let you come to her house to see ds.

Those are the 2 stories, and I can believe or disbelieve each of them. This is a horrible situation, and sadness and anger abounds all around. I felt that you both need to know that we, your family, are getting different versions of the same story. The way you handle it is up to each of you.

I love each of you. I hate to be the one to bring this to your attention, but I feel it's only fair that you each know what's going on.

Love, N

~~~~~

I felt physically ILL after receiving this email. While I wanted to trust that my IL's would never do anything like going behind my back to let NM see ds, the seeds of doubt had been sown. Since then, I've spoken with dh who had spoken with his parents before that as well as speaking with my MIL myself. There's still a tiny bit of unease in my gut but, for the most part, I'm now sure NM is lying and feel this was likely NM's plan all along - to try and ruin my relationship between myself and my IL's.

Sent this response to my aunt N:

~~~~~

N,

I love you and appreciate what you're trying to do, really I do, but in all honesty I don't want this fixed. I don't want to hear about mom. I don't want her knowing anything about me. I want nothing more to do with her. PERIOD.

Because of her and this recent bullshit, I now don't even feel I can safely send my son to my inlaws house for fear that mom may go over there to see him. THIS is what having mom in any aspect of my life results in - pain, anger and destruction of whatever little support I've been able to build for myself. Which is why I'm done.

Please respect this. (And this goes for EVERYONE, Gram B included.)

DA

~~~~~

This was what I got back:

DA,

Ok, if that's how you want it, so be it. Let me ask you one question-this is the question I have been asking myself for 2 long days.

If ds had denied knowing NM in the grocery store, why would NM have called Gram B that afternoon all happy that she not only got to spend time with NHS' two kids, but she was blessed with seeing and spending 15 minutes with ds? Does NOT make any sense. If it happened as your MIL claims, NM would have been in tears and would have been on the phone to me or to Gram B. This is why I brought this to both of your attentions-not to re-introduce this "bullshit". Truth be known, this is not NM's fault-she only had glowing things to say about ds, and she was very happy about her day on Sunday-she said NOTHING about you at all. It was you and your inlaws that made HER seem like a loon.

That's it for me. I will not say one more word to you about your mother or this situation unless you bring it up.

Love, N

~~~~~

"Love" N, indeed! So basically, NM is once again the victim and it's me and my evil IL's who are out to get her! What utter rubbish!

I also sent her this, though I sent it before reading the last email above:

~~~~~

N,

Just wanted to say this and then I'm washing my hands of the issue and moving on. I spoke with dh who called and spoke with his parents and then I called and spoke with them also. This is what was said to me by them as well as what they told dh:

a) Regarding the store incident, MIL and ds were approached in the store by mom who was acting all dramatic. Mom moved in to hug ds who actually backed away and was acting shy. I believe he was acting shy because it's how he's ALWAYS acted when he sees mom. As soon as she was finished paying, MIL left the store and once back in the car, asked ds if he knew who that was and ds said no. As I told you yesterday, when I asked ds myself, he admitted he knew it was grandma and I told him it was okay if he talked about her, missed her and loved her.

b) Regarding the home visit where mom dropped off the gift, it went exactly as they'd told me yesterday. Mom paraded NHS' two kids around and made the comment about "Do they look abused?" and then later asked why she wasn't allowed to have ds on her own. MIL says she said to mom exactly what she already told me in a polite but firm manner.

c) At no point did MIL EVER say that mom was welcome to see ds at their house. What WAS said was that mom was welcome to come by and visit THEM if she wanted and could also come get some of FIL's potatoes when the crop came in (though that may have changed now as, like most people, they don't appreciate being lied about and manipulated) but NO mention was made at any point of her being welcome to see ds at their house. According to them, and they don't say things like this about people often (or ever that I can remember), mom's claim that they said that is "an outright LIE". Truly, they are VERY upset with mom right now and rightfully so, I think.

If you don't want to take my word for it, you can contact dh directly via email at ############@gmail.com or you can even contact MIL via facebook. I'm sure she'd have no problem telling you herself what went on yesterday.

I also feel you should know that my father in law also mentioned to dh on the phone that mom made the comment to them recently that you are fully on her side, think I'M in the wrong and have supposedly agreed to "talk some sense into me" for her. So now not only have seeds of doubt been planted by mom between me and my inlaws but I now have doubts as to your motives. Not that I WANT to, mind you. I love you and want to believe that your motives are pure. But you see, THIS is what mom does. She poisons any relationships I have so that I am alone without support and will come crawling back to her. In the past, that's exactly what I've done. Not this time. Not ever again.

Mom knows EXACTLY how long it's taken me to create a good relationship with my inlaws and, as has always been the case with any relationship I've ever had, mom is insanely jealous of that relationship and is now working overtime to poison and destroy it. This is the final straw for me with her. As I said before, I want nothing more to do with her and her manipulative, abusive behaviors.

Again, I love you dearly and appreciate what you've tried to do to fix things but this just can't be fixed nor am I interested in fixing it anymore. Mom is sick. I get that now and while it saddens me deeply, I am at peace with what is. I wish her well and hope, for her sake, she's able to get her life together some day but I simply can't expose myself and my family to her sickness anymore. I hope you can understand and will respect my decision and just let this go. Continuing to try and fix it won't change mom and will serve only to further hurt and frustrate you.

Much love to you,

DA xx

~~~~~

After that, I got this from aunt N:

~~~~~

Oh DA, how did things ever get this bad? I am sitting here crying. I can't help it. When people I love are hurt, I can't help it-it tears me apart.

I know how hard you've worked on your relationship with your inlaws. I've been so happy that you DO have a good relationship with them because you have such a lousy family yourself. I do not need to contact dh or MIL. I DO trust you and believe that what you are saying is the truth as you know it. As I said before, I brought all this up because the 2 stories made no sense, and still don't make any kind of sense to me. I have not received an email back from your mother, so perhaps that will answer some of those questions, and perhaps it won't.

As for being on NM's side? Yes, I am on NM's side. I'm also on YOUR side. I have been the only one in this family who stands up for you and has informed anyone about the problems not being all your fault. I have made Gram B understand that NM has major issues and that she NEEDS help. I have no ulterior motive-if you do not trust me, I understand why, but the only thing I have ever shared with you, (and NM), is the simple TRUTH. I don't gild the lily or sweeten the pot. TRUTH. It hurts sometimes, and yes, I HAVE hurt you in the past by being brutally honest with you. I'm being brutally honest when I say that I am truly not on anyone's side. I'm here to listen, and to call out when something doesn't sit right with me. This whole thing doesn't sit right with me, and if I find out that NM has fabricated this whole thing, she will be exposed not only to me, but to Gram B too. It's one thing to elaborate-quite another to make up stories.

Ok, I have to run. I have another appointment to have this scar injected.

Love you, N

~~~~~

Dh sent aunt N an email standing up for me and reiterating all that I've said thus far about NM as well as adding some of his own evidence regarding NM. I told him not to bother as it won't change anything or do any good but he apparently had his own reasons so, whatever.

Here is her response to his email:

~~~~~

Oh (dh's name), DA is so dang blessed to have you in her life. Thank you so much for this email. It puts to rest so many concerns I have-I sit up here worrying like crazy about certain things, and yes-I become a busy body and get involved. I can't help myself. I love these two women, and I honestly cannot understand why they can't build a wonderful relationship. NM was put through hell with DA's father. DA was fought over for many years. Sadly, I always thought that everything down in N. Carolina was fine-I had no idea that DA was so unhappy for so many years. (that stuff was never shared or talked about) It wasn't until a few years ago that I actually learned and understood just how deep those problems were for DA. I am so dang proud of her-she has really come a long way from the person she was just a few short years ago.

As for NM, I think that I've known for a long time that she has issues. When she went to the therapist, I BEGGED her to tell the therapist exactly what DA's diagnosis' are, and how to forge a relationship with a person like DA. I also begged her to tell the therapist about DA's father AND (stepjerk's name), and all the deep seated issues surrounding that, hoping that they could make some positive progress. She promised me she would......never happened. All that came from that bout with a therapist was she got stepjerk to have her diamond from DA's dad put into a new setting for herself. (Frankly, I wear diamonds from MY husband-not an ex, but that's a whole other issue)

Anyway, you are so right. NM feels that she has done no wrong and in fact, she is waiting for DA to come to her senses.

If you had emailed me this version of what happened at your parent's home and also at the grocery store, I probably wouldn't have sent out that email last night. I got an email from DA stating that NM went over to your folk's home, paraded the kids around, and yelled to your mom that SHE paid for ds' gift-not stepjerk. Then, in another email, DA said that NM saw ds and your mom in the store, and ds didn't know her and basically they had no significant contact. The email from NM told a different story. Nothing about going over to your folk's home, but OH MY, she got to see ds in the grocery. He was so excited to see her, told her he loved her, and MIL, SIL, and NM had a regular gab-fest in the store. Everyone had tears in their eyes, etc. Honestly (dh's name), I was so confused. I didn't know what to do-someone was elaborating and/or lying. In my heart, I didn't want it to be either NM or DA, so I kinda hoped it was your parents. (insert embarassment here)

I hate to say it, but I have to agree with everything you've said in this email. It's NM making her own world acceptable to herself-she sees things in a certain light so that she can live with the choices she's made and the events that have followed. Doesn't give me any satisfaction knowing this. It hurts me deeply knowing that my sister is mentally ill. Stepjerk is also a large part of her problem-he, being abnormal, doesn't recognize the illness in NM, therefore nothing gets done. If the truth be told, I am so worried about NM. If anything happens to stepjerk, I have no idea how she will survive. She is totally dependent on him for so much and all she's good at is spending money. I know this is just a way to cover up her unhappiness, but how can I get that through to her? I've tried-Lord, I have tried. Even my mom tells me not to worry-at this point in time, to just put it into God's hands and what will be, will be.

Thank you for your email. I'd love to keep in touch with you. Please be assured that even though I love my sister, I also love DA, and all I want for her is for her to be loved and to be happy. You are a special person (dh's name). I know that given your family history, it cannot be easy to deal with this kind of stuff. I am so happy that DA has your parents that she feels comfortable with, and that she has a place in this world where she feels loved and respected. There is nothing to replace that in this world and nothing more important. Bottom line is that even though this caused a big ruckus, it was dealt with properly because the TRUTH is out and is known to those who treasure the simple things in life.

You guys are going to raise a great kid. Ds is lucky to have you both.

Love, N

~~~~~

This has been "dealt with properly" my ass.

This whole mess has left a bad taste in my mouth with my aunt N and I don't think I'll be talking with her much at all anymore except about general stuff like the weather.

In the meantime, I'm just going to sit back and wait for NM to self-destruct. I doubt it'll be long since she seems to be well on her way. If she truly is "waiting for me to come to my senses", she's going to be waiting forever, at least in the way she means it. Because, you see, I have come to my senses and seen NM for the hateful, vindictive bitch she is which is exactly why I WONT be crawling back to her now or anytime ever again.

Just got an email response from my aunt N...

It reads:

~~~~~~

Dear (NM's name) and DA,

Over the years, I've tried really hard to be the go-between for you and maintain neutrality. You both know how important the truth is to me-if I've said it once, I'll say it again-the truth will set you free. Recently, I've received an email from you DA, stating things that happened over this last weekend. (NM's name), I've heard your version of the weekend's events from Mom. The 2 stories are nothing alike. If I didn't know the two of you, I would think the events happened at different times or in different families.

I honestly don't know what to say to either of you. Please don't call me and try to tell me that YOU are the one who is telling the truth. I will not share with either of you what the other one has said, but I have to say that I WOULD appreciate someone coming clean and telling me the truth. I'm not going to go back and forth and rehash who said what. You both know what you've said or written, and you both know what is the truth and what is elaboration or untruth.

I love you both, and this whole situation is difficult and very uncomfortable for me. I was just going to ignore it and let it go, but something is very wrong here when 2 people are talking about the same people and the same events, that happened on the same day, and the 2 stories are totally different. Perhaps that is part of what is wrong between the two of you.

Love, N

~~~~~~

Right now, I am seriously so fracking mad at that bitch, aka my "mother", that I could scream! Once again, because of her flipping bullshit, my extended FOO - especially my aunt N who was the ONE person in my entire FOO who gave enough of a shite to actually LISTEN to me and hear me out - has been turned against me and for WHAT??! So that NM can get herself another freaking pity party??! A few scraps of N supply??

Worst of all, but then this is often the case, I didn't even DO anything. I was just sitting at home, living my life, minding my own business cleaning my house and playing with my ds and - WHAM! - out of nowhere I get a call from my FIL saying that my NM just called and now all hell is breaking loose.

I am seriously SO sick and tired of this bullshit. Immediately upon reading this email, I didn't know whether to punch my fist through a wall or just start sobbing. After a long bitch and sob fest, I'm now feeling considerably better but I'm still pissed as hell.

Just LET that bitch call here. I wish to God she would because I have a whole fracking lot I'd like to say to her stupid, lying ass. Freaking BITCH. I HATE her. The fact that I was actually thinking of contacting her just two days ago makes me want to vomit. It will be a cold day in hell before I EVER contact that bitch again. (And even then it ain't happening!)

Hope it was all worth it to her.

Not sure what I'm feeling at the moment...

A few things have happened since my last post. One, my NM came back into town late Friday afternoon so she was home for ds' birthday weekend after all. I spoke to my aunt N on Friday via instant messaging and she happened to mention that my NM seemed really upset, as if she really missed having ds and I in her life. According to my aunt N, NM seemed genuinely sad. That really stuck with me and I found myself questioning my beliefs and actions of the past several months. Mostly I wondered, 'Is my M really an N?'

As we were driving to my IL's house Saturday for ds' birthday party (ds was already at my IL's house as they'd picked him up earlier that day so as to have extra time with him), I talked with dh about it and told him of my thought processes over the past day and a half. Dh said that he didn't doubt NM was possibly feeling upset or sad, at which point I interrupted him and said, "Yes but doesn't that then prove she's not N since N's don't feel sad or miss people in that way?" Dh responded that there was no one mold that applied to all N's. Rather, there were varying degrees of N. While some may be totally incapable of feeling sadness or missing someone in their absence, others may very well feel those things. That made a lot of sense to me.

Since that talk, I'd been thinking of NM and, while I wasn't totally aware of it at the time, I suppose I may have been tinkering with the idea of breaking NC and maybe trying things with her again.

Forward to today.

I was doing stuff around the house with ds this morning when the phone rang. It was my FIL. He said, "Your M just called here." I said, "MY mom?" and he said, "Yeah. She wanted to drop off a present for ds for his birthday here, since she's not welcome or allowed at your house and wanted to know if (MIL's name) would bring it to him." I said that I supposed it would be alright and thanked him for letting me know about NM's call.

I wasn't terribly upset at first about it. I mean, I was upset she'd once again found a way to drag my IL's into her drama but, over all, I didn't really see any real harm having been done so I just kind of shrugged it off.

Shortly after that, ds said he wanted to go over to my IL's and visit for a bit so I called to be sure my NM had come and gone and then drove ds over there to drop him off. Before I left, MIL mentioned to me that NM had come over with my N half sis' two kids in tow. Shortly after getting in the door, NM paraded them around dramatically and said to my IL's, "Do you see any bruises on these kids? Do they look abused?" The implication being that supposedly dh and I said we worried for ds' physical safety, specifically that NM would abuse him, if she were allowed to have him on her own. Not true. MIL told NM that that wasn't our worry. I don't know if NM responded to that or not.

Then MIL says that NM made the comment that she wasn't allowed to see ds or otherwise stated that we - dh and I - were keeping her from seeing ds. MIL again told NM that that wasn't true, that dh and I had offered NM to visit with ds as often as she liked only she had to visit with him here at the house. NM's response was to ask (yet again), "Yes but WHY?? WHY couldn't I take him to my house or have him on my own? WHY???" To MIL's credit - and this is huge because MIL hates confrontation and will generally go out of her way to avoid it - MIL said to NM, "(NM's name), if you don't know the answer to that question by now then there's really nothing more for me to say."

NM, apparently realizing she wasn't going to get anywhere with my IL's, took NHS' two kids and left but not before adding snarkily, "Oh and you can tell DA and (dh's name) that the money for ds' gift didn't come from (stepjerk's name). It came from MY money I made selling my jewelry." This goes back to Xmastime when NM told me, after I "disrespected" her with my gift of a charity donation in her name, that I WOULD, in the future, honor my abusive stepjerk with gifts on any and all gift giving holidays since any gifts given to us came from HIS money. Refusing to honor the man who abused me all of my life, I returned the gift card to my NM.

I thought that was the end of the whole mess today but, when MIL brought ds back home later this afternoon, she said that while she and ds were at the local grocery store, they ran into NM. As they were finishing up checking out, there wasn't much MIL could do. As it was, NM got to fawn over ds for a few seconds and then MIL made a hasty retreat. Once safely back in the car, MIL asked ds if he knew who that lady was in the store and was surprised to hear ds reply, "I don't know nana." MIL, thinking he may be joking around, said to ds, "Are you sure you didn't recognize that lady?" and ds said, "No nana. I don't know that lady."

How sad is that? My ds didn't even recognize his own grandmother. It's only been about 3 1/2 months since he last saw her and he doesn't know her yet he can see a picture of my aunt N or my dad and SM, neither of whom he's seen in over a year, and he knows instantly who they are. But then, they're always calling him to talk to him on the phone or sending him little gifts and stuff "just because". So because they've invested the time and taken the effort to get to know him, he remembers them. Says a lot about my NM and her efforts, doesn't it?

How do I feel about all this? I'm a little angry, though angry seems a bit too strong a word. I'm more upset that NM drug my IL's into the middle of her drama, though it's actually turned out to be a bit of a good thing because now my IL's have seen NM in action for themselves so it's no longer a case of them taking dh's and my word for it. Mostly, I'm sad that ds doesn't even recognize his own grandmother when he should know her instantly and love her and have wonderful memories of times spent with her. But I don't suppose there's anyone but NM to blame for that.

It'll be interesting to see whether or not I hear anything from NM in the upcoming week. Clearly she's growing increasingly desperate for some n supply as I can't say as I remember her ever exposing herself (for the wackjob she is) in this way previously. This "I'm just giving DA her space" act can't last forever. Pretty soon the "Stop acting like this right now!" emails and/or the "DA....please pick up the phone and talk to me" voice mails will start. It's only a matter of when.

Proof...

At least that's how I see it.

Found out from my aunt last week while we were chatting that my aunt N and her dh will be on vacation this week in Florida. With NM and SJ. At NM and SJ's timeshare.

Now I happen to know for a fact that these little vacations are always planned well in advance by at least 2 to 3 months, if not more. So NM knew she'd be out of town this week through the weekend. The significance of this information, you ask? Well, ds' fourth birthday is this weekend.

Since many, if not all of you are still probably scratching your heads, let me put it this way - I have been NC for just over three months now, which is about how long NM has probably had this trip planned for. This means that NM planned her little vacation for this weekend knowing full well she'd be out of town for ds' birthday. Even if she planned it AFTER I'd stopped talking with her, which I highly doubt based on past vacations which she and SJ always planned further in advance, she had no way of knowing that we wouldn't be talking again by then. After all, I've never actually told her anything, I just simply stopped playing her ridiculous games and have gone about my life. I've never issued any ultimatums or told her, "That's it. I'm done."

All this adds up to further proof, at least in my mind, that NM doesn't give a flying fig about ds. Of course, I'm sure that won't stop her from crying the blues to anyone and everyone who will listen about how I've kept her from yet another of her precious grandson's birthdays. (I was NC temporarily with NM last year around the same time.) "She didn't even invite me to his birthday!", is what I'm sure I'll hear back through the grapevine. Though the fact that she was out of town that weekend will likely be conveniently left out of her story. And, once again, I'll be the bad one and NM will be the poor victim.

Disgusting.

Today is my three month anniversary...

...of being NC with NM that is! It's kind of crazy that it's been that long already. It seems like it's been maybe a month at most.

This is the longest I've ever gone without speaking to or seeing her. I can't help but wonder what's going through her mind. Is she starting to worry that her best chew toy may really not come back, that maybe she really did push things too far this time? Does she realize or care how long it's been? Is she plotting to contact me soon to try and guilt me into coming back?

Not that I'm afraid. I'm not really worried much anymore about what she'll do. I feel stronger now than I have in a long time, especially now that I know dh backs me 100%. So whether it's a guilt-laden email, a "shame on you" voicemail message or an impromptu visit to my house unannounced, I feel fairly certain I could handle it. I may be upset for a short while afterward but I don't think it would be as before where I was upset for days, if not a week or more.

Another thing...I would have expected, when she contacted me via email a week or so ago, to have a part of me that wanted to reconnect with her. Instead, I was very surprised at just how much I didn't want to reconnect with her. Even the thought of going back into that whole mess was enough to practically send me into a full on panic attack.

There is a very small part of me that misses what could have been. During some of the times when I'm just sitting and relaxing and ds is in bed and it is quiet in the house, I'll occasionally think of the relationship I would have liked to have had with my mother. I'll think of the relationship that could have been if only NM could meet me half way. If only she'd be willing to accept some responsibility for the way things are. If only she would see my pain and feel badly about it. If only she wasn't a narcissist. I don't think of it often. Not because I try not to but because I'm busy living my life with my dh and ds. But the times I do think of her like that, I feel a bit of sadness in my heart.

There are some who think me wrong or cruel for going NC with my mother. What they don't seem to understand is that I never wanted this. I wish so much that things could have been different and would have given just about anything to have had a close, loving, healthy relationship with my mother and half sister. Sadly, however, things just didn't work out that way. Despite my best efforts - and good Lord how I tried - they just refused to see reality and remained firmly stuck in their dysfunctional existence.

There is a part of me that is still angry and bitter for all the wrongs and abuses that were perpetrated against me, and rightfully so but, more than anything these days, what I feel is ......indifference. Actually, indifference isn't totally accurate since there is a part of me that wishes them all well. Some may think me crazy for feeling that way but, as a human being, as a wife and mother, as a Christian woman, as ME, I want to be the sort of person who doesn't hold grudges. Who lets go of the anger and bitterness and who sees value in all life, even those who are toxic, if that makes sense. I think I've achieved that to a large extent, though I still have a ways to go yet.

I'm actually looking forward to seeing how I'll feel and where things will be in another three months....in nine more months, when I've been one year NC....beyond that. I really like the person I'm becoming without all the toxicity and negative influences in my life. :o)

DA

Some Characteristics of Adults Shamed in Childhood...

A fellow sister from the DoNM board found this great stuff from Author Jane Middleton-Moz and posted it on the board. As I read it, I found that pretty much all of them applied to me and my life. Thought I'd share it with all of you to see if it applied to any of you as well.


Some Characteristics Of Adults Shamed In Childhood

1. Adults shamed as children are afraid of vulnerability and fear of exposure of the self.

2. Adults shamed as children may suffer extreme shyness, embarrassment and feelings of being inferior to others. They don't believe they make mistakes. Instead they believe they are mistakes.

3. Adults shamed as children fear intimacy and tend to avoid real commitment in relationships. These adults frequently express the feeling that one foot is out of the door prepared to run.

4. Adults shamed as children may appear either grandiose and self-centered or seem selfless.

5. Adults shamed as children feel that, "No matter what I do, it won't make a difference; I am and always will be worthless and unlovable."

6. Adults shamed as children frequently feel defensive when even a minor negative feedback is given. They suffer feelings of severe humiliation if forced to look at mistakes or imperfections.

7. Adults shamed as children frequently blame others before they can be blamed.

8. Adults shamed as children may suffer from debilitating guilt These individuals apologize constantly. They assume responsibility for the behavior of those around them.

9. Adults shamed as children feel like outsiders. They feel a pervasive sense of loneliness throughout their lives, even when surrounded with those who love and care.

10. Adults shamed as children project their beliefs about themselves onto others. They engage in mind-reading that is not in their favor, consistently feeling judged by others.

11. Adults shamed as children often feel ugly, flawed and imperfect. These feelings regarding self may lead to focus on clothing and makeup in an attempt to hide flaws in personal appearance and self.

12. Adults shamed as children often feel angry and judgmental towards the qualities in others that they feel ashamed of in themselves. This can lead to shaming others.

13. Adults shamed as children often feel controlled from the outside as well as from within. Normal spontaneous expression is blocked.

14. Adults shamed as children feel they must do things perfectly or not at all. This internalized belief frequently leads to performance anxiety and procrastination.

15. Adults shamed as children experience depression.

16. Adults shamed as children block their feelings of shame through compulsive behaviors like workaholism, eating disorders, shopping, substance abuse, list-making or gambling.

17. Adults shamed as children lie to themselves and others.

18. Adults shamed as children often have caseloads rather than friendships.

19. Adults shamed as children often involve themselves in compulsive processing of past interactions and events and intellectualization as a defense against pain.

20. Adults shamed as children have little sense of emotional boundaries. They feel constantly violated by others. They frequently build false boundaries through walls, rage, pleasing or isolation.

21. Adults shamed as children are stuck in dependency or counter-dependency.

by Jane Middleton-Moz

Dh has come back to the light...

Just wanted to update everyone and let you know that, despite some initial problems, I think I finally got through to dh. He came home from work the other day, apologized for making me feel that he was ever not on my side and added that no amount of benefit that ds may (or may not) get out of a relationship with NM is worth it if it means I lose a part of myself as a mother, wife and person. So, in short, all is once again well in my household and dh and I are back on the same page! Yay!

DA