Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Continued drama with NM/FOO situation...

Got this email from my aunt N in my inbox earlier today:


DA and (NM's name),

You've both emailed me back to say you've been completely honest with your stories.

DA, your inlaws claim that (NM's name) went over to their home, paraded (NHS' two kids names) in front of them, asking them if they seemed abused, and had a not-so-nice confrontation that put them in the middle of the your situation because NM cannot see ds. Your MIL also claims that when NM saw ds in the store, that he did not know NM and they did not talk-she and ds went directly to the car, where MIL asked ds if he knew who that lady was.

(NM's name), you claim that you dropped the gift off without incident, and later on saw ds, MIL and SIL in the store where you conversed; ds gave you a hug and was very excited to see you, and that MIL agreed that this whole thing between you and DA needs to end. She even offered to let you come to her house to see ds.

Those are the 2 stories, and I can believe or disbelieve each of them. This is a horrible situation, and sadness and anger abounds all around. I felt that you both need to know that we, your family, are getting different versions of the same story. The way you handle it is up to each of you.

I love each of you. I hate to be the one to bring this to your attention, but I feel it's only fair that you each know what's going on.

Love, N


I felt physically ILL after receiving this email. While I wanted to trust that my IL's would never do anything like going behind my back to let NM see ds, the seeds of doubt had been sown. Since then, I've spoken with dh who had spoken with his parents before that as well as speaking with my MIL myself. There's still a tiny bit of unease in my gut but, for the most part, I'm now sure NM is lying and feel this was likely NM's plan all along - to try and ruin my relationship between myself and my IL's.

Sent this response to my aunt N:



I love you and appreciate what you're trying to do, really I do, but in all honesty I don't want this fixed. I don't want to hear about mom. I don't want her knowing anything about me. I want nothing more to do with her. PERIOD.

Because of her and this recent bullshit, I now don't even feel I can safely send my son to my inlaws house for fear that mom may go over there to see him. THIS is what having mom in any aspect of my life results in - pain, anger and destruction of whatever little support I've been able to build for myself. Which is why I'm done.

Please respect this. (And this goes for EVERYONE, Gram B included.)



This was what I got back:


Ok, if that's how you want it, so be it. Let me ask you one question-this is the question I have been asking myself for 2 long days.

If ds had denied knowing NM in the grocery store, why would NM have called Gram B that afternoon all happy that she not only got to spend time with NHS' two kids, but she was blessed with seeing and spending 15 minutes with ds? Does NOT make any sense. If it happened as your MIL claims, NM would have been in tears and would have been on the phone to me or to Gram B. This is why I brought this to both of your attentions-not to re-introduce this "bullshit". Truth be known, this is not NM's fault-she only had glowing things to say about ds, and she was very happy about her day on Sunday-she said NOTHING about you at all. It was you and your inlaws that made HER seem like a loon.

That's it for me. I will not say one more word to you about your mother or this situation unless you bring it up.

Love, N


"Love" N, indeed! So basically, NM is once again the victim and it's me and my evil IL's who are out to get her! What utter rubbish!

I also sent her this, though I sent it before reading the last email above:



Just wanted to say this and then I'm washing my hands of the issue and moving on. I spoke with dh who called and spoke with his parents and then I called and spoke with them also. This is what was said to me by them as well as what they told dh:

a) Regarding the store incident, MIL and ds were approached in the store by mom who was acting all dramatic. Mom moved in to hug ds who actually backed away and was acting shy. I believe he was acting shy because it's how he's ALWAYS acted when he sees mom. As soon as she was finished paying, MIL left the store and once back in the car, asked ds if he knew who that was and ds said no. As I told you yesterday, when I asked ds myself, he admitted he knew it was grandma and I told him it was okay if he talked about her, missed her and loved her.

b) Regarding the home visit where mom dropped off the gift, it went exactly as they'd told me yesterday. Mom paraded NHS' two kids around and made the comment about "Do they look abused?" and then later asked why she wasn't allowed to have ds on her own. MIL says she said to mom exactly what she already told me in a polite but firm manner.

c) At no point did MIL EVER say that mom was welcome to see ds at their house. What WAS said was that mom was welcome to come by and visit THEM if she wanted and could also come get some of FIL's potatoes when the crop came in (though that may have changed now as, like most people, they don't appreciate being lied about and manipulated) but NO mention was made at any point of her being welcome to see ds at their house. According to them, and they don't say things like this about people often (or ever that I can remember), mom's claim that they said that is "an outright LIE". Truly, they are VERY upset with mom right now and rightfully so, I think.

If you don't want to take my word for it, you can contact dh directly via email at ############@gmail.com or you can even contact MIL via facebook. I'm sure she'd have no problem telling you herself what went on yesterday.

I also feel you should know that my father in law also mentioned to dh on the phone that mom made the comment to them recently that you are fully on her side, think I'M in the wrong and have supposedly agreed to "talk some sense into me" for her. So now not only have seeds of doubt been planted by mom between me and my inlaws but I now have doubts as to your motives. Not that I WANT to, mind you. I love you and want to believe that your motives are pure. But you see, THIS is what mom does. She poisons any relationships I have so that I am alone without support and will come crawling back to her. In the past, that's exactly what I've done. Not this time. Not ever again.

Mom knows EXACTLY how long it's taken me to create a good relationship with my inlaws and, as has always been the case with any relationship I've ever had, mom is insanely jealous of that relationship and is now working overtime to poison and destroy it. This is the final straw for me with her. As I said before, I want nothing more to do with her and her manipulative, abusive behaviors.

Again, I love you dearly and appreciate what you've tried to do to fix things but this just can't be fixed nor am I interested in fixing it anymore. Mom is sick. I get that now and while it saddens me deeply, I am at peace with what is. I wish her well and hope, for her sake, she's able to get her life together some day but I simply can't expose myself and my family to her sickness anymore. I hope you can understand and will respect my decision and just let this go. Continuing to try and fix it won't change mom and will serve only to further hurt and frustrate you.

Much love to you,

DA xx


After that, I got this from aunt N:


Oh DA, how did things ever get this bad? I am sitting here crying. I can't help it. When people I love are hurt, I can't help it-it tears me apart.

I know how hard you've worked on your relationship with your inlaws. I've been so happy that you DO have a good relationship with them because you have such a lousy family yourself. I do not need to contact dh or MIL. I DO trust you and believe that what you are saying is the truth as you know it. As I said before, I brought all this up because the 2 stories made no sense, and still don't make any kind of sense to me. I have not received an email back from your mother, so perhaps that will answer some of those questions, and perhaps it won't.

As for being on NM's side? Yes, I am on NM's side. I'm also on YOUR side. I have been the only one in this family who stands up for you and has informed anyone about the problems not being all your fault. I have made Gram B understand that NM has major issues and that she NEEDS help. I have no ulterior motive-if you do not trust me, I understand why, but the only thing I have ever shared with you, (and NM), is the simple TRUTH. I don't gild the lily or sweeten the pot. TRUTH. It hurts sometimes, and yes, I HAVE hurt you in the past by being brutally honest with you. I'm being brutally honest when I say that I am truly not on anyone's side. I'm here to listen, and to call out when something doesn't sit right with me. This whole thing doesn't sit right with me, and if I find out that NM has fabricated this whole thing, she will be exposed not only to me, but to Gram B too. It's one thing to elaborate-quite another to make up stories.

Ok, I have to run. I have another appointment to have this scar injected.

Love you, N


Dh sent aunt N an email standing up for me and reiterating all that I've said thus far about NM as well as adding some of his own evidence regarding NM. I told him not to bother as it won't change anything or do any good but he apparently had his own reasons so, whatever.

Here is her response to his email:


Oh (dh's name), DA is so dang blessed to have you in her life. Thank you so much for this email. It puts to rest so many concerns I have-I sit up here worrying like crazy about certain things, and yes-I become a busy body and get involved. I can't help myself. I love these two women, and I honestly cannot understand why they can't build a wonderful relationship. NM was put through hell with DA's father. DA was fought over for many years. Sadly, I always thought that everything down in N. Carolina was fine-I had no idea that DA was so unhappy for so many years. (that stuff was never shared or talked about) It wasn't until a few years ago that I actually learned and understood just how deep those problems were for DA. I am so dang proud of her-she has really come a long way from the person she was just a few short years ago.

As for NM, I think that I've known for a long time that she has issues. When she went to the therapist, I BEGGED her to tell the therapist exactly what DA's diagnosis' are, and how to forge a relationship with a person like DA. I also begged her to tell the therapist about DA's father AND (stepjerk's name), and all the deep seated issues surrounding that, hoping that they could make some positive progress. She promised me she would......never happened. All that came from that bout with a therapist was she got stepjerk to have her diamond from DA's dad put into a new setting for herself. (Frankly, I wear diamonds from MY husband-not an ex, but that's a whole other issue)

Anyway, you are so right. NM feels that she has done no wrong and in fact, she is waiting for DA to come to her senses.

If you had emailed me this version of what happened at your parent's home and also at the grocery store, I probably wouldn't have sent out that email last night. I got an email from DA stating that NM went over to your folk's home, paraded the kids around, and yelled to your mom that SHE paid for ds' gift-not stepjerk. Then, in another email, DA said that NM saw ds and your mom in the store, and ds didn't know her and basically they had no significant contact. The email from NM told a different story. Nothing about going over to your folk's home, but OH MY, she got to see ds in the grocery. He was so excited to see her, told her he loved her, and MIL, SIL, and NM had a regular gab-fest in the store. Everyone had tears in their eyes, etc. Honestly (dh's name), I was so confused. I didn't know what to do-someone was elaborating and/or lying. In my heart, I didn't want it to be either NM or DA, so I kinda hoped it was your parents. (insert embarassment here)

I hate to say it, but I have to agree with everything you've said in this email. It's NM making her own world acceptable to herself-she sees things in a certain light so that she can live with the choices she's made and the events that have followed. Doesn't give me any satisfaction knowing this. It hurts me deeply knowing that my sister is mentally ill. Stepjerk is also a large part of her problem-he, being abnormal, doesn't recognize the illness in NM, therefore nothing gets done. If the truth be told, I am so worried about NM. If anything happens to stepjerk, I have no idea how she will survive. She is totally dependent on him for so much and all she's good at is spending money. I know this is just a way to cover up her unhappiness, but how can I get that through to her? I've tried-Lord, I have tried. Even my mom tells me not to worry-at this point in time, to just put it into God's hands and what will be, will be.

Thank you for your email. I'd love to keep in touch with you. Please be assured that even though I love my sister, I also love DA, and all I want for her is for her to be loved and to be happy. You are a special person (dh's name). I know that given your family history, it cannot be easy to deal with this kind of stuff. I am so happy that DA has your parents that she feels comfortable with, and that she has a place in this world where she feels loved and respected. There is nothing to replace that in this world and nothing more important. Bottom line is that even though this caused a big ruckus, it was dealt with properly because the TRUTH is out and is known to those who treasure the simple things in life.

You guys are going to raise a great kid. Ds is lucky to have you both.

Love, N


This has been "dealt with properly" my ass.

This whole mess has left a bad taste in my mouth with my aunt N and I don't think I'll be talking with her much at all anymore except about general stuff like the weather.

In the meantime, I'm just going to sit back and wait for NM to self-destruct. I doubt it'll be long since she seems to be well on her way. If she truly is "waiting for me to come to my senses", she's going to be waiting forever, at least in the way she means it. Because, you see, I have come to my senses and seen NM for the hateful, vindictive bitch she is which is exactly why I WONT be crawling back to her now or anytime ever again.


  1. "This whole mess has left a bad taste in my mouth with my aunt N and I don't think I'll be talking with her much at all anymore except about general stuff like the weather."

    In my experience, this has been the result of all well meaning family members who have put themselves in the role as peacemaker between me and NM. I am sure their heart is in the right place - but it does no good. The only people who can fix this relationship is me and NM and BOTH parties have to be willing. As you and I know - it has nothing to do with coming to our senses or going back to the way thing were. A change in the course of the relationship is needed. No family member outside our relationship with our mother can fix this.

    DA, I think your approach is dead on. You will need a firm boundary with your aunt not to discuss NM. I do not discuss my FOO with any of my family members. If I am talking to one of them and the fact I have not spoken to FOO comes up, I change the topic to something else. My relationship with extended family members need not involve the issues I have with FOO.

    Part of the problem (and maybe it is the same for you too) is that my relationship with my extended family has always been filtered through my mom or dad. I want to be able to persue those relationship independantly of them - as an adult.

  2. Oh yes. DEFINITELY yes to the relationship being filtered through NM part. Now that I've been away for a while and my head has started to clear, I've been thinking here and there about a lot of stuff that happened and, based on what I heard about myself from my NM, I can only imagine what my extended FOO has heard all these years. It's little wonder they all think I'm a horrible daughter or treat me like I'm some over-reacting, spiteful little girl.

    The truth is that these people don't know me at all. We left Ohio when I was maybe 8 years old - I'm going to be 34 in July - and, since then, anything and everything they've heard about me has been through NM's dysfunctional filters. At this point, after so many years of NM's triangulation, I'm not sure an independent relationship - as an adult - with any of them is possible. The relationships have been too poisoned by NM.

  3. DA,

    Your NM is the liar, it's just too unlikely that your MIL would present the story inaccurately - and too likely that NM would lie about those things. Of course she didn't mention to her sister that she proclaimed her other grandchildren to be bruise-free when she dropped off the gift for DS. Of course she twisted the truth and made it seem that MIL invited her over (yeah right!) - the lies are so targeted and manipulative, I don't blame you for feeling physically ill.

    I have an aunt (married to my NM's brother) that has managed to support me while not taking sides or making me talk about it - but I sense that it's rare. Most times people are too emotionally caught up in their family relationship to see the truth for what it is. From your aunt's later emails, she gets it, she just has different words for it: your mom has to see herself in a certain way to live with her own choices. Um, hello, we're starting to agree here, auntie!

    I hope your aunt isn't tainted by the N poison, and I hope you get some peace from NM's destructive tornado of selfishness soon!

    xo hugs and affirmation,

  4. I'm in the midst of a serious situation with my dd and when I need him the most my baby brother has been snared by my NM. He has begun complaining about being caught in the middle after his wife shared some information with my NM that I asked be kept private. Now my brother says he is caught up in my lies...what lies? I feel alone and betrayed at a very difficult time. Can't believe what master manipulators these bitches are!!