Thursday, April 8, 2010

Today is my three month anniversary...

...of being NC with NM that is! It's kind of crazy that it's been that long already. It seems like it's been maybe a month at most.

This is the longest I've ever gone without speaking to or seeing her. I can't help but wonder what's going through her mind. Is she starting to worry that her best chew toy may really not come back, that maybe she really did push things too far this time? Does she realize or care how long it's been? Is she plotting to contact me soon to try and guilt me into coming back?

Not that I'm afraid. I'm not really worried much anymore about what she'll do. I feel stronger now than I have in a long time, especially now that I know dh backs me 100%. So whether it's a guilt-laden email, a "shame on you" voicemail message or an impromptu visit to my house unannounced, I feel fairly certain I could handle it. I may be upset for a short while afterward but I don't think it would be as before where I was upset for days, if not a week or more.

Another thing...I would have expected, when she contacted me via email a week or so ago, to have a part of me that wanted to reconnect with her. Instead, I was very surprised at just how much I didn't want to reconnect with her. Even the thought of going back into that whole mess was enough to practically send me into a full on panic attack.

There is a very small part of me that misses what could have been. During some of the times when I'm just sitting and relaxing and ds is in bed and it is quiet in the house, I'll occasionally think of the relationship I would have liked to have had with my mother. I'll think of the relationship that could have been if only NM could meet me half way. If only she'd be willing to accept some responsibility for the way things are. If only she would see my pain and feel badly about it. If only she wasn't a narcissist. I don't think of it often. Not because I try not to but because I'm busy living my life with my dh and ds. But the times I do think of her like that, I feel a bit of sadness in my heart.

There are some who think me wrong or cruel for going NC with my mother. What they don't seem to understand is that I never wanted this. I wish so much that things could have been different and would have given just about anything to have had a close, loving, healthy relationship with my mother and half sister. Sadly, however, things just didn't work out that way. Despite my best efforts - and good Lord how I tried - they just refused to see reality and remained firmly stuck in their dysfunctional existence.

There is a part of me that is still angry and bitter for all the wrongs and abuses that were perpetrated against me, and rightfully so but, more than anything these days, what I feel is ......indifference. Actually, indifference isn't totally accurate since there is a part of me that wishes them all well. Some may think me crazy for feeling that way but, as a human being, as a wife and mother, as a Christian woman, as ME, I want to be the sort of person who doesn't hold grudges. Who lets go of the anger and bitterness and who sees value in all life, even those who are toxic, if that makes sense. I think I've achieved that to a large extent, though I still have a ways to go yet.

I'm actually looking forward to seeing how I'll feel and where things will be in another three nine more months, when I've been one year NC....beyond that. I really like the person I'm becoming without all the toxicity and negative influences in my life. :o)



  1. No need to justify your choices to anyone because they are just that...YOUR choices and you have a right to make them. Congrats on three months!

  2. Great post, I can relate. Good for you and your family, you deserve to be happy.