Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Another realization?

I was just responding to a post over at the DoNM board about NM's and inappropriate hugging and it got me thinking about something. Every time I'd visit, or very often when I'd visit, N stepjerk would ask me for a hug at some point, either right upon my arrival or shortly thereafter. I always thought it was just another way of him asserting his dominance over me and basically being an asshole but now something else has occurred to me.

(Warning - Potentially sensitive subject matter coming up. Proceed at your own discretion.)

When I still lived in that house, NSJ would often "accidentally" walk in on me when I was in the bathroom (before I got wise and began to lock the door behind me) or when I was in my room and he thought I might be dressing. He would also often make inappropriate comments about my developing body, like how huge my "tits" supposedly were. These comments, later joined by sexually offensive and inappropriate "jokes" about women and their body parts, continued after I'd moved out when I'd come to visit.

I now wonder if getting these hugs, the VERY few times I complied, weren't another way of NSJ getting some kind of sick sexual gratification? Ugh. The thought makes my skin crawl. I have ZERO doubt in my mind that if NSJ had thought he could get away with it, he'd have molested me and/or would try to have his way with me now, given half an opportunity.

I am SO glad I quickly stopped complying and refused to hug him. I'm even MORE glad my son is no longer exposed to that fat, disgusting, perverted pig.

I still remember the first time I refused. I'd gone over to visit with NM for a quick bit before an appointment nearby and NSJ was sitting there in his chair. He asked me to come give him a hug and I looked him dead in the eye and said, "No thank you." He said, "Come on. Give me a hug." and I repeated again, more firmly, "NO thank you." He just looked at me with this blank face, as if he couldn't believe I'd refused to obey his wishes. Then he went back to drinking his (ever-present) beer. My guess is that the rage came after I'd left. How DARE I not obey him?!!

I sometimes worry about my NHS' two kids, especially her daughter, being that NHS and BIL often let the kids spend the night over there. Then again, NSJ never acted sexually inappropriate with HIS daughter, just me, his STEP-daughter. Being that I'm no longer in contact with any of them and heard that NJS and NBIL moved to a new address (which I also don't have access too), I wouldn't know how to go about calling any authorities to have it looked into. And, really, without anything concrete to go on, I'm not sure it'd be taken seriously anyway. My hope - what I have to believe to have any peace on  the matter - is that because they are his daughter's kids, that makes them off limits in his mind. 

MY kids however, I suspect would be a totally different story. Just one of MANY reasons my child would never be allowed to be around NSJ unsupervised. DS may not be a girl but somehow I suspect that wouldn't make much difference to such a disgusting pig as my NSJ.


  1. I'm sooo glad you protect your children from your awful, icky, disgusting, horrible, gag NSJ!!!!!!!! Can we clone you?:)

    I think an important reason we ACONs don't have a normal feeling of selfhood, is because as children, our N parents and other relatives insisted we hug and kiss any and everybody they told us to. If we dared say NO or even looked upset, our N parents shamed or physically abused us...called us disrespectful or unfriendly.

    How can we ACONs feel like separate individuals who deserve dignity, respect and love (ie. have a healthy sense of self worth), if we were treated so badly as children? Most adults would never think of shaming or slapping another adult who doesn't want to shake hands or give them a hug. HELLO?!!!

  2. I made it a rule with all my kids that if they didn't want to be hugged they didn't have to. It was rewarding when they thanked me as adults. Kids have their own criteria and sometimes they are really sharp. Good for you for keeping certain people at a distance.

  3. I can totally relate. My step jerk was this way but maybe more. luckily my NM divorced him when I was 32. and then i told her some details. and i realized years later that she cares more for him than me.