To correct the lies, that is.
Was talking to my aunt N via email the other day and she asked if I'd ever told my NM that she was forbidden to see ds. I answered her honestly. "No. In fact, dh and I told her the exact opposite when we last spoke to her and told her that she could come by and visit with ds seven days a week if she wanted. We even went so far as to tell her that we were willing to arrange it so that MIL wasn't here when she came so she could have her own time alone to visit with ds and she stated flat out that she didn't WANT to have to come here, that she wanted to take ds out on her own WHERE she wanted, WHEN she wanted and she should be able to do so because she's my mother." Aunt N said that's what she'd thought but wanted to double check to see if anything had been said to NM since that day since NM had apparently told my GM recently that I'd forbidden her to see ds - a total and complete lie.
Since then, I've found myself wrestling with a compulsion to call or email up my extended FOO and defend myself correct NM's lies. It's just so damned unfair. Here is this group of people, my family, and my relationships with them have all but been destroyed by NM and her vicious lies and for what? Just so NM can appear the victim of my "unreasonableness" and gain N supply from it.
And to think I'd recently begun to found myself feeling pity for the bitch. (Not that I was contemplating going back on NC or anything drastic like that, but I'd started feeling a lot less angry and resentful toward her and was finally reaching a place of peace about the whole thing. Well not anymore!) Awfully hard to feel sorry for someone - especially one's own mother - who continues to talk shit about you behind your back and smear you to anyone who'll give her the time of day.
Honestly, I wish they'd all tell her to go jump off a cliff, at least in regard to the situation with me. According to aunt N, NM is asking her about me and ds constantly. Aunt N says she just tells NM that we're "fine" and refuses to say more than that. Despite that, NM continues to call her up and inquire about us. If I could have my way on the matter, I'd have everyone say to NM to stop asking about me, that if she wants to know about me so badly, perhaps she should contact ME and ask! Not that I'd want to speak to her or respond mind you, but at least it would cut off that source of N supply for NM. It just chaps my ass that she's sitting there, not making the least bit of effort to have any sort of positive relationship with me and ds in large part because why should she have to when she's getting all the information about us from everyone else? (Hope that makes sense. I know what I'm wanting to say here but having a hard time putting it into words!)
My aunt N and GM are planning on coming down to where I live for a visit very soon. They're going to spend the night at NM's and then say they're leaving for home early and then they're going to stop by and visit with us for the day before actually heading home. Aunt N says that she's not going to lie to NM about coming here but she's not going to be the one to bring it up either, mostly because NSJ would start running his mouth about it. Which is another bone of contention for me. Here we have a "man" - (and I write it that way because NSJ is a perverted pig of a creature and not a real man) - who has made it clear my entire life how badly he wished he could be rid of me and not have to take care of me or be bothered with me in any way. Clearly, had it been an option, he'd have chosen NM and sent me away to wherever he could dump me. And now, he's finally gotten his wish. I'm GONE. I'm out of NM's and his life for good and yet it STILL isn't enough for him. He continues to badmouth me and bitch about this, that or the next thing that I've done in the past or whatever. WTFH??! The only upside to that is that it makes it all the more clear that I'M not the real issue since, even now that I'm absent from the picture, they continue to bitch about me and find fault and I haven't even spoke to them in about 14 months (2+ years in NHS and NBIL's case)!!
Asshats, the lot of them!
What you wrote makes sense. I especially like the part at the end where you state "I'M not the real issue..." You are right. I am sorry the NM is saying such rotten stuff. One of my readers pointed out that turning the tables and playing the victim is a favorite past time for narcissistic. Validation that going NC was a good idea.
ReplyDeletePart 1 of 2
ReplyDeleteSorry you're in such undeserved pain, DA:( I wish I could give you a real hug and I sure could use one myself. This lying business drives me nuts, too.
No Contact with both DH and my N parents causes me to feel ganged up on, devalued, wrung out, you name it. The repeating cycle of acceptance/peace followed by the flip side of debilitating, time-sucking, SAD feelings of justified anger/hopelessness have to stop SOMETIME, don't they???
Like you, my various selfish relatives are 100% likely to be gossiping/lying their heads off about me. THAT won't sell me on crawling back to the N fold.
You know how as soon as you declare NC, *everybody* begs and pleads for you, the victim of decades of s**t, to set it all aside. That just infuriates me! They all invite you to so and so's bday party, wedding, towel folding fiesta, blah, blah, blah...Enough already.
Well, my very nice, but deluded SIL, 6 hrs away, called Mon. to invite me to a HUGE 50th bday party for my nice SG younger brother. It is being held at their church (a major trigger for me...my NF is a retired pastor). She thoughtfully offered to tell a couple people at the event about my No Contact status with my N parents, so they can help me play keep away from my parental units. UGH!!! Can't you just see me trying to hang out with my brother and his family while my parents keep floating over to force me to make contact with them after I've successfully avoided them for 18 months!!
My poor SIL actually thought I would be able to attend and even give a nice little speech about my brother, in a church building, in front of a big crowd of strangers with my N parents staring at me or crying. Panic attack city for me!! I tactfully told my SIL, I now know for sure that you don't grasp the severity of my situation with my parents. I let her know that I'm major ticked off that they keep up this nasty farce...causing her and my brother and 4 kids and DH and I scads of unnecessary misery:( DH and I will probably take a couple days off to drive there, stay in a hotel and take my brother and his family out for dinner.
Part 2 of 2
ReplyDeleteAll I can suggest you do is keep in mind WHO matters MOST to you...your child and DH. With Ns for relatives, we are often forced by them to cut our lives to the bare bone, namely make very sad choices, so we can at least have a hand-full of loved ones share our lives with us.
Sadly, many of us who go NC with our N parents and such, end out "losing" many, if not all, of our immediate relatives. The pressure to pretend away the awful deeds of the evil family members perceived to have the most power is too much for most people to ignore.
Keeping the peace...what supreme B.S. that phrase entails!!...becomes the banner of the enablers and other mob family flying monkeys.
So, whenever I just want to cry UNCLE and make some move to rejoin the N Loons, I quickly remind myself of WHO matters most to me and what awful stuff the N nuts have done to me and my loved ones in the past.
My 25 yo son and my DH and his 2 grown DDs matter the most to me. PERIOD. A close second, for me, is my aforementioned brother and family.
I would dearly love to have a close relationship with my older brother, his wife, their 3 grown kids and numerous other relatives, BUT my N parents have fouled the family waters for over 5 decades. They are 75 yrs old now...I see no sign of healthy change in them.
When parents like yours and mine prefer building a life of lies to loving and respecting their own children, they leave chaos in their wake. You and I, and the other stubborn truth seekers who are unlucky enough to have N parents, are sadly the only people left who are both motivated and strong enough to fight this onslaught of family destruction.
Please be encouraged:) I need your blog words of truth, and so do many other readers. We have to keep calling the Ns on their incessant lies.
Your child and mine are growing up not being so easily fooled by the N lies we were raised with, because we are courageously modeling holding our N parents feet to the TRUTH FIRE! Hey, DA, you need a match:)
Jasmine wrote "You know how as soon as you declare NC, *everybody* begs and pleads for you, the victim of decades of s**t, to set it all aside. That just infuriates me! They all invite you to so and so's bday party, wedding, towel folding fiesta, blah, blah, blah...Enough already."
ReplyDeleteAmen to this! I've lost count how many times I've been told to just work things out and make nice with my NM who is supposedly "hurting" and badly at that. Their reason - BECAUSE SHE'S MY MOTHER. So because she carried me in her womb for 9 months and provided me with the most basic of care (food, shelter, etc.), I'm supposed to just overlook the fact that she emotionally and verbally abused me all my life, that she allowed her pig husband to physically, verbally and emotionally abuse me (and sexually harass me) and that she allowed her mentally unstable bitch daughter to verbally and emotionally abuse me and smear me? SOOOOOO not gonna happen!
I don't get why WE, the VICTIMS, are the ones who need to apologize and make things right. Here's an idea, how about the ABUSERS bear that blame? How about they accept responsibility for THEIR actions and come to US, their victims, and grovel for OUR forgiveness!! But no, because we've upset the shit cart by refusing to take anymore abuse, we're the bad guys. I get SO sick of that shit!
Jasmine wrote: "Your child and mine are growing up not being so easily fooled by the N lies we were raised with, because we are courageously modeling holding our N parents feet to the TRUTH FIRE! Hey, DA, you need a match."
ReplyDeleteAnd THIS is the REAL source of my NM's "pain". She's not hurting because I'm no longer in her life, she's hurting because I'm forcing her to face reality about her behavior and that of her "perfect" husband and daughter. It's like those old movies where the hero holds a crucifix up to a vampire and the vampire turns away and shields their face. I can almost hear the hiss escaping NM's sneering lips as she turns away and shields herself from the truth I continue to hold up and refuse to let go of.
Wow. You have a great blog and I'm looking forward to reading more!
ReplyDeleteYour NM sounds especially vicious and self entitled, but a step father like that on top of it. Good God.
It's amazing to what lengths a NM will go when she loses her supply. There's something about being a daughter (especially the NM's label of 'difficult child') that makes you prime pickin's.
I'm glad you have a good support system (aunt, hubby, etc)!
Off to read more posts - Glad to have found ya!
@ Living with a narcissist - Thank you so much for your kind words! It still amazes me that people actually want to read what I have to say but I'm so glad they do and that I can help people with what I write.
ReplyDeleteI am most definitely the "difficult child" in my N FOO's eyes. Even now that I haven't been around in over a year, I'm still apparently causing them much distress. LOL
Welcome to my blog! I hope you enjoy more posts! ;o)
DA