Tuesday, March 22, 2011

If it's not one N, it's another...

This time it's SM. Don't know if I'd label her full on NPD but she certainly has a HELL of a lot of N tendencies at the very least. 

Background info: SM and my dad are planning a trip down here to my state around the middle of April. They will be staying with friends who live the next town over, about a 45 minute drive from my house, for approximately ten days. DS will have a birthday while they are in town and they will be coming to the party.

Since announcing their trip about a month ago or so, SM has said many times now over and over that they will only make it down to my town for one day - the day of ds' birthday party - during their entire trip because, according to SM, she and my dad are "in desperate need of some serious rest and relaxation". The unspoken implication being that they apparently can't get rest and relaxation at my house and/or in my presence. At least that's how I'm hearing it.

SM has pulled this crap the last couple of times they've made it down to my state from where they live in Ohio and, each time, I'm left feeling like an afterthought. As if taking the time out to visit with me is a major inconvenience to her precious (and desperately needed!) "vacation time" with her stupid friends.

In their defense, my dad and SM's personalities are the total opposite of mine and dh's. SM especially likes to always be on the go. She and my dad are the sort of people who begin each day with a plan or daily agenda of things they want to do that day. Not so with dh and I who are "homebodies" and much prefer staying around the house to going out. We don't plan much in the way of daily activities. If we need to go out and get something, then we go but we don't really get all into going out and doing stuff daily like my dad and SM do. Then again, since SM seems to be so hell bent on some serious R & R, I should think dh's and my personalities would play right into that...?

A couple of weeks ago, while talking with my dad on the phone, I mentioned that I was in need of some kind of storage for my sunroom/playroom. My dad said that my sister and her bf were tearing out all their old kitchen cabinets and that he'd be happy to bring 3 or 4 of them with him when they came down next month. I was ecstatic as my budget is quite minimal and this would save me a ton of money. Since SM heard about it however, she's been trying to nix the idea. First it was that she didn't know if they'd have room in the car they'd be renting. (For the record, they always rent a mini van. ALWAYS.) Then it was that my sister was supposedly unsure if I still wanted them or not which I solved by emailing my sister and telling her I still wanted them. Now SM is trying to claim that my sister feels it would be "too out of the way" for SM and my dad to come get them to bring down here. Now, my sister does live about a 2 hour drive from dad and SM but SM (and also dad on occasion) go visit them all the time. I should also like to add that these are the sort of people - my dad and SM, that is - who at one point drove 3 hours round trip every Sunday to go to a church 1 1/2 hours away simply because they liked it better than any closer to home. Given all that, I hardly think 2 hours drive the week or two before coming down here is that big a deal. Consequently, I will be SHOCKED if I wind up getting the damned cabinets.

There's also the issue that my dad is getting up in years. He just recently celebrated his 60th birthday. That may not seem so old to many of you but there are other things to take into account: 

1) I missed out on 15+ years of my dad being in my life. Long story but, suffice it to say, that it was in large part due to NM and NSJ's antics, though my dad obviously bears much responsibility for his own actions as well. 

2) The last time my dad and SM came down to visit, I only got to spend about 20 - 30 minutes time visiting with my dad. He and dh spent over 16 hours over the course of two days working to repair a shower fixture that kept giving them problems. Once it was finally finished, had SM gotten her way, they'd have hit the road right then but my dad insisted on waiting until dh, ds and MIL got back home to say goodbye to them which gave me 20 - 30 minutes to spend with my dad. Actually, had SM gotten her way, they never would have come back over the second day in the first place. SM made it clear the entire time - both days - that she didn't want to be there and she bitched and complained about EVERYTHING. (I know I posted about that on here somewhere. I'll have to find it and link it to this post.)

3) Considering that I don't travel due to my agoraphobia/anxiety and panic issues as well as that, on average, my dad and SM only make it down to my state about once every 3 years (and then for only ONE day), I don't have much time left with my dad. 

4) Perhaps most important of all, my dad is the only parent I have in my life anymore now that I was forced to go NC with my NM. Add it all up and it's extremely important to me that I get to spend as much time as possible with my dad.

This whole situation has left me feeling very hurt (rejected) and angry. Just the other day SM was going on and on about how she can't wait till they can go on vacation and how excited she is to see us, blah blah. I felt like saying to her, "Oh please! You're so excited to see me that you can only be bothered to make it to my house for a few measly hours on ONE stinking day? Yeah, I can really feel the love!" And speaking of a few measly hours, I already mentioned that the day they plan to come - the one day SM can spare - is the day of ds' birthday party. A party I'LL be hosting and preparing all the food for beforehand. Exactly how much time am I going to have to spend visiting with my father when I'm entertaining and being a good hostess to a houseful of people? Not only that but SM has the gall to say that, rather than just bring a gift or give ds the money, she wants us all - dh, ds and I - to go out shopping half the day beforehand so that ds can shop and pick out some stuff for his bday from them. 

I'll be lucky if I get a mere 15 minutes of the entire day to spend catching up and visiting with my dad. I'm so upset about this whole thing I could just cry.

And as if all THIS isn't bad enough, I have a heap of other stressors on my plate at the moment. DS is sick again and if he's not better by tomorrow, it's back to the doctor yet again. I haven't had a period in over two months and am starting to worry if, despite our best efforts to be responsible, I'm pregnant. I had a pregnancy scare a few months back and was surprised to find out just how much I liked my life the way it was and didn't want to have another baby. Of course, in time, I'd warm to the idea and would love the new baby as much as ds but, given the choice, I just really don't want another baby and am very stressed worrying about whether I am or not. (For the record, MIL gets off work at 4pm today and will be bringing me a pregnancy test so I can find out for sure one way or the other.)

AND, as I think I already posted here, NM called last week (or was it the week before?) and I've been stressed since then that she'll call back. Granted, her reason for attempting to contact me was a legitimate one but I'm worried that it will put me back in the forefront of her mind and may cause her to try and reach out or otherwise get in contact again. My worry is all the more so with ds' birthday coming up soon. At the very least, I'm sure a package for ds will arrive on our doorstep from NM soon and even that is enough to stress me out further.

Ugh. At least my house is clean. Don't know about you all but looking around at a house that's in total disarray wreaks havoc on my already stressed out nerves!

Am looking forward to bed tonight..........and hoping ds' fever goes away and stays gone by morning!


  1. Wow. You have your plate full. I am sorry that SM is being a pain. A time that could be rich and rewarding turned sour by complaining and a need to control everything. Worry on top of worry can be troublesome. I hope things go better than you expect. You are doing a great job at analyzing the different stressors that are bugging you. Hopefully a light will shine at the end of the tunnel and it is not a train.

  2. Reaching out to give you a BIG HUG,DA. So sorry you're being done in by so many problems all at once. I guess you'll know soon if you're pregnant or not. That by itself is sooo stressful, I hear you.

    How is your DS doing now? It's the scariest thing when our little ones get sick. I felt so helpless when my son was sick...not being able to explain to him that this too will pass and just plain wishing I could take on his sickness, so he wouldn't have to suffer at all:(

    No health insurance and little money stressed me over the edge and I was angry that those worries even came to mind, when all I wanted to do was focus on my son's well being. So, I really feel for you!

    Sorry your SM can't be bothered to simply be kind to you and goes out of her way to be cruel. Her headspace must be very ugly indeed!!

    Time is precious and specifically time with your Dad. I'm sorry that a gazillion of factors seem to be getting in the way of you simply hanging out with your dad:(

    I'm 51 and for half of that time I agonized over getting time with my mom, just the two of us. I thought lack of funds, especially on my end, was a big part of the problem. In my case, I eventually caught on that my mom prefers my NF's sick company over time with me and my son. Hurts like hell:(

    Right now, I could sure use a *real* loving and respectful mom and dad...no such luck. I'm slowly crawling away from hoping they'll ever give me what I need from them.

    As I think you know, I went NC with them back in Sep. 2009, because the pain of being selfishly used, scapegoated, was unbearable, FINALLY! I haven't heard from them at all since a Bday card came for my DH last July. They ignored my Bday last year...a first, ever, and Thanksgiving and Christmas.

    So, it seems my "parents" have opted for a game of tit for tat, like the immature dolts they are. They obviously feel NO need to do any healthy self-examination...they're 76 yo in a couple weeks, so the sands of time are running out for us:(

    Trust your gut on the issue with your NM getting back in touch with you, esp. so close to DS's bday...my gut tells me you're right.

    When, or if, you feel the urge to return her calls, etc., remember who's much more important...you, your DH and your DS...NMs are notoriously SELF-centered and mean.

    Cling to your real loved ones, for their sake and yours. Please take care of yourself, first!!! You're worth your best effort to love yourself!! Now I'll go take the medicine I prescribed for you:D