So I emailed my GM yesterday to let her know that rather than risk mailing the family baptismal gown to her, my dh will probably be dropping it off at NM's house this coming friday. Her response was much kinder than the last one and reads:
"Hi, Sorry to hear you've been sick. I hope you're better now. Your mom is coming here again around the beginning of July so she can bring the gown with her when she comes. I hope the rest of your family is healthy. Love you guys"
What got to me was the part about my NM being up there - Ohio - again "around the beginning of July". My birthday is July 5th and my NM will be out of town.
Now, I realize I should be grateful NM won't be in town because it means I can have a happy, uneventful birthday without having to worry about NM popping over uninvited or otherwise being around to cause trouble. So why is it that the only thing I can seem to think is that NM is rejecting me once again by not even caring to be here for my birthday?
Actually, as I type this, I realize that it's more NM won't remain here, just in case, hoping to be invited. It's just one more reminder of how she couldn't care less about me and never has.
This whole thing, in addition to a post made over at the DoNM board recently, got me thinking - do we ever truly get over or past our DoNM legacies? Will the day ever come when we truly get over it and are able to move on or will our "fleas" always continue to hinder us and nibble at our insides?
My dh is of the opinion that we never truly get over our "fleas" but that we just learn to cope better so that they don't impede our ability to live our daily lives. I'd like to think that he's right but, at least from where I'm sitting right now, it feels like it'll never happen.
What do you all think? Do you think it's possible to ever truly get past our legacies as DoNM's? Or will our "fleas" and other issues always be there just behind the scene?
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Refusing to communicate is toxic behavior...
Came across another great post on the DoNM board today that I had to share with you all. This one was taken from the Sanctuary for the Abused blog.
~~~~~
Communication & the Functional Sociopath
By William Polowniak, Ph.D.
Fritz Perls a famous Jewish psychotherapist known for his founding of Gestalt therapy once said that refusal to communicate is the most toxic human behavior. I am convinced that he is right. Refusal to communicate really means refusal to listen and to enter into dialogue especially when we disagree. Usually people who refuse to communicate live their lives as “functional sociopaths.” That is, they are self-centered, they do as they please with total disregard for others and they indulge in subterfuge, self-delusion and see themselves as persecuted. Their delusions of self-persecution cause them to become angry manipulators.
So why label people in “either or” categories as “toxic” or “nourishing” people? Labels themselves are dangerous and often unfair, but for the wise person they do help us see what to avoid. They help us to invest our energies in more productive ways. When we use labels, however, we must be aware that labeling others without caution is in itself a toxic behavior. Let us “be aware” when we choose to label others or ourselves.
“Action speaks louder than words” Everyone’s mother has probably said this during our childhood more than once. My father used to say “Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.” The typical behaviors of those who refuse to communicate are labeled by psychologists as the “fight?flight” response. Those who refuse to communicate are usually adept at manipulation, they have toxic behavior in general and when confronted by circumstances that proves their position is faulty, they will attack or run away, or they will attack and run away. "Toxic people are adept at pushing our buttons and provoking an over-reaction in others. But the up side of that is that they challenge us to remain centered and be a positive influence even if there is no reward to us directly. Our efforts to not add to the pain and suffering toxic people use to justify their emotional cruelty and brutal behavior is our best strategy. If they do not run they will not listen using a variety of tyrannical behaviors. They begin by raising their voices, then will shout, scream and rant and rave often appearing to be a raving lunatic. They typically indulge in anger, condemnation and blame. They are adept at interrupting and often will not allow their adversary to finish even one sentence. We often see people like this on TV talk shows."
So how does a person deal with those who refuse to communicate? The best defense is listening, in silence, and adopting the posture of a detective. While listening, try to discover what is really at the root of the problem. All the while, if you must communicate, focus on short, simple and clear statements using "I" statements frequently; that is, if your adversary permits any pauses in their onslaught of anger, condemnation and blame. At the very least, actively listening in silence and non-judgment will provide your adversary with needed catharsis, will often defuse their anger and will not add to their fear of retaliation.
Another thing that helps is to rely on trust and the great healer—time. We’ve all heard the biblical quote “Vengeance in mine, sayeth the Lord.” The fact is that time and life will usually bite these kinds of people in the behind when they least expect it. They sabotage their own life by alienating others, when in fact they desperately need and want love and affection.
Another helpful thing to realize is that to the wise person, knowing that “not communicating” can often communicate more than we realize. Not retaliating, not interrupting the interrupter, but listening in silence or basically allowing the adversary to wallow in their own delusions of persecution will ultimately allow the TRUTH to emerge. Reality is the second best teacher. Do you know what the best teacher is? Pain. Very often only pain and suffering can communicate to the person who refuses to communicate.
A final thing that is helpful is to remember that “help is not always helpful.” Recently I tried to help a person who was wallowing in her anger and hostility. Her remark to me was “I don’t need your help.” Often it is wise to avoid unnecessary contact with people who seem to be waiting to pick a fight or to blow up. If communication is really necessary it should be done in writing (and keep a copy) so that it is less likely to elicit a reaction or temper tantrum. And in the worse cases, if a toxic person retaliates and legal action becomes necessary to remedy the situation, what you have in writing may be valuable. In addition if a toxic person acts out threats they will thereby create the proof you will need to legally prosecute for blackmail and malicious mischief. Those of us who believe in community do not like to think of things like legal action or legal defense but the reality is that sometimes legal remedies do in fact create community and can force a more healthy emotional situation to prevail. Legal remedies can show the bully and the emotional tyrant that you are not afraid.
~~~~~
Communication & the Functional Sociopath
By William Polowniak, Ph.D.
Fritz Perls a famous Jewish psychotherapist known for his founding of Gestalt therapy once said that refusal to communicate is the most toxic human behavior. I am convinced that he is right. Refusal to communicate really means refusal to listen and to enter into dialogue especially when we disagree. Usually people who refuse to communicate live their lives as “functional sociopaths.” That is, they are self-centered, they do as they please with total disregard for others and they indulge in subterfuge, self-delusion and see themselves as persecuted. Their delusions of self-persecution cause them to become angry manipulators.
So why label people in “either or” categories as “toxic” or “nourishing” people? Labels themselves are dangerous and often unfair, but for the wise person they do help us see what to avoid. They help us to invest our energies in more productive ways. When we use labels, however, we must be aware that labeling others without caution is in itself a toxic behavior. Let us “be aware” when we choose to label others or ourselves.
“Action speaks louder than words” Everyone’s mother has probably said this during our childhood more than once. My father used to say “Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.” The typical behaviors of those who refuse to communicate are labeled by psychologists as the “fight?flight” response. Those who refuse to communicate are usually adept at manipulation, they have toxic behavior in general and when confronted by circumstances that proves their position is faulty, they will attack or run away, or they will attack and run away. "Toxic people are adept at pushing our buttons and provoking an over-reaction in others. But the up side of that is that they challenge us to remain centered and be a positive influence even if there is no reward to us directly. Our efforts to not add to the pain and suffering toxic people use to justify their emotional cruelty and brutal behavior is our best strategy. If they do not run they will not listen using a variety of tyrannical behaviors. They begin by raising their voices, then will shout, scream and rant and rave often appearing to be a raving lunatic. They typically indulge in anger, condemnation and blame. They are adept at interrupting and often will not allow their adversary to finish even one sentence. We often see people like this on TV talk shows."
So how does a person deal with those who refuse to communicate? The best defense is listening, in silence, and adopting the posture of a detective. While listening, try to discover what is really at the root of the problem. All the while, if you must communicate, focus on short, simple and clear statements using "I" statements frequently; that is, if your adversary permits any pauses in their onslaught of anger, condemnation and blame. At the very least, actively listening in silence and non-judgment will provide your adversary with needed catharsis, will often defuse their anger and will not add to their fear of retaliation.
Another thing that helps is to rely on trust and the great healer—time. We’ve all heard the biblical quote “Vengeance in mine, sayeth the Lord.” The fact is that time and life will usually bite these kinds of people in the behind when they least expect it. They sabotage their own life by alienating others, when in fact they desperately need and want love and affection.
Another helpful thing to realize is that to the wise person, knowing that “not communicating” can often communicate more than we realize. Not retaliating, not interrupting the interrupter, but listening in silence or basically allowing the adversary to wallow in their own delusions of persecution will ultimately allow the TRUTH to emerge. Reality is the second best teacher. Do you know what the best teacher is? Pain. Very often only pain and suffering can communicate to the person who refuses to communicate.
A final thing that is helpful is to remember that “help is not always helpful.” Recently I tried to help a person who was wallowing in her anger and hostility. Her remark to me was “I don’t need your help.” Often it is wise to avoid unnecessary contact with people who seem to be waiting to pick a fight or to blow up. If communication is really necessary it should be done in writing (and keep a copy) so that it is less likely to elicit a reaction or temper tantrum. And in the worse cases, if a toxic person retaliates and legal action becomes necessary to remedy the situation, what you have in writing may be valuable. In addition if a toxic person acts out threats they will thereby create the proof you will need to legally prosecute for blackmail and malicious mischief. Those of us who believe in community do not like to think of things like legal action or legal defense but the reality is that sometimes legal remedies do in fact create community and can force a more healthy emotional situation to prevail. Legal remedies can show the bully and the emotional tyrant that you are not afraid.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Wanted to share...
Came across this post on a board I go to. It was posted by a fellow DoNM in response to a workshop she attended recently. I found it extremely enlightening and asked her if she would mind if I shared it. To my delight, she said I could. I'm hoping that you all get as much out of it as I did.
~~~~~
I attended a workshop recently which explored the differences between feelings and emotions. It gave insight into something that had previously confused me re Ns, and I found it very helpful so am passing it on.
Feelings are different from emotional states. There are only 4 feelings:
ANGER - FEAR - SADNESS - HAPPINESS
Feelings are not negative or positive, they just are. We can control our thoughts but we can't control our feelings. All feelings are valid if expressed appropriately - it's how we express them that leads to positive or negative outcomes for us. Everyone experiences feelings. Feelings are spiritual but can affect us physically (adrenalin, pain etc.)
Emotions are the results of feelings. They come from within our minds. Love, hate, guilt, envy, resentment, shame, frustration, despair, caring, joy and so on are all emotions. We can control them - they are a result of our thought processes and a reaction to the feelings we have, nothing more. We can overlay a negative emotion with more positive thought processes - we have the power within to do that. For example, if we feel anger and fear (thanks, NM) and that leads to thoughts of guilt, that's all it is, a thought. Our tutor expressed it this way "You don't feel guilty, you think guilty. You can learn to think differently by overlaying negative thoughts with positive ones while appropriately expressing your valid feelings of anger and fear."
I found this very helpful on a personal level and hope I've explained it clearly.
Now the Light Bulb. Ns have feelings too. They experience the same 4 feelings that everyone else does:
ANGER - FEAR - SADNESS - HAPPINESS
And that's it. No emotions, just inappropriate expression of the 4 basic feelings. They don't understand how emotions affect us, they are simply well aware that they do. And because they cannot experience "caring", they just don't care. They don't have any negative thought processes to overlay because emotions form no part of their thoughts. They just bulldoze through. Meet my mother. And yours. It also explains one of the reasons why they notoriously use enablers to express their emotions for them - they are incapable of expressing something that - for them - doesn't exist.
I struggled with this for a long time - how could they do the things they do when they are obviously capable of experiencing feelings? Becoming aware of the limitations of raw feelings without the additional human quality of emotions and empathy has gone a long way to reconciling that glaring disparity for me.
Have a great day DoNMs.
~~~~~
It was the last part that especially struck me. I've wondered for a long time, how can my NM say and do the things she does to me? Doesn't she understand how it hurts me? And if so, all the more reason why I didn't understand. So when I saw it explained the way it was above, it suddenly made a lot more sense to me.
~~~~~
I attended a workshop recently which explored the differences between feelings and emotions. It gave insight into something that had previously confused me re Ns, and I found it very helpful so am passing it on.
Feelings are different from emotional states. There are only 4 feelings:
ANGER - FEAR - SADNESS - HAPPINESS
Feelings are not negative or positive, they just are. We can control our thoughts but we can't control our feelings. All feelings are valid if expressed appropriately - it's how we express them that leads to positive or negative outcomes for us. Everyone experiences feelings. Feelings are spiritual but can affect us physically (adrenalin, pain etc.)
Emotions are the results of feelings. They come from within our minds. Love, hate, guilt, envy, resentment, shame, frustration, despair, caring, joy and so on are all emotions. We can control them - they are a result of our thought processes and a reaction to the feelings we have, nothing more. We can overlay a negative emotion with more positive thought processes - we have the power within to do that. For example, if we feel anger and fear (thanks, NM) and that leads to thoughts of guilt, that's all it is, a thought. Our tutor expressed it this way "You don't feel guilty, you think guilty. You can learn to think differently by overlaying negative thoughts with positive ones while appropriately expressing your valid feelings of anger and fear."
I found this very helpful on a personal level and hope I've explained it clearly.
Now the Light Bulb. Ns have feelings too. They experience the same 4 feelings that everyone else does:
ANGER - FEAR - SADNESS - HAPPINESS
And that's it. No emotions, just inappropriate expression of the 4 basic feelings. They don't understand how emotions affect us, they are simply well aware that they do. And because they cannot experience "caring", they just don't care. They don't have any negative thought processes to overlay because emotions form no part of their thoughts. They just bulldoze through. Meet my mother. And yours. It also explains one of the reasons why they notoriously use enablers to express their emotions for them - they are incapable of expressing something that - for them - doesn't exist.
I struggled with this for a long time - how could they do the things they do when they are obviously capable of experiencing feelings? Becoming aware of the limitations of raw feelings without the additional human quality of emotions and empathy has gone a long way to reconciling that glaring disparity for me.
Have a great day DoNMs.
~~~~~
It was the last part that especially struck me. I've wondered for a long time, how can my NM say and do the things she does to me? Doesn't she understand how it hurts me? And if so, all the more reason why I didn't understand. So when I saw it explained the way it was above, it suddenly made a lot more sense to me.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Had another memory flash...
I was very young - maybe 5 or 6 - at the time. Our parakeet, Buster, had just died and I was heartbroken. I wrote on a few small slips of paper, "my bird is daed" and hid them in the kitchen cabinet. I suppose it was my way of coping with my grief at that young age.
Well, a few days later, I remember some family was over and my NM called me downstairs and said she had to ask me something. She asked if she could show everyone my papers I'd hidden in the cabinet. I don't remember if I was embarrassed or anything but I must have said yes because I remember getting the tiny slips of paper out of the cabinet and handing them over.
NM passed them around to everyone and began laughing hysterically as she uttered, "See?" or something like that. The hateful bitch was LAUGHING because I'd misspelled the word "dead" by switching the "a" and the "e". Oh, they all had a good laugh at my expense and I was left feeling humiliated, stupid and confused as to exactly what I'd done that was so "funny".
I cannot even begin to imagine ever mocking my son in such a cruel way. Someday soon, when our family dog, Akira's, time comes, my poor ds is going to be heartbroken and I will comfort him as best I can. As his mother, his pain causes me pain.
How could one's own mother be so cruel? So what if it was "just a bird"? He was my pet and I loved him. It didn't matter the reason for my pain, the point was that I was hurting and it was my mom's job to comfort and console me and, instead, she took my pain and used it to hurt me further. And yet this same woman has the gall to ask me what is it she's done that's so wrong that she should deserve to be punished so by me and denied access to my son!
Well, a few days later, I remember some family was over and my NM called me downstairs and said she had to ask me something. She asked if she could show everyone my papers I'd hidden in the cabinet. I don't remember if I was embarrassed or anything but I must have said yes because I remember getting the tiny slips of paper out of the cabinet and handing them over.
NM passed them around to everyone and began laughing hysterically as she uttered, "See?" or something like that. The hateful bitch was LAUGHING because I'd misspelled the word "dead" by switching the "a" and the "e". Oh, they all had a good laugh at my expense and I was left feeling humiliated, stupid and confused as to exactly what I'd done that was so "funny".
I cannot even begin to imagine ever mocking my son in such a cruel way. Someday soon, when our family dog, Akira's, time comes, my poor ds is going to be heartbroken and I will comfort him as best I can. As his mother, his pain causes me pain.
How could one's own mother be so cruel? So what if it was "just a bird"? He was my pet and I loved him. It didn't matter the reason for my pain, the point was that I was hurting and it was my mom's job to comfort and console me and, instead, she took my pain and used it to hurt me further. And yet this same woman has the gall to ask me what is it she's done that's so wrong that she should deserve to be punished so by me and denied access to my son!
Wanted to take a break from the usual...
..and give some props to my wonderful, loving husband who is working hard this weekend at the Heroes Convention in Charlotte meeting all his fans and selling his artwork. Sucks not having him home with us and ds and I miss him lots but we're so proud of him!
If anyone wants to check him out, here is a link to the convention info and here is a link to his website.
Here are just a couple examples of his amazing work:
(Couldn't get the pics to show up right so I'll just post the links!)
http://bfowler.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/blackqueen.jpg
http://www.bfowler.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/yetanotherscat3web.jpeg
A loving, supportive, handsome man who is a talented artist too? Yessiree, I've got it made.
If anyone wants to check him out, here is a link to the convention info and here is a link to his website.
Here are just a couple examples of his amazing work:
(Couldn't get the pics to show up right so I'll just post the links!)
http://bfowler.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/blackqueen.jpg
http://www.bfowler.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/yetanotherscat3web.jpeg
A loving, supportive, handsome man who is a talented artist too? Yessiree, I've got it made.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Having another crummy day...
All this started Sunday night with my GM's cold, businesslike email in which she asked for the family baptismal gown back. Since then, I just can't seem to get back on level emotional ground again.
I found myself wondering last night what my life would be like had my NM and SJ not moved us out of Ohio and away from all our family and friends. For sure I'd have been closer to my dad and SM and my half bro and sister. There likely wouldn't be any estrangement between my half bro and I. I'd have friends who I'd grown up with and went to school and graduated with. I'm sure I'd have gone to college since my dad would have been in my life and paid for it. That means I'd likely have a career at this point, maybe in veterinary medicine or psychology...or maybe as an interior designer like my half sis since, like her, I seem to have a natural flair for that sort of thing.
I may even be closer to my FOO since they wouldn't have the fact that I chose to remain here in North Carolina, rather than moving back "home" the first chance I got, to hold against me. Though I'm sure I'd never have had any REAL, meaningful relationship with any of them regardless simply because of the nature of their dysfunction.
I'm sure the abuse at home would have still occurred though it may have been to a much lesser degree with extended family close enough to pop over unannounced.
As I thought about all that might have been, I felt myself getting angrier at all I've been cheated out of in my life and I resolved that I'd had enough. I'm so sick of all of these people taking from me - taking my power, my happiness, certain aspects of my life, even my material things. My NM has several items of mine including one heck of a copper collection that I managed to scrape together with some very fortunate yard sale and thrift shop finds. If purchased new in a store, I'd dare say the entire collection would total a few thousand dollars yet I paid, at most, less than $100 for all of it.
I decided then and there that I was going to do whatever I could to get my things back from my NM. Why the hell should she get to win and keep my stuff? More to the point, it's MINE and I WANT IT BACK! I spoke with dh and he assured me he'd help me and do whatever he could to get my things back from NM. He plans to handle it all himself and keep me out of it but, honestly, I feel a part of me NEEDS to do this myself. Dh can be there for support - I'm certainly not stupid enough to go into the lion's den alone - but I need to stand up to NM and take my power (and my things) back for myself. It's more of a gut instinct at this time but I feel this may be just the thing I need to really and truly put all this behind me and move on with my life. And while I'm there, I can throw...I mean, nicely hand my NM the stupid family baptismal gown back. They want it back, fine but I'll be darned if I'm going to put it in the mail and risk it being lost so that they can berate me for that too.
Strange....just typing all this out and seeing it written down is enough to make me feel a bit better.
I'll let you all know how dh and I decide to handle getting my things back. Right now, I'm thinking a surprise pop over is best since to announce my arrival beforehand could prove disastrous. NM has had FIVE long months now to seethe in her anger at my daring to refuse to put up with her crap anymore. Five months of letting her anger build and grow. If I catch her off guard and surprise her, I may be able to escape some of her wrath but, announced beforehand, it wouldn't surprise me to arrive there to find NHS and BIL just "happened" to be visiting so that they could all ambush and attack me. No...a sneak attack is definitely best.
I found myself wondering last night what my life would be like had my NM and SJ not moved us out of Ohio and away from all our family and friends. For sure I'd have been closer to my dad and SM and my half bro and sister. There likely wouldn't be any estrangement between my half bro and I. I'd have friends who I'd grown up with and went to school and graduated with. I'm sure I'd have gone to college since my dad would have been in my life and paid for it. That means I'd likely have a career at this point, maybe in veterinary medicine or psychology...or maybe as an interior designer like my half sis since, like her, I seem to have a natural flair for that sort of thing.
I may even be closer to my FOO since they wouldn't have the fact that I chose to remain here in North Carolina, rather than moving back "home" the first chance I got, to hold against me. Though I'm sure I'd never have had any REAL, meaningful relationship with any of them regardless simply because of the nature of their dysfunction.
I'm sure the abuse at home would have still occurred though it may have been to a much lesser degree with extended family close enough to pop over unannounced.
As I thought about all that might have been, I felt myself getting angrier at all I've been cheated out of in my life and I resolved that I'd had enough. I'm so sick of all of these people taking from me - taking my power, my happiness, certain aspects of my life, even my material things. My NM has several items of mine including one heck of a copper collection that I managed to scrape together with some very fortunate yard sale and thrift shop finds. If purchased new in a store, I'd dare say the entire collection would total a few thousand dollars yet I paid, at most, less than $100 for all of it.
I decided then and there that I was going to do whatever I could to get my things back from my NM. Why the hell should she get to win and keep my stuff? More to the point, it's MINE and I WANT IT BACK! I spoke with dh and he assured me he'd help me and do whatever he could to get my things back from NM. He plans to handle it all himself and keep me out of it but, honestly, I feel a part of me NEEDS to do this myself. Dh can be there for support - I'm certainly not stupid enough to go into the lion's den alone - but I need to stand up to NM and take my power (and my things) back for myself. It's more of a gut instinct at this time but I feel this may be just the thing I need to really and truly put all this behind me and move on with my life. And while I'm there, I can throw...I mean, nicely hand my NM the stupid family baptismal gown back. They want it back, fine but I'll be darned if I'm going to put it in the mail and risk it being lost so that they can berate me for that too.
Strange....just typing all this out and seeing it written down is enough to make me feel a bit better.
I'll let you all know how dh and I decide to handle getting my things back. Right now, I'm thinking a surprise pop over is best since to announce my arrival beforehand could prove disastrous. NM has had FIVE long months now to seethe in her anger at my daring to refuse to put up with her crap anymore. Five months of letting her anger build and grow. If I catch her off guard and surprise her, I may be able to escape some of her wrath but, announced beforehand, it wouldn't surprise me to arrive there to find NHS and BIL just "happened" to be visiting so that they could all ambush and attack me. No...a sneak attack is definitely best.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
FOO sucks.
Got an email from my GM Sunday evening. The subject line read "hello" which was different from her usual "pssst..." that she's always used before. The email reads simply:
Hi DA, I'm writing to ask if you will please send the baptismal gown back to me. Julie has asked me about it because she wants to use it someday when she has her baby....she is not pregnant yet but is in the planning stages. I will send you money for postage.
That's it. No, "How are you?" or "Love you, GM xx", just a very cold, businesslike "Fine then. If you're no longer a part of this family then we want the family baptismal gown back!", which, in my DoNM mind, is exactly what's being said here.
I don't know whether to be more hurt or plain ole angry. I just want to scream at them, "You know what you uppity assholes? If you all knew the truth, not NM's version of the "truth" but the REAL TRUTH, you'd all be ASHAMED at the way you're treating me!" Of course, it wouldn't achieve anything other than to add to their evidence against me, proving what an unstable, immature little girl I am. Still, it would feel SO GOOD to get my moment to tell them off!
I wrote last time about my step GM (my stepjerk's mother) who was such a good, kind, caring lady and who always treated me the same as the rest of her grandchildren despite the fact that I wasn't technically her gk. The same applies for my stepmother's mother. She and her dh, who passed away just over a year ago, were so kind and loving toward me. They always treated me the same as the other kids. What the hell does it say about my FOO that three people who weren't even related to me have treated me with more love and respect and kindness in my lifetime than the people who are my blood relations??
Most importantly, it says that it's not ME who has the problem. It's not ME who is flawed or bad or wrong. It's all of THEM. This is a huge light bulb moment for me, one I am clinging to with the same ferocity that a person who'd fallen overboard would cling to a life preserver with.
Am I perfect? Hardly. Have I made mistakes? Yes, of course. But if I were so fundamentally flawed or wrong as my FOO would have me believe then I should think that NO ONE would love me. Yet I have my dh, my ds, my IL's, my SM and dad, my (good) half sister and two sets of step GP's who have loved and cared for me.
So while it hurts - a LOT - and I continue to struggle with my DoNM issues of feeling flawed and unloveable - I'm going to do my best to focus on the people who love me for no other reason than that I am ME and realize that means that I am okay and worthy of being loved and respected.
Hi DA, I'm writing to ask if you will please send the baptismal gown back to me. Julie has asked me about it because she wants to use it someday when she has her baby....she is not pregnant yet but is in the planning stages. I will send you money for postage.
That's it. No, "How are you?" or "Love you, GM xx", just a very cold, businesslike "Fine then. If you're no longer a part of this family then we want the family baptismal gown back!", which, in my DoNM mind, is exactly what's being said here.
I don't know whether to be more hurt or plain ole angry. I just want to scream at them, "You know what you uppity assholes? If you all knew the truth, not NM's version of the "truth" but the REAL TRUTH, you'd all be ASHAMED at the way you're treating me!" Of course, it wouldn't achieve anything other than to add to their evidence against me, proving what an unstable, immature little girl I am. Still, it would feel SO GOOD to get my moment to tell them off!
I wrote last time about my step GM (my stepjerk's mother) who was such a good, kind, caring lady and who always treated me the same as the rest of her grandchildren despite the fact that I wasn't technically her gk. The same applies for my stepmother's mother. She and her dh, who passed away just over a year ago, were so kind and loving toward me. They always treated me the same as the other kids. What the hell does it say about my FOO that three people who weren't even related to me have treated me with more love and respect and kindness in my lifetime than the people who are my blood relations??
Most importantly, it says that it's not ME who has the problem. It's not ME who is flawed or bad or wrong. It's all of THEM. This is a huge light bulb moment for me, one I am clinging to with the same ferocity that a person who'd fallen overboard would cling to a life preserver with.
Am I perfect? Hardly. Have I made mistakes? Yes, of course. But if I were so fundamentally flawed or wrong as my FOO would have me believe then I should think that NO ONE would love me. Yet I have my dh, my ds, my IL's, my SM and dad, my (good) half sister and two sets of step GP's who have loved and cared for me.
So while it hurts - a LOT - and I continue to struggle with my DoNM issues of feeling flawed and unloveable - I'm going to do my best to focus on the people who love me for no other reason than that I am ME and realize that means that I am okay and worthy of being loved and respected.
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About Me
- DisturbedAngel
- I am 38 years old, married to a wonderful, loving man and the proud stay-at-home mama to a beautiful little boy. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and abusive stepfather. My half sister has always been the golden child and I, the family scapegoat who can never seem to measure up. After years of bending over backward to try and have a good relationship with my half sister, I finally severed contact in March of 2009. Then, in January of 2010, I also severed all contact with my narcissistic mother. (Updated to add that as of May 2011, I've also cut ties with my narcissistic father and stepmother as well.) Currently, I am back in contact with my NM in a limited capacity. Walking away from all that toxicity was a LONG time coming but I can't believe how much better I feel because of it. This diary is intended primarily to be a log of my journey toward healing from the abuses I've endured. I hope it will also become a place where others who've been cast as the family scapegoat or who've been the victims of a narcissist's abuse can find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.