Some updates and an anniversary...

Well now, let's see...what's been going on with me?

Day before yesterday, I spent most of the day calling up various therapists to try and find one who:

a) does CBT or "cognitive behavioral therapy" to help me with my anxiety and panic disorder

b) I feel I "click with" and...

c) whose price per hour wouldn't add up to another house payment each month to see.

After a long day of interviewing various therapists, I think I've finally found one who fits the bill. I have to wait for my tax refund to come back before I go see him though so it won't be until the end of February until I actually go. Still, it feels good to know I've taken a step in the right direction.

As a way to try and speed up the "getting to know you" portion of the therapy process, I had decided I'd make up some background notes and mail them to the new T along with copies of the notes from my other two previous T's. I figured it would help him get to know me and help us figure out what we need to talk about that will help me heal while at the same time weeding out the unimportant stuff.

While I was doing this, I began to realize that some things weren't making sense. All my life my NM has told me that, very shortly before their wedding, she and my dad had "relations" and I was conceived at that time. But when I looked at the date on their marriage certificate thingy online and compared it with my birth date, either my mom was pregnant for 2 1/2 to 3 years or I was born a toddler. There were married in August of 1973 and I was born around the same time in 1976. See what I mean? It just doesn't make sense.

Since I can't call up my NM (and since I likely would only get more lies even if I could), I called up my dad and asked him. He said that's not true, that he and NM were married for like 2 to 3 years before I was born. I had also been told by my NM that she and my dad divorced when I was just 9 months old. Also untrue. They separated when I was 9 months old but weren't officially divorced until nearly a year later.

(For the record, though it has nothing to do with this story really, I also discovered that my NM married my stepjerk just THREE WEEKS after her divorce from my father and my NHS was born 9 months after that. Doesn't waste any time, does she?)

~~~

Today is January 9th. The day my NHS was born and also the one year anniversary of my decision to go NC with my NM. (NHS and NBIL I'd already gone NC with over a year before that.)

Oddly enough, though I was struggling earlier in the week, I woke up today just like any other morning. It wasn't until I was looking on the Humane Society website to see if there were any new dogs up for adoption that I realized what today's date was. At that point, I felt a bit of anxiety and nausea. However, that passed quickly and the rest of the day so far has been just another nice, relaxing day with my dh and ds.

When I spoke with my aunt N earlier, she mentioned that my NM was aware of the significance of today (besides it being her golden girl's birthday, that is). I was surprised at first that NM remembered but then I realized that of course she'd remember that it's been a full year as she would feel it would further her victim status to whine to all who will listen about how it's been an entire year since her ungrateful daughter spoke to her. Boo hoo! Oh, sob! Woe is her! What ever did she do to deserve such cruelty? (Where's an eye roll smiley when you need one?)

It will be interesting to see if NM is able to keep up her ignoring of me for another year. Thus far, she seems to have convinced herself that I'm just being "silly" again and that I'll eventually come to my senses and come crawling back, begging her forgiveness. But at some point it will have to sink in that I really mean it this time, that I won't be back. With luck, she'll continue as she has been and just go on pretending I no longer exist as the alternative would be for her to suddenly start harassing me and I don't want (or need) that.

~~~

With regard to the whole therapy thing, I had called up my MIL that same night to tell her about what I'd been doing and that I was hoping to get back into therapy, etc. She seemed fine at first and then, out of the blue, she suddenly says to me, "You know...you keep saying 'I can't. I can't' but you haven't even tried." !!! Suffice it to say, I was PISSED. Actually, the truth is probably more that I was deeply hurt. Here is this woman who sees us nearly every day, she's seen me in the midst of a full on panic attack, she's seen how I struggle daily and how I suffer with this crippling anxiety and yet she has the gall to tell me I haven't even tried?! To be fair, it didn't seem as if MIL was trying to be cruel but it was still hurtful all the same.

My dh had gone out with his dad the following day - yesterday - and while they were out, apparently FIL brought up the therapy issue with dh and said that he hated to see me "waste dh'sdh who totally supports me and "gets" the whole anxiety/panic thing. He told his dad that he'd seen firsthand what I'd been through with my anxiety and how much I'd benefited from therapy thus far. He then added that there was absolutely NO shame in people needing a little help sometimes and that he knew me and if I said I needed help and couldn't do it on my own, than I needed help and couldn't do it on my own. What's more, I wasn't stupid and had encountered bad T's before and that if it occurred this time round, I'd just fire him and move on to the next like I had previously.

Dh said that FIL had protested a little at first but, by the end of the conversation, he seemed content to leave it alone and stay out of it.

I think what upset me the most was that the whole comment by MIL and then the stuff the following day by FIL had triggered a bunch of negative feelings caused by my N FOO in the past. It was just a complete invalidation of my feelings and experiences. I couldn't help but think how would MIL feel if she came to me and said, "I don't know what's wrong. I just can't seem to lose weight." and I said to her, "You know MIL, you keep saying, 'You can't. You can't.' but you haven't even tried."? She'd probably have been very offended and dh likely would have gotten a nasty call from FIL that evening, chastising him for how rude I'd been to say such a thing to MIL. Yet it's apparently okay for her to say such things to me?

I think that if MIL brings it up or makes a similar comment, I'm going to present her with the scenario I just gave above and ask her, "MIL, how would you feel if I said something like that to you, knowing how much you've suffered with your weight?" Hopefully, that will get it through her head and she'll think twice before making such comments again.

A post and my reaction...

Saw a post on the DoNM board today from a woman who just discovered her NM had died suddenly and unexpectedly. She expressed that she doesn't feel much in the way of sadness beyond what she might feel for a neighbor who had died. Several of the other DoNM's stated that they either felt only relief when their NM's died or that they thought that's all they would feel when the time came. I'm hesitant to post a response because apparently I'm the only one who feels differently.

Naturally when something like this is posted, it makes you start to think about your own situation. I thought about how I'd feel if I received a call today or tomorrow and found out that my NM had died and the honest answer is that I'd be devastated. Well, perhaps devastated is a bit too strong a word but I'd certainly be extremely upset and saddened. I guess I just feel like, while NM is still alive out there somewhere, there's still a tiny bit of hope that we could be in each other's lives again. Not that I expect NM will suddenly wake up and become the mother I've always wanted mind you, more that I feel it's possible I could reach a point in my healing where I could handle having NM in my life, albeit in a limited capacity, and still maintain a healthy emotional balance. While she's still around, that's a possibility but once she's gone, that's all over.

I don't know, maybe those other DoNM's are further along in the healing process than I am and no longer have any hope about their situation with their NM's. Maybe some of them are in denial about how they'd really feel. Whatever the case, I just know that I'd be really, really sad to hear my NM had died and I think a part of me would question my decision to go NC - Was I right? Was she really that toxic? Was NC a mistake? Was it worth it? These and other questions would plague me along with the devastating loss of that final grain of hope.

Of course I also can't help but feel less than my DoNM sisters who wouldn't be saddened by the loss of their NM's. I feel like I, too, should be relieved at the thought of my NM passing. And yet, a few days shy of the one year anniversary of my going NC, a large part of me misses her. What I probably miss most is the idea of a mother but there were also a few good times shared with her, like going antiquing, and my heart aches and years for more of those moments.

It all just seems such a waste. She's missing out on me and the goings on in my life. She's missing out on seeing her grandson grow up, on his experiences like his first day of preschool or even just seeing him smile. In an entire year's worth of time she has sent ds maybe 4 or 5 cards, some attached to inexpensive gifts and hasn't attempted to contact me at all aside from her one cryptic message of "NM's name says hello" sent through the receptionist at my chiropractor's office. This woman who always told me that all she wanted was to be a mother to two girls hasn't tried to contact me at all, even if only to be able to visit with her grandson and all because it's more important for her to be right than it is to have us in her life. How many more years is she willing to let pass? Two? Ten?? How many more memories and experiences is she willing to miss out on just to be right?

I just wish so much that there was a way to get through to her. I don't even need the ideal mother anymore. I'd happily settle for NM being begrudgingly nice and slightly sour tempered. So long as 50% of contact with her didn't result in hurtful criticism and abusive behavior, that would be enough for me. It seems so simple, so attainable and yet..........deep inside, there's a part of me that knows this will never happen. My mother is sick, damaged, broken and beyond repair and because of this, there is a deep sadness inside of me that I fear may never completely heal.

Merry Christmas!

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas! 

DA

Well, it finally arrived....

The dreaded Christmas package from NM for ds. I was sitting on my living room sofa on Monday afternoon when I heard a "Plop!" on the front porch of a package. I knew immediately that it would be from NM. I had hoped that since it was so close to Christmas with no word from her by that point that it meant NM had finally given up. No such luck. Damn.

I brought it inside and tried to decide what to do. Return to sender? Throw it in the trash? I was going to go the "return to sender" route at first but thought it would likely only cause unwanted drama with NM. More to the point, it would give her more ammo to further her victim status and I'll be damned if I'm going to help her with that. Then I moved onto contemplating just tossing it away. I asked dh what he thought and he actually brought up a really good point.

Back when I was much younger, apparently my dad and half bro sent a few things over the years, completely unbeknownst to me. I guess my NM and NHS had intercepted the items and gotten rid of them without telling me and then lied to me whenever I'd ask if there was anything for me from my dad, etc. I didn't find this out until years later and it resulted in much hurt, anger and resentment toward my NM. Dh said that if we didn't give the items to ds and he later found out NM had been sending stuff - and you KNOW NM would love only too much to be the bearer of that news - it could cause him to resent us later on and, worse still, to doubt our word and make NM's word more credible. Definitely NOT what we want.

So, after discussing the matter, dh and I decided that we'd pre-screen any packages that come and pass along what we deem okay to ds.

Considering the crap NM sends, she's certainly not going to endear herself to ds anytime soon. This year's Xmas gift consisted of two cheap plastic "Ben 10" action figures and a Pez candy dispenser from some show that I've never ever heard of. Attached was a cheap Xmas card that read simply, "Merry Christmas, Love Grandma XXXX".

While simply having to touch the items made my skin crawl (literally), it also made me rather sad because it made it clear that NM doesn't know ds at all. If she cared to know him at all, she'd know he isn't really into action figures and doesn't even like "Ben 10". He's far more into creative things, things he can build or use his imagination with. Things like arts and crafts, musical instruments, Play-Doh play kits, Legos, those type of things. When I mentioned this to dh, he said,"Well to be fair, she hasn't spoken to us or seen ds in almost a year now." I said, "So? My half sister, L, has never met ds yet she seems to send appropriate gifts all the time for him. Same goes for my dad and SM who also send stuff he likes. The fact is that NM doesn't care and has NO idea what makes kids tick whatsoever and doesn't CARE to know either."

As of right now, NM's "gift" is under the tree. I've been tempted a couple times to just grab it and toss it into the trash but then I think of what dh said and I know he makes a good point and so I put the gift back under the tree. At any rate, like dh said, when ds opens NM's crappy gift, he's going to care about it as much as he would a pair of socks. (Especially considering some of the other gifts he'll be getting this year, like a Nintendo DS he's been asking for forever.)

And some day, when we run into NM and she asks ds, "Has your mom been giving you the gifts I've been sending all these years?", he can say, "Yes." and it will be the truth. And then he can (hopefully) tell her that if she wants to be a part of his life, she should have been around all those years and been willing to suck it up and come visit him at our house instead of walking away since she couldn't have everything the way SHE wanted.

One thing's for sure, ds is a very smart little guy, even at the young age of (nearly) 5 years old. If NM thinks she's going to put one over on him and turn him against me with her twisted version of the truth someday, she's got another thing coming. ;)

Had an interesting dream the other night...

It was one of those 'I'm back "home" with NM, NSJ and NHS' type of things only this time, for whatever reason, we were at my IL's house. I was in the kitchen looking at stuff on my laptop and NSJ came over and was bugging me. He was taunting me and being his usual verbally abusive asshat self and I kept talking back to him. For example, at one point he said, "Who do you think you're talking to?" and I responded, "I'm talking to YOU!" Getting more enraged by the moment, NSJ started to "tickling" me by jabbing me hard in the ribs, the intention being to cause pain obviously, as he continued to verbally assault me. I told him to stop a couple of times to no avail and then suddenly, having had enough, I said loudly, "I said STOP IT!!!" and as I did this, I turned and shoved both my arms out in front of me as hard as I could and knocked NSJ down. I seem to remember this shocked look coming across NSJ's face as he fell back on his fat behind but it was at this point that my ds came in and woke me up, thus ending my dream.

The differences in this dream compared to previous ones about the same subject are a) that I stood up for myself much more strongly than I ever have before, dream-wise or in reality and b) that I didn't wake up from this dream feeling negative and sick to my stomach. There was none of that this time, only a sense of "YES! I stood up and protected myself!".

Not sure if this dream symbolized anything. It's possible that my IL's house represented my new "home" that I'm building for myself as I continue to heal and refuse to tolerate anymore of their abuse. And I think the rest of the dream is pretty self explanatory - I've taken a stand to protect myself by going NC with all of them which was a big deal, just as it was a big deal in the dream to shove NSJ down and tell him firmly to leave me alone and stop abusing me. Then again, it's possible it meant nothing and was just another dream!

Hope you're all doing well!

Holy freaking heck!

Just had an awful realization..........when it comes to my dad and NSM, I'M THE GOLDEN CHILD!! ACK! Talk about an awful thing to be. About the only thing worse I can think of is being the scapegoat!

I realized this as I was talking to my HS (the good one) the other day. She was telling me that NSM was once again berating her for another "wrong" she and HB had supposedly committed. This time it was that neither of them had called the GM's over Thanksgiving. NSM pulled the "This could be their last Thanksgiving!" card. *eyeroll* I thought to myself, 'Well I didn't call the GM's either yet I didn't get reamed out by NSM.'

Then I remembered a couple days previous when I was talking with NSM on the phone. She was - again - complaining about HS and HB. This time it was their "crime" of "living in sin" with their chosen partners. Both NSM (and my dad according to NSM) are pissed off. When I felt NSM was pushing for me to agree with her, I said instead, "Well I can't really comment seeing as dh and I lived together for a few years before getting married." NSM's response was to say, "Well, that's okay. It's totally different because of the abusive household you had to grow up in. I could understand why you'd want to get out as soon as you could but that's not the situation with HS and HB at all." And that isn't the first time exceptions have been made for me either.

I am now more glad than ever that I didn't grow up in that household from a very young age. I shudder to imagine the negative impact growing up as the GC might have had on me. *shiver*

Update on talking with GM yesterday...

Well, had a bit of back and forth conversation with my GM yesterday after her initial email and it seemed to go well. She said she was sorry for what I'd had to go through and admitted that my NM wasn't a good mom and that NSJ was, in fact, abusive. She also said she was glad I seemed happy now and that I deserved to be happy.

My only concern now is that anything I say to her is being/will be reported back to my NM. I emailed my aunt N with my concerns and she basically confirmed my worries by saying that I was correct, much of what I say to GM WILL likely be reported back to NM. Aunt N said that she can get GM on the same page and then NM will call and as soon as GM is on the phone with her, suddenly she switches allegiances and immediately sets to agreeing with NM and supporting/enabling her.

So now I'm kind of torn - I'd like to be able to have some kind of relationship with my GM but I do NOT want NM getting any specific info from her. General comments like, "Oh DA is doing well." or "DGS is doing well in school." are fine but I don't think NM has the right anymore to know anything beyond that nor do I care for her to know anything more than that. An easy way to fix this, I suppose, would be to just not give GM any specifics but what kind of relationship is it when the only things you can talk about are the news and weather and not get into any news about what's going on in your life? And what about pictures? As far as I'm concerned right now, sending pictures to GM is out of the question as they'd likely just be forwarded along to NM (if they were sent via email) and, again, NM LOST that right to see pics of ds or know anything about us when she decided to allow me to walk out of her life without protest and then set about smearing me to anyone who would give her the time of day.

It has also occurred to me that this might be a fishing expedition. Admittedly, it has crossed my mind that it was awfully coincidental that this email from GM just happened to appear in my inbox not even a day after NM's little "message" was given to me by the chiropractor. My guess is that NM was wondering if I got her message and so pushed GM for info. Since I haven't spoken to GM in months however, GM probably figured she'd have to reach out to me since I clearly wasn't doing anymore reaching out to her and thus the email in my inbox yesterday. So far, all GM got was me stating that NM would remain out of my life and the reasons why which is nothing NM doesn't already know. But any future emails would likely be about stuff going on in our lives and that is the stuff NM would be fishing for. GM also asked for pics of ds. Now it could be she just wants to see pics of her great grandson but it could also be that she wants them to show to NM.

What do you all think? Should I continue to talk to GM but just keep to very general info, stuff I don't care if NM finds out? Or should I maybe just tell GM flat out that I don't want info being passed on to NM and/or maybe even go a step further and let her know that if I find out info has been passed on that she will find herself not getting anymore info as well?

Honestly, it's nice to be talking to my FOO again in some capacity but, if I'm honest, I have to say it was a lot simpler when they weren't speaking to me. Yes, I now have communication with them again, or at least with my GM, but I also have the N drama again. I'd thought - quite foolishly it now appears - that it was possible to have a relationship with them without it being contaminated by NM and her crap but I'm quickly realizing that's not going to be possible, is it?