Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The final straw? It may just be...

So, for those who aren't up to speed, NHS (N half sis) and I are cut off since March of this year - her decision, not mine, though I was greatly relieved not to have to deal with her anymore. NHS up and decides she's going to host Thanksgiving dinner this year. Clearly, this is a calculated move on her part to exclude me since she knows that, being that it's her house, she'll be able to control who is allowed in and who is not. At some point recently, NHS invited NM to attend Thanksgiving at her house and NM accepted. Then, while talking to me on the phone a week and a half ago, NM casually announces that she'll be attending Thanksgiving at NHS' house which, essentially, tells me to go find my own plans.

Forward to today. NM calls me up and lets me know that SJ (stepjerk) has invited NHS and BIL and BIL's family over to their house for Thanksgiving. I thought NM's next comment would be to let me know I was also invited. Wrong! Why what NM said next surprised me, I have no idea. You think I'd be used to her brand of nastiness by now but, caught me off guard it did. NM says to me, "I wish you could be there." Now, not only have I been dissed once but she did it again! Why? Because NHS and BIL would be upset if I was there. Gee. Thanks ever so much, Mother.

In that moment it hit me - I will never come first. Me and my feelings will always be pushed aside in favor of NM or NHS or SJ's feelings, needs and wants. And that was when the hurt began. It felt like I'd found out someone died, and I suppose someone did in the sense that the fantasy mother I've always dreamed of having had finally "died". Mostly though, it's the loss of that hope. The hope NM would change. The hope that, just once, she'd put me first or even show she cares at all. The hope that I could just say or do the one right thing that would make NM "get it" and be a mother.

The question now is, where do I go from here? Since I don't care to spend the rest of my life trying to be "good enough" for NM, I suppose cut off is the answer. But while cut off will help stop the constant abuses, it doesn't stop the pain and the anger. What do I do with those things? And what of my "issues" with my NM? How do I resolve all the feelings I have toward her without her being around?

One thing is for sure, the decision to go cut off is an agonizing one. Those who would say I'm taking the easy way out by choosing not to have anything more to do with my NM clearly have not been in my shoes, nor do they understand what they're speaking about.



  1. me too... it just hit me last night. I got in trouble for saying "I love you mom" while she screamed "aren't you stupid and dramatic... oh stop you selfish thing". When she is finished screaming at me, I feel like dying and all I want to do is love her. "It's always about you!" she says while I say I love her. She acts like a rabid dog and can turn around and be so loving with my sisters. They massage her shoulders while she screams at me. I don't get it. This is just the beginning of understanding for me. Thanks for having the courage to do this blog. I wish it didn't take till I was 35 to start seeing this.