Memories...

I'm sitting here tonight and I'm thinking about my NM and all the things she's done to me over the span of my 33 years of life. It would take several pages to list them all so I think I'll just write about a few.

I remember one time, I was very young, maybe only 6 or 7. My parents were divorced and NM had already remarried at that time and had my NHS (N half sis). (Actually, my NM was dating my stepjerk before she and my father were officially divorced and, within 3 months of the divorce being final, NM and SJ had plans to marry. About a year and a half later, my NHS was born. NM certainly didn't waste any time, did she?) I was due to visit my father that weekend but, for whatever reason, had decided I didn't want to go. Rather than just tell my dad that, apparently NM lied and told him I was sick. I don't remember if I knew she'd lied or not but, at some point, my dad called to see how I was feeling and I told him I wasn't sick. My dad was understandably upset, having been lied to, and eventually asked if I wanted to come see him. By that time, I wanted to go and my dad said he'd be over soon and asked to speak to my NM.

NM and my dad fought, as they always did when they got together or spoke. As soon as NM was off the phone, she went into what I now know was an N rage. She was screaming at me for "betraying her" to my father. I don't remember specifically but I seem to remember something about, "I do you a favor and THIS is how you repay me??!!" from her. As if her screaming and rage wasn't enough, at one point she grabbed a steak knife from the kitchen and started telling me to just kill her, that I might as well because, again, I'd "betrayed her". When I refused to take the knife, she forced it into my hand and offered up her belly, yelling the whole time for me to "do it", just stab her since, clearly, I didn't love her. First chance I got, I dropped the knife. I don't remember anything else about that day other than her screaming and raging and telling me to stab her and me repeatedly reassuring her, while sobbing hysterically, that I loved her and didn't want to kill her, didn't mean to betray her.

The next memory comes at my senior year in high school. My long-time boyfriend (the one I'd cared the most for at that point) had recently broken up with me and I was just devastated as we often are at that age. But it was more so for me because this boy had been an escape for me. Now that he was gone, I had no choice but to spend all my time at home with my abusive and narcissistic mother and abusive stepjerk and half sister (who was mom's little spy). The abuse was at it's peak during that time and, as a means of coping, I went into a very serious depression and had begun cutting myself.

At school, my senior English teacher had us write daily journal entries. Most times there was a topic to write about, though she would occasionally give us a "free day" to write about whatever we wanted. Recently, one topic had been, "If you could be anyone, dead or alive, who would it be and why?" Well, I wrote that I would be my dead grandfather because he's dead and doesn't have to hurt anymore. My teacher was understandably upset and had apparently also noticed the cuts on my arms and called NM in for a conference.

NM spent the entire conference saying things like, "DisturbedAngel has NEVER liked her stepfather and has always been dramatic as a way of paying me back for divorcing her father and remarrying. I assure you SJ is a good man and we have a very good home." Then she proceeded to spend the entire ride home, the rest of that day and several days thereafter berating me for "embarrassing HER". It wasn't, "What is wrong? What can I do to help?" No. It was, "HOW can you do this TO ME??? Do you have any idea how EMBARRASSING this is FOR ME???"

Moving on...while I lived...I don't want to say "at home" because that place was FAR from being a "home", which I consider a safe place to live. While I lived with those people - meaning NM and SJ - I saved up my money and bought myself a pet bunny rabbit. He was a cute little black and white dwarf rabbit and I named him "Benjamin". I had Benjamin until I moved out a few years later. I wasn't able to take him with me as the place my bf (now dh) and I moved to didn't allow pets and since I didn't want to leave him behind, I told NM that I would either find a shelter to take him and place him in another home or I'd pay to have him put to sleep.

NM and SJ who, oddly enough, like animals (or claim to) wouldn't hear of it and said that they'd keep him and he'd be their pet. I asked them repeatedly if they were sure and made it clear that he would, in fact, be THEIR pet now and they assured me it was fine and they'd keep him. So, I said okay and moved out. When NM and SJ moved into a new house a couple years later, they took Benjamin with them and seemed to be caring for him.

Forward a year or so. NM calls me up one day and says, "I'm on my way to work and I'm already late. Benny's sick and needs to go to the vet. I think it may be time to have him put to sleep. Could you possibly go to my house and get him and take him to the vet? I've already given them my credit card information and they're going to bill it to me once you're done." I said okay and hung up.

So I get to NM's house and go in to get the rabbit and am absolutely HORRIFIED to hear this horrid gurgling noise coming from the poor animal and see this disgusting stuff drooling out of his nose and down his chest. But the absolute WORSE thing was, when I picked him up, the poor thing was absolutely skin and bones. NM claimed he'd been fine the week before and she'd only just noticed him in this state that day when she'd gone to leave for work.

Forget the fact that I know about animals and have worked as a vet tech in the past, anyone with half a brain could look at that poor animal and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this did NOT happen overnight or even within a week's time. That poor animal had been suffering for some time.

I cried the entire way to the vet, the whole time I was there and the whole rest of the day. I had the vet put the animal to sleep as I felt it was less cruel to just end his life rather than prolong it and try to treat him. I also asked the vet to document the state of the animal because I fully intended to press cruelty charges against my NM and SJ.

NM called me shortly after to see if I'd taken the animal to the vet and I let her have it. Then I hung up on her. She called me back shortly after and gave me one of her patented, "Listen here little girl" rants designed to put me back in my place. I wasn't having any of it. That was the first time I cut my NM off for a while. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, I decided to resume contact at some point but I've never forgotten nor forgiven her for what she did and have regretted not just placing the rabbit or having him put to sleep back when I first left that place.

As I said, I could go on and on and on. I actually have a "List of Grievances" that I typed up about a year ago. I didn't think I'd come up with much at the time and was surprised when, just a few days later, I discovered I was at NINE pages single spaced in a small font. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I'm sure if I'd kept at it, it would easily have doubled or even tripled in length. Perhaps I'll periodically write about some of those memories here. Might do some good just to get them out, if nothing else.

The downside is that reading those things and remembering them makes me so angry and hurt. But, I suppose it has to be felt and dealt with if I'm ever to move past it all. At least that's what I remember hearing or reading somewhere! ;o)

DA